Amy's Christmas Guest Ch. 13

As we were getting ready for bed one evening, Pam said, "Tim, I'm starting to be worried. Lately I've been so tired, and I've been getting a persistent ache in my back, painkillers don't touch it. I think something might really be wrong."

I went to sit next to her on the bed, and put my arm round her shoulders. "I'm sorry, love. I had noticed that you didn't seem quite yourself lately. You should definitely go to the doctor and see what he says."

She nodded, and rested her head against my shoulder. I kissed her hair, and said, "Come on, let's get some rest. That'll help."

She lay back, her face betraying the pain she felt, and I pulled the covers over her. She smiled her thanks, and I turned the light off and lay down myself. It was quite a while before I could tell from her breathing that she was asleep, and I allowed myself to drift off.

***

After Pam had left for work the next morning, I sat down with Amy and Laura at the kitchen table.

"Girls, I need to tell you something. It might turn out to be something straightforward, but Pam hasn't been feeling well at all lately. She's going to go to the doctor's, and we'll see what comes of that. But it would be great if you could do what you can to help her, and understand if she seems less patient some of the time."

"Gosh," said Amy, "I really do hope it's nothing serious."

Laura nodded. "Pam has been so kind and generous to me while I've been here."

I got up. "I have to go to work now. Have a good day at college, you too."

As I drove, I offered a silent prayer to whoever might be listening, for my ever-patient and understanding wife, who had worked so hard all through our marriage to help us build the life we'd planned.

***

We walked out of the doctor's office, and I guided Pam to a seat in the empty reception area. I sat next to her and put my arm round her shoulders as I'd done when she first told me how unwell she'd been feeling. We sat in silence for long minutes. Then she turned her face towards me. Characteristically for Pam, her first thought was for others.

"How are we going to tell the girls?" she said.

"Don't worry about that," I said. "I spoke to them when you first said how ill you felt, so they've known that there was a possibility the answer would not be good."

She nodded. "We have a lot to talk about, a lot to do."

"I know," I said. "But we won't just talk about things we need to sort out." I struggled to keep control of my emotions. "We can talk about everything that's been good, our memories. We can get all the old diaries out, and the photos." Then I fell silent, knowing how final my words sounded.

***

I closed the cover of the last photo album. Amy smiled at Pam, and said, "You really looked elegant at those parties, Aunty Pam."

She hesitated, then went on, "I wish we could have seen you wearing some of those dresses." Then she suddenly got up and stumbled out of the room. Laura quickly followed her.

Pam smiled weakly. "I'm glad they've got each other. And maybe having them around will be some comfort to you."

I nodded. "Now, you'd better get some rest. We've tired you out." I rearranged the covers, and she turned her head on the pillow and closed her eyes. I dimmed the lights, and left the room, closing the door quietly. I could hear the girls upstairs in Amy's room, Laura doing her best to comfort Amy.

I went into my study, sat down, and looked out of the window without really seeing. Part of me wanted Pam to hold on for as long as she could, to postpone the inevitable, but part of me realised that it would be a mercy for her to go sooner, to avoid unnecessary pain and the inevitable increasing intrusiveness of the care she would need. Again I prayed that whatever happened, would be right.

***

It was a bright, warm morning as we stood in the churchyard. Somehow that felt wrong, it ought to have been cold, grey, raining, to match the occasion. The minister had finished reading the age-old words, so familiar that I had to make a conscious effort to think about what they meant. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in sure and certain hope."

I resolved to think more carefully about what it might mean about having hope; in what? Or who?

But now wasn't the time for that. Amy and Laura stood a little way away, respecting my need to be alone for the moment when I took a handful of earth and let it fall gently. Then I glanced up, deeply moved as I looked again at these two young women, standing close together to comfort one another, graceful, beautiful even in their restrained black funeral garments.

I walked over to them, and Amy turned her face towards me, dry-eyed but sombre. Then I saw her expression become one of surprise, as she looked past me, and I turned to follow her gaze.

A short way away from the other mourners stood a slim figure in a dark blue uniform, narrow medal ribbons across one lapel. My mind took in the familiar features without recognition at first, then I heard Laura's voice from behind me.

"Captain Sarah!" And at once the girls were rushing to her and she was gathering them in her arms.

I took a few steps, and stopped, not knowing what to do. Then Amy and Laura each put out a hand to pull me towards them, and I embraced all three, feeling an overwhelming sense of comfort.

"Sarah," I said. "We really appreciate that you're here. How did you know?"

"I'd kept my ears open for news of you," she said. "I didn't want to intrude, but every so often friends at head office would let me know how you were getting on. When I heard about Pam, I decided the least I could do was be here today. So I took a few days leave. I can stay and help out if you'd like."

"Thank you," I said simply. "Well, this part of it is over. Let's go back to the house."

We walked to the dark car in which we'd arrived, and the driver took us home, then left with a sympathetic nod.

I opened the front door, and stepped inside with a sense of reluctance but also of relief. At least it was over now.

Sarah took a deep breath. "I'll make some tea," she said.

I nodded. She walked down the passage to the kitchen, leaving me with Amy and Laura.

"I'm so glad Sarah's here," said Amy.

Laura nodded. "You'll ask her to stay a few days, won't you, Tim?"

"Of course," I said. "Anyway, I guess we should change out of these things, right?"

Amy and Laura went up the stairs to their flat to change, while I went into the kitchen to make sure Sarah was OK. The kettle was just boiling, and she poured water into the teapot. Then she sat down at the kitchen table and I joined her.

"It must have been really hard for you," she said.

"Yes," I said. "People always think they've got time, don't they."

She reached out and put her hand on mine, saying nothing.

The girls came back into the kitchen, now in jeans and t-shirts, their hair in simple ponytails. I could imagine they didn't feel much like dressing up or makeup today.

We sat and drank tea, and Sarah told us about what she'd been doing in India, some of the senior people she'd been ferrying around. She'd spent several more of her layovers at the wildlife sanctuary, and described some of the changes and developments there.

"You should really go again," she said. "There's more to see now; the vulture conservation centre has really been successful, and when it's breeding season the chicks are so cute!"

I smiled. "We'd love to, when things have settled down a little."

She nodded, her face serious again.

"Anyway," I said, "it's getting late, I think probably we're all tired." I hesitated. "Sarah, you'll be OK in the guest room, won't you?"

"Of course, that's fine," she said. "I'm here – we all are – for you, whatever you need."

I went upstairs to the master bedroom. Pam's personal things – nightwear, toiletries – had already gone, though her clothes were still in wardrobes and drawers. I got ready for bed, and pulled the covers over me, the bed feeling too large, too empty, too cold. But exhaustion from the emotion of the day, of all the preceding days, overtook me, and I slept.

***

The next day I woke up with the sunlight streaming in through the window. It promised to be another fine, warm day. I still had two weeks compassionate leave from work, and the girls had finished college for the year, so there was no pressure to do anything in particular. I made a mental note to ask Sarah how long she could stay.

There was a knock at the door, and I opened it. As if she knew I'd been thinking of her, Sarah was standing there, in a long nightdress that looked like it was made of Indian cotton.

"Thought I'd make sure you were OK, and see what you wanted for breakfast," she said with a warm smile.

"I'm fine," I said. "I slept surprisingly well, actually. I'll come down for breakfast – no point in retreating to my room like a wounded animal."

"Hmm, I see what you mean," she said. We walked along the landing and down the stairs. When we reached the kitchen, Amy and Laura were already there.

"We made bacon sandwiches," said Laura.

I grinned. "Even if I didn't feel much like eating, I would make an exception for your bacon sandwiches." I leaned over and kissed Laura on the cheek, then Amy.

"One for me?" said Sarah. I smiled, and turned to her, kissing her softly on her cheek.

We sat down to breakfast, and I felt almost guilty at the sense of wellbeing and normality when we'd finished bacon sandwiches and coffee.

"Is there anything you'd especially like to do today?" Amy asked me.

"What I'd really like," I said, "is for us to sit in the garden, that secluded area outside Laura's studio, and talk. I'd like us to remember everything, all the good things – to look at the paintings Laura did for her exhibitions along the way. Then when we've remembered, I'd like us to talk about what each of us hopes for, dreams of, next."

Amy nodded. "Laura and I will wash up, and you and Sarah can get dressed," she said.

Sarah went upstairs to the guest room, and I went back to my room and showered in the en-suite. When I came down, the kitchen was tidied, and the girls had got a tray ready with juice and glasses to take out with us.

After a few minutes, Sarah reappeared, again in an Indian style of garment, a loose tunic and matching trousers, a flowing scarf draped around her neck in traditional fashion.

"I've become really fond of dressing this way when I'm off duty out there," she explained. "It's cooler, for a start."

"You look lovely," I said truthfully. "I really like Western clothes, but sometimes it's nice to have a change from fashion that goes out of its way to show off everything."

Amy was whispering to Laura, and I glanced over.

"Just saying, perhaps we'll have to get saris," Laura smiled.

Sarah grinned. "Well, it won't be quite such a surprise now," she said, "but actually I did bring a few things for you. And for Tim."

"Wow," I said. "That's something to look forward to later. Now, shall we get out into the sunshine?"

We walked out to the garden, Amy carrying the tray, and sat down on the lawn outside the studio.

"Where shall we start?" asked Amy.

"Why not at the beginning," I said. "Sarah doesn't know some of our story." I remembered how the girls had confided in Sarah when we'd first visited the wildlife sanctuary, and what that had led to.

I began to recount the events that had started with the Christmas visit that Pam and I had made to Caroline's. As I talked, Sarah listened intently.

"Gosh," she said when I paused for a moment. "That's quite a set of events. You sound like you enjoyed yourselves. That really fills in for me what led up to the point where I came in."

"And we're very glad you did, Captain Sarah," smiled Amy.

I continued my account, and got to the day when we'd finally known that Pam's illness could only have one outcome.

Sarah reached out a hand to mine. "I'm glad I met her."

She paused. "Tim, I want to say two things. First of all, none of us will ever see ourselves as trying to take her place, whatever happens. And secondly, don't ever feel reluctant to talk about her, whenever you need to."

She blinked, and reached up a hand to brush her eyes.

"Now," she said, "What about the future?"

I nodded, and took a deep breath. "Well... I'll go back to work, of course. Apart from that – well, girls, perhaps you'd better start."

Amy said, "We still have some time at college." She turned to Laura, who nodded. "We don't feel any urgency to have a place of our own, if you're happy for us to stay in the flat."

"Of course," I said. "Never, ever, think I'd want you to go until you were ready for more independence."

Amy turned to Sarah. "So that's us. What about you, Captain Sarah?"

For the first time ever since I'd known her, I saw uncertainty in Sarah's eyes.

"I have two weeks off," she said. "Things are changing over there, the company is rethinking the way it does business in India. I'm sure there's a role for me still, but it might be time for me to think about a change."

"Well," I said, "we definitely want you to stay with us while you're over here. I'd really appreciate help with some things –" Sarah nodded, understanding what I meant – "and we can all go out, go to some of the places we know. We can all have time to think."

I glanced at my watch. "It's getting on for lunchtime. Why don't I take you down to that Italian place in town? We can get a few things on the way back and cook something tonight."

Laura took the tray back in, and I picked up my jacket. Then I fetched the car from the garage, and the girls got in the back while Sarah took the passenger seat. I set off down the drive, then out of the gates onto the road that led back into town.