Blurred Lines

Before I left home for the last semester of my opening year at University, my Mum & I had a long heart-to-heart. One of the last things she told me before I left was 'never put yourself in a position where you are being forced to do something you don't want to'.

I was young, I was horny, and I was fabulous.

I wanted to be kinky, and try new things. I'd already dabbled in bondage in an explosive night with a stranger whilst dressed sluttily, but now at last I thought I was ready to move on to the 'big one', and actually lose my virginity. As a gay guy, this can be a bit of a 'step'. I'm a bottom, so to have a guy fuck me for the first time was going to hurt, and I wanted to find someone who would be gentle at first but then hopefully take it a little further.

I hoped that this would reaffirm my sexuality, and by demonstrating that I could derive pleasure from penetration, give me the confidence to ignore my desire for a sex change for a little while longer.

Being an innocent, tech-savvy fresher, I automatically turned to Grindr for such an experience; at times a sweltering cesspool of Sodom and Gomorrah, it does however have its uses. I quickly found another student, and we agreed to meet up the next day. I can be quite full-on in my messages, and perhaps I should have prepared myself for the repercussions of that.

He came over at midday on Wednesday, a lovely warm afternoon, in which sunlight for once illuminated my university accommodation. The sunlight all but disappeared though, as he explained that he only had a few minutes before a meeting. For whatever reason, I found this acceptable, and I quickly stripped down to my lingerie, before the curtains closed, and the lights were extinguished. As those lights were extinguished, so was my naive, invincible innocence.

I get a big kick out of sucking cock, for whatever reason. There is something about it, whether it is the taste, the feel or maybe just the thought of it; I really enjoy having a throbbing member in my mouth. This is inevitably where we started, my hands tied together above my head, his cock buried deep in my throat as he fucked my face. He quickly began to moan in pleasure, and I was momentarily pleased that I was becoming adept at pleasuring men orally.

It was I who asked him to fuck me.

I made the decision with my head as opposed to my heart; inside I wanted to find a special guy to lose it with, however my head told me to get used to it so that I could finally come to terms with my sexuality.

He needed no second asking; he started dry-humping me instantly, and to be fair this was exciting for me.

He then produced a small sachet of lube and a condom; he lubed me only a limited amount, if at all, as I gathered from the huge amount left in the small sachet post-sex.

He wasn't especially large, I believe around 7 or 8 inches maybe, nothing massive, but still enough to be a mouthful.

However I knew all about it when he entered me; arms tied above my head, panties pulled to one side, feet up around by my ears. He pushed in relentlessly, though I asked him once to slow down and he did initially. He then pushed in further, hard, and I was in intense pain. I've broken several bones before, but this was an entirely different sort of pain; pressure, burning and stretching all rolled into one maelstrom of horrible sensations. The pain shot straight to my core; this wasn't something you could escape from. Then again, I had allowed myself to be tied up in any case. I started to moan in pain, and he finally got himself all the way in. I wasn't a happy bunny, but I couldn't do anything about it.

Then it started to get scary.

I was already terrified, loathing the experience and all too aware that I was powerless to stop whatever was about to happen. Even worse, I was alone to my fate.

I had always considered people to be intelligent enough to know that when entering someone for the very first time, you need to take it very slowly, allow them to get used to your size, before moving on. Especially when concerning the anal passageway.

He was well and truly in me up to the hilt, and instantly he started to fuck me. My sphincter had not yet adapted, and I could feel this horrendous tearing, burning sensation as he thrust in and out of my anus rapidly, building up pace. I started to moan very loudly in pain; it must have sounded like I was being murdered, as I verged on full on screaming. I could not escape. This person just continued to thrust with more and more power, pounding me. It was reminiscent of a pornographic film; I was being shaken with every thrust. He kept telling me to relax my legs, which were as stiff as boards due to the pain. He eventually manhandled them elsewhere so he could get a better purchase on my bottom, and increase his penetration.

I was getting no enjoyment from this whatsoever, and I realised that this wasn't consensual. I was being effectively raped. I had no choice, was in absolute agony, and I wanted it to stop. I was scared, nay, terrified. At no point, however, did I say no. He began to fuck me faster and faster, approaching climax, before he slowed down and resorted to pulling me onto him, thrusting slowly but with extreme power, causing me even greater suffering.

He told me specifically to 'tell me that I am hurting you'.

Not if, but that.

This person was sadistically enjoying every moment of my torment.

This can only have lasted 20 minutes at most, but my body was racked with pain, I was mentally distraught and I knew that the consequences in one form or another would last much longer than this short tryst.

It is to my utter humiliation that I resorted to asking him to 'cum on my face' in order to stop the onslaught. In his haze of pleasure as he committed his final desecration, he promised that next time he would get more violent, promising slaps and whipping.

I could barely reply 'No thanks', and I don't think he heard anyway.

He then got changed quickly, leaving me prostrate on the bed.

He told me that 'you almost cried', repeating it with almost incredulity. I did not dignify this with a response.

He left me with the worst words I that have ever had the misfortune to be uttered.

'I'm sorry for hurting you, but I just couldn't resist'.

So there I lay, in pain, humiliated, violated and hurt.

My naïve invincibility destroyed, my innocence splayed.

To complete my degradation, for some reason I moved the used condom to my chest.

I felt used, worthless and utterly debased.

My own issues beginning to throb in my mind, coated in the cum of that monster and a certain region stinging and burning no matter where I turned...

I then slept, to escape the holocaust upon my state of mind that had just occurred.

Since then, I still cannot face what has happened.

I find myself living in squalor, barely existing.

I've found that old dragon, depression, rearing its ugly head once more.

Even Suicide, that relentless old bastard, has made a few appearances again.

I cannot deal with what has occurred.

This, coupled with my current Police Investigation into Sexual Harrasment from a separate individual has left me bereft of confidence, of happiness and of love.

Questions reign supreme.

Did I deserve what happened?

Was what he did justified?

What does this make me?

In fact- Who am I?

I have no answers to offer, to help; only confusion and emotion rack my brain.

The one emotion I need to appear, however, stoically refuses to give me the relief I crave.

I can't wait to cry.