Alexis, reprised

I laugh. I lie my cello and bow down gently, then stand and walk over to flop down next to her on the couch. She turns so that she can watch me.

"Flattery will get you everywhere, you know," I say.

"Is it flattery if it's true?"

"Difficult question. I do, however, think you're being way to generous with your praise, Robs."

"Lexi. God's own truth. I've got all the pieces I've ever heard you play on my Mac. None of those cellists can touch you for the emotion you put into your music."

Say what you like about Robyn, one thing she does have is a good ear for technical ability. I feel gratified that she thinks I'm that good, even if the truth is far from it. I can hold my own but I don't have the dedication to be great.

She reaches out and wraps her arm around me, and I let her pull me in against her. I love the feeling of her arms around me; Robs may be the younger of us but being like this with her always makes me feel like I'm sixteen. Her skin is slightly sticky from dried sweat, and her natural scent is strong... and suddenly, just like that, I want her.

I lean my head on her shoulder.

"What time is it?" I ask.

"Just gone eleven."

"I want to try to sort out our garden a bit today. I'm sure we could grow some tomatoes if we put them in pots in the sunny corner."

"I'm all dirty already, need me to be manual labour?" she asks.

"If you would, that would be lovely. I'll reward you richly."

"I like the sound of that," she replies. "Are we talking pat-on-the-back types of rewards? Or something more... generous?"

I raise my right hand and gently trail circles on her right thigh.

"More along the lines of half my kingdom type of reward," I murmur.

"Only half your kingdom?" Robs answers with a smile.

All of it, all of me, always, is what I want to say. I guess my face changes because she stops smiling and raises a puzzled eyebrow.

"Lexi?"

"Mm?"

"Are you ok?"

"It's... yes. Yes, I think I'm ok."

"Think, or know?"

"Think."

She pulls slightly away from me, the better to meet my eyes. "What's wrong?"

"Just hoping I never... that I never lose you."

"Alexis Julia Blake," she says, as she pulls me hard against her. "Quite apart from anything else, I'd die if I were ever apart from you. I need you like the air I breathe."

An ache builds in my chest. I try to answer, to say something, anything... but instead I find myself burying my face in her neck, desperately trying and failing to fight back the sobs, my eyes squeezed tightly closed.

"Lexi... what... Oh."

I feel her shift, feel her arm under my legs, and the next thing I'm really aware of is that she's scooped me up onto her lap and has locked her arms around me so that she can just hold me there against her.

Slowly the tremors ease. Robs, my angel, just strokes my hair and neck and back and lets me calm in my own time. She's always known how to read me. Always known what to do for me. And right now, this is what I need; her as close to me as my own skin.

I never know what's going to trigger this. Rain follows sunshine so quickly in my world. Mum always called me her storm-child, and would manage my moods with distractions. After I lost her things got tough.

I take a long, shuddering breath.

"Talk to me?" she says, quietly.

I swallow. The hurt has eased slightly, but I'm still on a knife edge.

"You never cry in front of me. What's going on?" she urges me.

"Just... years worth of stuff slowly leaving. I think. I hadn't realised how much I was carrying around with me. It's... it's only now that I feel safe that it's coming out. Sorry."

"Never apologise to me for needing to vent, ok?"

I say nothing. I feel her sigh, and she tightens her arms. "Tell you what," she says. "You and I are going to do that bit of gardening work so that you can get some fresh air. Then I'm going to rub your back for you. Then I'm going to get you drunk. Then you're going to talk to me about it... I mean, really talk about it."

She gently lifts my chin. "Lexi?"

I sniff, and scrub my face, then open my eyes. Robs is frowning. I don't like it when she frowns.

"Mm?" I manage.

"This is the bit where you say 'That sounds lovely Robyn, I would love you to run your hands all over my body and get me drunk and seduce me.'"

I can't help myself. I choke, then laugh helplessly. Robs grins at me. "Thought so. You minx." she says.

"Can't help what you do to me."

Robs kisses me, once, then just holds me more.

"Better?" she asks, after a while

I make some sort of affirmative noise, and she helps me off her lap. Pity, I was enjoying both being on it and the brief interlude of not having to be an adult. Robyn stands and stretches, then offers me her hand. She pulls me up and into her embrace, giving me a crushing hug. When she releases me she gives me a playful slap on my bum. I snort, and scrub at my face again.

"I'm a mess, Robs," I say, quietly.

"No. You're just slightly bent, like I am," she answers. Then she flushes and I smirk at the inadvertent pun she made. I love her; love the way she says the most hilariously inappropriate things at times.

"Sun's out again," she says, and I know she's not talking about the weather. There's nothing I can say right now in reply, so I just give her a peck on the cheek and a quiet, heartfelt "Thank you."

--

Watching Robs digging soil in her running pants and a sports bra does a lot to lift my spirits.

It's like my own soft-core porn movie, and I'm pretty sure this isn't lost on her because she spends more time bending over than I'm sure is strictly necessary. Soon she's covered in a light sheen of sweat again, and her hair is all over the place.

She's put together four mismatched pots of soil for me, and raised them on old bricks in the sunny part of the kitchen garden. I've been amusing myself weeding the rest of the herbs, and so all I need to do is scatter some tomato seed and rake the soil over with my fingers. Robs brings me a watering can and I dampen everything down.

While I do that I have the opportunity to get some solid perving in. When I was at school we called lycra pants like the ones she's wearing 'Scandal pants' - so tight you could see the lips moving.

And God, is Robyn only hot in them. I swear she's got no spare weight on her; just supremely-toned thighs and a bum to die for. I bless my lucky stars that she's not into guys, because if she was she'd have her pick of them. Instead, she's with me... and I know I got the better bargain there.

She reaches out absently to scratch my back, and I smile a small smile at her. She's been spending time outdoors in the good weather, and her freckles have darkened. They, coupled with the ponytail and her slim build, make her look even younger if that's possible. She adjusts her sports bra unconsciously, and I find myself thinking about her breasts.

Suddenly, I realise I'm spilling water on myself. I squawk, and Robyn laughs at me.

"Caught you," she says, smugly.

I give her a shamefaced look and hang my head. She laughs again, then steps in to wrap her arm around my waist and pull me against her. "I should start charging you per hour."

"I'd pay, gladly," I answer. "But I'd prefer to pay in kind..."

She takes the watering can from me and sets it aside. "Alexis Julia Blake, I do declare that you are a harlot."

"Confessed, convicted, confined." I sigh, offering my wrists. "Shackle me and drag me off to my punishment. What is my punishment, anyway?"

"Mm. Let me think about that and get back to you. Firstly, I need a shower, and then I seem to recall offering you a backrub."

"You did. Silly girl. Major tactical blunder, that."

"It's all part of my cunning plan to get you naked." she responds, deadpan.

"Oh, really?" I say, with a salacious grin. "Does that work with all the girls you try it on?"

"All of the ones I want to see naked, yes," she returns.

I blush. God only knows why, she's seen all of me already. She grins at my discomfort, enjoying the easy point she just scored. We tidy up the debris of our gardening, and Robs goes to shower while I throw together a Greek salad for lunch.

--

I set us places at our weather-ravaged plastic garden table and pour us both a glass of the half-finished bottle of chardonnay we opened last night. I sit down to wait, closing my eyes and enjoying the slight breeze and the sound of birdsong.

Robs takes her time, but it's worth the wait. She's dressed herself in a short blue and white cotton sundress. I give her an appreciative wolf-whistle and she strikes a pose for me in the open French doors. I mime taking a photo and she blows me a paparazzi kiss. Then she saunters out to join me.

"Hey, sexy," I murmur as she sits down next to me.

"Hello, lover," she returns with a smile. "Thanks for making lunch, Lexi. I'll do dinner, ok?"

"Deal," I answer. "Sorry, it's pretty basic."

"Looks good to me," she says as she dishes for us. I take a sip of my wine and watch her.

Not for the first time, I find myself wishing I were a painter. I know that I will carry this picture of her sitting here in the dappled midday shade with me for the rest of my life. She's in her element; strands of stray hair wafting gently, unselfconsciously eating a slice of cheese, unfocussed for now on guarding her grim battlements against the world outside.

My Robyn. My lighter half. I hope I've done right by her.

"Eat, Alexis," she says quietly, and I comply. I polish off some olives and tomatoes, and enjoy my glass of wine. It's a cool Spring this year, but the day is warmer than others so I don't suffer too much. I eye Robyn, and wish yet again that my metabolism was a bit more active. I ruefully pluck at my jersey.

"What's bugging you?" Robs asks, sipping her chardonnay.

"Nothing important. Just wishing I could show as much skin as you can without freezing."

Robs rolls her eyes good-naturedly. "Take it from me, Lexi. The way that jersey clings to you leaves nothing to my imagination."

"Really?" I ask, intrigued.

"Ya, really," she mouths.

I grin. "I'll try to find more like it."

"The pants are nice too. You look good in linens. I should abduct you and drag you off on my pleasure yacht."

"You own a yacht? Why did you not inform me of this rather important fact?" I ask, playing along.

"I was worried you'd take me for a pirate," she returns. "Yarrrrrr."

I laugh. "After my booty?"

"Oh god, Lexi. That's a terrible pun." Robyn leans back and shakes her head in despair.

"You set it up, it's your fault," I respond, and stick my tongue out.

"I suppose I did at that," she says, ruefully. "I'll chalk that one up to the wine and the company."

--

We sit, watching our garden. The occasional bird flits through our patch of sky, and one of our resident squirrels scampers along the back fence, pausing only long enough to ensure we're no threat. Robs reaches out and puts her hand on my knee, squeezing it gently.

"Are you going to talk, or do I need to soften you up first?" she asks, seriously.

I sigh.

"I wouldn't normally rummage around, Lexi, but you've got me worried enough that I'm prepared to."

I shift slightly on my seat so I'm facing her. Her face is serious; her eyes fixed on me.

I shrug. "It's just been a long time since I've felt like I truly belonged, Robs. So very, very long."

"You've always belonged with me," she answers quietly.

"Yes... I know... but until you let me have you I thought... well, I thought I'd be alone. Romantically, I mean. Andrew hurt me too much."

Robs growls something profane under her breath, and shakes her head. "He'd better pray I never see him while I'm behind the wheel of the Peugeot," she mutters. "I'll turn the fucker into a hood ornament."

I smile, sadly. "Don't, you'll get yourself locked up and I'll be a sad panda."

"I know, Lexi," she sighs. "I just... I can't forgive him for what he's said about you and done to you."

"You should be happy. It means you have me," I say.

"I know, I know. But there's a principle at stake here," Robyn declaims. "Men like that deserve to be run over, skinned, and turned into upholstery."

"They can't help it. Show them some fluff and they lose their minds."

Robyn snorts. "I know I'm probably being unfair. But... he hurt you, and that makes me mad. So I'm going to hate him with the rage of a million suns no matter what you say, so there." She takes a sip of wine. "But yes. I'm glad you're single."

"Am I?" I ask, playfully.

"Well, to the outside world, yes. To me... Lexi, if siblings could marry I'd ask you in a heartbeat. I've loved you my entire life. Ain't going nowhere, and definitely don't want anyone else ever."

I manage a husky "Thank you" after a while. The words Robyn just said have stirred me in a way I can't describe; and it takes a physical effort not to climb into her lap again. I take a shuddering breath. "You... you always know how to say the right things to me. To make me strong."

"Balls, Alexis," she says brusquely. "You're the strongest, most steadfast person I know. You don't need me to make you like that."

"You're wrong," I say, quietly.

Robs squints at me.

I sigh, and reach a decision.

"Come inside. I can't talk about this out here."

--

Robs shoots me a puzzled look, but stands and helps me up. I lead her in through the doors and to the lounge, where I sit on the sofa and pull her down next to me.

"Lexi?" she asks, after a while.

"Just thinking how best... ah, sod it." I respond. I turn to face her. "I wasn't ever going to tell you this. But I figure you're stuck with me now... so you deserve to know."

I take a deep breath. "I used to think about hurting myself, Robs. A lot. Almost all the time really. And I still have bad days. Today was almost a bad day. Almost, but not quite."

"Hurting yourself... how?" Robs asks, eyes narrowed.

"Hot baths and razor blades."

Robs inhales and exhales, deliberately.

"Did you ever try?" she asks, levelly.

"No. Almost did once. Chickened out. Knew you'd be the one to find me. Couldn't do that to you. Not after all we'd already been through with Mum and Dad..."

"Why?" she asks, quietly.

"Because," I whisper. I take a shuddering breath. "Because it's dark outside. So very, very dark sometimes. And there are wolves out in the trees. And they're always trying to find their way in."

She takes my hand, gently. "Are they there now?"

"No," I say, shakily. "My music keeps them away. And now I have you as well."

"Are you ever going to hurt yourself?"

"No. Not now, not after us."

"Would you tell me if that changed?"

I struggle to meet her eyes. I can feel the burning tears. I feel ashamed of this weakness.

"Would you?" she asks, again.

I nod, unable to answer. She reaches out to gently stroke my cheek, and then pulls me forward so my head is pillowed on her chest. She holds me like that as I breathe, trying to fight back the urge to cry. I manage, somehow, and Robs lets go of my hand so she can gently rub my back for me.

"You know I'll never abandon you, don't you?" she whispers. I nod.

"You know you can talk to me about everything, don't you?"

I nod again, sniffing, and reach out to squeeze her against me.

"Ok then. We're not going to mention this again. I'll go off and kill all of those fucking wolves and you can go back to being my super sexy has-it-all-together sister, ok?" she says, following through with a kiss on the crown of my head. I make some sort of affirmative noise. Robs rubs my back a few more times.

"Move over, Lexi," she says. I comply, and she drags the pillows off the sofa, and then lies down against the backrest. She pats the space in front of her invitingly, and after a small hesitation I join her, pillowing my head on her outstretched right arm, feeling her strong midriff shifting against my back as she wraps her left arm around me and pulls me hard against her.

I slowly unwind a bit, slowly relax.

"Why did you never tell me you were hurting so much?"

"You had enough to deal with."

"I had more than enough free coping ability to help you, Alexis."

"I felt like it would be selfish. I'm the older sister. I'm supposed to be the adult. Not you."

"News flash, Lexi-love. I'm all grown up."

"I know, pumpkin. But... I didn't want to be a burden."

"You're never a burden to me, Lexi. Never will be. You're only ever going to be the single most important person in my life. So it's best you make peace with the fact that you're never going to be rid of me."

I sigh, and press back against her.

Robyn's hand moves slowly up, stroking my stomach gently. Then, she teasingly rubs a finger over my right nipple.

I feel it stiffen, and I wriggle. "Robs. I'm confessing my sins. Not my lusts."

"Sorry, Lexi. Can't help it. Holding you like this always makes me want you." Her finger drifts away, and I can't help but let out a deprived moan.

"I didn't say you should stop..." I hint softly.

Her finger pauses, and then resumes its orbit of my now-erect nipple. I swear I can feel her grinning into my back.

"Yeah, yeah," I say, quietly. "I can't help that I'm addicted to you."

"Makes two of us."

"You're addicted to yourself too, huh?" I ask, amused.

"Oh yeah, baby, I can't get enough of my loving," she drawls into my back. I laugh at that, and squirm round, rolling over to face her. I love watching her face while she's looking at me; she gets this deliciously intense look in her eyes. It turns me to goo.

Her blue eyes have pale flecks of gold scattered like freckles around her iris. Her stare has always been frank - Robyn's emotions are usually very visible.

Right now, though, I can't read what she's thinking.

"Aren't you ever scared about the future?" I ask her, seriously.

"No. Never have been, never will be."

"Why not?"

"Because I know I can handle the world. Ignore most things long enough and they go away. Plus, now I have you. And I know there's nothing that can happen to us that we can't handle together."

"Really?"

"On my honour. Which, now that I come to say it, is kind of amusing given I lost my honour to you, you vile succubus."

I snort. "Succubi prey on men. I'm not sure what I am."

"I'm sure I can think of a term."

We lie there, just looking at each other for a while. I find myself remembering the gangly awkward girl that she was; always nestled in a corner with a book or reading the National Geographic magazines that Dad subscribed to. I sigh. That girl's mostly gone now. She had to leave her childhood behind far, far too soon.

I reach out to stroke her cheek. "Sometimes I regret that we both had to grow up so fast."

Robs shakes her head, irritated, and reaches up to grab my hand.

"Lexi. I didn't have to, I chose to. You made the world safe for me. I could have stayed a little girl. Don't blame yourself for something that has nothing to do with you, alright? I chose. And I'm glad I did. I'm glad you and I were able to have an adult relationship before this... because it means I have the authority to spank your ass when you're being silly."

I smile, wanly. Robs gives me a mock-glare, then squeezes my hand and releases it so that she can stroke my hair out of my eyes.

"Seriously. If you're feeling guilty about anything, it should be that you waited so long to open up to me."

"This is a bonafide case of the pot calling the kettle black, you know," I answer.

"I never claimed to be logical," Robs answers, and sticks her tongue out at me.

"Do that again," I dare her.

She sticks it out again, and wriggles it around. I laugh, and lean into her. The kiss is slow and gentle to start with. I close my eyes, the better to feel her against me. I know she's enjoying it because I feel her shift closer to me; feel her arms draw tight behind my shoulders. I open my lips slightly, letting her in. She teases the tip of her tongue gently along my upper lip, and I shiver.