Bang, Bang, Out Went the Lights

My marriage limped along for about four months like a three legged dog trying to chase a Ferrari, before we both mutually gave up.

I was consumed with anger for her adultery and guilt for my reaction. She had all kinds of emotions. I came home from a hunt to find her gone, with a note on the kitchen table.

"Sammy,

I'm sorry. I can't live like this anymore. Even if you still love me, you'll never trust me again. And I hope I'm wrong, but I have the feeling you're the one that shot us.

I called my old company in Oregon, and they have a position for me. I took it, and was on a plane two hours after you left. I took just what I needed, and my mom will come over in a week or two to get anything I left that you don't want.

I know I should have told you in person, but I'm a coward. I'm sorry again. I should have been what you wanted, but I'm not, at least not anymore.

I will always love you. I wish you a good life.

Jen"

I stood there looking at the note, and while I felt great sadness, a large part of me felt relief. Our marriage had ended when I caught them and pulled the trigger.

She had called Sarah before she left. She was there in two hours. She read the note, hugged me, and sent me to bed for a nap.

She stayed three days before I convinced her I could handle it. I found her talking on her phone a lot when she thought I couldn't hear her. I asked her about it.

Her face lit up.

"You've had problems so I didn't say anything. I'm engaged! We've been seeing each other for about six months. He was like me, and we both decided it was time to grow up. We're going to Vegas next month, he's always had a fantasy of getting married by Elvis."

I hugged her.

"That's great Sarah. What the hell are you doing here? Go home to your man. Tell him I said how lucky he was. And remind him if he's mean to you, I have an extensive gun collection."

She giggled.

"I will! Half the neighborhood thinks you shot Jenny and asshole anyway. Might just keep him in line."

The old group had a party to wish her well and meet her guy. It was held at my house. I didn't like him, but that didn't mean anything.

I got another promotion, but I had to move to take it. I didn't mind, there wasn't really anything holding me here.

My new job was actually a little closer to my dad's place, just on the other side. I still went once a month to the trials, just to have something to do.

My dad passed away the next year. Jimmy and Jerry took over the kennels, they liked it more than I did. Jerry moved into the house.

The farm was split three ways, and I ended up with the piece I wanted. Sixteen acres, mostly wooded, part of it going up the side of a mountain. I cut a road to a small bench, and built a small log cabin. By small I meant about seven hundred square feet. It was mostly a kitchen, living room, small bath ground floor, and a small bedroom up top. It was all the space I needed. I did almost all the work with help from my family, paying for the electricians and roofers.

I dated, but never got into anything serious, too afraid of my temper. I went to a visit my old friends occasionally, and loaned out the cabin a few times. I heard Jenny got married, and had two kids. As far as I know she never came back except to close up her mother's house when she passed.

Sarah stayed married for two years before it imploded. Apparently he wasn't as willing to abandon his lifestyle as he thought. She was devastated. She disappeared out of her lives for another year.

................................................

One day I heard a knock on my door.

It was Sarah. She looked older, tired and sad. She was holding a bluetick puppy in her hands.

"Hi, Sammy. Can we come in? I think she's house trained."

I was at the cabin. I had been giving serious thought to moving there full time. I liked the solitude, and it had all I needed.

"How did you know I was here?"

"Jimmy told me. When did you change your number?"

I had been plagued for about a six months by a druggie that got my number mixed with someone else. I stopped answering the phone and she started texting me, offering me a good deal on different kinds of drugs. I finally got so fed up I showed the text to a deputy sheriff. He took my phone for three hours, copying everything.

He texted her back to set up a buy, bought from her, and back trailed her to the big supplier. He was the one who told me to change my number, just in case somebody tried to trace it for revenge.

I told her the story of my adventure into the drug trade. She laughed, saying stuff like that could only happen to me. I had reproduced my outdoor kitchen down to my clay oven, so we made a pizza and drank a little wine.

I asked her about the dog.

"I stopped at the kennel to try and find you. One of your cronies was there trying to give this little darling away. He said if he couldn't find a home for it he would give her to the pound. I couldn't stand the thought she may not get adopted, so I took her."

We found out pretty quick she wasn't house trained.

It got late. I had a fold out couch that I made up for her, and said goodnight. I woke about three to find her in bed with me, snuggled to my back. I stirred and she hugged me tighter, so I relaxed and went back to sleep.

Nothing was said the next morning. She was up before me, rattling around in my small kitchen, fixing breakfast. I stumbled down and she gave me coffee and a kiss on the cheek.

We walked the woods, and I showed her my solar panels that powered the cabin. It was fairly cheap to power a house that small, and I had a gas generator system for backup. The puppy trotted in front of us until she got tired, and then Sarah carried her back to the cabin.

We went out for burgers, and ate popcorn later as we watched some sappy romance she picked. I saw her sniffling once in a while.

Something was on her mind. I was patient. She would tell me when she was ready.

When it was bedtime she looked at me.

"Can I come on up with you, or should I wait until you fall asleep?"

"I'll exchange bed space for an explanation."

She looked lost and alone.

"If you let me snuggle tonight I'll tell you all about it in the morning."

"Deal, but tonight I get the left side."

I knew by her actions she didn't want sex, just comfort. This time she was spooned to me, and I had my arms wrapped around her. I woke once, she was trying to be quiet while she cried. I was about to say something when she patted my hands and shushed me. It was a long time before she went back to sleep.

I had to work the next day, so I slipped out of bed when the alarm went off, trying not to wake her. I let her puppy out of her cage to answer the call of nature, then quietly slipped it onto the bed. It licked her hands, then settled back into sleep.

I found her out in the yard when I got home, playing with the puppy. She gave me a happy hug, told me dinner would be ready in half an hour.

We ate a really nice meal. I thanked her for it, and she actually blushed. The roof of the cabin extended out across the front, giving me a nice porch that I kept a couple of rockers on. We took our tea outside to enjoy the sunset. We sat in companionable silence, both of us rocking slightly. She spoke so quietly I almost missed her saying it.

"Sammy, can I live here for awhile?"

I kept rocking, thinking about it.

"As long as you want, honey. I can go back to my apartment and you can..."

She shook her head violently.

"No! I meant can I live with you for awhile. Wherever you are, here or your apartment. I just don't want to be alone right now."

I needed to know.

"All right, you can stay as long as you want. You know you have to tell me why, right?"

She nodded, thinking.

"Sammy, you ever reach a point in your life when you realize all your plans are just so much dust? That's where I am now. I was happy in college and the first few years afterwards. I enjoyed my party life, and didn't care what people thought of me. I never lied or deliberately hurt anyone. I saw all our friends marry, and knew I wasn't ready yet. Another few years went by and then all our married friends starting splitting up. It was sad, and reaffirmed my decision."

"Then I got an STD. Not one of the serious, life altering kinds, but it still scared me. I looked at Ron and his wife, and you and Jen, and wanted what you guys had. I don't know if you remember it, but I told you once right before you guys split up I was thinking about changing my life."

"And I did. By then you and Jen were getting ready to divorce and I resolved to be really sure. I thought everyone should be in love as intensely as you two, and when it fell apart it gave me pause."

"But I found a guy. I think the reason I fell for him was because in some ways he reminded me of you. He was wonderful during our courtship and the first year we were married. I told him about my past, and he told me about his. He and his first wife were swingers. It caused his marriage to fail, and he swore he was through with that lifestyle."

"But deep down, he missed it. The second year, he introduced me to some of his old friends. They seemed nice enough. We went to a few parties and I started seeing a pattern. At one party I got hit on until I made him take me home. It was the worst fight we ever had. I told him I was NOT interested, and I better be enough for him if he wanted to stay married. He swore he wouldn't associate with them anymore, except for guy outings, ball games and the like. I believed him for about four months, until he was dumb enough to tell me he was going to a baseball game and would be really late getting home. The drawback to that was it was November, and nobody plays baseball in November. I followed him to the house of one of his swinger friends. I sat in the car for half an hour, then went in. They were starting to get into it, a lot of kissing and groping going on. Some were on the way to getting naked. I asked where my husband was, and headed to that bedroom, shedding clothes. I was naked by the time I opened the door, and had four or five guys following me. He looked up from the bed he was sharing with two women, saw me naked, and smiled."

"Hi, hon. Want to join us?"

"I smiled, walked over to the bed, stroked his dick a couple of times, and then tried my best to pull it off. He was screaming, and it took two guys to pull me off him. He was on the floor, rolling around in pain. I grabbed his head so I could look him in the eye."

"No, you bastard, I'm not joining you. I just wanted you to get one last look at what you threw away."

"They hustled me out of the house before I could cause anymore trouble. He never came home. It only took four and a half months for the divorce to go through."

"Then my company was bought out by a competitor and was shut down. So here I am, 32, no man, no job, no hope. I just needed a change of scenery. I couldn't afford my apartment anymore. I put my stuff in storage, packed my bags, and here I am. I was on my way home to mom, and thought since I was this close I'd stop and see you."

"I like this place, and more importantly, I like you. No, that's not right, I love you. Not in the forever, happily ever after way, but in the I can say anything to you and you won't judge me kind of way. You've always given me friendship and respect, something not a lot of people, especially guys, have done for me. Most guys just want to screw me, and most girls feel like they need to watch me like a hawk to make sure that doesn't happen. So, can I hang out here for awhile?"

What was I supposed to do, turn her away?

So she stayed. Two weeks later we had sex. No, that isn't right, we made love.

She reached for me first. It was tentative, shy, and fumbling. Hard to believe with a girl of her experience. I woke to find her hand on my dick, stroking it slowly.

I put my hand gently over hers.

"Are you sure about this?"

I felt her tears as she kissed me.

"Not in the least. But I want you, at least once. No promises, no commitment, all right? Let's just do what two young healthy people know how to do, just because we can. I know you won't hurt me. Please?"

So we made love, slowly, leisurely. There was no competition for dominance, no urge to impress each other.

Not that she didn't turn me on, but I felt instinctively she didn't need an alpha male right now.

Aside from that, it was intense. The woman knew what she was doing, and it had been awhile for me. We coupled with enthusiasm, each striving to give the other pleasure without worrying about our own. I don't know how long we were at it, but it seemed to last all night. She finally collapsed on top of me.

"It's true" she whispered happily as she collapsed on top of me.

I was so worn out that I didn't ask what she meant.

................................................

She named the puppy Tickles.

"Why did you name her that?" I asked one day as she held her.

"Well, I didn't know what to name her. Everybody tends to name them Blue, but I couldn't do it. Since the last part of bluetick of tick is tick, I named her Tickles. Isn't that a cute name, baby?"

She was rubbing her belly and cooing to her at the end.

"You're going to make a great mother."

It slipped out of my mouth before I thought.

She froze up. Sadness came over her face.

"I hope I will, if I ever get the chance."

We were thirty two by then, and her window was closing fast. There was no future for us together. She knew it, I knew it, it was what it was.

She was a great lover, better than any I had ever been with. Our lovemaking was intense. But while we felt for each other, neither of us were making plans.

She stayed with me for eight months. I got her a job with my company. It didn't pay nearly what she was used to making, but it gave her something to do. She quickly made friends, and started having an occasional girls night out.

She came home one night from a night out and practically raped me. She did the same thing the next morning. When we were done she sat up in bed and a tear trickled down her cheek.

"What's wrong, babe?"

"I'm going to start sleeping on the couch for awhile Sammy. This was our last time together. I've met someone, a guy from the bar we girls go to. He'd been there a few times but never made advances. Carole knew him and dragged him over so we'd have someone to dance with."

"I kissed him last night at the end of a dance. It was electric! It made me realize it was time to move on. My past aside, I can't still sleep with you and think about pursuing someone else. Please say you understand."

I looked at her magnificent body, in appreciation and sadness, before I pulled her to me.

"It's time. We both knew it would happen eventually. I hope this guy is good for you. Just be careful."

................................................

Two more cliches I don't care for.

"They lived happily ever after."

"Time heals all wounds."

Three years had gone by, and I still missed Jenny. She had remarried, had two kids. I hope they make it.

Sarah married the guy from the bar. He seemed like a nice man. She told him about her past when they started getting serious. It melted her heart when he confessed he had only been with two women before her, and he looked forward to what she could teach him. She told me she planned on giving him lessons for the rest of their lives. She had their first son at thirty five, the second at thirty seven.

I lived every day with regret. I should have forgiven her. If I hadn't shot her we would probably be still be together.

The memory of that made it hard to start a relationship with some one. I was afraid of my temper. It had only surfaced once since then, when I caught a man at the trials beating one of his dogs savagely. I had him down on the ground and was kicking him before they pulled me off.

"Now you know what it feels like, asshole!"

The man never beat a dog at one of the events again, but I could look in his cruel little eyes and knew he did it in private. I always thought that was one of the reasons he never won an event.

I dated, had sex once in a while, but could never get close.

.................................................

My favorite cliche of all time.

"Love conquers all"

I joined the local gym. I worked out, but went mostly for the yoga and the tai chi. It helped me focus and keep myself centered. I actually spent most of a year in therapy. It helped. I learned to control my temper and not be so judgmental. I won't say it was easy. I still occasionally have to step back.

They say love comes to you when you least expect it. I know, another cliche.

She was new to yoga, and ended up in the wrong class. She was in the intermediate class, instead of the beginner. She was having trouble keeping up, got tangled, and ended up falling all over me.

It embarrassed her no end. I helped her up, and she fled the class. The next day she was standing in the lobby, looking uncertain. She saw me and blushed. I smiled at her.

"It gets easier, you know. Don't give up."

It broke the ice. We chatted before class, and she was waiting for me at the end.

She fumbled around before she came out with it.

"Would you like to go for coffee?"

The statement was delivered while she went through various shades of red.

It took three dates to get her to stop blushing, two more before I got a kiss. It was worth the wait.

She saw my face when we exchanged names. Jenny Cooper.

"What?"

"My ex was named Jenny."

"Oh."

By the seventh date I realized this may be the one.

She had a little boy, three years old. Her husband had gotten a better offer and left her. She had no idea where he was.

The child was her life, and our dates revolved around her ability to get babysitters. After the third time she had to cancel I showed up at her door.

"Get dressed. Get your son dressed. We're going out to dinner. If we continue I'm going to have to meet him eventually."

Emotions chased each other across her face until she smiled.

"Come in, I won't be long. How should I dress?"

"We're just going for a casual dinner. Jeans will be fine."

So I sat in her living room, listening intently while her son tried to explain something about the game he was playing on his toy computer. We were fast friends by the time she came out.

Jeans, sneakers, simple sleeveless top. No makeup, hair pulled back into a ponytail. She looked great. Five foot four, just over a hundred pounds, small breasts, great ass. Red hair that shone in the sun like burnished copper. She was twenty seven.

She picked the restaurant. A small mom and pop diner, and everybody knew her name. Jason pushed fries around his plate while we talked. We ended up at the movies, watching a Pixar movie that Jason didn't understand but enjoyed immensely. I had a great time.

He was out like a light when I took them home. She invited me in while she put him to bed. We sat on the couch talking for about ten minutes as our lips got closer and closer, until they finally connected. It wasn't electric. It was more like falling into something wonderful, that surrounded you with warmth and love. Something you knew you didn't want to stop.

We didn't make love that night. We did get familiar with each others' body.

Three dates later she surprised me by wanting to see my cabin. She was charmed with it. We sat on the porch for a few minutes, before she got up to use the bathroom. She came back out and told he to close my eyes and hold out my hand.

I did, and felt something warm and soft in my hands.

"You can open your eyes now."

It was her panties, pale blue boyshorts.

I looked up in confusion.

"Wanna see if the bra matches?"

She giggled as she ran up the steps to the bedroom.