An Unknown Letter to My HusbandbyAlexis661©
My Dearest Husband,
Its been ten years since we met. Almost three as husband and wife. Although these days I don't feel as if I am a wife.
Each day a new problem, something else that I cant seem to get right or do "your way." Each day I fight the urge to run, screaming from this house. Each morning I wake up wondering if I will make it through the day.
Its been ten years since we met. We were both 16 - young, ambitious and seemingly in love. Everyone said, "It will never last," and "You don't know what love is," or "You're too young to be in such a deep relationship." We knew they were all wrong.
So, after a progressive relationship - first apartment, first house, marriage - here we are, ten years later.
Sure, we've had ups and downs - lately, mostly downs. It doesn't seem that one day can go by without arguing. These days it seems I fight back more, just to have my voice heard. But in the end, it doesn't really mater what I say. It's still you who can scream louder.
Maybe its my fault. Maybe, when we met, I was so wrapped up in the idea of you, of our relationship, our love, that I let myself be absorbed by you. You took me over, and I was happy to let that happen. Now, as I try to get my life back, have it belong to me, you wont let go.
I feel my spirit breaking. These days I don't really care about anything. I don't care what color the furniture is or why type of new refrigerator you want to get. We disagree on everything, yet in the end, its all your choice anyway. These days I'd rather be alone than spend time with you. I worry about what you might say if I haven't done the dishes or didn't cook. Not that I was ever Suzie Homemaker to begin with, but you seem to think you can convert me.
I feel as if I am not important. My job, my school, my hobbies, my friends. Yet, I moved with you halfway across the country for your job, the new house is 50 miles from school, you hate everything I am into and you think all my friends are whores or sluts. So where does that leave me?
And yes, I was fine with the move. I though it would be a new beginning, a new start. In a way it is that, in others, I feel as if its only solidifying everything that I have become. You tell me that if I didn't want to move that we wouldn't have. But in the end, I feel as if I would have been blamed from keeping you from advancing in your career. I feel that I would have been blamed somewhere along the line.
I question myself everyday - do I love you, or don't I? Am I here because I love you or because I am just not strong enough to leave? But I cant be weak - I've never been. Could I simply be comfortable and have learned to let it all roll off my back? Has my tolerance for bullshit gotten higher?
Outsiders looking in see perfection. Ten years, married, house, charming, cute, confident, outgoing. I feel like I put on a mask every time we go out with friends or family. Smile, laugh, kiss, touch. Inside I squirm.
When I try to talk to you about my feelings, my thoughts, I feel as if you are laughing. Telling me to grow up and behave like a wife. If I only did what you asked, you say, there'd never be a problem. I want to scream that I'm not the problem.
My counter measure to your pressure, your demands, your ways of how I should "behave" is to defy you at every chance I get. I go out all the time to clubs with my friends, meet my family for dinner, join another charity or group to participate in. I do it to piss you off most of the time. Waiting for the day when you can let go and stop suffocating me. I think if you were to learn if you stopped pushing I might not push back so hard.
You tell me, "I am more patient than most husbands would be - letting their wife go out with their slutty friends to clubs and bars." I tell you its not your choice to make who I hang out with or where I go. You tell me, "You should respect my wishes and not hang out with that girl - she's bad news." You think that by me not hanging out with her that it would keep me from somehow becoming "corrupted" or being like her. You seem to think that when I go out I am going to pick up some guy and go home with him and that because my friends might do this, it automatically makes me like them.
Yes, when I go out, I get hit on - a lot. A lot more than you think because I am afraid that at the slightest mention of another guy showing interest in me would send you into another fit. Yes, I am flirty, I am talkative and I am fun. People are drawn to me, particularly men. The difference between me and my friends is that I am MARRIED and I know better. They are SINGLE and can do whatever they want to. I'm not their mother, only their friend. And I will always be their friend. But the point is, I am honest with my status as a wife, and even though you seem to disbelieve it, every man has respected that.
I will admit, I love the attention. I love the fact that a complete stranger enjoys my company and listens to what I have to say. I love the fact that a stranger has more in common with me than you do. I love it when they tell me I'm smart, beautiful, exciting. I love it even more when they tell me, "You're husband is very lucky man." Although I wonder how lucky I am?
However, you tell me these things too. You tell me I have a great ass, nice tits, beautiful eyes. You tell me that you love me, and I know that it is true. But I wonder sometimes if you love me because you truly can not live without me, or if its for the fact that I seem, in the end, to do whatever you want me to anyway?
I started going out with my "slutty" girlfriends to the bar once a week for line dancing and drinks. I had a total blast and started going every week. The more I went, the more confidence I seemed to build. I got attention from everyone because of who I hung out with and who I was and who I became. I became the person everyone else there wanted to be. I was queen.
I knew all the bouncers, all the bartenders, all the regulars. I was the unattainable. I was wanted but couldn't be had. People respected me. I think you hated that. Hated that my friends might becoming more important that you. On certain occasions that was true. You'd throw a fit if I went out and you were home or couldn't find anything to do. You tried to make me feel guilty those times, telling me that you just wanted to spend time with me. I think you would rather do anything else than have me hang out with them.
My dearest husband, I am not sure where this letter should end up or where it was going in the beginning. I just hope that I can get through this and try and have this work. I am not a failure and I don't want to give up. I fell in love with you and married you for a reason. Its just that now I have forgotten why. I want to get that feeling back.
Love, Your Wife