Amazing Grace Ch. 11-12

"She told me that you were afraid to be alone. She quoted you almost word-for-word about how you wanted to spend time together and about building on a good thing, and all that."

Ethan nodded his head. "I reuse my own lines. I stick with what works."

I frowned at his reasoning and his blase attitude about it.

"I know this is hard to believe now, but I didn't really mean it the same way when I said it to her. I never felt the same way about her like I do you. This is different."

"She said you had a phrase you used to describe me. Sugar kink?"

"She overheard a piece of a conversation I was having with John about your books. Being classified as 'sugar kink' on a particular site. Not you."

"Oh, yeah. I knew that term sounded familiar. She was with you last night."

"No. She was at Parker's house. John's uncle. She heard that we were getting together over there and she invited herself. I barely talked to her. She said she wanted to get together so she could get some things off her chest."

"She didn't look like she was dressed for talking."

Ethan shook his head. "I didn't even notice. I threw her out of my house and rushed over here."

"Her nipples are pierced. Is that why you wanted me to pierce mine? To be like her?"

"No, Grace. I've never even seen her piercings. Harley must've done that, or she did, I don't know. I don't keep track of her. I could care less about Holly."

"You never asked her to do that?"

"No. I swear."

"Ethan, I don't know if this will work. I don't fit in your world."

"You're wrong, Grace."

Ethan glanced at his watch and heaved a sigh.

"I had these plans for us tonight. I wanted to take you to the dungeon and play. I know this sounds like really bad timing, but I think we should go anyway."

"Why?"

"Because I think it could clear up a lot of things for both of us. And I think, well, I hope that it'll bring us closer."

I looked over into his eyes for a few long, silent moments. He was being his honest and sincere self. Nothing had changed. He hadn't cheated on me as I had thought, even though I was having a hard time shaking the feeling that he had. And he appeared to want to make things work between us.

I so wanted that.

I nodded, "Okay."

***

Julian met us at the door and let us in. On the way there, Ethan asked me for my safeword and then started coaching me on how to rate my own ability to continue. He made it a point to tell me that he wasn't going to go easy on me. I wasn't sure how I felt about it. Part of me was relieved that he wasn't going to pretend. But the bigger part of me was just plain scared out of my wits.

And maybe there was a tiny bit of excitement in there.

Ethan spent a few minutes talking with Julian out of my hearing range. He never took his eyes off me, though, and I noticed that he was positioned between me and the door. It struck me as somewhat funny since I had nowhere to run. The dungeon wasn't exactly located in the best part of town and I'd ridden there with Ethan, so there was no escape by car.

I found it amusing that my imagination started conjuring up all sorts of short movies where I'm running and he catches me. He then throws me down to punish me and have his way with me. In the end, I surrender to his will and he makes me promise never to run again. A delicious chill traveled down my body as I replayed different versions of the same theme in my mind.

By the time Ethan was walking toward me, my feet were itching to take off toward the door and I could hardly wipe the silly smirk off my face.

"That's a devious little grin. What are you thinking about?"

I shrugged and giggled nervously. "I was wondering what you'd do if I made a dash for the door."

"Hmmm...What do you think I'd do?"

I shrugged.

"Okay, let me rephrase that...What do you imagine me doing?"

I could feel the heat rising up my neck and onto my cheeks. I just couldn't say it out loud to him. I don't know why.

"Go ahead. Run."

Adrenaline coursed through my veins in an instant. It was just what my feet wanted to hear.

I spun away from the door to throw him off. It bought me a couple yards of a head start but I was going in the wrong direction. I ran around the furniture grouping, placing the objects between us for a momentary standoff, each of us huffing and crouched over.

My heart was pounding hard in my chest. My mind had somehow convinced my body that I was in danger and needed to get away. It was completely exhilarating.

I juked right and then changed direction to the left, but he was onto my fake. His arms wrapped around me just as I hooked around the end of the sofa and was about to make my way toward the door.

"Gotcha."

I struggled in Ethan's arms, but he wrangled me to the sofa and managed to climb on top of me so that his knees and calves pinned my arms and his weight held my hips in place. I made one more attempt to free myself but could feel that there was no chance of escaping that position. He had me. I lay panting in defeat beneath him.

Ethan sneered down at me. "That's all you got?"

I struggled again with renewed energy. He had to use his hands to keep me restrained.

"Easy, there. You'll hurt yourself if you're not careful. And it won't buy you any sympathy from me. I'll still punish you for running."

Ethan released his grip on my wrists but my arms were firmly pinned between his legs and the sofa cushions. He ran his hands through his hair, smoothing back the strands that were plastered to his sweaty face.

"You're a pain in the ass, you know that? Always plotting your escape. Never really giving us a chance."

I froze as he was talking. Is he role-playing or is this real?

"I'll take the blame for some of it. I've been too soft on you. But that changes right now."

Ethan looked over my head and I heard shuffling on the stage. It was obviously Julian moving something around.

"Thanks. That'll work fine there. Hey, can you bring me my bag?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Also, could you scare me up some shackles? Or actually, I just need a short chain I can clip to ankle cuffs. I have a runner, here."

"Yeah, no problem. I know just the thing."

I shot a scowl at Ethan and he laughed at me, then opened his bag to pull out my wrist cuffs. It was embarrassingly easy for him to attach the cuffs to my wrists.

Julian returned with a heavy chain and set it on the arm of the sofa. "You want help with the ankles?"

"Sure."

It didn't seem fair for him to get help, but then again this wasn't exactly a game. There weren't any rules that I was aware of. Of course Ethan would use any and all means available to him. I know I was planning to do the same when I got the chance.

Ethan buckled a collar around my neck while Julian worked on my ankles. My struggling was less than impressive with Julian there. I didn't want to take it out on him. He was an unwitting accomplice.

My right arm was yanked from beneath Ethan's leg as he shifted some of his weight off of it. I flailed and struggled to get it free but he had a vice-like grip on one of the hoops in the cuff, making it impossible for me to yank it from his hand. Eventually he clipped the hoop to my collar. Then he did the same on the other side.

My fingertips searched for the buckle to the collar to release it, but I couldn't quite manage it. Ethan just sat there and watched in amusement.

"You're only prolonging the inevitable with your struggling. Why don't you just give in like a good girl and get it over with?"

I gritted my teeth. "Never."

"What are you fighting?"

My arms stilled as I searched for the answer. I opened my mouth to respond and then shut it again.

"That's what I thought. You have no idea. I'm not the enemy, Grace. The sooner you learn that, the better."

Ethan stood up and pulled me up by my elbow. I started to take a step and teetered as the chain pulled taut with my foot held in place. He gripped me tight to keep me from falling over.

"You're not going anywhere without my help."

Ethan bent at the waist and hoisted me over his shoulder in one motion. Then he carried me a few yards to the place where I'd heard Julian scuffling around earlier. When he set me down I recognized the apparatus immediately. It was a St. Andrew's Cross.

I blanched and then teetered but Ethan was there to keep me upright.

"Shhhhh...You knew this was coming. You deserve this, now just take it."

I shook my head, almost involuntarily.

Ethan's lips were at my ear. "You have a safeword and you know what to do. I won't go further than you can handle. You can do this, Grace."

It was his words of encouragement that did it. They gave me the boost of strength I needed to keep myself from panicking.

Ethan unclipped one wrist and attached it to a loop on the cross. Then the other wrist. He fastened the chain to something near the floor, leaving my legs together. I was thankful that I was facing the room and able to lean forward against the cross. And that I was still fully clothed.

Ethan caressed my cheek for a moment before going to fetch his bag. I was coming to cherish his small reassuring kindnesses. I realized that he doled them out more freely than I had noticed before. He was actually very attentive and affectionate.

What an odd thought to have about the person who is about to beat you.

Ethan's hands wrapped around my waist and unfastened my pants. Oh, shit, so much for being clothed. He pulled my pants down my thighs with my underwear in tow. The cross section of the cross provided a shield for the front of me, which was a small favor. My backside was fully exposed though, but only to Ethan because there was a wall right behind him.

I felt a change within me. This was really going to happen. Somewhere deep inside I knew I could stop it if I really wanted to, but that thought was hidden somewhere. I preferred to believe that I had no control over what was happening. That I carried none of the responsibility. He was in control.

It was comforting in an odd sort of way to believe that.

Ethan's hand moved over my bare bottom. He caressed one side and then the other. He lifted the back of my shirt and tucked it up into the elastic band of my brassier, exposing more of my back. I shivered and pressed myself firmly against the cross. The steadiness of that wicked device was my best ally.

"I still owe you for all the whining you did our first night. Remember?"

I nodded my head and then dropped my chin to my chest. I remembered not caring at the time what the consequences were. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"The thing I want you to remember Grace, is that I do this because I care about us. If I didn't care, your actions would mean nothing to me."

The defensive, snarky voice in my head retorted with: Sure that's the reason. It can't be because you like to hurt people. Noooooo...

"I admit I like it, too, but do you know why?"

I was alarmed that he seemed to read my mind. I thought for a second that maybe I'd said the words out loud. I'm losing my mind for sure. I shook my head to answer his question. Even if I had some clue, which I didn't, I wasn't going to risk my own hide saying it aloud.

"I like the intimacy of it. The level of trust you're putting in me right now acts like a drug to my system. I crave it. And every noise that you make and tear that you shed will become mine. I want it all, Grace. I want you. All of you. Your tears, your pain, your fears, your orgasms, and all your self-doubts. Let me take them from you so you don't have to carry that burden anymore."

Out of nowhere it seemed, tears began flowing down my cheeks. I wanted to let it all go. I had no idea if I possessed the strength or courage to do it. Or if by some miracle, this punishment would somehow set me free. I doubted it.

While what he was saying sounded sweet, I'd stopped believing in fairy tales after my disastrous marriage. And although this tale was clearly not the traditional storyline, it still sounded a little too perfect to be possible.

Ms Snarky retorted: Let's not wax sentimental over this. If you're going to beat my ass, then just do it. No need to make elaborate excuses.

Nonetheless, the tears still flowed down my cheeks. Part of me wanted to believe him. That if I'd just accept this exchange, give it all to him, things would change for me.

Ethan moved away from me briefly. I heard him rifling around in his bag. And then silence. I hated the silence the most.

I felt his hot breath at my neck next. He kissed my cheek and licked the stream of tears there. I turned my head away from him. Those are my tears, not yours. It was hard to believe that I was feeling possessive over some lousy tears. I think I mostly resented his kindness at that moment. It was probably an incredibly stupid thing to do. I mean the last thing you want to do is provoke the Dom who is about to beat you.

Ethan sighed and moved away. I waited for several long, so long, minutes. My heart pounded a jungle rhythm in my chest and my entire body started to tremble.

The first swat was jarring. It wasn't his hand. It was some sort of hard, flat object. I was relieved it wasn't a whip. I didn't think I could handle a whip.

He came down again. And again. And again. Over and over in a steady rhythm. Five times, ten times, fifteen times...I'd tense at the number just before a milestone, hoping he would be finished...twenty...twenty-five...When is he going to stop?...thirty...pause...thirty-five ... Those five swats hurt the worse. He'd worked me into a numb state, but the pause seemed to erase it and then when he restarted, the pain level was ratcheted up a notch.

My toes curled and I screeched through gritted teeth. I tried twisting away and yanking my wrists free. I was crying and angry.

Ethan stilled my torso with hardly more than a calm caress. Then he continued...forty...forty-five...My body went limp and I let my wrists hold my weight. I gave up trying to fight it. Sobs wracked my frame until I thought I might hurl right there. Fifty...fifty-one...fifty-two. I wasn't even flinching anymore. I didn't care if he continued or not.

Ethan walked around the cross to stand in front of me. He lifted my chin and wiped my cheeks and then my nose and mouth. I was a complete mess of tears and snot.

Then he set my head on his shoulder and caressed my hair. More tears came. Round after round of sobbing. More snot running down my face and onto his shirt but he didn't even balk. He just kept wiping them up and comforting me.

It finally stopped. I was drained. Empty. Even my ultimate defense mechanism, Ms Snarky was quiet.

He gently released my head and walked around behind me. He unfastened my wrists and unclipped the chain at my feet, then turned me around. I thought we were finished until he refastened my wrists on the cross. Then he moved to the side and I was horrified.

Hanging on the wall directly in front of me was a full-length mirror. My jaw dropped as I stared at the reflection. It didn't look anything like me.

Ethan lifted one of my legs out of my clothes and then began to widen my stance until he could attach my ankles to the feet of the cross. My clothes were still bunched around one of my ankles. I watched with an eerily distant amusement, as if the whole thing were happening to someone else entirely.

I became engrossed in the woman in the reflection. She had a sweetness about her. A kind face that made you feel at ease around her right away. Her cheeks and nose were pink from crying and the rest of her skin looked so pale next to his. Pure, even. The contrast of his ink against her creamy skin was so delicious. Forbidden.

His fingers went to work on her blouse until it was unbuttoned completely. He smoothed the fabric to the sides and reached around her back to unfasten the bra. Then he pushed the bra up over her breasts to expose them. So naughty.

He roughly palmed her breasts and she arched her back in appreciation. Her nipples hardened to these gorgeous little points on her chest. He pinched and rolled them between his fingers for a moment and then stood back to admire how they responded.

The look on his face was pure admiration. It was so obvious that he loved her.

His hand trailed down her stomach until his fingertips reached her slit. He caressed her there for several strokes. She cooed and tilted her pelvis to give him better access. He just kept stroking her gently. Then she tilted her head up to him.

Ethan's mouth was on mine, his tongue boldly pushing past my lips. His finger slid inside my slit and then all the way inside me to his knuckle. I was soaking wet. I have no idea when or how that happened.

He felt so good. So right. He added a second finger and slowly fucked me as he assaulted my mouth.

Then his fingers slid out of me and up my slit. He rested one finger on each side of my clitoral hood and began this lovely massaging motion, pinching and kneading and twisting my flesh between his digits. I got lost in the sensation. And then it started.

I groaned in his mouth at my quickening. Ethan pulled his mouth from mine and turned his head so that we were cheek to cheek facing the mirror.

"Come for me, Grace."

It all came crashing down on me at once. His command, my image in the mirror, all the amazing things he could do to me and with so little effort. And I realized that I was witnessing love right in front of me. Only it wasn't in front of me. It was me. And Ethan.

I trembled and fell apart. My climax gripped and then released me into his keeping.

***

My clothes were back on me and all the cuffs were gone. I vaguely recalled Ethan carrying me to the chair and settling me onto his lap. It felt more like a dream. I was completely wiped out.

"Did I pass out?"

Ethan smiled down at me. "Not completely."

"Is it ... Should we get going?"

"We still have some time." His grip tightened around me.

"I'm sorry, Ethan."

"About what, baby?"

"For trying to run. I don't ... want to."

Ethan scraped his fingernails along my butt cheek. Even through my pants I felt the soreness. "Ooooh. Ouch."

"Next time you do it for real it will be double. Understand?"

I nodded and buried my face in his neck. "You meant what you said about me being a pain in the ass, didn't you?"

"Yes. You are a pain in the ass. But you're my pain in the ass, now."

I nodded. Something had clearly changed between us. Maybe it was just a mutual agreement of the way things were going to be with us, or an understanding of our feelings for one another. I'm not sure.

It felt like it had taken me ages to come to this realization, even though we'd only known each other for a couple of weeks. We'd covered so much ground in that time. For me, though, this went back much further than that.

I'd been living in denial for most of my life. Not just about my own tendencies and who I was, but also about what I needed in order to feel whole. Knowing and feeling what I did with Ethan, I wondered if I'd ever even loved Robert, or if I was just in love with what that relationship represented. Security. Lasting stability.

Ironically, our relationship was neither of those things. I knew it before I even married him, but I went along with it because it was what I was supposed to strive for. It looked good from the outside and it made my parents and everyone else happy. But not me.

Robert was perfectly content to live the lie as long as he got what he needed on the side. He might've even loved that girl. I didn't care anymore. I was angry when I found out because I felt like something was being taken away from me. It was an illusion. I never had it to begin with. How pathetic.

I only felt the loss of time now and nothing else.