A Vow Unsaid

When I was younger, I had often wondered what Patrick's kiss would be like. To be honest, I hadn't thought about it in over 2 years. I felt a slight tickle of his mustache and he pulled away, stroking my hair. It was not unpleasant, but foreign and slightly alarming. I was wide awake now and rather nervous. I felt my shoulders stiffen. I snuck a glance at Patrick, his head was tipped back, eyes closed and he had a slight smile on his face. He looked as he often did when I was playing the piano. The night was so still, I could hear the call of a whippoorwill in the distance.

He kissed my hand as he held it when I exited the coach. "Good-night my dear Kaitlyn."

I just smiled absently and went inside. My mother greeted me with a kiss on the cheek. "Did you and Patrick have a nice time? Oh, post came just after you left this morning, I left it in your room." On my bedside table was a letter from Nora.

October 29th, 1860

Dearest Kaitlyn,

I have exercised much restraint by neglecting to write you, so much that I have consumed a bottle of wine in order to overcome it. You must know that I think of you with every passing day. How I miss you! Your warmth, your laughter like wind chimes, your brilliance. I long to see your face once more. Brennan and I will be in Savannah for Thanksgiving and we shall stay until the New Year. I do hope you will receive us. I trust that you are taking care of Patrick and more importantly, that he is taking care of you. Give my regards to Elizabeth and your parents.

Love,

Nora

Tears filled my eyes and warmth filled my heart. Nora was coming home! As I dressed for bed, I thought of the things we might do together. Once the initial excitement waned, a black cloud of guilt set in and I thought of Patrick's kiss.

The trees grew increasingly bare as November approached. Patrick and I took walks around the west fields which border Keaton Forest. On one afternoon, three days before Thanksgiving, Patrick suddenly grabbed my hand. I was startled, as we had been calmly discussing the political turmoil that was plaguing the capital, the issue of State's Rights.

"Kaitlyn, do you know how I love you?"

I felt myself go numb.

"There is talk of war in the Atlanta. Brennan has planned to enlist."

I knew from listening to my father and Mr. Kennedy that there was a building tension between the North and the South, but the word "war" was not mentioned.

"If so, I will enlist as well. In preparation, I would like to marry you before the New Year." He withdrew a small box from the inside of his coat.

I said nothing but my heart sank. I suddenly remembered Nora's good-bye kiss.

"...and Father Landon will be happy to marry us December 27th." He opened the box to reveal a diamond ring on a delicate gold band, glittering in the weak, dusky autumn sun. My eyes met his and I felt my throat swell and my shoulders tense. I swallowed painfully and could only nod.

That was only 5 weeks away.

I could understand the decline in Nora's health before her wedding now that my own was five weeks away. True, I was comfortable with Patrick, I loved him. But I had admitted to myself that I did not want to marry him.

My mother gushed when she saw the ring and my father smiled. Elizabeth, bless her selfless soul, congratulated me warmly, drawing me into a hug.

I watched for Nora from the bay window of the Kennedy's foyer. At 3:00 PM I spotted her coach. I sprinted outside and up the path. Brennan hopped out and offered his hand to Nora. I saw her hand, arm and then locked eyes with her for the first time in six months.

My stomach dropped and I could swear, if I had opened my mouth, either butterflies would have flown out or I would have told Nora I loved her.

But I did neither of those things. I just stared at her, afraid to breathe.

"Kaitlyn." Her voice was soft and shaky, like the few browning leaves still clinging to the trees.

I stepped towards her and enveloped her, my arms wrapped around her waist. I felt her head buried in my neck and the scent of lavender rise to my nose after 8 months. Repressed memories spilled into my consciousness and I fought back tears, wishing I could hold her in my arms like this forever.

I heard Patrick's voice and watched him shake Brennan's hand. He was smiling.

I wrenched myself away from Nora and looked into her beautiful eyes. I squeezed her hands. "Oh Nora, how I've missed you!" She smiled. Patrick placed his hand on her shoulder and she turned to embrace him.

She slipped her hand into mine and we returned to the Kennedy's foyer. Mr. Kennedy hugged Nora and kissed the top of her head. When her father had released her, Mrs. Kennedy's chin quivered and she held out her arms. Nora graciously accepted her mother's affections, though I could see her discomfort. They did not get along and Patrick was often troubled by their rows, especially in the weeks leading up to Nora's wedding. He spoke about it only once, but the lack of sleep combined with his furrowed brow was always an indication of the previous night's altercations. These signs were frequent in his features last spring.

But, it was clear Nora's mother loved her and I knew Nora wished they were closer. Neither Nora nor Patrick discussed the subject of their arguments but I suspected they often involved Brennan.

Mr. Kennedy sent a slave to fetch Nora's luggage. Mrs. Kennedy invited me to stay for dinner. If I had any had any misgivings, Nora banished them immediately.

"Oh Kaitlyn, do stay!"

I hardly had time to accept Mrs. Kennedy and express my gratitude before Nora grabbed my hand and led me out to the north field.

We walked, arm in arm, the leaves crunching beneath our feet. The sun began its descent and the cotton fields were bathed in an orange glow. Everything was so still, it was quite eerie. The north field ran parallel to Route 17 and Nora stopped, draping her arm around my waist. With her other hand, she pointed to the road.

"If we were to walk up that road, it would eventually take us to Boston."

"Boston?!"

"Yes, isn't that grand? We could start here, headed north, and someday, we'd get to Boston."

I had never been farther north than Atlanta but I loved to listen to my father talk about the places he had been when he would accompany my grandfather on business ventures. My grandfather was a merchant and Elizabeth said he was where I'd acquired my head for numbers.

I was suddenly aware of Nora's breath on my neck. I turned to her and she caught sight of my ring.

Her beautiful features distorted and her face flushed white for a moment. Then the color returned to her face as she exhaled, visibly relaxing. It was gone as quickly as it had come.

"So he has already asked you."

"Yes." I whispered.

She turned away and I felt my heart breaking, the pieces severing every nerve in my body. I went numb.

"Come, or we shall be late for supper."

After a delicious dinner (I couldn't eat much after what occurred between Nora and I in the north field, but what I did was indeed delicious), we retired to the parlor and Mr. and Mrs. Kennedy bade us good night. Patrick poured brandy, tossed a log into the hearth and joined me on the settee. Nora, seated across the room, silently gazed into the fire. I watched her, the fire reflecting in her dark green eyes.

"How is Atlanta?" He was so oblivious and looked genuinely happy. Poor bastard.

She shook her head.

"Oh Nora, won't you tell me about it? I can't glean much from your letters!"

"There's not much to say." Her voice was so cold, it sent a chill through me, despite my proximity to the roaring fire.

I felt Patrick absently caressing my arm as he reached around my shoulder. I felt ill.

"Come on, tell us about the married life." Patrick was drunk and had evidently forgotten his sister's hatred for her husband.

I don't know if it was the brandy (she hadn't drank much), the weariness from her traveling or the fact that Patrick was obviously caressing me but Nora snapped.

Her voice became a whispered snarl. "Oh, where shall I start? Would you first like to hear of his drunken fits, his ghastly comrades or his filthy, insistent hands? Or how about the sewing I do from dawn until dusk to pay our landlord? And, there is always the charming tales of his bar room brawls that leave me selling my jewelry to keep him out of jail. Which tale would you prefer, Patrick?!"

He was silent, his eyes wide and Nora stormed up to her room.

"Patrick..." I touched his arm, sorrow heavy in my heart.

"Watch over her tonight, will you? The things she might do in a state like this..."

I felt the guilt set in, knowing very well the things she might do if I slept beside her tonight. But I did not tell him this and tried to resist, shaking my head.

"Please" was all he said. I sighed, telling myself he was trusting me with his dear sister, trusting me to take care of her. I steeled myself against the impending temptation.

I didn't stand a chance.

As I ascended the staircase, I watched him pour another glass of brandy.

I held my breath as I knocked on Nora's door. There was no answer, but I heard the haunting melody of a violin, a Brahms concerto, and I cracked the door, slipping silently into her room. Her back was to me, and I watched her silhouette as she finished the piece.

"Nora." I whispered. She turned to me, tears streaming down her face.

"I've asked you once before, what feels like a century ago. Do you love him?"

"Not as I love you." And I kissed her.

Her lips opened and I pulled her to me, my arms encircling her waist through her thin nightgown. She broke away, breathless.

"Kaitlyn, I..." I silenced her with another kiss, to which she responded eagerly. Her hand caressed my cheek and I gripped her tighter as I withdrew from her.

"I know too well the battle raging in your heart. I love your brother but it is you who weaves my dreams at night. I long for you and only you, as I always have. Please, forget the world outside this door, if only until morning."

She lifted her eyes to mine and I met her unwavering gaze. I was sure and I wanted her to know it. Nora took my hand and led me to her bed.

I could feel a pounding in my heart and a throbbing between my legs. When Nora kissed me again, it became deafening. I gasped as she slipped her hand into my blouse, nimbly unbuttoning it. I shrugged as she pulled it off. I faced her and felt her warm hands tumble down my back. She tugged at my skirt and it tumbled to the floor. I stood at the foot of her bed as she removed the remaining undergarments. The only sound was our labored breathing. I pulled her nightgown up and she lifted her arms, tossing it to the side. The locket I had given her a year ago gleamed and naked in the moonlight, we gazed into one another's eyes.

"Make love to me," I whispered.

She gently pushed me back, onto her bed and kissed me again. I felt her hands, hot on the inside of my thighs for a moment, then on my bottom and then tracing up and down my back. I gasped when her hand cupped my breast. If you had doused me in gasoline and lit a match, I wouldn't have been any hotter than I was now - as Nora mapped out my body with her hands.

And then her mouth. Oh, her mouth, closing over my breast as I cried, desperately turning my head into her pillow to muffle the noise. Then the nape of my neck, my earlobe and silencing me with another kiss. I was her puppet, her Marionette doll as she toyed with me, commanding my heartstrings. She possessed me and I felt myself thrust into her against my will. She kissed my navel and dipped her hand in between my legs for the first time.

I bit my lip, tasting blood, to keep from screaming. Her hand worked furiously inside me and she silenced me with another kiss. I tried to kiss her back at first but despite me valiant attempts, I was really just struggling for breath while my lips brushed hers. I was in a trance, unable to believe I was in Nora's bed, making love to her. For a moment, I could see the two of us from above. I watched Nora's rhythmic stroke as her pale body rippled over mine. Suddenly, my neck jerked back and my eyes snapped shut as my sex convulsed, tightening around Nora's fingers. Then, a hot release and the flash of fireworks dancing across my eyelids, a strained breath escaping my lungs. Nora's lips were on mine once more and I went limp, a sweet darkness consuming me.

When I came to, Nora was snuggled beside me, looking me in the eyes. I smiled.

"I love you Nora."

"I love you too Kaitlyn. I always have." She kissed me tenderly as dawn crept over the horizon.