Beyond the Borderline Bk. 02

"He's a good kid."

"That he is, husband-son. He wants to sleep on it, doesn't want to rush things. He's patient and thoughtful, just like his father."

Shortly after, Jason came down to the kitchen. He surprised us both with ferocious hugs, announcing, "You guys are the most incredible, amazing people I know. I'm so glad I'm your son, you make me feel so lucky and proud."

"Need the car keys again?" I teased.

"Nah, thanks Dad. I'm gonna go hang with Fiona for a while. Got some things I want to talk with her about. We'll probably eat over at the lodge. Barry and Lisa said they'd make us some pizza."

Mom smiled and squeezed my hand.

"Your staff spoils those kids more than we do."

"Terrible, isn't it?"

I didn't see Jason until the next day, near noontime, and then only briefly. He paused in the kitchen long enough for a glass of milk and a toasted bagel and then left to see Fiona. He moved dreamily and slowly, a small smile on his lips, seeming oblivious to my presence.

About ten minutes later, Mom joined me for lunch, a wistful smile on her face.

"I had a long talk with Jase this early morning," she announced.

"Did you come to any arrangement?" I asked.

"Jason lost his virginity last night...to Fiona," she explained.

"Wow. That young buck has a lot going on in his life now,"

"As sweet as it would have been to be his first, I think it's better this way," Mom confessed.

"We talked for a couple hours while you were still sleeping. He told me everything, how it was for them, what it was like. He asked me a lot of questions about how he could be a better lover for her. I guess it was a bit awkward and unsatisfying for both of them on one level, but they are happy to be together now."

"Our son is so sweet, Ricky. I'm really proud of him, how he's handling things. He told me that as much as he has the hots for me and as much as he loves me, what he feels with Fiona is different. He doesn't feel right being with me for that reason, as much as he thinks it would be (these are his words) 'totally, fucking mind-blowingly hot.'"

"He wants to be exclusive with Fiona, see where that leads. But he warned me that if things end up not working out for them, I'd better not bend over around him," she giggled.

It ended up that Mom and Jason never did get together. Fiona captured our son, hook, line and sinker and they were and still are deliriously happy with each other. We rejoiced that Jason seemed to experience the same love and lust that we had and still have for each other, Mom perhaps slightly more wistfully than me.

I'm sure that Jason told Fiona at some point about his stillborn affair with Mom, because in years to come, I would occasionally see Jase cop a friendly butt squeeze or titty grope on Mom in Fiona's presence, much to her merriment. I never complained, since things never went anywhere and it seemed to usually get Mom's engine well-revved up for me. No harm, no foul, right?

I can remember a particular day with great clarity. We had just celebrated our 44th year together. We took the day to make a slow, leisurely tour of the island, winding through some of our favorite places, stopping in Tofino, Campbell River, Nanaimo and several other small towns along the Salish Sea. A wonderful picnic lunch prepared for us by Anna, Jason and Fiona was consumed with relish as we enjoyed the views of Cowichan Lake. We had cold roast squab, a fresh baguette, late harvest cherries, some Camembert and a marvelous Pouilly Fume, chilled in the lake waters.

Early evening found us near home, outside Victoria, with an ethereal sunset in front of us, the palette a pastel fusion of shades of apricot, rose and violet. We sat on a bench-like rock overlooking our small, nameless cove, watching the waves break on the boulder-strewn shore and the sky slowly darkening. Mom leaned against me, wrapping her arm around my waist as we sat and I pulled her close, once again savoring her scent, of soap and sandalwood.

She snuggled in a little closer, a small sigh escaping from her lips as I tightened my embrace.

"What are you thinking, Mom?"

"I'm feeling a little maudlin and sentimental, Ricky. Just reliving a few memories and thinking about how many more sunsets we have together."

"I want as many as I can get, Mom."

"There's a price to be paid for everything, Ricky," she had chided me gently. "Even for great love and great happiness, there is a cost."

"I've been thankful for every day I've had with you, Mom - I have no regrets. I guess I'm just selfish."

"When we said our vows to each other, man to woman, husband to wife and mother to son, even though we never spoke about it openly, we knew a day of parting would come, and that I would most likely be the one who left you behind, Ricky. That's the price, son. You have to stay behind and live without me."

She then took my head in both hands and kissed me passionately. Looking me in the eyes fiercely, she said, "You can mourn me and miss me, lover - I expect that. But if you mope around, stop being a father and grandfather, I swear I will come back from the grave and absolutely kick your ass from here to hell and back."

"Je comprends, mon général, ma mère," I laughed.

Two weeks later, our time was over. Mercifully, things happened fairly quickly. We were eating breakfast together, going over our plans to open up the Maui house for the winter when Mom gasped and dropped her cup of tea, her face ashen.

"Mom! What is it? Are you okay?"

Her lips were faintly blue, a rictus of pain on her face.

"Something's wrong, Ricky. I....I feel like I'm going to throw up and I can't...I can't...catch...my...breath.."

She then slumped in her chair and my world descended into utter chaos. I vaguely remember screaming for Jason and Fiona, the frantic call to 911 and the agony of waiting for EMS and the subsequent life flight to Vancouver General. Hours later, we finally arrived in the CCU. The cardiologist on call was kind but blunt. Yes, the heart attack was massive. No, there were no viable options to salvage the situation. Mom was awake and lucid, but terribly weak. Her nurse came out of the room, beckoning to me.

"She wants to speak to you, alone," she stated. I stood, rooted to the spot, unable to process the enormity of the situation. The nurse took me by my elbow, gently guiding me to the doorway. "There's probably not a lot of time, so you better not waste any," she stated sympathetically.

She looked startlingly peaceful, slightly pale, still with a blue tint to her lips. She toyed with her oxygen cannula, adjusting its fit in her nostrils. I lowered the railings and sat at the side of the bed, taking her hands in mine. They were cold, very cold and I detected a faint tremor to them I had never before felt.

She took a deep breath and began to speak, going forward in fits and starts as she quickly ran out of breath, only able to say a few words at a time.

"I've already... told them...told them I don't want anything done. This is my time and I know it in my heart. Remember...remember what I told you, my son...my love. You need... your family and they need you, now more than ever. Be each other's strength. Never stop...never stop being... the good father and grandfather you already are."

"There's one more thing. After I'm gone, Deirdre is going to be staying with you, to make sure you're okay. She'll tell you about our agreement. Don't turn her away. Promise me. It's important."

I was somewhat baffled by Mom's request, not having any idea what she was driving at. We had gone over things like estate planning in the past and I had thought that we were pretty much on the same page. Perhaps I wasn't thinking clearly, watching my love slip away from me, but she was insistent in a way I had never seen before, so eventually I agreed, still perplexed.

"Good. Remember Ricky, no regrets. I've been blessed as few women are ever blessed. I've been able to live to the end with the love of my life. It's all I could ever have dreamed of. I am content."

I choked back a sob.

"I'll see the others...see the others now."

The details of calling hours, the funeral and the memorial service still remain a disjointed mosaic of fragmentary impressions and searing pain. Jason, Fiona and Anna Marie handled all of the arrangements. Deirdre spent nearly every waking hour at my side and was a pillar of strength for me.

Gradually, the sharp agony of loss faded into a dull, relentless heartache. Those times when I was with family were good, keeping my darker moods at bay, but I often found myself standing alone with my recollections, overlooking our cove, remembering my first prescient dream of our time there. Most of the time, I felt entirely outside myself, as though watching life unfolding like a distant performance, seen from a far away balcony.

I knew that everyone was looking out for me, making sure to keep me busy and engaged, hoping to keep me looking forward. There were times when I felt grateful for their concern, but just as often, I almost resented the relentless efforts to cheer me up, wanting to be left alone with my thoughts and memories.

It was there, at the shore in "one of those moods," that Dee Dee found me, lost in brown study.

"Daddy! I've been looking everywhere for you!" she exclaimed with a mixture of reproach and relief. "We've been worried - you never came home for lunch."

"Sorry kiddo. I was lost in thought, I guess."

"You've been out here for over 3 hours, you know."

"That long?"

She sighed as she took my hand and led me back up the path. "I think you're beset by memory here, poppa. Why don't you take a break and go to Maui for a while? I'll come with you."

"You've been away long enough from your own work, Dee Dee. Lord knows how I would have survived these past 2 months without you, but really, I'll be okay."

"Actually, it's already too late," she said with a sly grin. "I booked 2 first class tickets to Kahului this morning. The flight is at 9 am, day after tomorrow. We'll open up the cottage together. There's a ton of stuff to do and with two, it'll be much more pleasant. As for my work, rank hath its privileges. What good is it being Chairman of your department if you can't take some time off? I've been officially on compassionate leave, but last week I put in for a 6-month sabbatical. The dean has been after me for some time to do it - he knows that I've got 2 books that need finishing, so I can do that while you get settled."

I threw my hands up in mock surrender. "Okay, daughter of mine. You've painted me into a corner, but you may be right about the change of scene. We'll go home and pack now."

As we sat around the table at dinner, Dee Dee announced our plans, to much general approval. I left the table in a rather curious frame of mind, however. I caught a number of veiled, significant glances exchanged between Jason, Fiona, Dee Dee and Anna. I had the distinct impression of a behind the scenes conspiracy of sorts and I felt distinctly managed, but went with the flow anyway.

Our flight from Vancouver was very enjoyable. We chatted at length about Dee Dee's trials and tribulations as the first female chair of the Mathematics Department at her university and I found myself pleasantly diverted the entire time. I was struck by how much Deirdre was her mother's daughter, both in mannerisms, personality and appearance. She had the same strawberry blonde hair, high cheekbones and jawline, but had my taller, slimmer and more athletic frame. She certainly had Mom's drive and tenacity in spades and I was very impressed as she recounted the details of her rise in academia, something she had never really shared with us in any detail.

In due course, we landed and then arrived at the cottage. Getting everything ship shape took us the better part of five consecutive twelve-hour days and I noticed that the labor and long hours were tiring in a good way. It had been years since I had spent so much time with any of our children in such a fashion and I found the experience to be most pleasant.

It was at this juncture that I found myself sitting with Dee Dee in the lanai, watching the sunset and sharing a bottle of Pinot Grigio. We were buzzed from fatigue and the wine, slightly sleepy from our dinner.

"Do you mind if I ask you a personal question, Dee Dee?"

"As long as you don't mind if I decline to answer, depending on the substance," she replied.

"Fair enough. Mom and I always stayed out of your personal life, but I find myself wondering more and more these days. How is it that someone as talented, beautiful and intelligent as you has never found a...ahem, life partner?"

"That was very deftly phrased, Daddy," she replied with a wry smile.

"I'm sincerely curious. It has become very evident to me over the past weeks that there's no good reason why you should be lacking in companionship. It's a bit of mystery to your old, stick-in-the-mud dad."

"I've had a few serious relationships over the years, Daddy. Mostly with men, but several with women as well," she said easily. "Does it shock you that I'm bisexual?"

"Hardly, Dee. Like mother, like daughter," I chuckled wryly.

"Daddy! Um...really?"

"Yup. I'm surprised she never told you. The two of you were always pretty close, especially as you grew up more. Anyway, it wasn't a huge deal – it was only with one person."

"Wow, Dad. I really had no idea, not the least inkling. Who was it – no wait, let me think about this for a minute."

As she sat back in her chair, Dee stared intently into her wine glass, swirling the dregs absently as she concentrated, clearly processing some old memories. After a few minutes, she sat bolt upright, eyes opening widely in shock.

"My God. It was Aunt Gina, wasn't it?"

"You always were a pretty good detective, daughter mine."

"I should have figured that out ages ago. And Gina was the only one?"

"Yes. I don't think Mom was, um, intrinsically attracted to women, it was more who Gina was. In a way, it was more about the person and not the gender, if that makes any sense. Gina and Mom had a spiritual connection, which led to uhh, physical things as well."

"In any event, love is where you find it. Real, heart-stopping he-or-she's The One kind of love is always worth looking for. Love is the one thing you should never, ever settle on. I was incredibly lucky that way," I said wistfully.

"That's why I've never married. I'm still looking, waiting," she said seriously.

"Do you have any hope? You're going to be 45 in a few months."

She smiled enigmatically. "I have some real hopes, Daddy. Perhaps soon, actually. I hope you don't mind if I defer any more comment on that. I'll tell you more, gladly, when I know for sure."

She shifted in her chair to look directly at me. "Not to change the subject too much, but do you remember my 18th birthday?"

"I'm not likely to ever forget it. It's when we told you and Anna the true nature of Mom's and my relationship. I was amazed at how well you handled it."

"We had a lot of time to think about it. You see, I knew the truth already for over 2 years."

I was thunderstruck. "How...what...you kept that secret?"

"Well, obviously I told Anna. We never had any secrets from each other. Jase was pretty much clueless, of course, and I didn't see any need to muddy the waters that way."

"How did you come to know?"

"Christmas Eve when I was 16."

"Ahhhhhh..."

"Yes, I woke up around 1 am and went to the kitchen for a snack. I thought I heard something in the den."

"Yeah, Mom and I were doing some last minute gift wrapping and we, well, uh, we got a little sidetracked, as I recall," I said with a slight blush.

"I remember it like it was yesterday, Daddy. That night was probably the biggest emotional rollercoaster of my entire life. When I first saw you together, it was embarrassing and yucky. Kids usually can't and don't see their parents as sexual creatures."

"At first, it was sort of like driving by a highway accident. I really didn't want to see, but I couldn't stop looking, either. After a little while, I sort of got drawn in. I could see the pleasure you gave each other, the hotness and the tenderness and playfulness, too. It was strangely compelling."

"But then, there was one point where everything changed. Mom was, uhm, kneeling in front of you, uhm, you know, uhm, sucking you," DeeDee blushed deeply, pausing for a moment, unable to continue as she remembered.

"And..." I prompted.

"And then you spoke to her. Something like, 'God Mom, you suck my cock so good...'" DeeDee colored up again and swallowed, letting out a long sigh.

"I almost threw up at that moment. As much as I wanted to be sick, though, I was even more angry. How could you guys keep a secret like that from us? If you were mother and son, what did that make me, or Anna, or Jase? I wanted to stomp down those stairs and pull you apart. I wanted to smack both of you senseless for doing something so horrible to each other...and to me."

"God, Daddy," she whispered, her eyes brimming as she recalled the scene. "I lived and died a thousand deaths in the first few minutes after I heard what you said to Mom. I just sat there on the steps and quietly cried my eyes out. Everything I thought I knew about my world went up in smoke. I didn't know who or what I was, if you or Mom loved me still, or even ever loved me at all. I wanted to die."

"But still, I couldn't tear my eyes away from the two of you. There was something about the way you were together, it was...somehow compelling in a very strange, unexpected way. And then...as I watched more, then...I started to get turned on. God, if I felt bad before, now it was a hundred times worse. I thought I was going to go mad. How could I be so repelled, so drawn in, so angry, guilty and turned on, all at the same time? I felt like I was ready to scream, cry, die of shame and cum all at the same time."

"We never sensed that you were there, Dee. Not for a moment," I said quietly.

"That doesn't surprise me, Daddy," she chuckled drily. "You were flat on your back, sucking Mom's breasts while she rode you. Her head was thrown back and both of you were totally in the moment."

"It was then that I felt Anna's hand on my shoulder. She had gotten up to see where I was and found me on the stairs. She'd been there almost as long as I had."

"She said to leave you two alone, just to be quiet and watch. You see, neither of us had ever seen anyone having sex before."

"We sat at the top of the stairs and watched the two of you make love for at least another half hour. I remember gradually becoming more and more excited to watch it, sneakily touching myself just a little, not feeling guilty any more, with Anna squeezing my other hand, keeping me in place. But mostly what I remember now was how you gave yourselves to each other. Looking back on it now, it's one of the most beautiful, joyous things I've ever seen. And when you called out to each other as you came together, as mother and son...it was, finally, a revelation. It put a stamp on my heart forever."

Tears sprang to my eyes as Deirdre revealed her thoughts to me. "Sweetheart, I had no idea. All those years, by yourself, waiting...because of us?"

"I don't feel the least bit deprived, Daddy. I've lived my life on my terms. I've taken more than a few wonderful men and women into my bed and enjoyed every minute of it, so don't you get all guilty on me, thinking that seeing you and Mom make love warped or ruined me somehow. I won't stand for it," she concluded defiantly.

"Okay, D, you win," I grimaced, waving my napkin in mock surrender. "I'm curious, though. It must have been a lot to digest, what you two saw that night. How did you work through it?"