Babysittin' Blues

"I finally talked her into getting a no-fault divorce with Sam and promised we would help her with money if she needed it later. We cooked up this stupid scheme that we would say the baby was mine. I didn't want you to know I had found out about you and Joanne. So I wrote that letter to you that I was pregnant. We did all the paperwork for me to adopt the baby at birth. We didn't need any papers for you since you were the birth father. Mom and dad know about this, of course. We told them everything and they agreed to support us."

"Everything would have worked out okay except Joanne died during childbirth. The baby was fine but Joanne started hemorrhaging. Before the doctors rushed me out of there, she told me to take care of her baby and that she was sorry. Then Sam!"

"He came by the hospital when he heard she had died. I was looking through the window at the baby and felt someone standing close beside me, his breath foul with whiskey. It was Sam. He said he was going to take the baby home with him. I panicked. We argued about it, finally having to go out to the parking lot, people were starting to stare at us. Finally he said I could keep the baby if I would sleep with him. I was horrified."

"Then, he started walking back towards the hospital. I was frantic. I hollered at him to come back, that I would do it. I asked him what I had to do. He said I had to let him have sex right then and once in the future. Toby, I'm so sorry. I was so confused ... I wanted that baby so bad. We had ... had sex in the back of his van. It was awful. He was so rough. I felt nothing but pain. It was over in five minutes. He just pulled up my skirt and pushed it in. I was completely dry. It was rape more than anything. He did, at least, use protection."

"He said if he could do it one more time I could have, as he put it, "That damn baby!" Since I had all the paperwork, the hospital released the baby to me. I sent you the telegram about our new daughter. I knew you liked the name Lucinda Anna so that's what I had on the birth certificate. I'd had to take over the financial stuff and I kept all the papers in a safety deposit box. I knew I would have to tell you eventually, certainly before Lucy started school, but I kept putting it off."

"Then, last month when I went back to visit the folks and let them spend some time with the baby Sam showed up one night. My mom and dad were out at a play so I was alone. He told me it was time to finish our agreement. I didn't want to but I was afraid that he would just rape me and I was also afraid for the baby. He can be very violent."

"We went upstairs and he told me to take off my clothes. I took off everything but my bra and panties and told him I couldn't do it without protection. He dug a rubber out of his pocket and told me to open it. I took the cover off while he pulled his pants down. I put the rubber on him and then I lost it. I started crying hysterically and said I couldn't do it. I told him I'd call the police and that you would kill him."

"He gave me a dirty look and I thought he was going to hit me. Then he started laughing and pulled his pants up, still with the rubber on. I guess he was pretty drunk. He said, "Shit! You were a lousy fuck anyway." and left, almost falling down the stairs. I never saw him again. I put the empty wrapper in the bag so my folks wouldn't see it. I forgot to take it out."

"I'm so sorry Toby. I know it's too much to forgive, but please don't kick me out. I love you so much and I can't live without my baby."

With this she became hysterical. It took me a long time to settle her down. I guess she had bottled everything up for so long that it was too much for her to handle. I held her for a long time – hours – until she calmed down.

I whispered in her ear, "I love you forever. I promise to love only you and to be faithful. I ask only your love in return."

I could hear the baby crying. She probably needed changing and that was my job.

Oh, by the way. About Sam? Well, I heard from a good friend of mine I met in Iraq that Sam used a wheel chair these days. Funny how life goes.

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