Adam's Sex Education: Beginning

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God helps Adam with his horniness.
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damppanties
damppanties
206 Followers

I would like to thank sailorm72003 for editing my work, spotting all the missing commas and typos and making sense of my complicated sentence structure and gibberish; and for sticking to it even with all the problems with his computer. His comments have helped me a lot. :)

* * * * * * * * * *

Once upon a time, there was a man called Adam. Incidentally, he was also the first man. First in what you ask? What a question! The first to be created, silly. So now that we have the identity problem behind us, let’s get right on with the story.

Adam lived in a garden. Now the intelligent among you might find that sentence and the circumstance really ridiculous. I mean NO ONE lives in a garden for Chrissakes! But, well, this guy did. No kidding. Really! This garden was called the Garden of Eden. At this point, a quick AskJeeves search tells me that Eden means ‘pleasure’ in Hebrew. Therefore the Garden of Eden was so named because God wanted man to have pleasure. What kind of pleasure? We will explore that a bit as the story progresses.

Adam lived there with a woman called Eve. Eve was the first woman. Which makes them the first couple. Adam and Eve were the only people alive then. I know what you are thinking! Lucky Adam, right? Of course Adam was lucky. If you do not believe it now, you will by the time this story is finished. Well, on with the story.

One fine day, Adam had this weird urge to chase Eve around the garden they lived in. He couldn’t understand it. Let us dwell a while on why he couldn’t understand it. See, he had barely been created a few weeks ago; and when you think about it, think really deeply here, he had been created in an adult form, not as a baby. So while he had a full-grown man’s body, he didn’t have the experiences to match; and his mental capabilities had yet to catch up to his physical development. Therefore it is quite natural and logical that he didn’t understand why he felt the sudden, absolute desire to chase after Eve that day. In retrospect, he would decide that his basic instincts were responsible for his behaviour, but he would not know that until later.

The chase went on for quite a while. Eve in front. Adam following. Eve running. Adam pursuing. They ran through the beautiful bounty of nature that God had prepared for them, scarcely noticing the beauty or the bounty, because they were otherwise occupied at the moment. Eve passed the apple tree twice, but she ran right on without stopping to sample the forbidden fruit because, as mentioned before, she was otherwise occupied.

It ended when Eve decided that she had had enough of Adam’s childish game, for that was what she thought it was. She stopped abruptly and Adam ran smack into her. As Eve turned to nag at him for this display of rude behaviour, Adam's horny hormones overcame him and his hands were suddenly all over Eve. Eve didn’t like this one bit. No sir. Not one tiny bit. She proceeded to convey this to Adam in no uncertain terms.

“Down Adam. Down boy. DOWN!” The last was screeched in a shrill voice which Adam had learned to obey because if he didn’t, Eve would refuse to do his work for him and he had to patch up his loin-leaf himself. He could do it if it became an absolute necessity, like the terrible time he had when Eve had not yet been made, but then Adam was a firm believer in ‘Do not do unto thyself what Eve can do for thee.’ Hence, Adam followed Eve’s high-pitched instruction and downed.

This episode had a profound and ever-lasting effect on Adam. If Freud had been created before Adam, he would have said so too. In fact, Freud would have had a LOT to say about Adam, but let’s not get into that. So due to this incident, Adam's mind was a host of confused, humbled and embarrassed feelings. Therefore, Adam decided to do what Adam thought was the best. He decided to have a counselling session with God.

Thus, making up his mind, Adam immediately scampered over to God’s angel-secretary and made an appointment. He stressed that it was urgent, and considering the fact that God had made it known that Adam was his best creation, it was no surprise that he benefited from the favouritism and was pushed to the front of the line.

That same afternoon, Adam entered God’s private chambers. God was tinkering with a teeny little galaxy which he would blow up and hook into the system when he was done with the mechanics, but as soon as Adam came in, God set the galaxy aside and welcomed Adam.

“Hiya AD. What brings you here? Something wrong with that playground I made for you?”

Adam took exception to being called AD. “Please God. Can you not call me with that infernal shortening of my given name? As it is I suffer from the ignominy of not having a surname. And coming back to the point I was making – AD?? What sort of a dumbass name is AD? Just call me Adam.”

“Oh, quit whining Adam. Act your age, will you? What’s in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” A slow realisation dawned on God, like a sunrise in slow motion, and God seemed stunned by the inspirational remark He had just uttered. “I should write this down somewhere,” He muttered absentmindedly. “The future of mankind would love it!” and He proceeded to hunt for a quill and a scroll.

Adam jumped forward and supplied the materials and God wrote it down in an illegible scrawl. Why illegible? Well, surely all of us know that great minds have an indecipherable handwriting.

When the thought was written down and safely locked away in God’s office safe, He transferred his full attention to Adam. “Tell me Addy…” then, seeing Adam's look, He repaired the faux pas, “errr… Adam. What brings thee here? Art thou in need of certain favours?”

Adam was pissed off with the AD stuff already and he was tired of the ‘thee thou’ bit too. “Lay off that archaic lingo please. Who would want to talk that way? It’s so passé.”

God came around his desk and put his arm around Adam. It was now apparent that Adam was suffering from something he had not experienced before. With God’s gentle coaxing, Adam poured forth the whole story.

“Why, God. Why? Why was I chasing Eve around the Garden of Eden,” Adam asked with a trace of desperation in his voice.

“Adam, Adam. Relax, child. All will be revealed. Actually, I am so glad you asked me this question. I had been waiting for this day for a long time. You have finally grown up Adam. This means the child within you has reached puberty. I have prepared some directives for you to be opened on the day when you ask me this question, for I feel too awkward telling it to you. You can read the scrolls I will hand over to you presently. But first I must tell you

something. Tell me, what is the name of the garden I created for you?”

Adam screwed up his brow. “Sheesh God. Is this like a pop quiz now?”

“Oh, come on Adam. Concentrate. It’s easy.”

“Umm… okkkaaaaayyyyyy… let’s see. Err… Eden?”

“RIGHT!” was so loud that Adam jumped. “I knew you had it in you.” God beamed at Adam so much that Adam thought that His divine face would split into two. “I am now going to tell you an important secret which I have saved for this day. Eden,” God paused for effect, “means,” another pause and Adam thought that a holy ta-da of trumpets would not go amiss when God continued with the final word, “pleasure,” he ended with a flourish.

Adam stared at God. “So?”

“Don’t you see Adam?” God seemed mildly exasperated with Adam's dim wit. “Well, okay, perhaps now you don’t understand but after reading those scrolls which I will give you, you will experience a new type of pleasure. A pleasure which will surpass all pleasures. Pleasures which have been and pleasures which will be. Adam, I present to you, the pleasure of pleasures – the greatest pleasure of them all – SEX!”

Silence.

“Well, what do you have to say Adam?” God prompted.

Adam frowned. “God…”

“Yes Adam. Go on.”

“You repeated the word pleasure eight times in that little speech of yours,” Adam said, awestruck.

God sputtered for a bit and his face turned red. Adam thought He had something stuck in His holy windpipe or something and was just about to deliver a mighty thump on God’s holy back when God seemed to recover. Sighing, He led Adam over to the office safe. Careful to block Adam's view, God quickly punched in the combination and opened the massive door. Adam peeped in. He was greeted with the sight of all of God’s unfinished projects, and let me tell you, the sight was not at all pretty. I mean, who would want to see the first draft of a uterus?

God rummaged around and finally pounced upon some rolled up scrolls tied with an old, raggedy, red ribbon. This he carried over to his holy desk, after carefully closing the safe and punching about on the combination lock. He sank into His throne and beckoned Adam to stand before him.

“Adam, I give unto thee, the sex scrolls,” he proclaimed in a grave voice.

“Umm… yes. Sure,” Adam responded to this historical event.

“These scrolls will explain, in intimate detail, how you can go about deriving pleasure from the sexual act. Please read them and when you have finished, try these acts with Eve.” God seemed to finish but then he added with a conspiratorial wink, “There are some illustrations too!”

“Okay, God. Sir.” Adam failed to see what the excitement was about a few old scrolls but then he decided to wait until he read the scrolls before deciding on their worth. A phrase jumped into his mind – ‘Do not judge a scroll by its ribbon.’ Adam saved the phrase for future use as he thought it might come in handy.

As Adam turned to go, he was stopped by God’s voice from behind him. He turned politely to listen to what God had to add.

“Adam, as a special favour to you, I have not yet told Eve what a headache is. Therefore you may be assured of her co-operation when you have finished your theory and want to do the practicals.” God smiled benevolently as a Father Christmas does on Christmas.

Adam thanked him and left the holy office.

“Go forth and multiply!” he heard God’s voice boom after him after he had left.

Adam hoped the scrolls weren’t full multiplication tables or something. God had a weird sense of humour. He could only pray as he exited God’s building and pranced into his part of Eden.

This, then, is the earliest documentation of porn, as we know it today.

* * * * * * * * * *

As soon as Adam was out of God’s abode, he ripped off the ribbon and unrolled the scrolls. Jogging to a considerable distance away from the hustle bustle of God’s private quarters, he spread the scrolls on the ground and placed large rocks on all the four corners. Thus, he was free to peruse them.

The first scroll said ‘Directives for Sexual Conduct’ at the top in an elaborate Monotype Corsiva font. Underneath that it said ‘Encyclopaedia of Sexual Pleasure (Illustrated)’ in Westminster. Adam shook his head. What type of a combination was that? Every user of MS Word knows when to avoid certain fonts and then God goes and indulges his fancy in this particular way. Outrageous!

Moving on, Adam came to the table of contents. This one was nice plain Verdana, like the one you are reading now. Isn’t it good? But then the text was vulgarly cerise-coloured. (In case you don’t know what cerise is, it is a deep, vivid purplish red.) Why couldn’t God keep to basic black, Adam wondered?

The table of contents was numbered. There were three numerical denominations and several roman numerals within the numerals themselves. The roman numerals were further subdivided into alphabets in certain cases. It confused the hell out of Adam, and considering the fact that Adam didn't even know about Hell back then, it was quite a weird thing to happen. I'm sure you're in agreement on that one. And Adam, being Adam, flipped right through it.

So after that, Adam turned the page and came upon a heading in plain Times New Roman. He smiled. He liked this font. The heading said ‘Foreword’. Adam wasn’t sure if he was meant to read it or if God had been high on booze and misspelled forward. He decided to read it.

FOREWORD

Dear Adam, or whoever manages to lay their hands upon this… oh wait! There is only Adam, not created anyone else yet. Duh! So Adam,

I’m writing this foreword because you do not know anything about sex. I thought we’d start with a little anatomy here. What say you?

See, when I made you, I put in a little (well, not so little) thing for your enjoyment. You can find it protruding down there, above your thighs, under your tummy. It has got two functions. One, well, you know… do I really need to explain? And the other… we will come to it in a moment. Let us name that appendage Tab A.

At this point, Adam moved his loin leaf, looked down, and all he could see was that little thing sticking out from his body which Eve used to drag him about with when she was pissed off with him. Personally, Adam did not think that was what the second function was. Well, he would be enlightened in a moment.

The text continued –

Now let us see about Eve. I won't see exactly, wouldn't that be like incest if I am your heavenly Father? Ahem. So, to move ahead, Eve has a corresponding, how do I put it? A kind of a… a gash where you have your thing. It's exquisitely crafted and I think you'll come to believe that it's my finest creation. Coming back to Eve, let's name her um… crevice, Slot B.

Now that we have that established, to put it simply, sex is putting Tab A into Slot B. Remember that. Say it aloud five times to yourself. Tab A into Slot B. It is as simple as that, Adam, but to make it enjoyable for you and Eve, there are various ways I've designed which make up the rest of this book.

So, read, learn and enjoy.

* * * * * * * * * *

Hi reader. Hope you enjoyed this one. Votes and feedback are always appreciated. Every feedback with a return email address will receive a reply. I like talking to readers. Please do write. :)

The following chapters teach Adam all he needs to know about sex. They are comprehensive, starting with foreplay, going into details about different sexual positions, how to go about doing it and then will go on to tell Adam what to do afterwards. At the end of each chapter, Adam's supposed to go and practice with Eve. That's done, more often than not, with disastrous results.

damppanties
damppanties
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AnonymousAnonymousabout 5 years ago
Please Ma'am, I want some more! Please!

"Oliver Twist", Charles Dickens, 1837. See movie of the same name, 1948.

Please more?????

OleguyOleguyalmost 10 years ago
Late as usual.

Apologies for keeping you waiting so long for your well deserved 5.

Must admit, how come text New Roman before they were created, guess G' had to call it something.

Loved this as it typifies my grasp of organised religiosities.

If you're still around, g'wan go further in this mode.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 10 years ago
interesting way of storytelling

What is it after that? Please go on. It is also a good way of learning English as a foreign language, Salute from mainland China, beijingblowjob@sina.com, waiting for your instruction

Jim44444Jim44444over 10 years ago
Good satirical humor

However, where are the aforementioned following chapters? Thanks for writing.

CinnerCinnerover 10 years ago
A novel approach

This is a very unusual approach to telling a story! I loved it!

Five stars from me.

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