Between the Fucking Line

Preface: I am not trying to paint an erotic picture here. I am merely trying to be tongue-in-cheek, satirizing the somewhat trite cliches and images that abound here. I'm not trying to piss anyone off, so please, don't take it personal. I know I wouldn't. Thanks a bunch.

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I lost in thought at the moment, thinking about the malaise endemic to society in recent weeks. I was also thinking about how cool it would be to have an 11-inch cock. Soft. 'Boy, bet that would hurt though. It would probably bruise a cervix or two,' I reasoned. In an instant, I was shaken from my reverie.

I saw her from somewhat of a distance, her light blonde hair gleaming like a phoenix in the brilliant sun(actually, I could have spit on her, and her black roots extended at least three inches from her part). At the time, I was wondering if I knew her somehow; she seemed somewhat familiar(although I was really hoping that she wasn't). I started to speak to her, hoping to impress her with my rapier wit and good manners, but I was momentarily taken by her awesome beauty(it wasn't that; she had this horrific booger dangling from her right nostril). She sashayed into the room(actually, she merely got into my car, a battered primer-gray '64 Ford Falcon; she was hitchhiking at the time). I asked her name, and she said it was "Brianna"(I was thinking her name was more like Thelma).

I looked at a face that was beyond words(well, now that I think of it, "pimply" and "unattractive" come to mind). Her breasts looked to be about a 34B(they were really about a 40DD, and her being without a bra, they dangled halfway to her waist). She was really well-built, and she was in possession of an alluring ass that could stop traffic(in truth, she was obscenely overweight, and her ass was so big that it just *might have* stopped traffic). I drove to a small secluded orange grove overlooking the Pacific Ocean; the fiery sun was just beginning to set, with hues of pink and blue intermingling in the awe-inspiring sky(in reality, we were parked behind a seedy rundown strip bar, and a malfunctioning neon sign blinked pink and blue in an erratic manner). Without uttering a word, she reached over and unfastened my zipper, and took hold of my pulsing 11-inch cock(okay, maybe it isn't 11 inches, but I'll bet it's at least all of 5).

She leaned over and took my massive hard-on into her warm mouth(in reality, her mouth was sort of cold, as she was eating a popsicle at the time, and my dick had taken on swimming pool proportions). I can't describe the exquisite feelings that ran through my body when she started bobbing her head slowly along my length (okay, let me try -- she was biting down on me with her rotted teeth, and the sensation was one of mind-numbing pain). I slowly ran my fingers through her silky blonde hair and spoke to her very softly(her hair was really matted and had a texture of 30-weight oil, and I actually yelled "Hey! What the fuck are you doing?!")

She gracefully climbed into the back seat of the car like a gazelle in a verdant meadow, and spread her slender legs wide for me(more like it, she clumsily fumbled her way into the back seat, and she lifted her somewhat tattered skirt to reveal a grotesque bush of dark black encrusted hair as she opened her chubby thighs). I immediately joined her in the back seat of my car, my rod at the ready(not really; she grabbed me by the hair and pulled me on top of her, and I still wasn't what you would call "ready"). I was aware of the fragrant aroma emanating from between her thighs(it was really more like an overpowering stench that brought to mind memories of a yeast infection, and I fought back my urge to regurgitate).

She put her hands on the back of my ass, pulling me deep inside of her(actually, I wasn't even hard, as the reeking of her privates, not to mention the gnawing of her teeth, although I just did, had the effect of "suppressing" my erection). We began a leisurely rhythm of joyous lovemaking(not really, she was pulling me back and forth between her widespread flabby legs, and the meeting issued a "thwack" each time she pulled me down onto her). I felt my climax building, and lurched into her deeply, filling her with my hot jism(not at all; I was getting tired of being pulled down onto her again and again, so I came up with a plan: I faked an orgasm; hey, women do it all the time... or so I've heard).

She kissed me passionately as we finished our erotic coupling, and then without a word walked off into the picturesque sunset(what really happened was that she tried to kiss me, and I turned my head quickly to avoid her horrendous breath, and she ended up slobbering on my cheek. She asked me for $50 bucks for the "good time"... so I wrote her a check that would have bounced from here to Peoria, then she walked to the strip club).

As she reached the ornate door, she turned and politely waved goodbye to me, and then traipsed off(what she really did was go to the door that was falling apart, and while giving me the finger, called for "Vito", the bouncer). I pulled off thinking what a lovely encounter that I had just experienced(actually, "Vito" was waving a switchblade as what's-her-name was still giving me the finger; I wondered if he was okay as he bounced off my car).

I'll always remember that wonderful day(I can't forget it; they're still looking for me for hitting Vito; good thing they were stolen tags, not to mention the car).

The moral of this story?: You win some, and then you lose a whole lot more.