Approaching Certainty

It was almost eleven and I was still lazing around in bed. Days like this made me especially thankful for Saturdays. Heather, my eighteen year old little sister, must have woken up long before I did since she was nowhere to be seen. She didn't tend to have the same trouble sleeping that I experienced.

As sisters growing up with parents who were all too often not around, we grew closer than perhaps other siblings did. Many of my friends complained about their younger brother or sister and how annoying they could be, but I never felt that way about Heather. Then again, she was a somewhat quiet girl and she respected my space so maybe that was all it took.

Back when we were just kids Heather would sometimes have bad dreams or get lonely at night. I can't remember when but at some point it stopped being mom she ran to, and instead she started coming to my room. I tried to be a good big sister and do my best to help her when she needed it, even if I didn't understand at the time why she came to me.

It was never all that frequent, but every now and then after I was in bed she would carefully open my door and stand there silently until I said it was okay to come in. I don't remember her ever waking me up so it could be she was simply checking to see if I was already asleep. Sometimes, in particular if she had a nightmare, we would stay up talking for a while, but mostly she just snuggled up to me and we eventually drifted off to sleep.

I always assumed she would grow out of it but even now, just a few months shy of her nineteenth birthday, she still slept with me every now and then. Lately it seemed to be happening more frequently than usual but it was probably just my imagination.

The problem was that whatever reason Heather had for continuing to visit me at night, many other things about her had changed. It was a rather large shock to me when I first realized that I had feelings for my sister. Not in a sisterly sense either, but legitimately as another human being to whom I happened to be particularly close.

It was much like discovering I was attracted to one of my friends and constantly being afraid of losing them, only worse. Not only would the potential fallout be even harder on those affected but our relationship was also incredibly unlikely to develop into anything more than it already was, however much part of me might hope otherwise. All I could do was try to appreciate what I had even if doing so led to aggravating obsession at times. The small movements as she breathed or the feeling of her bare legs against mine became fascinating to me to the point where they could easily keep me up for hours.

All of which led my current state of still lying in bed tired even after having slept in as long as I did. The fact that her visits were rare was the only thing that allowed me to keep a mostly normal sleeping schedule.

I eventually did manage to drag myself out of bed and head downstairs. The window in the kitchen looked out onto the driveway allowing me to note the absence of either parent's car. Heather and I would have the house to ourselves, assuming she hadn't gone somewhere as well.

Picking up the faint sound of the television, I wandered farther through the house to the living room. It could have simply been left on by someone, but as I secretly hoped I found my sister sitting on the couch focused on painting her toenails. I could tell right away that she was using more than one colour on each nail, a sure sign that she was bored.

"Morning," she chirped.

"Hey," I answered back less cheerfully, still not fully awake. "Busy day I see."

"Not really," she responded, picking up on my sarcasm but not acknowledging it. "I'm going out with some friends later on, probably be out late. Nothing happening right now though."

"Good to know," I said, lacking anything more to add.

I was starting to get hungry and tried to decide what I wanted for breakfast. Or maybe I would just skip to lunch since it was closer.

"Can I ask you something?" Heather asked suddenly.

"Uh, yeah sure. What's up?"

It had to be something fairly important to her or she would have just asked. That and the fact that she was still staring down at her toes instead of looking at me suggested that it was something she had to work herself up to.

"Were you ever... I mean was there ever a girl you were..." she blurted, stumbling over her words. "Was there ever one you thought you liked?" she finished.

"Yes," I answered simply. "I think a lot of people have at least been curious about stuff like that."

I refrained from telling her that she was one of the girls I had thought about.

"But how do you know?" she persisted. "What if you're not sure?"

"It's not such a big deal these days, mostly. You could always just find someone to try things with. See if you like it or not. I think if you're really into someone you'll probably just know. It's not always a matter of liking one gender and only that gender."

Heather looked thoughtful for a moment then finally lifted her head to meet my gaze.

"So have you, like, kissed a girl before?" she asked tentatively.

"Yeah," I said, nodding my head.

"What was it like? Was it the same as with a guy?"

"No, not really. I mean the basics are pretty much the same, but it's still different. Kind of like different flavours of ice cream," I added, hitting an analogy that seemed to work. "It's probably different with every person too, but from what little experience I have I would say that girls tend to focus more on the kiss. Guys usually seem more interested in what comes after that, although not necessarily on a conscious level."

My sister slowly nodded as she processed what I said as though it made sense to her. I hoped it wasn't completely wrong but, as I told her, I hadn't really been with very many people, let alone very many girls.

"Yeah, that makes sense," she said. "I was hoping for a simpler answer, but I should have known better. I guess I'll just have to wait for an opportunity sometime."

"You could try it now, if you want," I heard myself say.

I couldn't believe I had actually suggested it, the words seemed to come out before I had a chance to think about them. I waited nervously to see Heather's reaction hoping wildly that she wouldn't think it was too weird.

"You mean with you?" she asked, her eyes widening to an almost comical extent as she realized what I was offering.

"Only if you want to," I said. "Just thought it might help."

She hadn't immediately dismissed the idea which gave me some hope. Even if she said no the fact that she hadn't reacted negatively outright meant that my imagined worst case scenarios were fairly unlikely to occur.

"I think maybe... maybe it would be good, just to try," she said, blushing noticeably.

She sounded as nervous as I felt, which at least meant we were in similar mental territory. I shifted closer to her on the couch until our legs were touching.

"Relax," I said, as much to reassure myself as my sister. "It's not going to hurt."

My heart was pounding so hard in my chest I almost worried that Heather could hear it. I couldn't believe that she actually said yes.

Part of me was protesting, telling me that I was taking advantage of the situation for my own benefit. The rest of me quickly overruled the voice of dissent, rationalizing like a professional. I wasn't forcing my sister to do anything, I simply made the offer and she accepted. Besides, it would be a one time thing, after this there was no reason to think it would ever happen again.

"Okay, I'm ready," Heather said after taking a few deep breaths.

She still looked nervous, but defiant too as though she wasn't going to let even her own doubts stop her. I leaned in slowly and, after a small hesitation, she matched my movement.

When our lips met it was like a shock to my system wiping out all other feelings. My sleepiness was replaced by a weird, excited energy and my hunger was completely forgotten. The forbidden desire I held for so long was finally being realized. All those time lying together in my bed when I imagined situations like this but held myself back because of my sense of sisterly responsibility, and now it was actually happening. I held the kiss for several seconds before pulling away. The last thing I wanted to do was be too insistent and scare her off.

Heather's eyes were partially closed and as I watched she reached up to brush her lips softly with her fingertips where my mouth had been. What looked like a hint of a smile appeared on her face which I took as good sign.

"How was that?" I asked.

"Good," she answered quickly. "But it was kinda short."

I held myself back as best I could from grinning like an idiot as my sister told me exactly what I wanted to hear. The way she was responding I didn't feel as though I had to hold back so much and as I kissed her for the second time I put a little more force into it, a little more passion. In return she made a low sound of pleasure deep in her throat confirming that she was enjoying herself.

Since Heather was reacting so positively so far I decided to push a little to see far she would let me go. I stuck my tongue out to where our mouths met and delicately traced the curve of her bottom lip with the tip. At my touch her lips parted slightly seemingly of their own volition allowing me better access. For the moment I didn't let my tongue venture any farther, but I felt certain she would be okay with it if I did.

Finally running out of air I had to break off once again. Heather looked disappointed even though she was panting just as hard as I was. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes had a glazed look to them; she seemed to be getting into it as much as I was if not more. We sat watching each other for a few minutes until our breathing had calmed down to the point where we weren't in danger of suffocating in the middle of the living room.

In a surprisingly aggressive move considering her behaviour so far Heather climbed into my lap and straddled my legs facing me, leaving us even closer to each other than before. Her hands went to my waist, helping to hold herself steady, as her eyes searched mine for any hint of disapproval.

"Still okay?" I asked despite the obviousness of the answer.

She nodded affirmatively and moved her head mere inches from mine where she held it waiting, apparently still unready to fully take the lead. I snaked my arms around her back, reveling in the feeling of holding her so close to me. Not that we didn't get pretty close when we slept together, but that had always been strictly platonic. What we were doing now was overtly sexual and the differences were so very, very important to me.

I gradually lost any sense of time as I focused solely on my sister's body, naturally paying particular attention to her lips as we kissed. We had moved well past the point of innocent experimentation and I'm sure Heather knew that as well as I did even if neither of us vocally admitted it.

I grew bolder as long minutes passed, slowly but constantly taking it further, seeing how much I could get away with. My tongue probed farther into Heather's accepting mouth until it reached its limit; my hands ran freely over her back, then slipped under her shirt to her warm bare skin. Eventually I brought one hand around to her front and caressed the soft curve of her tummy. In the back of my mind I suspected that I was really pushing my luck, but I couldn't bring myself to stop.

If I wasn't already breathing heavily, I would have drawn a sharp breath as my fingers brushed the very bottom edge of her bra. She had to be able to feel where my hand was yet she gave no more indication of it than when my hand had still been on her back. Only when my palm finally cupped her breast did she show any sign of acknowledging it. We sat staring at each other for a moment before she looked down at her shirt, misshapen with my knuckles poking out against the material. She didn't say anything but I sensed I had pushed things as far as they would go. Sliding my fingers longingly against the curve of her breast so as to maintain contact for as long as possible, I removed my arm from her chest and lowered it to rest on her leg.

"Sorry, that was probably a bit much," I apologized.

"No, it's okay," she responded with a shake of her head. "I was really getting into it too. It's just, maybe that's enough for now."

Heather climbed off me and stretched as she stood up. Her shirt pulled up a bit to reveal part of her tummy as she did, and despite everything that just happened I couldn't help catching a quick glimpse of her exposed skin.

"I'm gonna go get ready to go," she said.

I recalled somewhere in the back of my mind that she said she was going out for a while. It seemed like days since she told me, though it had obviously been nowhere near that long.

My initial reaction was to ask her not to go, but I vetoed it immediately. Giving her some space at that point would be better in the long run and it would give me time to calm down as well. I had let myself get too out of control and I would need to restrain myself better in the future.

****

I had the house completely to myself for the afternoon and I fully intended to take advantage of it. As soon as Heather left I was in my room masturbating furiously, the recent images and sensations of my little sister still fresh in my head. A couple orgasms later and I began to feel a little more normal, my residual horniness down to at least manageable levels.

My earlier hunger had returned with a vengeance and eventually forced me out of my room. I noted on my way out that if Heather had returned because she forgot something she could easily have caught me since I left my door open and her room was farther down the hall than mine. As much as I would be okay with that, it was also another reminder that I had to be more careful not to freak her out. Usually I was better about locking my door when I needed 'alone time'.

I grabbed a quick sandwich to satisfy my current most pressing need, then hopped in the shower. With the mood I was in I was unable to resist getting off again with some assistance from the shower head, and I emerged from the bathroom feeling much calmer than I had since I first woke up.

Having no idea when my parents would be back, and not really being sure how long Heather would be gone either, I did take the time to get properly dressed before spending a few hours not doing much of anything. At first I tried to distract myself from my thoughts by wandering around the house and trying to settle into something. When neither my computer nor the tv managed to capture my attention and I couldn't muster enough enthusiasm to go swimming in the back yard pool, I decided maybe being somewhere else would help.

A handful of phone calls later, and an identical number of friends who were either already had plans or wouldn't answer their phone, and I was ready to give up. I retreated to my room and started some music playing on my computer before flopping down on my bed. Being alone at least meant I could play my music as loud as I wanted without getting any complaints and I took advantage of it.

After settling in I closed my eyes and let my mind wander since it seemed intent on doing so anyway. My thoughts naturally focused somewhat on my sister, but gradually drifted onto other related subjects like my past relationships and how different I assumed my life would turn out to be when I was younger.

An indeterminate time later I heard a sound just barely loud enough to be heard above my music, like someone wanted my attention. Opening my eyes I found Heather standing awkwardly at the foot of my bed. I reached over and hit the button on my computer's speakers to turn them off, the sudden silence almost seemed unnatural for a moment until I adjusted.

"Thought you were going to be out later," I said.

"I was, I came home early," she replied.

I scooted over to give her room on the bed and she sat down beside me, pulling her hair back behind her ear and fidgeting with her skirt.

"Weren't having any fun?" I hazarded when she didn't elaborate.

"No, it was okay. But I just kept thinking about this morning and I decided I wanted to be here more," she stated.

"Really?"

"Yeah. I liked what we did, and I know you were just helping me but it seemed like you maybe liked it too. I mean maybe I'm wrong and I don't want to be annoying or anything but..." she trailed off.

"Trust me, you're far from annoying me," I reassured her, reaching out to take her hand in mine. "And you're right, I did like it."

She brightened up upon hearing my confirmation and seemed to lose some of her nervousness.

"I was more worried about your reaction," I continued. "I thought I might have freaked you out when I was feeling you up."

"You did kinda," she admitted. "But only 'cause it made me realize how much I was into it. I had a chance to think it over and I think I'm okay with it now."

"You sure?" I asked carefully. "Even though I'm your sister and everything?"

"I'm sure," she answered, sounding surprisingly confident about her decision. "I know this might sound weird but even when I first thought I might like girls it was because of you, even if I wouldn't admit it to myself. It just feels so good having you hold me as I fall asleep. Or when I wake up before you and I get to watch you sleep for a little while, I always liked that because you seem so happy and peaceful. Stuff like that."

Heather was blushing by the time she finished, embarrassed by her admission but wanting me to know at the same time. It seemed like her experiences when we shared a bed may not have been as disconnected as I originally thought, even if my thoughts had been more sexual than hers.

Still lying on my back I motioned for her to come over to me and after only a brief second of hesitation she slid closer and lay down. Instinctively her head came to rest on my shoulder and my arm wrapped around her waist, each of us seeking the closeness we had so often experienced in my bed. We lay there together for a long moment before I broke the silence.

"You might have guessed already, but I had feelings for you before today too," I said quietly. "You drove me crazy so many nights when I had to lie there with you right next to me, not being able to do any of the things I wanted."

"Sorry," she apologized with a small smile. "If it helps any you can do anything you want now."

"Anything?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Mm-hm. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I trust you. I'm pretty sure you won't take advantage of your little sister... too much."

There was a hint of teasing in her voice as she tried to hide her remaining nervousness from me. I was sure she meant what she was saying, but she still held that fear of the unknown that everybody seems to experience at times. I would just have to see if I could help get her mind off it.

I gently pushed Heather's shoulder to roll her onto her back and she complied unresistingly. After levering myself up to my hands and knees I decided to start with kissing her since I already knew she liked that. Already she seemed more comfortable with it and not nearly as passive as she had been earlier. Her tongue met mine almost as soon as my lips opened and I followed her lead, letting her take control when she wanted to.

"I want to take your shirt off," I told her after a few minutes.

Heather just nodded and sat up a little to help me pull it over her head. Our mouths had been separated for only a matter of seconds, but still it seemed too long and I was upon her again as soon as her shirt was out of the way. My hands now had nearly free reign over her upper body, her soft skin lay bare beneath me except for the one area I most wanted. Her bra had to go just as soon as I could tear myself away again long enough to deal with it.