Always and Never Ch. 02

Lucia was right; she was a goddamned wreck. Drinking alone in her house, and now she was crying into her strawberry pancakes. Things were far from right. She sniffed loudly, trying to wipe away her tears.

"Oh god Rach," Lucia exclaimed. She reached across the table for her hand. "I'm sorry. I was too harsh. I shouldn't have thrown all this at you."

"No, it's not your fault" she said. "It's not like I don't know it's true."

"Still doesn't make it right."

"We all know you can't hold your tongue for shit," Rachel smirked, wiping the fresh tears.

Lucia smiled. "This is true."

"Thanks Luce."

"For what?"

"For slapping me with reality. I think it's time to cut the ties."

"What are you going to do?"

Rachel sighed. The million dollar question. "Close my eyes and wish it all away?"

"Sorry, Mama" Lucia said, shaking her head. "You don't get away that easily."

"I know," she groaned. "I made my bed and now I have to lie in it. But I don't know if I can."

"What, give him up? Why not?"

She couldn't explain it, her reasons for sticking around. To an outside person, it wouldn't make sense, staying in a relationship that wasn't really much of a relationship at all. To Rachel, it was better than the alternative, facing the encompassing loneliness that surrounded her almost daily. To say it aloud would force her to admit defeat, to acknowledge she made a terrible mistake, and that she never could handle the challenge of making Brendan love her. "It's...it's complicated."

Lucia shook her head. "No, it's not. It only seems that way because you already know the answer. You already know what you have to do Rach." She sighed. "I just wish you could see how much more you deserve than Brendan Doyle."

Rachel sighed, running an errant hand through her ebony locks before swooping the dark mass into a high ponytail, securing it with the black band on her wrist. "I know, Luce. I can't make him love me. And I can't make him leave his wife. I just wish this shit wouldn't hurt. I ache. My heart literally hurts with every beat."

"I know honey," she replied. "Now just imagine how it would hurt even more to stay in this mess. Trust me, you don't need him." She shook out her shoulders. "Enough of all this. Let's not let it spoil our brunch. Eat up."

********

Friday morning Rachel awoke with a new heartbeat. It pulsed excitedly, as if her whole body could sense the immense change on the horizon. She was determined to stay positive, to not let her wanting take over and make her miserable. It took four days of moping and sporadic sobbing before she dried her tears and rose to the challenge. She was stronger than this situation, she kept saying to herself. The funny thing was, the more she said it, the more she believed it. The simple words gave her a renewed strength. Rachel supposed a big part of her confidence was that she hadn't heard from Brendan for an entire week.. That wasn't unusual. Most of his time during the weekend was spent playing the dutiful husband, going to various functions and playing sports with the husbands of his wife's friends.

She recalled how he would make fun of them, with their ridiculous sense of entitlement and blue blood snobbery. He didn't consider himself one of them because unlike Warner Huffington or Cash Haverfield, his inheritance was well earned, a product of hard work and savvy business and leadership skills. Though his father's empire was gingerly placed in his hands, it was those very hands that made it into the powerful conglomerate it was today.

It was one of the many reasons why she loved and admired him. He was smart, possessing both book knowledge and street smarts to navigate the shark-infested waters that was the business world. His intelligence was sexy, but it was also irritating at times; the way he always thought he was right about everything made her want to scream in frustration. Plus he could be stubborn as hell, refusing to budge even the slightest inch.

Rachel shrugged off thoughts of Brendan. Today was a fresh start; it was a brand new day. Her black peep toe Louboutin heels clicked sharply as she crossed into her kitchen. Reaching into a cupboard, she pulled out her favorite cobalt coffee mug. She was about to pour the fragrant drink when her cell phone chirped loudly. Rachel placed the pot back on the burner and reached into her purse on the counter for the phone.

"Hey Luce," she said, cradling the phone between her cheek and shoulder blade. "I know I'm running a little late babe but I've got good reason to. Just go ahead and do the AgriCorp consultation without me..."

"Are you trying to play hooky, gorgeous?"

A cold chill of realization doused the fire of hope in her heart. Of course it would be him. Just her fucking luck. Her mind raced for the perfect comeback, something biting sharp that would show him just how much she really didn't need him. "Um...hey." Smooth, Tunney. Real smooth.

Brendan chuckled, a low rumbling sound that made her knees dip slightly and she wished like hell for the strength to resist him. "Are you planning on making some time for me? Or are you just going to dodge me?"

Rachel felt her mouth go dry, the words lodged in her throat, a large lump of regret. It wasn't that she couldn't say no to him. It almost felt physically impossible. Fuck, why was she always so feeble when it came to him? "Uh..."

"You know, I was pretty upset with you when you ignored me the other night."

"I know, but..."

"Very childish, gorgeous. You could have just said no."

He made it sound so easy, as if telling him no was the equivalent of asking a stranger for the time. "Could I really?"

"Yes. I know I was harsh, but what I said was the truth. You aren't my wife and I'm not looking for a new one. But I still want you. You know what I want and how I want it, Rachel. If you aren't mature enough to handle my wants and needs, then let me know. If you can't say what you want like a grown woman, then I can just stop wasting my time with you."

It was as if he said the magic words. "I have to get to work." She pressed END, cutting off the call. Her fingers gripped the black granite countertop, trying to steady her trembling body. She let out a long shaky sigh, realizing she'd been holding her breath for a while. A small smile spread on her lips. That felt good. It felt damn good.

********

"You did what?" Lucia's dark brown eyes widened in surprise. She was sitting across from Rachel in one of their conference rooms.

Rachel grinned slightly. "I know it was childish but it was the only thing I could think of."

Lucia's loud laughter bounced off the walls. "Rach, you are fucking insane. I can't believe you hung up the phone on him."

"I just couldn't take it anymore. He was just talking and saying the dumbest shit. My first reaction was to hang up. And then afterwards I almost started panicking because I thought I made a mistake." Her fingers ran a jagged path through her hair. Her heart was still pounding erratically. Stupidly, she wondered about what he was thinking. She shouldn't care...but it was still there.

"You aren't regretting it, are you?" Lucia's question brought her out of her thoughts.

"Kind of. It's such a small action, hanging up the phone. But I swear it was like the equivalent of slapping him."

"Hey, I'm all about you slapping him too."

Rachel smiled. It was a long time since a smile. It felt good. "Small steps, Luce."

"I'm just saying. Anyway now that you're a free agent and all...you have more time to hang out with your best friend."

She groaned. "Was I really that bad, Luce?"

Lucia shrugged. "Let's just say if it wasn't for work I would hardly recognize you."

"Okay now I feel bad."

"Don't. We've all done it before, gotten swept away by the penis."

"Yeah, well I just wish it was for a penis that deserved it."

"No worries, Rach. I've got faith you'll find what you're looking for."

"I hope so. I really do."

********

She hated being alone. When she was younger and in college, she longed for the years when she would come home and find her place in complete silence. It was understandable to feel that way after years of living at home with her parents, to life in the dorms, to off campus apartments with friends. There was always someone around, no sense of privacy whatsoever.

Now she craved at least some of that noise, the comfort of knowing someone else was there. Coming back to an empty house was a sinking, lonely feeling. She placed her bag on her kitchen counter and stared at her surroundings. The kitchen was modern and neat, painted in muted hues of pumpkin and spice. Everything was as it should be, and yet nothing was the way she wanted.

This was bigger than Brendan. It was something that had been brewing long before. He was just the catalyst. It was unexplainable, the way loneliness can creep up almost as quietly as a disease, spreading like wildfire. It was all-consuming and the false comfort of a selfish lover can seem like a cure-all, but in reality it just feeds the sickness.

Rachel needed to get out, to escape her problems for a little while. As if on cue, her phone chirped loudly. Stepping out of her heels, she fished through her purse. "Hey Luce, I just got home."

"What are you doing tonight?"

"I don't know. Figured I might take a bubble bath. Order some takeout, maybe watch a movie."

She smiled when she heard Lucia snort through the phone.

"You're a wild one, Mama. You should come over. We're having a little dinner party."

"Lucia, I don't know if I'm up for a big party..."

"Oh Jesus, Rachel it's not like we're having a block party. It's just me, Aaron, and the kids, and some of Aaron's friends from the shop. That's all. You just need to get out the damn house. The more you sit at home, the worse it'll be."

She was right; being alone with her thoughts right now wasn't the best thing. She needed the comfortingly numb effect of people and mindless conversation. Rachel sighed. "Alright, alright. Give me some time to get ready."

An hour later Rachel was walking up the cobblestone pathway that led to Lucia's house. She belted her black Burberry walking coat around her; she should have worn a warmer coat. It was getting much colder. As she got up to the house, the door opened and Lucia peeked her head out.

"Finally! I thought you weren't going to show up."

"Well clearly I'm here."

"Whatever girl, come on in. Everybody else is already inside."

Rachel stepped in, shrugging off her coat and placing it gingerly on the coat rack near the door. Lucia let out a low whistle. "Wow. This is the most dressed down I've seen you in almost three years." She pointed to Rachel's outfit.

"I didn't feel like getting all dressed up." The truth was, she didn't feel like there was a need to get dolled up, not anymore. She was wearing a pair of light blue jeans she had since college. They were soft, practically worn in the seat and had artful holes in the knees from a night she got creative in undergrad. She paired it with a red short sleeved t-shirt and a white long-sleeved thermal underneath. She was wearing the barest of makeup, her unblemished face left smooth by no foundation; no eyeliner, with just a hint of nude gloss. She felt years younger.

Lucia snickered. "You didn't feel like getting dressed up? Lord, now I know something's wrong. At least you left your hair down. Your one beauty."

Rachel smiled, shoving her playfully. "Shut up. You sound like my mother."

"Well come on. Everyone's in the back. Aaron's already fired up the grill."

"Grill? Luce, it's freaking December."

"Please don't make me try and understand the goofball I married. I think he's trying to show off for those fools he works with."

They walked through the modest living room into the large kitchen in the back. Rachel could hear the raucous that was pure male camaraderie. "Luce where are the girls?"

"Oh, I gave them dinner and put them to bed. Think I'd let these fools around my babies? The last time they taught Annalise some dirty song which she sang for show and tell. That was an interesting parent-teacher conference."

Rachel chuckled. This was what she needed, mindless time. Although she wasn't particularly keen on spending it with a bunch of rambunctious man-boys. Lucia's husband Aaron was co-owner of The Ink Blot, one of the city's hippest tattoo parlors. They had a constant stream of clients, both celebrity and civilian. There was even talk about a reality show in the works.

The guys were in the kitchen, cracking jokes while Aaron seasoned a large tray of ground beef. He smiled when the two of the entered. "Alright guys, behave now. There are womenfolk among us."

"Listen to Torres," a guy with curly brown haired said. "He's so whipped."

"At least he has a girl, Metzger. When was the last time you've seen a naked woman?" the dark skinned guy shot back, a half smile on his full lips.

"Last night, when your mom came over," the guy named Metzger returned.

A whole chorus of "Ohhh" rang out.

Lucia shook her head. "Welcome to my life. It's like being stuck in junior high."

Aaron smiled. "Aww, baby it's not that bad." He washed his hands before embracing Rachel. "Rach, let me introduce you to the boys. That loudmouth over there is our resident Jew, Dino Metzger, there's Markus Foster, and the quiet one on his cell phone is Cullen Donnelly. Boys, this is Luce's best friend Rachel Tunney. Be nice, you assholes."

"I will," Dino said. "Where the hell have you been hiding this one, Luce? She's hot as balls."

"You trying to say I have ugly friends, Metz?"

Dino shook his head, his hazel eyes sharp. "Not at all. I'm just saying, we've never seen this one before."

"Well, she's always busy. You know, doing actual work."

"Um, can you two stop talking about me like I'm not here?" Rachel could feel all their eyes on her, taking in her appearance and she couldn't help but feel like a piece of art on display.

"Alright children, stop ogling her as if she were the last rib at a fat man's barbecue. Aaron, get to work on this food so we can eat at a decent hour. Markus, set the table and Dino you get the drinks. Cullen get off that damn phone and find something to do." Lucia shot them all a look that clearly meant business.

Grumbling, they set to work. Lucia looked around the kitchen. "Where's Jared?"

Aaron thumbed in the direction of the patio.

"What else? Killing his lungs."

"Do you need any help doing anything, Luce?"

Rachel wasn't the best of cooks, but she was willing to keep her mind busy.

Lucia shook her head. "No, Mama. Beer's in the cooler on the patio. Go and relax. Me and these knuckleheads will whip up dinner in no time."

Lucia practically shoved her onto the porch, and she wished she would have grabbed her coat before heading out. The night air was brisk and she shivered slightly against the chill. She pulled her long sleeves over her hands before reaching into the cooler and pulling out a beer. Twisting the cap off, she drank slowly, savoring the icy taste. A loud burp escaped and she chuckled softly. "Nice one, Tunney" she said to herself.

"I would have given it a ten," a voice said from the darkness.

"Holy shit!" Rachel exclaimed, nearly dropping the bottle. Flicking on the outdoor light she spotted a man sitting on the railing of the patio, a cigarette dangling from his lips. "Jesus you scared the shit outta me."

"Sorry," he said sheepishly. "I thought you knew I was out here. I'm Jared. Jared Kuroki." He held out his hand.

Stepping closer, Rachel took a good look at him, as much as the dim light would show. His onyx hair was spiked in a fauxhawk that was more hard rock than the meterosexual David Beckham look. Taking a silver lighter from his pocket, he lit his cigarette with one hand, illuminating for the briefest of moments the warmest pair of brown eyes she'd ever seen.

He stared at her, his almond-shaped gaze held a hint of amusement. "You gonna take my hand or what?"

Rachel looked down and noticed that his hand was still extended in greeting. "Oh sorry," she said, taking his in hers. "My name's Rachel." She was expecting his palm to be rough, but it was surprisingly warm and somewhat soft, not at all callused as she thought. His grip was strong and firm, his muscles flexing lightly as his large hand practically swallowed hers. He had artists' hands with big, strong, nimble fingers, and a firm grip.

He smiled. "Oh yeah, you're Lucia's friend. The one she works with. The one with the shitty boyfriend."

The polite grin slid from her face, replaced by an almost painful grimace. "Uh yeah," she stammered. She shifted from one foot to the other.

"Ahh, shit sorry about that" he said quickly. "I have a tendency to run my mouth at the most inappropriate times. That was rude of me."

"No—no, it's okay."

"Peace offering?" he said, pulling another cigarette from his pocket.

Rachel shook her head. "I don't—ahh, hell just this once." She took the square from him, bending forward slightly so he could light it. Rachel breathed in slowly, watching the embers light before blowing the smoke out. "God, I haven't had a cigarette since college."

Jared chuckled. "Rebel."

"Kind of. So why are you out here in the dark all alone?"

He shrugged, dragging on the cigarette once more.

"Don't know. Just needed some time to think."

"Yeah, I know how that is. Actually lately all I seem to be doing is thinking. I think my brain is secretly plotting to drive me crazy." Rachel took another drag on the cigarette, inhaling slowly before blowing the smoke out in slow wisps. She snuck a peek at Jared and noticed he was watching her, his chocolate eyes pensive. "Hey," she chuckled nervously. "Snap out of it, buddy."

Jared shook his head. "Sorry. It's just....I might be too forward but that was the sexiest thing I've ever seen."

Rachel rolled her eyes, shooing away his compliment. "What? Me blowing out smoke?"

"Oh hell yeah." He laughed, and she found herself smiling too. He had an infectious chuckle, the sound shooting out all over her body, wrapping around her like a warm quilt.

"So do you always say whatever thoughts are whizzing around in your head?"

"Pretty much," Jared said as he stubbed out his cigarette. "I don't have that filter most people do when it comes to polite conversation. I say whatever's on my mind. It's a blessing and a curse."

"I can imagine." Rachel put out her cigarette. "Brr, it's a little chilly out here. Should have brought my coat."

"Here," he said. He thrust a black zip up hoodie under her nose.

Rachel pulled her arms through, before zipping the hoodie up all the way. It smelled of aftershave and cigarettes, the sharp scent tantalizing her senses. "Thanks."

He shrugged his shoulders. "No prob. So, you and Luce have been friends for a while?"

"Since freshman year of college. We had a few classes together before realizing we lived in the same dorm. We started studying together and eventually became closer. Been love ever since."

Jared gave a light chuckle. "She's a real cool chick, although I have to admit I was a little afraid of her when we first met."

"Hahaha yeah she can have that effect on people. She's a total pussycat, long as you stay on her good side." Rachel hopped up on the railing next to him. "So you're a tattoo artist like Aaron?"

"Yup. Been sketching since I was sixteen, did my first tat at eighteen. I'm the newest addition to The Ink Blot family. I've been working with the boys for about six years."

"Six years? That doesn't seem like a newbie."

"Yeah, well it is to those clowns. They still give me shit about being the new guy."

Rachel smiled. "They seem like a lot to handle."

"Oh, they're fucking nuts for sure. But I can't imagine being anywhere else except doing what I love with some of the best guys I know."