Alicia Ch. 20

I won't go into too many details about her funeral. As with all things, we did it the way that she wanted it. We held a small memorial service there on Sunset Beach, and I walked alone out onto the pier and scattered her ashes in the surf.

Her brothers were quite upset when they learned of her death. But Alicia had wanted her sickness kept from them. I got a few hard stares, but what could I do? It had been my Mistress' wish that her family attend her funeral, not her sickness. Besides, she had written them all letters detailing her wishes.

Kathy, Twyla and Tom attended. Kathy had already grown a little possessive of me, and leaned on my arm the whole time. Twyla and Kathy were cordial to each other, but I could tell it was over between them. Tom told me that he and Twyla occasionally dated, but that it was nothing steady. I saw Twyla looking at me a couple of times during and after the service.

After the service, there was nothing to do but go home and try to start living again. I felt lost without Alicia. She had given my life meaning and direction, and now I felt like I was just drifting, drifting. Kathy offered to stay with me for a few days, but I declined. I needed time, I said, to sort out things. "Will you be all right, Phillip?" she asked, concerned. I told her I would.

The next week, at our apartment, I hurt so much that I thought I would die. I kept expecting her to come in the door in a foul mood, and tell me drop my pants and get over her knee. I would have done it in a heartbeat. No spanking, strapping, caning or beating that my Mistress ever gave me hurt as much as the pain that I felt in the two weeks after her death. I don't know if people who have been married for a longer time than us hurt more when they lose their spouse, but they could not have hurt more keenly. The pain was a sharp, crushing weight on my chest.

Of course, Kathy and Tom were there for me if and when I needed them. Tom came over a couple of nights and watched basketball. Kathy came over and cooked dinner. I hadn't started back to work yet, so I only saw her when she came over.

Kathy seemed slightly on edge. She knew of Alicia's wishes, that we should get together, and I sensed a little impatience on her part. I understood that she wanted to get on with her life, and that she wanted me to be part of it, but I was not ready. I don't think that I was exactly wallowing in my grief, but I certainly experienced it fully. Alicia had been so much to me: lover, Mistress, wife, friend, that I was not going to be able to leave her behind easily. And so, knowing full well that Kathy wanted and needed my attention, I let her wait. It could be called a belated rebellion against Alicia's authority over me, but I don't think it was. It was, simply, this: Alicia had been my choice. I had taken the initial risk of being rejected by asking her out. Despite the fact that she was the dominant personality in our relationship, it had been my choice to make the initial move. Kathy was Alicia's choice, and although, as always, I deferred to my Mistress' wishes, I felt that it was only right that I do it when I felt right about it. I considered myself still in mourning for Alicia. I wasn't ready (nor would I ever be) to make the same kind of connection with Kathy that I had with Alicia. And so, Kathy waited.

I didn't make her wait too long, though. Just enough to allow the pain to subside a little.

Although I have referred to mine and Alicia's place of residence as an apartment, it was actually a condominium, and we paid a mortgage. I chose to stay there; it was certainly nicer than where I had lived before. Kathy and I started by just spending a little time around the condo, having dinner, watching TV, listening to music. We "dated" from time to time, trying to get to know each other a little better. We would go out to a movie, or to a concert, or even just shopping. We kept it light, or rather, I kept it light. I could sense that Kathy wanted to take our relationship a step further. She even hinted at it a few times, making a stray remark about "staying the night", or "having breakfast." But I didn't act on it until late May, more than two months after Alicia's death.

I was feeling low, very low, and Kathy could see it. It was a Saturday, and both of us were off work. She had been trying to cheer me up all day long. Just lately, she had taken to showing up at the apartment in the mornings of her days off, and hanging out all day.

I was in the kitchen making a pot of coffee for us, and she came in and said, "Bad day, huh?"

"I'm all right," I said.

"I still miss her, too. She was my friend, one of the best I've ever had. But Phil, we have to move on." She moved closer to me, looked up and said, "I could help."

"I don't know if I'm ready, Kathy."

"Why don't we try? Give it a chance. Besides, I brought you a surprise this morning." She went into the living room and rummaged around in her purse, then came back into the kitchen holding something. She held it out to me. It was a wooden paddle of the type that children play with. It had once had a rubber band and ball attached to it. "Care to try it out?"

That finally got me to smile. I said, "Okay."

"Let's go into the bedroom," she said eagerly. She practically bounced down the hall.

It must have been wishful thinking. I walked down the hall after her, thinking that she was going to spank me. And to tell you the truth, I really craved a good spanking. Something about them had always made me feel alive. For the last two months, I had not felt alive at all.

But when I got to the bedroom, Kathy had already stripped down to bra and white, cotton panties. "How do you want me?" she asked. "How about lying on the bed?"

Needless to say, I was a bit deflated. I had wanted, had expected, a hard spanking from Kathy. Instead, she assumed that I wanted to spank her. Afterwards, she would probably want sex.

I decided to play along. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. "Across my lap," I said, and sat down on the bed.

"I've never done this before, Phillip. You'll have to go easy on me," she said.

I took the paddle and began whacking her bottom in a somewhat lackluster manner. I didn't have much heart for it, but I did it anyway. Even so, it didn't take many blows for her to start squirming. "Ow! Ow! That really hurts," she said.

I kept on paddling, despite her protests. When I stopped, she asked breathlessly, "Are we finished? I don't how much more I can take."

By the time, I was more in the spirit of the thing. "No we're not," I said. "Take your panties down."

"I don't want to," she whimpered.

"If you want us to have a chance," I said sternly, "you'd better get across my lap with your panties down."

Tremblingly, she pulled her panties down and got back across my lap. I heard her breathing deeply. I looked down. Kathy was in good shape. The muscles in the backs of her thighs were well-defined, and her butt was firm and round. Her pink-brown asshole winked at me, and I admired the way her furry cleft was mashed together by her posture. I took up the paddle. As soon as I started hitting her, something sort of took over. It wasn't anger, so to speak. It was more a desire to let her know exactly what spanking discipline was all about.

WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

I don't know how many licks I gave her. But eventually, I heard her voice, pleading with me to, "Stop! Stop Phillip! Oh, please stop!"

I stopped. I was panting with exertion and excitement. She was sobbing; long, heartfelt cries. I took my arm off, and she got up, pulled her panties up and crawled over on the bed to lay face down. Her entire small body shook with her sobs. The backs of her thighs, and what I could see of her butt cheeks were crimson. I looked at the paddle, and got a shock. I was holding only the handle in my hand. The cheap thing had broken during the paddling. Pieces of it lay all over the floor.

I crawled up beside her on the bed. "I'm so sorry, Kathy. I guess I got carried away."

"You're damn right you got carried away, Phillip! I don't know how many times I yelled at you to stop, but you just kept on hitting me and hitting me! My ass is going to be red for a week! Is this what you and Alicia did together?"

I started to say: But you asked me to do it. You asked me to spank you. But I didn't. I didn't say anything.

She went on, "I expected a little light spanking on my bottom. And then I was hoping... I was hoping that we'd..." She began sobbing again, burying her face in the pillow.

I began talking quietly. I wanted her to understand something about me, about my relationship with Alicia. "Kathy, I need to tell you something. First of all, Alicia and I practiced spanking as an integral part of our love life. It was something we did together from the very start. And Kathy, I never spanked Alicia once. She always, always spanked me. Second, I need to be spanked often and hard. It is important, very important, to me. It will have to be part of any relationship I enter into."

She had turned over. I had to admit Kathy was an attractive, if somewhat mannish, woman. But now her cheeks were damp with tears, and she looked like a small hurt girl-child. "I don't know if I can do that, Phillip. Oh, why can't you just be normal like other men? Why can't we just make love like everyone else?"

"Kathy, I don't really feel like I have to explain. I have never questioned why you like women as well as men. It is your business. I feel that everyone should be able to do what it is that makes them happy, if they can find someone they love and trust to do it with. I was extremely, extremely lucky to find Alicia. However, I will tell you one thing: I think that Alicia sometimes felt a little uncomfortable with beating me. But it made no difference. She loved me, and knew what I needed. I'll be very fortunate if I ever find anyone like her again."

"I wish I could be that person for you, Phil. But I don't think I can."

"I understand, Kathy. I want to stay close with you, if possible. I mean, we share several sensitive secrets. We've got to stay friends."

"Could we be, I don't know, intimate friends, sometimes? I need to be held, Phillip. I need physical affection sometimes, and I don't have anyone else. I trust you, and in a way, I love you."

I became conscious of my erection. The spanking had gotten to me, after all.

"How would you like some physical affection now, to make up for the spanking I just gave you?" I asked quietly.

Kathy smiled and held out her arms.