Bob Stephenson's Torture machine

"You killed Senor Mendoza!" said Achates.

"It were his Idea," Bob announced. "Yes, looks like he owes us some money after all!"

"You killed my Colonel!" Achates squealed.

"Makes you responsible for paying for it!" Bob insisted.

"Oh, yes, I suppose I am Colonel now!" Achates said as he tried to nick Mendoza's ceremonial sword.

"Look here I wrote it all down!" said Cuciola, "The confession, I tried to kill Mendoza!" he said "can I have another go on the wanking machine?" and fighting broke out as the women fought to be first to see if was as good at fucking as it was at wanking Cuciola off.

"But the Ass fuck is fucked!" Achates complained.

Bob weren't having none of that so he slacked off the steam feed to the Pincer and let Mandoza fall on the floor and stuck a bowl under the top of his shoulders to catch blood for a black pudding for tea, then him and Mavis hoiked Mendoza on to the fucking shaft and Bob agreed with Jerry to leave the clevis out.

They packed his body up level with some old benches, shoved the fucking plunger right hard up his ass till it stopped and then made sure the piston were right back and with a fanfare in steam whistle Jerry cracked steam valve open and Mendoza shot near fifty yards (45metres) across the square till he smacked into a passing French onion seller to the raucous applause of the crowd.

They pulled the fucking plunger out and tried it on the village idiot next to show it was no fluke, and then they put the clevis in and Mavis demonstrated it in eight inch stroke fucking machine mode before they shifted the eccentric crankpin for a six inch stroke, so some of the local tarts could have a go.

They shifted it to the town hall after a bit because Mendoza's body started to stink under the hot sun and any road after three months the left main bearing housing split so Bob and Jerry come home, they was rolling in cash as they charged three dubloons (7 euros) for a go thinking a Dubloon was tuppence (0.01 euros) and only found out when they tried to change the money into Geordie quids in Heaton when they got back.

So Bob gave up the fucking machines and married Dolores a good looking tart from Cadiz and bought a pub which he turned into an upmarket Brasserie/Brothel, and Jerry with his experience of Torturefuck engineering got a job as draughtsman at Heaton Ordnance factory where he developed the steam Torturefuck into the ROF /RE Torturefuck series of machines we still see in use all over middle east, except they run on compressed air now, not coal fired steam because of the CO2 emissions law.

So when you hear stories of torture, hands being crushed, blokes fucked up the ass until their spines bust, heads squashed to half width and let out again, even the mouth spreader with the reverse arms ripping folks jaws off, don't get all fluffy but think what a magnificent feat of engineering the Stephenson Torturefuck was but never forget the contribution of "Jerry" or Heinrich Shitfarter to give his proper name and that other bloke whose name I can't remember made to this magnificent and world changing series of machine.

And of course that is the origin of the word Dozy.

From Mendoza, like an abbreviation, someone really dim.

I bet that posh bint off of Countdown wouldn't have told you that from Dictionary Corner.

I got some more stuff on Torturefucks if anyone wants to read it, how to build one using hand tools and a model making lathe, where to buy the parts, drawings, assembly instructions, how to get best results that sort of thing.

If you want I could write it up maybe.

To be continued?