tagReviews & EssaysA Virgin's Tale

A Virgin's Tale

bycarthartic©

I’m a 25 year old male man who has never had sex. That means I am a virgin. I truly wish I could say the reason why I have yet to have any type of sexual experience is because of religious or high moral ground but saying that would be me lying to myself.

I have never been on a single date. I have never held a woman’s hand. I have never felt a woman’s lips against mine. I never have hugged or been hugged. To simply put it I have never had any physical contact with a woman. The only physical contact I have ever had with women are hand shakes I have received meeting women for interviews or in professional situations. A few slaps to the face at well but those are another story.

As the reader of this story I want you to understand in no way do I blame women or have any resentment toward them for not being interested in me sexually. You’re attracted to whom you are attracted to. If I was a smart, beautiful, articulate, modern, independent woman; I too would not find me attractive and surely would not go out with me. I won’t lie to you for many years I was pissed at women for not liking me. I think that is a natural response for anyone.

A major reason for this anger did not necessarily come from not having a girl find me attractive but from being ridiculed and blatantly made fun of by girls through middle school and high school. During those years I had the very pretty and very popular girls make fun at my expense. They would call me pathetic. They would ask me if I had any friends because there is no way someone like me could have a friend. They would call me poor because of the way I dressed or choice or glasses.

I have always been a person who never cared about being popular or fitting in, so wearing stylish clothes or being stylish have never held any ground for me so I was an easy target. Being over weight made me an easy target too. Day after day I was told how me sharing the same earth offended them. Oh, Lucky me.

When I was going through the torment of those years I pulled myself away from social life and naturally away from women. Hell I did not feel very good about myself. To be truthful I felt like a loser. If your told you’re a loser every day over a long period of time, sadly you allow it to permeate your brain and you too begin to believe it. I felt women or actually girls were “bitches.” Pardon the language but that is how I felt.

I thought women were heartless, mean, spiteful beings that had been put on this earth to make me feel like shit.

Over time as you mature thankfully and so do girls. Eventually, one day you realize women are not heartless or spiteful or mean. Those girls who made fun of me were teenagers. Being a teenager is plan hell.

Our bodies change. We now find the opposite sex attractive. Some of us have problems at home and so to deal with these issues some of us make others’ lives a living hell, so they can feel better about theirs.

I also learned not to blame women for not liking me. I was accepted that I am unattractive. There are ugly people, there are average looking people, pretty people, beautiful people, and absolutely hot/gorgeous people.

I learned that I do not fall into any of those divisions, I am in the very small and sadly infamous, the undatable category. For a long time I had a hard time accepting that fact but like most things we experience in life we learn to acknowledge them and soon become accepting of them.

The simple reason why I have never had sex and why I most likely never will is because I am unattractive to women. I am both unattractive physically and mentally.

First of all, for most of my life on this earth I have been chubby. Hell, who am I kidding. My whole life I have been obese. Not that you really care, but I am 5’10” and currently weigh between 190 and 195lbs. The positive thing about this is approximately less than 3 years ago I weighed over 260lbs. So I went from a huge disgusting fat pig to a fat guy.

Don’t get me wrong I am so relieved that I am just a fat guy. I make light of it but I am very proud of myself and continue to work on loosing more weight. Being over weight is just a simple part of why I am unattractive. On a good day I am an average looking guy, which I can live with. How many of us are Brad Pitt or Jennifer Anniston.

I never wanted to be one of the pretty people, all I wanted for a long time was to be attractive enough to get a date or a girlfriend. But wishes are just that wishes. Like I have mentioned earlier, one day you finally accept this as being reality.

Now getting back to why I am unattractive to women. From the moment I realized that I am attracted to women, I have felt that no woman could find me attractive. I believe that mental state is and has been my greatest downfall. If I feel like a loser and I give off that vibe to women.

Women are amazingly perceptive and they can see a guy without an ounce of confidence from a mile away. Women want a man with confidence. Someone who knows who they are. Someone who knows what they want. Knowing that I have no chance to ever get a date is why women ignore me and why I essentially repulse them. Confidence makes the man. So a man without confidence is a boy. It may not be fair but life and reality is far from ever being fair.

What is amazing to me is, that even though I am 25 years old and have never been on a date and have no hopes I ever having that experience in life, I am still betrayed by my feelings. To this day, if I am in a store, a mall, a job, where ever I still have women catch my eye. That is such a cruel fate. I’m allowed to painfully be attracted to women but there is no way they are going to be attracted to me. I think there is something a little unfair in that equation, if you ask me.

I know the cute blonde with her hair in the ponytail in the next check out line would never give me a single thought but I am “forced” to be attracted to her. That is so much fun. For many years it really hurt to know this as my lot in life. Though now when I happen to see a woman that I am attracted to I just appreciate her for her beauty.

I no longer punish myself with silly internal thoughts of being a “loser” or “there is no way in hell she would ever talk to you, let alone agree to going out with me.”

I am truly amazed that how comfortable I am with the idea that I will not experience dating or having physical contact with a woman. I no longer feel as though it is a curseful existence but it being a part of me. I now willing accept it as I except that I am 5’10” or have brown eyes.

Don’t feel bad that this is my lot in life. It’s really not that bad for me. For those of you, who have found me to be a big pathetic loser, I have too words for you. SCREW YOU!. Just kidding. Seriously, since I am now 25 years old and have failed to ever go out on a date or have any rather intimate dealings with an actual woman, I don’t want to start dating now. I mean I have missed out on experience in the dating game, meaning how to act around women in that arena. I don’t know the signals, when a woman is interested in you. I don’t know how to act on a date. I don’t know anything about women. I’m at a horrible disadvantage.

Men and women have years of experiences. They go out on dates. If the date goes bad, it thankfully ends and they move on to another person. They continue to go out on dates with the opposite sex in hopes of finally meeting someone nice and whom they are compatible with. They then continue to date that individual. As long as the feelings continue and there is chemistry between them, it may lead to a physical exchange, which is sex. The time in which this occurs naturally differs from person to person as well as situation to situation.

But normal, healthy men and women have adult relationships with one another. The relationship may lead those two to falling in love. They may move in. They may break-up. They may even marry and have kids. That is evidently the appealing part to dating is the unknown of where this date with this person can take you. It is about having fun, meeting people and then having fun with them. Why am I telling you this. You the reader knows a lot more about dating or relationships then I do or ever could for the simple fact that you have actual real life experience.

I have simply conjectured and over simplified the complexities of dating, sex, and relationships from someone that has never been on a date.

Getting back to what I wanted to say, is that since I lack real life dealing with women in the arena of dating, I’m glad that women are not knocking my door down or clawing at me for a date because I don’t know if I would go out with her. I know you may think it’s weird, hell, I think it’s weird and I have made that choice. Though I know I never will have to ever worry about declining the affections of a woman.

I am unequipped to date, have sex, and surely fall in love with a woman. Women are beautiful, complex, sexy, mysterious creatures and I know that there is now way I could be an adequate boyfriend and lover for her. There are numerous men out in the dating world for women. They really don’t miss me not being in the dating game.

I know there are a lot of crappy guys that women are subjected too but if I dated I would probably be one of the lame or lousy dates women occasionally go on.

Moving on to a subject that I know knowing about and that subject would be sex. First of all, I am extremely relieved that I have never had sex or ever will. I know that sounds rather foolish or weird but for someone like me it makes perfect sense. I won’t lie to you, like all humans I have thought about sex. Specifically, having sex with a woman.

Who’s lying. I have spent endless hours of my life thinking about sex. I have desires, needs, that leads to thoughts, to fantasies but over time desire fades, needs fade. When you don’t find yourself sexy, you really don’t feel like having fantasies or ever having sex because you don’t believe any woman could desire you in such a way.

Getting back to the main point here. For someone like me to ever be in a situation where I would have sex with a women, there would be too much anxiety. All the possible pleasure or enjoyment would be sucked away by pressure and anxiety. I am a 25 years old, meaning that I would be dating women in that range, meaning that there are not a whole lot women over the age of 22 that are virgins, or who have never been on a date.

Unless they are a social misfit like me and I don’t know if I would want to date someone pathetic like me. So that means if I was ever to have sex it would most likely be with a woman who has sex. Meaning that they know what to do. They know what good sex and what bad sex is like.

I’m not a complete idiot. I have a pretty good idea where my parts match up to her parts but I am well aware that it takes a lot more then just a penis to pleasure a woman. Women need to feel a connection to the man they are going to be intimate with. That means a woman has to feel close. It does not mean that they have to be in love but there is a bond. Also, it helps to be involved in foreplay with a woman.

Meaning after you have excited her mentally, her body must now follow. All men know where the woman’s vagina is but that still does not make a good lover. There are nearly endless places of pleasure on a woman’s body to excite her and I am not sure where they are all located or exactly what to do with them. Unless a woman is willing to tell me move by move, touch by touch, lick by lick, or generally take me by the hand and tell me what she likes. If she had a lot of time and patience, it might work out, but most likely I would be fumbling around for endless minutes and she would get bored.

I don’t see how my first time I would be able to bring her to orgasm. I know a lot of men do not bring their female partners to orgasm but if I had sex before at least I would believe the woman faking her orgasm wasn’t faking. Seriously, it really sucks knowing that my first time I have no chance of pleasing her.

That is a part of sex, to achieve orgasm. If you take all chance away from the woman from gathering her own pleasure, she won’t be jumping at me to have sex with her.

Don’t laugh but I have seen my fat body in the mirror. I have to admit, it’s not exactly what could be called classically sexy. To be truthful, the word sexy and me should not be in the same sentence unless it is proceeded by the prefix un. All kidding aside, during sex, one generally should be naked and I don’t know if I could show myself to a woman.

When one has sex, you end up having to reveal yourself. Which means you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable. I don’t know if I can do that. Especially, knowing that the woman I am going to be with has had other partners. I know I could never match them. Unless, hopefully, they all were horrible in bed. I can wish. Stop judging me.

I’m sure you remember your first time having sex. For someone of you it is very fond, some it was horrible, bad, or just average, and just plan awkward. But now think about being 25 years old and your first partner had has lovers. That means that they have had sex with those partners multiple times, meaning they are well versed in sex. Compared to you, they are masters at sex. So I bet you wouldn’t be jumping at sex, if you were in my position.

The another reason why I am not chomping at the bit to have my first sexual experience is the size of my penis. You would think that since I am over weight, maybe average looking, you would think I would be rewarding with a good-sized penis. I’m not talking about having a ten-inch penis, but something a little more than I pack. There is a bare minimum in both length and especially girth and I fall short of both of them.

Yes the trifecta. Fat, low self-esteem, and small penis. Woo! Hoo! How lucky am I. I can’t see why woman aren’t interested in me.

Looking over and thinking about what I have just written, I don’t know why I have spilled these thoughts out onto the electronic media known as the internet. I guess I needed to vent these thoughts about my struggle with dating and the futility in romance. I poured out a piece of my soul out to strangers because all those who will read this are strangers and can only judge me by these words. It makes it easy to spill, when you are essentially are anonymous.

I hope you enjoyed viewing a piece of what it is like to be me. Please contact me if you liked this baring of my soul. Tell me if you liked it. Tell me if you think I’m a loser. Tell me what this little writing did or did not do for you. I’m not ashamed of who I am. This is a part of me. To deny being a 25 year old virgin, would mean to deny who I am and how could I do that. Give me advice.

And for all the ladies if your looking for a 25 years old, 5’10”, between 190 and 195lbs. Chubby, brown-eyed guy, who has never had sex, feel free to contact me because I know all woman are looking for that in a man. I’m kidding ladies. Truthfully, anyone who reads this give me your honest, truthful feedback. Don’t be afraid to be harsh. I can handle anything.

Bye for now.

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