Alone

I sat alone staring out the window, my spirit lying in wait. Saddened by the world around me, I felt as though life was passing me by. The clock was endlessly ticking away my presence upon this planet. I realized happiness was unreachable and with that epiphany the small spark of hope that resided in me burned out. How do I to continue, move forward through the jungle of life, unarmed?

Life was moving on, not waiting for me or wanting me along for the ride. I knew that this mood, like fog on the bay, was setting in for the night. I got up and went to the kitchen. As I uncorked the bottle of Chardonnay, I knew this was a whole bottle night. I grabbed a wine glass and took the bottle into the bedroom. The twin bed with its gray bedding added to my disheartening mood. I climbed into bed and picked up my copy of "Forgotten Hearts." Why not add insult to injury, right? I opened to where I left off last night.

...Roxanne grabbed Tom's hand.

"I won't let you leave me," she cried.

"I must leave. My ship sails at dawn. I have to be on it," he explained, wiping the tears from her cheeks.

"But when will I see you again?" she questioned through her choking sobs.

"Don't cry my love, I will find my way back to you or die trying," he tried to reassure her.

"Oh Tom, I can't go on without you," Roxanne whispered as she threw her arms around his neck...."

I put the book down on the bed, holding the page open. Did love always have to mean saying good-bye? I wanted to believe in the power of love to overcome any obstacle but life had shown me the cruel reality. Love is a promise never kept, as real as leprechauns and unicorns. However, believing in the childish illusions of happily ever after and Prince Charming is what keeps us from sinking into the gray world I now find myself in. I poured another glass and closed my eyes. While I sipped the wine, my mind drifted back in time.

*********

I look into His dark brown eyes. His eyes seem to reach deep into my soul. The world disappears; it is just the two of us. His hands cup my face and He pulls me toward Him. As our lips touch, it is like an electric bolt shot through me. I melt to His touch. The tenderness of His kiss makes me feel like I'm floating, watching the passion envelope us. As we part, I look up to see those tender brown eyes calling out to me urging my body to succumb to our desires. My body gives into the calling. His petal soft lips make their way down my neck and onto my exposed shoulders. He knows every inch of my body, knows how to encourage my body to bend to His will. Time stands still as He explores me and takes me to heights I have never known.

*********

I opened my eyes and the images disappeared. Left in its place was a longing so strong it physically hurt. Once again I was shrouded in despair. Giving in to the pain I finished my drink and poured another. Maybe I could drown the ache that filled me. I returned the bookmarker to its original place and switched on the television. I went to the on screen guide to see what mind numbing show I could lose myself in. I passed on Pretty Woman, too unrealistic. I mean really, a hooker and a millionaire falling in love and him riding to her rescue, saving her from a lonely and unfulfilled life.

"Happily Ever After, my ass," I smirked, "they don't show you six months later when he gets bored and leaves her."

I continued checking the channels. The Wedding Planner, Serendipity, what the hell is going on. Was that all there was on television now, illusions of love and the promise of love everlasting, nothing but fairy tales? Why tonight of all nights. I guessed I would settle for the news. No promises of love there, only the cold, cruel, harsh reality of robbery, murder and political scandal. Ah, the real world, no illusions just the truth. This world is cruel and unforgiving. You make a mistake, one wrong move on the highway of life and things are never the same. I finished my glass of wine and shut off the television. My head felt light and my heart heavy. I turned off the light and climbed under the covers. As I drifted off to sleep, I was tormented by images, pictures of him. The deeper I slipped into unconsciousness the clearer his face became.

*********

We were sitting together, holding one another, talking about the future. Sharing our hopes and dreams. A feeling of complete content washed over me. We were going to be so happy together, forever. Hours passed like seconds. We made love with no boundaries. Our souls joined together creating one heart, beating in total rhythm. Pleasure filled me. His eyes penetrated me as His body carried me to complete ecstasy. I fell asleep cradled in His arms, His hand stroking my hair. I awoke and He was gone. I ran through the house calling His name. The room darkened and grew cold. I sank to the floor and wept. I felt hollow inside.

I screamed into the night, "Why did you leave me."

*********

I awoke suddenly. Tears still fresh on my cheeks and pillow. A feeling of dread surrounded me, holding me hostage. There was no one to negotiate for my soul, no one to free me. I began to weep again with tears of need, tears of loss, and tears for the empty future that was my destiny. I cried myself to sleep, searching the darkness for just one more glimpse of him. But sleep came to me alone. It was not a restful sleep.

I awoke with the sun peeking through the curtains, its rays trying to comfort my wounded spirit. I welcomed the sunlight but dark clouds hung over me, closing around me pushing out the invited warmth.

It's been six long lonely months since he last visited my dreams. The intrusion was welcomed; however, the loss when I awoke was tremendous. A sense of hopelessness waited for me with the coming of light. I lay beneath the warm covers not feeling the warmth it intended; instead I felt the cold reality of a solitary existence. I prayed for sleep to swallow me again so I could part with the bone chilling cold that had its hold on my soul. Soft slumbers eluded me. I rose to face another emotionally destitute day.

It's almost funny how slow life passes by when you are terrified to face it. Each agonizing day just brings more empty thoughts. Thoughts of joy, happiness, and love just make the world appear colder, harder, and more depressing. Night brings hope, hope that he will save me, come for me, and take away the pain, but he isn't there. Months pass again without him and I begin to dread the night. My anticipation of him was now replaced with the realization that he too had abandoned me, again. The weight of self-pity was unbearable.

I pass through my life in solitude. I search for more, but I am left empty, drained and damaged. No one will ever love me. A penance I am forced to pay throughout eternity, I am certain. One year has passed since he crept into my dreams. I have learned to sleep without hope. The images that now come to me are dark and frightening. I am alone and scared. Reaching out to the vast empty space, seeking comfort but it is just out of my grasp. Hiding from me, teasing and taunting me. I awake with a heavier weight than the previous day left upon me. I pray for peace but my prayers seem to fall on deaf ears.

Tonight, I decided I was in need of a sleeping aid, one with an intoxicating bouquet and sweet taste. I got my bottle of wine and a glass, retreating to my room. I wanted the wine to erase my thoughts and put my mind on hold. With the second glass my mind turned silent. My eyelids felt heavy and I knew I was not far from the bleakness of sleep, but no matter how bleak it was in my dreams it did not compare to the devastation of my waking hours. The assault my mind played on me was too much to bear. The constant daily reminders of a life wasted. I placed the glass on the nightstand and shut off the lights. Darkness enveloped me.

*********

I am in a red satin robe and that is all that I am wearing. I walk and as I walk the fogs lifts. I am in my living room. Candlelight surrounds me. It feels warm and inviting. Out of the shadows He comes to me. I try to speak but am unable. He takes my hand, leads me to the sofa and sets me down. I reach out to him and pull him down to me. He kneels before me and looks into my eyes and I am paralyzed. The candlelight flickers on His face, my heart feels as if it will burst.

"I am here," He says, His voice is so soft it is as if the wind is talking, " I am here to take care of you. I want to please you. Let Me take away all your pain"

"Yes," I sigh as He moves my robe apart, exposing me. His warm breath touches the tender skin of my thigh. A cry escapes my lips. I close my eyes and surrender my body and mind to His touch. I feel the pleasure rising in me, a volcanic pressure waiting for the exact moment to erupt. Just as the waves of ecstasy crash down on me, I awaken.

**********

I tossed the covers back; my body was burning on the inside. It was difficult to catch my breath. As the dreamlike feeling of content and fulfillment fade away, I clung to the sense of satisfaction I felt, like a life preserver. I prayed that it would carry me to happiness but it was just a dream, a moment in time that has passed me by. While the dream left me feeling as if a missing piece of me had been found, the sadistic part is I knew it had not and with this revelation came a sense of doom. Would I ever find peace? When would I be finished paying off this cosmic debt? When would I be free?

I went about my day in silence. When things got too hard, I tried to conjure up his face, those eyes, boring into my very essence. That got me through the rough periods of self-doubt and regret but as quick as he could appear in my mind's eye, he vanished. I arrived home exhausted, the effort it took to sustain an appearance of confidence was draining and I longed only for sleep and Him.

***********

I am standing on a cliff overlooking the ocean, waves crashing against the boulders below me. I hear distant voices but cannot make out what they are saying. I am shocked to find a bouquet of wild flowers tied with a cream satin ribbon on the ground in front of me. I reach down for them and notice the gown I am wearing. It is antique white with long flowing lace sleeves. It looks like a gown straight out of the Renaissance period. I love the cold feel of the satin against my skin. I hear the voices again this time they are louder but still not audible. I sense I am not alone and begin to turn. Suddenly I see a man dressed as a priest standing beside me. I open my mouth to question him when I notice he is speaking to me but I can't hear him. I strain to make out what his lips are saying.

I hear, "I do."

I turn and see Him. He is more handsome than I have ever seen Him. Dressed in black pants with a white-ruffled shirt, so white it is almost blinding in the sun. It casts a reflection on His face, illuminating His eyes. I am unable to speak. His beauty is breathtaking. He moves toward me as if He is floating. Upon reaching my side, He takes me into His arms.

"You are so beautiful," He whispers in my ear. He releases my body and takes my face into His warm, soft hands. Looking deep into my eyes, He declares, " I prayed God would send Me someone and He has sent Me an angel. I will never stop loving you."

He leans down and kisses my lips so gently as if a butterfly has kissed me. My body feels like it is melting. I am afraid my knees will give out, but He is there to hold me up. I open my mouth to declare my love for Him when in the distance I hear bells ringing. The ringing grows louder. I see the fogs moving off the water toward us. I press myself closer to Him, needing His strength. The ringing continues, each time getting louder. The fog consumes us. I no longer feel Him. The ringing is all around me now, deafening me.

*********

I awoke abruptly to the phone, next to my bed, ringing. Who could it be? No one ever called me. I reached for the phone, trying to clear my head.

"Hello," I said, my voice softened by the weakness of my dream.

"Hello," the voice on the other end replied. It was Him . . .