A Very Ditzy Christmas

"It should. My grandfather is like a second cousin to the big guy in Philly," she said.

"Hi Donna," said our waitress. "Do you want a menu or do you know what you want?"

I thought she looked familiar. Now I knew who she was. Ronnie Vaspero. She was the cutest girl in school from first grade all the way up through high school. At first, she was a nice girl, then she realized her looks were special. Suddenly most people she knew no longer existed to her. She oozed conceit and kept her nose in the air around anyone that wasn't Italian or a member of the upper class. The only reason she was working there was that she was engaged to Vito's son who stood to inherit the joint when Vito hung up his apron for good. At that moment, her nose was so high that if a bird was in the rafters and took a dump it would've gone right up her nostrils. I glanced up at the ceiling. Nope, there weren't any birds when we needed 'em.

"I'm just gonna have the veal parmie," said Donna, "And a Coke."

Ronnie didn't even turn her head in my direction. She just stood with her pen hovering over the check pad. "I'll have the same," I offered.

"Original thinker," she mumbled as she turned to go.

Donna slapped the table. "Wait! I want a side dish of hot peppers and make sure I get a shaker of the red pepper stuff!"

Ronnie stopped in mid stride facing away from us and wrote that done. When she continued to stand there I realized she was waiting to see if I was adding anything. "Nothing for me."

"Wuss," I heard her mumble as she went into the kitchen.

I shook my head and patted Donna on the hand. "What does the note say?"

She opened it and snorted. "Whatever she wants - delivered tonight, Alphonse."

"That's not bad but is it really a good idea to take a favor like that from them?" I asked, not sure of the rules.

"If we didn't take them up on the offer it would be a great insult to them. Trust me, we don't want to do that," she said waving at the thin one that glanced in her direction.

Our food came quickly and Donna emptied half a jar of crushed red pepper on hers. Next to her plate was another just as large with two-dozen green hot chili peppers on it. My nose started running just from the smell of them. For every red pepper laden mouthful of veal or spaghetti, one pepper was eaten until they were gone. When we finished, Ronnie gave us a check that said 'COMP'. I left her a tip and we gave our thanks to the suits and walked out.

Donna looked up and down the street. "Which way is the..."

I glanced back in Vito's and all six guys were pointing which way to go. "This way," I said, trying to make myself sound intelligent.

"Cool," said Donna, as she put on her Groucho glasses and blew on a party favor.

"You know, I don't have anything to put on the tree let alone a stand for it," I let my girl know.

"Don't worry about it," she replied.

As we got near the place, we saw two men standing by a barrel with a good fire going in it and both were warming their hands. Behind them were dozens of trees of different types and sizes. A few people were milling around looking them over. In the center of the lot was a immense tree lit and decorated to the hilt. As we approached the men, they noticed Donna and started to laugh.

"So," said the tall one, still laughing. "What kind of tree you want?"

Donna took off her glasses and stuffed them in her pocket. "We're looking for Paulie Toucan."

"I'm Paulie," said the short older man. It was obvious why he had the nickname Toucan. His nose made Jimmy Durante's look petite.

"I'm supposed to give this to you," Donna said, handing him the note. He read it and showed it to the other guy.

He read it and said, "What the fuck? That's the second one tonight. He's killing all our profit." He quickly shook his head. "Forget it. You can turn right around and tell that fat fuck if he wants you to have a tree he can come pay for it."

"Hey, watch your mouth, Paulie," said the Toucan, pointing out the fact that Donna was a girl.

'Asshole. A perfect nickname,' I thought.

Toucan pulled Donna aside and lead her through the lot while I followed a few paces behind. "Don't worry about him, we're thinkin' it's a sugar problem. Now, what kind of tree were you looking for?"

"I was hoping for one like Vito's got in his place," said Donna hopefully.

"I think it was a White Pine." He turned back and shouted, "Hey Paulie, wasn't that a White Pine we sent over to Vito's?"

"Fuck off!" Asshole barked, as a woman and her kid passed by him. "Hi sweetie," he said to her, as the woman pulled her kid away from him.

"Could be Tourette's," Toucan said, shrugging his shoulders. "Now tell me why Al wants to give you a tree."

"He knew my father and remembered me from when I was little," she replied. My dad's Silvio Brunner.

"Your dad's Silly Toots? Yeah I know him. He's an old friend of ours," said Paulie smiling from ear to ear. "So you're his kid, huh?"

Donna looked at him. "Toots?" she asked.

"Yeah, ah, you know. He always farted when he walked like a toy train tooting."

Donna hit the ground laughing her ass off. "Now I know for sure you know my dad," she said between whoops. When she calmed down, I grabbed her hand and pulled her up. As she finished giggling she snorted and said, "I want that tree," pointing at the lit and decorated centerpiece.

"That one?" asked Paulie, making sure she wasn't kidding.

"Yep, that one," she replied.

"That's our display model," Toucan stated.

"But I want it."

"Donna, don't make him mad. Pick another tree," I said, trying to help.

"I want that one," she said emphatically.

"It's too big to fit in the apartment," I said just as sternly.

Toucan turned to me and said, "Hey, Douche Bag, did I ask for you help?" He turned and pleaded with her. "If we give you that tree it's gonna take forever to take all the stuff off and put it on another one."

Donna looked him right in the eye and said, "I don't think you understand. I want it exactly the way it is." Then blew a party favor in his face.

"But, but..." he stammered.

"Read the note again," she suggested.

He didn't have to. He knew what it said. Drooping his shoulders in defeat he said, "Okay, if you want this tonight it's gonna take a while cause I gotta get some more guys over here to help me. Besides, I can't leave Paulie in charge," Toucan said pointing in Asshole's direction.

"What the fuck you looking at," Asshole snapped back.

"Not with his epilepsy," added Toucan.

"Donna that tree is way too tall for the ceiling," I said.

"We'll cut it down as needed," said Paulie. "He really is a douche bag, isn't he?" Toucan asked Donna.

"Yeah, but he's kind of a sweet douche bag," Donna said, pinching my cheek.

He looked around until he saw some of his helpers. "Hey, yous three, when you're done there I need you get this tree ready for delivery," he shouted, pointing to the demo.

"That fuckin' thing?" asked the kid tying a tree to the hood of a car.

"That fuckin' thing?" growled the kid picking a woman's purse.

"That fuckin' thing?" asked the kid holding a young boy upside down by the ankles.

"What?" screamed Asshole, kicking over the fire barrel.

"Ah, yous two ought to get out of here before Paulie pops an aneurysm. Give me your address and phone number and I'll see you later." Toucan glanced at us both. "You are gonna be up later, right?"

I looked at my watch. It was 12:30. I wondered just how serious Donna was about getting up early to be first in line at the shopping center. I also was concerned about making too much noise for the neighbors. "Around what time are we talking, " I asked.

"I'm not sure. I have to get at least four more people here. Tonight is our busiest night of the year," Toucan said. "Might be a couple of hours."

"But it's already after midnight," I said, not following his reasoning.

"It's the last Saturday before Christmas. A lot of people wait until tonight after the kiddies go to bed to get a tree. Then mom and pop sit up all night decorating as a surprise. Of course, some wait until Christmas Eve, telling the kids that Santa brought it. We don't wait around for that. At midnight, we call it quits and head home. Any trees left are up for grabs. By then, the only people that haven't gotten a tree are those that don't celebrate it or the really hard off. For them I say, God bless you, take a tree. Now go before Paulie gets his second wind."

I looked over at Asshole and he'd already picked up the barrel and was headed in our direction. "Thanks Paulie, we'll see you later," I said, grabbing Donna by the arm and pulled her in the direction of my car.

*

It didn't take long for Donna to clear enough room for the tree considering I didn't have a TV anymore. Now all we had to do was wait. I looked at the clock. It was 1:10. I got a wonderful idea and turned back to tell Donna, only she wasn't in the room. I headed down the hallway to the bedroom and found her face down, buck-naked, and spread eagle on the bed.

"I see you had the same Idea I had," I said, ripping off my clothes as fast as I could.

"It wasn't so much an idea as a need. You better have some life left after earlier," she said, almost like a warning.

I dug through the drawer, came out with a condom, and handed it to Donna.

She put on her Groucho glasses like they could actually help her read. "What is this?" she asked. "Ribbed for her pleasure," she read. "And it's pink."

"I wanted to try something different," I replied.

She kissed me. Donna wasn't big on physical contact around others, even when we were alone she didn't cling to me. That made any contact with her all the more meaningful and electrifying. Right now, her kiss sent shock waves through me and burned the crap out of my tongue.

All those frickin' hot peppers.

Metal note: no oral sex tonight.

I caressed the smooth skin of her back and her thighs. With each touch, my mind kept asking if this was real. Just a few short weeks ago, I was as alone as any one could be. Now the girl that I've always loved was here and she loved me. As my hand moved back to her side she drew her knee up exposing herself. I could smell her urgency.

I'd never 'diddled with the cliddle' but I'd read some stories about it. So, I lowered my hand and touched her. She sighed and kissed me harder. So far so good. I felt around for her clit and she let me know when I found it by biting my tongue.

"Sorry," she whispered, pulling away from the kiss and rolling onto her back. A moan escaped her lips. "A little faster, please," she whispered.

I diddled a little faster and she grabbed the first thing her hand touched, my hair. Her hips heaved up and slammed back down on the bed. She shrieked and shook and pulled my hair. When she calmed down, she let go of my hair, pulled out a party favor, and blew on it. From beginning to end, less than a minute went by.

"Whew, I needed that," she said, pushing her hair out of her face. "Where's that thing?" she asked, looking for the condom. "For my pleasure, huh? I may never want to do it any other way."

I was plenty ready by the time she had the wrapper off and put it on me. After a few misfires she helped guide me in. It felt so good I stayed there unmoving.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"It feels so good," I mumbled.

"I know Ralphie, but let's give those ribs a rip."

'Never leave your girl wanting more, always finish the job,' I thought, as I found a rhythm she seemed to like.

"These are great," she said, pumping me harder and faster. I tried to keep up with her but she was going nuts below me. "Wait, wait," she said, as she rolled us over and climbed on top. "Relax and enjoy the ride," she said breathlessly.

Donna rode me like I was a bucking bronco. Her hair was flopping and boobs were bouncing, while I could do little but get thumped in the crotch and watch this magnificent girl work herself into a mind blowing orgasm.

When she came, she jammed down hard, grabbed me by the shoulders, and shouted 'Yes!" through gritted teeth. She breathed hard for a minute and then flopped her head down on my neck. Her breath was still brutal, but I didn't mind. "You didn't cum," she whispered, moving her crotch a little with me still in there.

"How could you tell?" I asked.

"You get a funny look on your face," she said.

"I think I got bruised," I said.

Donna rolled off and inspected me. "Oh shit, I'm sorry Ralph. Oh my God, you're all red down here. I guess I don't know my own strength. I'm really sorry," she said, as her eyes started to fill with tears.

"That's all right, don't worry about it. You didn't break anything permanently," I said, pulling off the condom.

"I'll make it up to you," she said, between kisses on my cheek and rubs on my crotch.

There was a crash in the living room and Paulie Toucan's head popped in the semi open door. "Hey you love birds, where you want the tree?" Three more heads looked around the door. Donna and I scrambled for our clothes.

"Don't get dressed on my account," said the pickpocket.

"Don't you believe in knocking? What broke out there?" I asked, shielding Donna from their gaze as she got decent.

"Did something break?" asked the stupid looking one.

"I heard something smash," I replied, pushing my way out to the living room. There was the tree, or part of the tree sitting in the room on top of my glass top coffee table that now was in a thousand pieces. The top part of the tree was still out the door in the hallway and out the common entry door. "I thought you said you were going to cut it," I said furiously.

"We are. We needed to measure first. Okay boys, start measuring," Toucan said.

"Why didn't you leave it outside until it was cut?" asked Donna, now fully dressed.

"We're not gonna cut it outside and wake everybody up. That wouldn't be nice," said the one that looked smarter than he probably was.

"Look what you did to my table!" I shouted.

"Shh... you'll wake the neighbors," said Stupid.

"We need to cut it right here," said the pickpocket, putting the measuring tape away.

Toucan dug a circular saw out from under three and plugged it in. I didn't think it would be any louder than a vacuum cleaner, but I didn't count on it being one from hell. "What's this thing made of, it won't cut," shouted Paulie. He tried again and smoke started wafting up from the tree trunk, but as far as cutting it, not a scratch.

"That's a new blade, I just put it on before we came over," screamed the smart looking one over the din.

I noticed that we were getting an audience at the doorway. I looked outside and could see more and more lights going on the other buildings as the saw wailed on. Sure enough, one of our township's finest was suddenly standing in my place with his arms crossed. That's usually not a good sign. Paulie noticed the man in dark blue and said, "Hi Tony. You want to take a look at this thing. I can't get it to cut."

"Shit, somebody called the cops," I complained.

"Nobody called this in, I heard it driving by." He turned his attention to Paulie. "Why are you doing this at three o'clock in the morning?"

"This was supposed to be a one and done deal, as a favor to the little lady," he replied, pointing to Donna. "But it won't cut." He kicked the tree.

"Let me see the thing," said Tony. "Pull the plug and get me a screwdriver. Who put the blade on this thing?"

"I did," said the smart looking one, all proud of himself.

"You're an idiot," stated the cop, as if it were as plain as the nose on Toucan's face.

See, I called that one.

"You put it on backwards." Tony made the switch and said, "Plug it in and try that."

Paulie tried again and the saw cut through the tree like a hot knife through butter. "Hey, thanks Tony," said Toucan.

"You done making noise now?" Tony asked.

"Yep, all done," I said, wishing everyone would go away.

Tony left and eventually so did the crowd. Between the six of us, we managed to get the tree up, transfer the decorations, the lights, and clean up the shattered coffee table. Paulie asked the boys to wait for him outside and turned his attention back to us.

"Sorry about the screw up tonight. As far as the table goes, I'll find you another," he said to me. "Now young lady, is there anything else I can do for you this morning?"

"I was wondering. Do you have any idea where my dad is? I haven't heard from him since my mom and him split up. She says she doesn't have a clue where he is," she said, sounding depressed.

"She doesn't, huh," he replied, rubbing his chin. "I'll put out some feelers and see what I can find out."

"Thanks for even trying," said Donna, giving him a kiss on the cheek.

"No problem. My pleasure," he said, then he turned to me. "Try not to be such a douche bag," he said and left.

I was tired but before I headed to the bedroom, I looked at the tree. "It really turned out nice."

"I knew it would," Donna said stifling a yawn. "I'm going to bed."

***

"Junior!" Pop shouted, breaking Ralph's concentration. "Did you find the box of ornaments?"

"Yeah Pop, here," he said handing the box down the ladder.

"Your Mother will be relieved that you found it. What are you doing up here?" Ralph Senior asked.

"You told me to go through all the boxes before we donate them. I found some of my old grade school stuff and was looking it over, that's all."

"Are these the boxes that are going to the Goodwill?" he asked, looking up through the hatchway.

"Yeah, here you go," Junior said, passing them along to his dad.Settling back under the light he continued to read.

***

"Ralph get up!"

I'd just closed my eyes. Why does my groin hurt?

"Ralph, you promised to take me to the store so we could be first in line!"

"What time is it?" I asked, trying to focus my eyes.

"It's five-thirty, come on!" she said, shaking me.

"Five-thirty...am?"

"Come on, let's go!" she said, waving a cup of coffee under my nose.

*

It was still dark out when we stood in front of JC Pennys and it was cold. At least they were opening early. The parking lot was filling fast and the crowd was growing. I felt bad for whoever it was that going to open that door.

"I can't wait to get you your present," she said.

"Don't go spending your money on me," I answered, watching my breath float away.

"Are you kidding, look at this wad of cash," she said, waving her money in the air.

"Put that away, are you nuts?" I barked, looking to see if anyone noticed.

A short, balding man in glasses was at the door. "Now, I want everyone to take it easy coming in," he shouted through the glass. "There's plenty of everything for everyone." He turned the lock and just barely made it out of the way as Donna and the crowd lunged forward. "Take your time!" he shouted, which had exactly the reverse effect.

*

By nine o'clock, we were working on our second shopping cart of stuff and Donna didn't seem to show any sign of slowing down. Everything she bought was on sale or closeout. She was very good at stretching a buck.

"How much cash do you have?" I whispered into her ear.

"About four-twenty," she answered. "Taxes killed me."

"How much do you think is in here," I asked, meaning the carts.

"If my math is right, about seventy five," she replied.

"How much more do you need to get?" I asked, having lost track of this person and that aunt.

"I think I'm about done except for wrapping supplies," she replied. She loaded the second cart with wrap, bows, ribbon, tags, and tape and headed toward the checkout line. "I still have to get your present, that's going to require me doing it alone. If you want to, we can split up now."

"Do you need the car?" I asked.

"If it's okay with you," she replied.