Back to Love

Most people are able to go on with their lives after a break-up, but I missed him. I was supposed to be happy and 'so over it'. But I lay in my bed, miserable, wondering what he's doing and whom he might be with. This was not my usual post-breakup attitude, but I'd never been in such a good relationship as I was. I'm usually on to the next guy at the next party, acting like I was never had a boyfriend in my life. But I reversed when it came to John.

I really loved that man, and I thought that he didn't love me back. So I ultimately decided to let him go. And oh, was he upset. I can remember the sadness that I had to endure upon him leaving, and it was more like me forcing him out. We had argued for about two hours, pretty much his argument being better than mine, but I stood my ground. I wasn't listening, just trying to push him out. The last thing that he said to me was, "I'm going to come back for you, whether you like it or not," before walking away. I haven't heard or seen from him since.

And now that I realized how wrong I was to let him go, there wasn't an immediate next party or a next guy. It was just the next day after day of lurching around trying to find reason to even step outside. Even though I ripped up a lot of pictures of him and I, I didn't get rid of them all. I found myself staring at them everyday, putting them in a secret drawer where no one would suspect that I would never be ready to let him go.

I managed to pull it together and start dating a guy named Lane. He was almost everything that John was, and I had to bite my tongue various times to prevent myself from starting the 'X-talk'. We slept together once, and it was a nice time, but I couldn't get John out of my head. Asking my friends for advice wasn't going to help. If I was going to let him out, mind and soul, I had to do it alone. But I didn't want to do that.

Preparing for my next date with Lane, I put on my little black dress. I remember I wore this when John and I first went out, and he loved it. In fact, he said that when I wore the dress that he'd never seen a woman so beautiful. I batted my eyelashes quickly, trying not to cry or I'd have streaked makeup on my face. Just as I finished up, I heard my cell phone go off. I scurried into the bedroom to pick it up.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's Lane."

"Oh, hey! Still coming by?"

"Unfortunately, no, I can't make it. Family emergency."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Well, have a good night, and I hope everything is okay."

"Thanks. Talk to you later."

"Bye."

"Bye." I said, hanging up. Well, my night was shot. I heard the doorbell ring and turned to look at it. Maybe it was a joke and Lane was really here. I went over to the door and opened it, my smile turning to an awkward stare when John appeared in my doorway.

"Oh...hi John..."

"Hey there, babe. Looking quite beautiful tonight...how did you know I was coming over?" he said, walking inside. I rolled my eyes and closed the door, pressing my back up against it. Watching him, he was wearing his usual, a t-shirt and jeans with sneakers. He never changed his short brown hair, and he wore the same cologne that I loved. He started to pace behind my chair.

"I didn't. I was waiting on my date, but he just called and said he couldn't make it."

"Oh, bummer...I've seen you two at Joe's Restaurant about a week ago. You seem to really like him." He said, seated on the couch and looking at me. I just got this awful feeling from what his eyes were saying to me, "You don't really like the guy". I moved to the lounge chair across from the couch and sat, kicking off my shoes and crossing my legs.

"Yeah...he's a wonderful guy. He's smart, he's funny, he makes me laugh...he's great." I said, smiling. He was giving me an unconvinced smirk, trying to read me. Knowing that John was very good at reading me, I was thinking to say anything that wouldn't come across as, 'Yeah, he's great...but he's not you.' "So, what really brings you here?"

"Just thought I would stop by and talk to you...I mean, we are friends, right?"

"Umm...yeah, we are. What did you need to talk to me about?" I said, a little nervous as I watched him get up.

"Well, I have a burning question. I've been thinking about it since I saw you two at that restaurant: have you fallen in love with the guy?"

"No I haven't...I can't fall in love that fast."

"That's interesting, because you told me on our first date that you fell in love with me faster than you thought you ever could. So you're not sure you can love the guy, but you can pretend and go on dating him?" he asked. My stomach started hurting. It was true what I said to him; I actually fell in love with John before our first date. And sure, Lane was cute and all, but John's right, I'm pretending. I really hated to be wrong at this point.

"Umm...love takes time..."

"Didn't take you much..."

"All guys are different..."

"So you think," he said. I stood up and faced him.

"Don't judge me! You think that because you show up and get in my face that you can change my mind about you?"

"I'm only doing it because I know that you've changed your mind about us. You changed your mind the moment I walked out."

"Yeah, and how did I do that?"

"The whole argument that we had was silly...you were making up reasons to break up with me...tearing up a few photos, the works. But you acted very well."

"I wasn't acting. I didn't make up anything!" I said. He grinned. Walking past me, he walked over to my desk and opened the drawer. "Hey, what-!" I said as he stopped fumbling through it and looked at me with a grin.

"Well, well, well Ms. Morris...you break up with me, tear up some pictures, and manage to tape one back together to keep. You really have moved on." He smugly said, accentuating the sarcasm and showing me the photo. It was a picture that a stranger took when John and I walked to the park. We found this one tree that had pretty flowers on it and it became our favorite tree. I remember his arms wrapping around me. He whispered that he loved me, I looked up at him, and we kissed...which became the picture in his hands right now. I put my head in my hands, tears coming from my eyes.

"John, please go...leave now!"

"Jakki, I'm not going anywhere until you start explaining just how much you've moved on. I need to know how you can pretend to love some other guy and then come home and stare at pictures of us!" He said. Looking up at him, he looked a little angry. I felt so bad for making him feel as miserable as I felt. Getting that overwhelming tightness in my throat, I needed to get out of there.

I ran to the door, and ripped it open, gasping for air as I took off running down the hall. I could hear his footsteps behind me, catching up to me and turning me around, pressing me against the wall. With his hands clutching my arms, I could feel the tension, my body shaking.

"Is he better than me?" he asked sternly, breathing hard. I was frozen.

"He, he's...I think..."

"IS HE? ANSWER ME!" he yelled, holding my arms tighter and pressing me more against the wall. I finally had my breaking point.

"NO! NO JOHN, HE'S NOT!" I yelled back. In a sort of relieved fashion, he picked me up in his arms and kissed me passionately, holding me snugly against his body. I held his face in my hands, kissing him back. I missed the feel of his lips, tears still falling from my eyes. He stopped, looking at me.

"Come back to me, Jakkilynn. Come back to love. I want you back." He said, tears in his beautiful blue eyes.

"I love you and I want you back too, John. I'll never let you go again." I said, wiping the tears from his eyes and kissing him. Almost instantly, I felt like all the weight on my shoulders had fallen off and I'd been given a second chance at happiness.

He walked back down the hallway to the apartment with me in his arms, closing the door and locking it. He carried me into the moonlit bedroom, setting me down on my feet and turning my back to him. He took in the scent of my hair, kissing down my neck and pushing the straps of my dress down. As the rest of the dress came down, his hands caressed all over my skin. Moaning softly, I bit my lip, loving the sound of his deep, arousing breaths and missing the feel of his rough touch more than anything. My bra fell off of my shoulders, his fingertips gently rubbing my hardened nipples. I loved when he would go slow, driving me crazy; it made the outcome of the sex fabulous.

My panties slowly slid down my thighs and eventually made it to the floor. I kicked them aside and turned around, his hands lifting me onto the table. Kissing him, I slowly ran my hands up his shirt, feeling up his strong, muscular abs and chest. I took off his shirt, looking at his sexy body that I loved to touch.

I kissed his neck, my hands starting at his shoulders. I captured every detail as I once had, my fingers dancing down from his biceps to his wrists. I then went for his belt, unbuckling and then unbuttoning his jeans. We pushed his jeans and boxers down, his erection bobbing up to present its arousal. He kicked off the rest of his clothes, lying me down on the table.

As I'd done plenty of times before, I held on to the edges of the table as he pushed deep inside, my moan very loud. Slowly he rocked, moving the table with his ministrations, making my body pulse all over. He then lifted me up, carrying me over to the bed. My head rested on the pillow as the sheets came over us, our mouths lip-locked once more. My legs and arms wrapped around him, moaning and gasping as I felt him enter me. He pulled back, pushing amazingly slow and deep. I shuddered, my hands running through his hair.

"Ohh, John...make love to me, baby..." I moaned, my body no longer able to fight it's need for him. He picked up the pace a bit, going faster and deeper, licking and sucking on my neck. I put my arms above my head, his hands pressed against mine as he went harder, making the bed start to squeak. Pretty soon, I myself started to squeak.

He turned over on his back, letting me take control on top of him. He liked doing this, just to watch my facial expressions. My hips began to move up and down, finding that one spot and staying in that rhythm. His hands were all over my body, pinching and groping, caressing and stroking. I started to sit straight up, his hands now guiding my hips to delight, my gasps now more incessant.

"Mmm...come on Jakki...come to me," he groaned, his fingers rubbing my inner thighs. I came really close when his thumb grazed over my clit, bucking to his finger rubbing that nub in slow, tantalizing circles.

"Ahh...oh John...don't stop!" I moaned out, running my hands through my hair, going down to breasts and pinching the nipples. He was still rubbing down below, and I was about to lose it. He started with low moans, trying to hold off for me like he always did. And just like that, I felt all the energy in my stomach shoot straight to my core like lightning.

"Shit! Ahhh..." I screamed and gasped, pressing my hands against his shoulders, riding him wildly to the tune of my orgasm. I felt my body take over, my mind blinded by millions of psychedelic color patterns in my eyes and my brain jumping out of circuit. The sound of his throaty, yet silky grunts became distorted in my ear, as it were if one was high, feeling his hot essence fill within me. I regained my senses, deep breaths calming my pounding heart. We kissed, moving into a more comfortable position. His hand caressing my back, my head on his chest, our bodies as one...it was back to love again.