tagReviews & EssaysAncient Sex & the Bible

Ancient Sex & the Bible

byNaughtyMike©

Edited by Pantera Bonita

* * * * *

The Bible makes all kinds of sexual references. These references are vague and glossed over in idioms and translated out of the text. Because of this no holds barred fucking format, I am able to factually relate these terms in basic crude English.

NOAH
Chapter 9 of Genesis has an awkward scene involving a drunken Noah whose nakedness is seen by his son, Ham. Ham's brothers cover their father. Noah awakens, and sees what Ham had done to him and curses his descendants.

Okay, what the fuck is this all about? Canaan gets cursed because his father, Ham has seen the old man's willy? Not hardly, - that would make going to the bathroom a ritual. It was something the kid had done to Noah. But what? The experts agree there was some kind of sexual impropriety, but never go beyond speculation.

In reality what had happened was Noah got castrated. This story is similar to the story of Cronus castrated by Uranus or in the Hittite myth where Anu's genitals were bitten off by his laughing son Kumarbi. This aspect could not be mentioned because guys with no nuts in the Old Testament don't go to heaven. Jesus would later change that in Matthew 19:12 where he tells his followers to castrate themselves and follow him, or to make yourself as a eunuch. This is what many of them did when they read that passage.

The story of Ham cutting off his dad's weenie with a stout cord has made for an unkindly curse for a Hebrew Midrash: "Since you have disabled me from doing ugly things in the blackness of the night, Canaan's children shall be ugly and black! Moreover, because you twisted your head around to see my nakedness, your grandchildren's hair shall be twisted into kinks, and their eyes red; again, because your lips jested at my misfortune, theirs shall swell; and because you neglected my nakedness, they shall go naked, and their male members shall be shamefully elongated". I am not sure what the curse value is of that last part. So now you know the rest of the story.

ABRAHAM
In the Old Testament (Gen 24:9) an oath was given by "placing his hand under the thigh". UNDER the thigh? The Hebrew word in this case is "Yarek" which means shaft, loin, regenerative parts. That would be the dick, cock, penis, nutsack in our language. The Latin translation is "testis" or testicle. The words "testify" and "testament" comes from the fact that when a man swore an oath, he did so by placing his hand on another man's nuts. Today we use a Bible. Go figure. So if you ever had to laugh like Bevis and Butthead when someone said the word "testament" you would have been the genius in the crowd for correctly relating it to the testicles.

CHRISTIAN FISH SYMBOL

This was a pagan symbol stolen by Christianity. The symbol is a bit of a gag. If you invert it at a ninety degree angle, you have the Pisces of Venus. It is a pussy, vagina, gash, slit, cunt, etc. that was turned ninety degrees to make a fish. On Friday, it was a tradition to eat fish in honor of the goddess Venus, and then everyone would make love. For some strange fucking reason, our ancestors thought pussy smelled like fish. The old punch line to the joke, "Eve, don't go in the water, or you'll make all the fish smell like pussy", I would bet was being told long before Jesus. The church also took over this ancient custom on their own and tried to give the credit to that Jesus guy. Seems the custom of getting laid at least once a week, was not going to go away. Fish was considered an aphrodisiac.

The problem of this custom came when it was Friday the 13th. For some lunar cycle reason the number 13 was associated with menstruation as it was the number of months in the Menstrual Calendar. It was taboo to make love while the woman was on the rag. On Friday 13th a dilemma occurred. You could insult the goddess, by not making love, or violate a taboo and make love. Either way there was going to be some god/ goddess pissed off at you. Hence, it was an unlucky day.

Friday was named for the Freya, the Venus of the Germanic tribes. She was also known as "Frigga" from which we get the slang word "frig" for sex, or most commonly used to described female masturbation. "Fuck" is not Fornication Under Control of the King as some would believe, but comes from "fukka" of Scandinavian origin. I would suppose it is also connected to Frigga. Remember Friday-named for sex, meant for sex.




CUNT

The word cunt was taken from the oriental goddess Cunti or Kunda. The root word "Kin" was meant to trace a woman's maternal bloodline only. It also means cleft or vaginal opening. In ancient writings the word "cunt" meant the same as "woman", although it was not meant to be insulting. Places where witches worshipped were called "devilish cunts." The Gaelic referred to these places as "bearded wells". "Cunt" is not a slang word. It is woman in her highest form.

SAINT VALENTINE

The story of the imprisonment of St. Valentine is false. The real St. Valentine was a Gnostic man named Valentinus. He was the most influential man on early Christianity you will never hear about.

Valentine's Day was the Roman celebration of Lupercalia. On the evening of the 14th of February couples would imitate the 15 pairs of aeons who would make wild passionate love. Names were written down and lots were drawn to see whose wife you would be banging that evening. It was a huge wife swapping party. The name of you fuck partner, whom you drew was your "valentine." Again another celebration the church couldn't get rid of because of our horny ancestors. So the changed it to their doctrine and needs.


SAINT PATRICK

That's another guy that never existed. His life was forged in the 9th and 10th century like so many other saints. St. Patrick or Peter was the god slain on the Ides of March, known as Liber Pater, or Mars Pater. His Roman celebration on March 17th consisted of bringing out a gigantic phallus or big ass dick and parading it down Main Street. There would be a garland on the dick, representing the divine pussy. Patrick and Peter are interchangeable names. Peter is associated with the penis and is also nicknamed the rock. The rock of God was considered his phallus. When Jesus said that Peter would be the Rock on which he would build his church, this was meant as sexual humor by the authors of the New Testament. Rock of Ages refers to the dick of God. I love it when little old ladies sing the song. It is the Irish who should be asking the Homos if they could march in their parade.

ORAL SEX

Body fluids were possessed by spirits. Spit had evil spirits in it. That is why it was a curse to spit on someone and people killed for it. Sperm however, was considered sacred. It contained the pure essence of God. Eating Sperm became very popular in some early Christian sects as a way to get closer to God. Menstrual blood was added to that list of sacred fluids. Casual sex and nudity were a part of many church services as a "back to the garden" rite. Some sects practiced abortion.

The Levitici cult was strictly homosexual. (Many of Paul's teachings were propaganda, used to bash fellow Christian sects, so he could build his own church.)

The Borborians would eat sperm and bitch blood as the Body and blood of Christ; Quoting Prov. 5:15, Exod. 12:7, Josh. 12:8 and Rev 22:2 to justify their habits.

Some sects had free sex, some practiced bestiality, and some had sex with children. There was even a masturbation cult based on the teachings of Paul (Acts 20:24). Paul was equated to Hermes in Acts 14:12, who was also the god of masturbation. Masturbation was not done for self gratification, but was done to clear the mind for meditation. If I keep telling myself that long enough…

There are many more sexual references in the Bible. I just mentioned some interesting facts you don't normally read about because our society has no desire for truth. "Bible Bloopers: Evidence that Demands a Verdict Too!" published by the Atlanta Freethought Society and HarperCollins' "The Woman's Encyclopedia of Myths and Secrets" are recommended further reading on the above topics.

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