Becoming Who I Am

Perfect golden autumn day. Those seven syllables kept rolling through my mind, part of a haiku that was trying to emerge as I raked up leaves in the yard I had known so well as a child. It was, indeed, a perfect golden autumn day, a day that evokes the sweeter side of melancholy, an incomplete emptiness that leaves hope available. I was home again - not my home, but my childhood home, the house in which I had grown up. It was six weeks since mom had passed, and my sister Sarah and I had both come home to begin sorting through 43 years our parents' life together.

The last five of those mom had been alone, dad having finally reaped the fruit of two packs of Camel straights a day for 51 years. He had started in the Army and just never stopped, which eventually killed him. Mom had been happy these last few years, but after a trip to the coast in late August she had come down with a summer cold that developed into pneumonia. She was gone in two weeks, peacefully at the end. I had been able to come and help her then, which was nice since the two of us had a chance to close up old divides and misunderstandings between us - nothing too serious but still good to talk through. Now Sarah and I had both made the trip home, figuring it would be best to get started on closing up the house and preparing it for sale before winter arrived.

Sarah had gone out early that day and not yet returned. I'm not sure where she had gone, but she had mentioned the evening before that she expected to be out most of the day. I had slept relatively late (9:30) and then taken a long relaxing shower. After getting coffee and a bite to eat I had headed outside to rake the leaves. I was pleasantly surprised at the memories this called forth, memories of doing exactly this before, so many times as a teenager. The familiarity of the yard, the aromas of fall, the slight chill in the air, and the golden quality of the sunlight slanting through the trees - all of this conspired to create the melancholy I mentioned.

But I was not unhappy. In fact, I was deep into a playful reminiscence: It had been in the very corner of the yard I was now raking, right in the middle of the three fir trees arranged in a triangle, their low drooping branches creating a semi-private area that became entirely private when it was dark. It had been right here, 11 years earlier, at the start of my senior year when I had just turned 18, that I had my first sex with a girl. Not full on fucking but feeling up and eating out a pussy for the first time in my young life, and getting a blowjob in return.

Her name was Jenny, and she and I fooled around with each other a bit in high school. Her birthday was a week before mine, so she was also 18. I remembered being overwhelmed by the smell of her once I got my hands into her panties that night, that musky smell of female arousal that lingered on my fingers all the next day. It still turns me on, and now here I was raking up the oak leaves that had blown into the space between the fir trees from the main part of the yard and starting to get a hard-on just thinking of that smell and that night.

Jenny and I had gone between the trees to smoke some hash, which I had miraculously scored from my friend Josh, who normally sold everyone grams of pretty decent green bud for ten bucks apiece. But that week he had this hash, and I had promised Jenny we could check it out together if she came over. It was the evening of a beautiful fall day not unlike this one. She and I sat down in the grass and smoked not one but three bowls. Then we started giggling about something and the next thing you know we were rolling around together on the ground, which led to a wrestling match, which, as usual, I let Jenny win, so she ended up straddling my chest with my arms pinned above my head.

Then she kissed me. We had kissed before, but this was different from the start, more intense and passionate. Jenny was on a mission. Her tongue slipped between my lips and we started really making out. She was alternately pressing in on me with her mouth and then pulling away a little bit. This whole time she never released my arms, and I found that I enjoyed the forced restraint. She started grinding her pussy against me, slowly, deliberately, and I could tell she was getting aroused.

Two weeks before this night, the last time we had fooled around like this, she had let me put my hand up her shirt. Later I suspected she had planned on me doing this, as to my surprise she was not wearing a bra. So for a good ten minutes I had felt her up while kissing her, at first just clumsily covering her whole breast with my hand and pressing down but soon figuring out that her nipples were especially sensitive and that she enjoyed having me twist them between my thumb and forefinger and then tug on them once they were pointy and stiff. She had moaned from deep within her throat with a husky sound I still find very sexy in a woman's voice.

But on this night I was remembering she had on a fairly heavy sweater, and with my arms pinned like they were there was no possibility of me getting my hands on her tits at the moment. So I lay there and let her have her way with me, enjoying the way she was pushing herself against me. I felt sure she must have felt my hard on through my jeans, and her heavy breathing made it clear that she was pretty aroused herself. I love making out, so her kisses alone were enough to turn me on. But her being in more or less total control of the situation also excited me in surprising ways.

Then she released my lips just to take a breath, and she paused to look up at the moon that was shining down on us through the fir branches. I took advantage of that to turn the tables on her, twisting my hips underneath her and lifting my ass off the ground just enough to get some leverage to roll her over. In a flash I was on top of her with my right leg between her legs and my hands now holding hers down on the grass. "Mwahahaha... now I've got you, my pretty," I said in my best imitation of the Wicked Witch of the West.

She giggled at that but then my lips were back on hers. Pleasant though it was, I was done with the teasing and playfulness of our tongues dancing together. I pressed aggressively against her mouth and pushed my tongue deep into it. She was taken aback at first but soon was giving as good as she got and the two of us started writhing against each other in increasingly heated passion. Then while we kissed I moved my right hand up to her cheek, and now that her left hand was free she put it up on the back of my head, running her fingers through my curls. Our lips broke apart for a moment and we looked in each other's eyes. What I saw in her was a beautiful mixture of love and lust, and even though my teenaged mind didn't understand how special that was I did have a vague sense that this was a rare moment.

Our kisses became gentle now, and my right hand moved down to her body, caressing the breasts I knew were there under her sweater. I shifted my leg away from her crotch as my hand drifted down onto her thigh. She was wearing a mid-length cotton skirt, and as we kissed my caresses crossed over to her inner thigh and slipped underneath the fabric. Once there my fingers started moving slowly but inexorably upwards, exploring territory I had fantasized about but never touched. She made no move to stop me and so I kept on exploring.

My fingers reached her panties and I felt the slightest bit of moisture, which sort of surprised me. As I paused there Jenny arched her back just a little bit and spread her knees a little wider, which I took as a green light to go further. I slipped one finger and then a second inside a leg hole and started feeling her up. Being as careful as I could I started moving my fingers up and down, soon realizing that through her hair I was feeling the lips of her pussy. As I stroked the little furrow that they formed she moaned softly and again spread her legs a bit wider. I gently pushed against her and spread her labia apart so that I could get a finger between them. In an instant I felt her wetness and for the first time the slippery welcome of an aroused pussy.

My middle finger easily slid her inside and Jenny sort of grunted as it did so. I looked at her eyes, but they were closed. She had a serene look of pleasure on her face, so when I withdrew my finger I immediately pushed it back into her along with the other one. In a kind of reverie I watched her face as I finger-fucked her for a minute or two. I wasn't entirely sure what I was doing, but she was obviously enjoying it and she started pushing her hips up off the ground, pressing her mound against my palm. I withdrew both fingers and moved them slowly up her slit, spreading the moisture from within around the outer part of her lips.

It was then that I felt her clit for the first time. I had learned about genital anatomy in Health class, just like everyone, but my first experience that night was different from anything I had expected. I later realized that Jenny's clit was larger than average. It was almost as big as the tip of my pinky finger, and as my fingers moved over it I could feel that it was swollen and a little stiff. I placed my fingers on either side of it and slowly slid them up and down, holding it between them. Jenny moaned and her hips rolled downward as she arched her back in pleasure. My mind was still pretty stoned from the hash we had smoked, but as I looked at Jenny's face I knew that this girl was pretty turned on by what I was doing.

She opened her eyes then and softly said, "wait a sec, Chris, let me up." I rolled off of her, wondering if I had been wrong about the pleasure she seemed to be taking in our play. She got up on her knees, leaving me still lying on my back, and she looked straight at me with a serious look on her face. "This is so much fun, and I don't want to stop. But I'm not ready to go all the way, with you or anyone." I must've looked disappointed, and she immediately leaned down to kiss me. "Silly boy," she said. "I'm not rejecting you." Then she reached down and rubbed my cock through my jeans, feeling my erection with a fascinated look in her eyes. "Do you seriously think I'm going to let you get away from me before getting my hands on this?"

I must have blushed at that, because she laughed as she stood up and over me. "No no, mister. I'm not done with you." As she said this she kicked her shoes off and lifted up her skirt. With a sexy look in her eyes she took the waistband of her panties and slowly slipped them down her legs and off. "I'll do something for you, once you do something for me. It's time for an oral exam, and you're up first."

With that she lay back down next to me, getting onto her back and lifting her skirt up as she spread her legs wide. "Is my mouth the only thing you feel like kissing?" she asked seductively. In no time I knew what she was asking for, so I quickly rolled over and moved down so my head was in between her thighs. That's when I smelled it for the first time, that indescribable but unmistakable aroma of an aroused woman. That rich musk goes right to my head, and even in that first encounter with it I immediately wanted to fuck her.

But, first things first. Looking down at her in the moonlight I saw Jenny's thick bush in front of me. Her dark mound of hair was open in the middle, and I could discern some glistening wetness and a flash of pink flesh. I moved my face closer, slowly, enjoying the sight as well as the smell of it. I felt her first, again taking the two fingers I had had inside her and parting her lips, mesmerized by her wetness. I moved those fingers in and out of her a few times, and then I lowered my mouth and placed it over her mound, shyly taking my first taste of pussy. Licking seemed like the obvious thing to do, so I set about exploring her with my tongue.

Jenny shuddered just a little when at my first contact. But once my tongue started moving she settled down, and soon I could tell she liked what I was doing. At first I just moved my tongue up and down her slit, savoring the taste of her. As I gained some confidence I brought my lips closer and began to thrust my tongue into her a little, finding that by beginning at the bottom I could push into her and then, pulling my tongue upwards while applying pressure with it, I could elicit a moan from Jenny.

After a couple of minutes I began to linger at the top, playing with her clit, flicking my tongue over and around it. This also seemed to please her, so I kept at it and found that her clit grew even larger and more prominent. As I've said, I now realize that Jenny's clit was larger than most women. Given my inexperience, I'm sort of surprised that I tried this, but after ample licking I took her clit between my lips and sucked on it, as if it were a straw. That really got to her and she began to push herself firmly against my mouth. So I kept on sucking her like that, getting more and more turned on by her arousal.

After a couple of minutes, I went back to slow licking, exploring the stiffness of her inner labia, which had grown more prominent than when I had been feeling her up. Those little inner ridges felt good against my tongue. And, by the way, the whole time I was licking Jenny I was humping my cock against the ground, slowly grinding my hips into the earth, my own arousal growing with every thrust. But Jenny's pussy held my main attention, and the way that all of it was swelling as I worked on it amazed me. And she was so wet! I could feel that my face was smeared with her juices, which only fueled my own excitement.

I again put my lips around her clit, and this time when I sucked it into my mouth I didn't let go, putting a relentless suction on it and around it and flicking my tongue against the tip as I did this. I thought to myself that it was like sucking on the end of a Slim Jim, which sort of made me laugh and wonder if I should worry about her sodium content. Jenny began to moan louder, and within half a minute of my sucking on her like this she was really going wild, pushing against my mouth and repeating my name, "Chris, Chris, Chris..."

Then I felt her legs stiffen a little, and she held herself firmly against my face as she cried out "oh... oh... oh..." I could tell she was having an orgasm, and from that moment on I've been amazed and enchanted by the allure of a woman's sex power, the energy latent in her body that can be released so beautifully by hands that know how. More of her juices flowed onto my lips and chin. My tongue felt a little sore, but witnessing the power of Jenny's pleasure made it all worthwhile as far as I was concerned.

Jenny was breathing pretty heavily. After a minute I lightly ran my tongue up her slit and as I did so she jumped and took in a breath of air. "Oh my," she said. "Oh my, oh my..." I lifted my face away from her pussy and pushed myself up so that I was kneeling in front of her. I'll never forget the sight of her that night: she looked angelic lying there on the grass in the moonlight, with a smile of deep satisfaction on her face.

After another minute she raised herself up on her elbows. I leaned over and kissed her. "Wow, is that what I taste like?" she exclaimed more than asked. "That's such a turn on, tasting myself on you." "Yeah," I said, "I'd go for seconds."

She laughed at that and got up on her knees facing me, reaching for my belt buckle. "I think you owe me something, buddy," she said. "I've shown you mine, now you show me yours." She soon had my belt open and the top button of my Levis undone. As she worked on the next button down she looked up at me with soft doe eyes and said in a soft husky voice "I think I felt something in here. You don't mind if I look, do you?"

I sort of chuckled at that, half uncomfortably. I had never gone so far with a girl before, and certainly never had anyone literally getting into my pants this way. But I wasn't complaining as she pulled my jeans open enough to reach into my underwear and put her fingers around my cock. Now I knew even then that there are guys who have bigger dicks than me, but I've always thought that my almost 7 inches is thick enough to satisfy anyone who wanted to play with it. Jenny did not seem disappointed as she said "c'mon, let me in here."

I stood up then and hooked my thumbs into my jeans and pulled them and my underwear down over my hips in one motion. My cock sprung out in front of me in all its glory. Jenny was still on her knees in front of me, so my erection was pretty much hanging right in her face. She just sat and stared at it for a minute, but then she brought both her hands up at once and grasped it, gently at first but with increasing firmness after a few seconds. She started slowly stroking me, although she was mainly just holding my cock and checking it out.

At first her hands were a little cold against my flesh, but soon they warmed up. The feeling was incredible, being held that way, held and caressed. I was too nervous to move for a minute, but then Jenny moved her right hand down to my balls as she cocked her head to the right a little and checked them out as she fondled them. That took my breath away and I faltered a little bit, not losing my balance but taking a small step backwards. Jenny kept playing with my nuts as she moved her mouth towards the tip of my cock.

An instant later her tongue was on me. She licked my cock head so gently, as if it were a fragile treasure. She passed her tongue around and across it, slowly, erotically. She was still holding my shaft in her left hand as she was doing this, and her fingers were still moving back and forth along the top of it. This nearly overwhelmed me, the way she was teasing me. I had literally never felt anything like this before. Jenny paused and looked up into my eyes, smiling. "Why don't you lie down, sweetheart?" she asked.

I was all too happy to comply, as I'm not sure how much longer I could have stayed on my feet without falling over. Once I was down on my back she leaned over my face and kissed me again. Our tongues danced and played with each other. My lips and chin were still wet with Jenny's juices, and the slipperiness that caused was another newly discovered pleasure for me. She started moaning, obviously enjoying the taste of herself on my lips. She lifted herself up and then straddled my right leg, our mouths engaged in a passionate kiss all the while. She began to hump her naked pussy against my knee and it was clear that her arousal had not receded much after her orgasm.

As Jenny ground herself against me my cock was pressed up against her body, just below her sweater-covered breasts. I think feeling that was enough to remind her of what she had put me on the ground for, as after a couple minutes she broke her mouth away from mine, giving me a quick but deep look in the eyes with a sly grin on her lips before grinding her way down my leg until her mouth was close to my engorged erection.

She took hold of my cock with her right hand, holding it firmly and stroking her fingers along the curve of its upper side. Then suddenly her lips were on it, encasing the head in a wonder of wet warmth. I had never felt anything so intense before, and my hips reflexively thrust upward in response, having the effect of pushing a couple inches of my cock deeper into her mouth. She hadn't expected this but took it all in without gagging. Her lips closed around my shaft and she slowly drew them upward, bringing on sensations more intense than any I had felt before.

When Jenny reached the tip of my cock her mouth came to a stop and she lingered there, with just the head of it surrounded by her lips. I could feel a flood of her saliva swirling around as her tongue rapidly circled and massaged the tip of me. I nearly fainted with pleasure, feeling her play with me that way. After half a minute of this she once again pulled my cock into her mouth, her lips going back down my shaft. I felt her tongue pressing in against the underside of it, and I felt like I had never been harder in my life.