Are Pirates Better than Ninjas?

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ChaseQ
ChaseQ
90 Followers

A question has been plaguing serious gamers and nerds for a long time: are ninjas better than pirates, or vice versa? In an attempt to put this question to rest once and for all, I will analyze the qualities of both ninjas and pirates, and compare those qualities. Of course, to accurately compare the two, clear categories must be made. For this we will use transportation, weaponry and clothing, wealth, and overall cool-factor with the ladies.

Whether you are on a beer run, secret mission, or getting your woman to your penthouse, transportation is ever important. Pirates, of course, use boats to get where they need to go.

The usual and stereotypical pirate ride is the galleon, a.k.a. pirate ship. It sports hardwood floors and walls, rope ladders, huge sails, and a really cool flag. As a bonus, it also features a stateroom, usually furnished with velvet and silk furniture, where you can take your lady friends. A nice sea breeze and an ocean view, the staterooms can lend itself to being a great scoring spot.

However, by the very nature of a boat, it is limited to water. This can hinder the pirate's action radius drastically, and often means that one must be limited to what can be found in port.

The secretive nature of the ninja makes it difficult to pin down exactly how they travel, but after serious research, they seem to be of the walking type. When they need to go any kind of distance, they hitchhike or stowaway. This can definitely cramp the style of the aspiring ninja and his ability to get the girl.

They have been known to employ horses from time to time, though always bareback. Chicks do dig horses though, so if the ninja plays his horse-card right, he might be able to score just on that account.

We can be in agreement that both pirates and ninjas are badasses, and all badasses must have sweet threads and cool weapons to back up his image. Pirates lag behind on this note. Only a few can get that Captain Morgan look, while most end up with a more raggedy appearance.

Do-rags are quite prevalent, as well as cut off pants-capri-shorts; some have even been seen to have a peg leg. To add to the already scruffy look, pirates usually have long, matted hair, and always have some sort of a beard.

Minus the peg leg, you could say that the pirate is almost white-trashy in appearance. Unless the pirate can effectively copy Captain Morgan, he certainly is not attractive.

In order to balance his sometimes less-than-desirable looks, any pirate worth his salt is well armed. Every pirate has at least a dagger or large knife, and usually a sword of some sort. The dagger lends itself well to throwing, while the sword allows him to put his swashbuckling skills to good use.

And of course, tucked into his waist band or pocket is a double barrel, single shot black powder pistol for those pesky adversaries that are too far for the knife.

One of the best known features of a ninja is his clothing. The ninja is dressed entirely in black, with only his eyes showing. After closer inspection, ninja suits have been found to be incredibly close to pajamas, just slightly tighter and covering the head. Ninjas are amazing martial artists who run around in pj's- that's awesome!

Of course, when you're storming a stronghold by yourself, the last thing you want to wear are tights that are chafing you, and god forbid a peg leg. Finishing off the cool pajama look are their shoes, which are more like slippers than anything. It works for Hef, so why not?

Sometimes there is that unfortunate moment when a roundhouse just won't reach that guy twenty feet away that is pulling out his gun, raising the alarm, and just generally acting threatening. This is where those impossible to throw, but oh-so-cool ninja stars come in really handy. On top of that, they can also carry katanas, nunchucks, and various exploding devices from smoke screens to bombs.

As if that weren't enough, they can make use of almost any object as a deadly weapon. And if that still wasn't enough, they can take on crowds of enemies in hand-to-hand combat and never get tired. Compared to pirates, ninjas pretty much take the cake on both style and deadliness; ninjas are even stylish while killing people.

Not to be outdone by some short Asian guy and his pj's, pirates strike back with shiploads of treasure chests. That ship will of course dock at the secret island and deposit that shipload into the massive cave on that island, along with a few hundred more shiploads already there.

The caves are never devoid of gold, fine china, and a girl's best friend, diamonds. There will always be rich people, so that means the pirate's supply of people to pillage will always be there. A pirate's lucky lady will most certainly be able to grace 5th Avenue until she decides to eternally shove off.

Ninjas don't fare too well in the treasure department. Not that they can't get it, it just isn't readily available. More than likely, a ninja will have to have a shopping list and do some midnight shopping- rappelling from a skylight.

As skilled as a ninja might be, lifting the right sized mink coat or trendy shoes, plus the outfit to go, could turn into a huge problem. On the one hand, he has to try to get everything right and get it out of the store, then he has to deal with his loving wife nagging him about getting the wrong size or not enough.

Taking all that has been said, plus the surrounding mythology into account, we have to decide on the overall cool factor of the pirate and ninja.

Pirates have an overbearing cool factor. They do what any guy wants to do: pillage en masse and get tons of money. Chicks dig a manly man, and pirates certainly fit the bill. Their only strike is their looks, but with all the money they've got, they can afford new clothes or plastic surgery- or just go the economical route and get a paper bag.

Due to their free-roaming nature, they may not want to settle down, so the natural choice would be to buy their night of fun- or just buy the whole bordello and have more fun than anyone could handle! Pirates are aloof, and rather than sneak in, break a neck, and hide in a hut, they blow things up and advertise who they are.

Ninjas have more than just amazing skill and cool pajamas going for them, such as the fact that they're Asian. Anyone who knows Asian guys know that they automatically know at least fifty hot Asian babes, and since they're ninjas, they probably have intimate, no strings attached relationships with every one of them.

Past that, ninjas lack. Rather than ninja for the fun of it, they're henchmen for whoever happens to be in power at the time.

In conclusion: Pirates score higher in the overall cool factor. Ninjas do have a coolness about them but their reclusive nature and 'obey the master' mentality exposes a flaw at the core of their nature. That means ninjas can only be as cool as their master who is usually a fat lazy emperor who gets all the chicks because he has kidnapped the hottest chicks around the countryside.

The verdict is in: pirates are better than ninjas.

ChaseQ
ChaseQ
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AnnOnymousFantasiaAnnOnymousFantasiaalmost 15 years ago
Fascinating

[...reader is still trying to figure out how she even found this article...]Good job. But aside from looks, I think ninjas score way, WAY higher in two other departments: hygiene and the likelihood of being sober while using deadly weapons, and as a "chick" and someone who enjoys safety, those do count. =D

AnonymousAnonymousover 17 years ago
Some things were missed but I have a question...

What would happen if we managed to breed a suave pirate captain with some hot ninja babe? True, a LOT of booze would be needed to bridge this huge cultural gap but I'd like to see the results in the interest of mad science. I theorize that the resulting offspring would be unstoppable but I also believe that no one would take them seriously.

Why? Well...Imagine that your a yakuza minding your own business with smuggling a shipment from Tortuga at a dock in Tokyo when suddenly there's a noise. You look up and are gutted by a polite-but-dirty-black-pajama-clad-parrot-toting-fuck-you-smell-like-some-one-crashed-a-boatload-of-rum-into-a-sake-warehouse ninja/pirate hybrid who is screaming "Hi-yah, Matey"! The last thought that passes through your mind as they twist the kutlass (katana/cutlass hybrid) would be "A pirate ninja? WTF? Who let that happen"?

I think that thier use as minions would be nothing short of amazing but I'd probably have to rely on something else for intimidation purposes (like a Hells Angel/Amazon Cannibal mix).

AnonymousAnonymousabout 18 years ago
Tch

You, sir, are a fool.

Not for your verdict but for simply making accessable your opinion. Now you have angered the ninja indirectly. It is well known that neither ninja nor pirates use the Internet, but they often kill those who do. As such, the ninja will eventually hear of this article.

You, my friend, have two possible chances for survival. Hire yourself a posse of pirates and hope they don't decide to rape or pillage you and/or your loved ones on a manly whim, or hang around with a samurai seeking to restore his honour and hope he doesn't betray you and kill you with a single, flashy move where your blood will explode forth shortly after the cut is made.

If you do not take careful preventative measures, one day you will turn around a corner and a message stuck on a knife will hit the wall in front of your nose. From there, it's only a matter of time before you are ninja'd.

I pray for your soul.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 18 years ago
Unimpeachable Non-Challengable Musings

Who in thier rite mind would challenge a pirate ship whereas gimmee an uzi and the ninja is toast.

Wonderful but fair analysis author - but -- but you forgot that ninja's never have those cool wanna cracker parrots - nor do they get to say ARRRRRHHH to everything!!

Thanks Again - With High Regard

ExogenousExogenousabout 18 years ago
Oh Yeah!

FUN essay! I like knights and cowboys, too, like Ardin Resolute. Especially because they ride horses and I'm nuts about equines. Ok...so could you do an essay regarding knights vs cowboys? Now THAT would be really interesting, as well!

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