Boy Sells Soul to Lose Cherry

I realize I'm not a rock star but I'm not some ugly loser either, I mean I even drive a Camero. So, the question I keep asking myself is why can't I get laid. My whole life I've tried to get next to girls with no luck, my god I'm almost nineteen and I haven't even got to second base yet (not even first if you don't count the time I tripped and fell into Lucy Lipchitz' giant hooters).

It can't be genetic cause my older brother Carl gets more girls than he can handle, I mean he just walks up to a girl and starts talking and the next thing you know their going steady or something. Me, if I try to talk to a girl my tongue gets all tied up and I end up sounding like I have a speech impediment . My best friend Randolph, he gotta girl, Randy is at least as goofy as me yet he has a girl and I don't. So I asks Randy, hey how ya get a girl, and he says, I didn't get her she got me. He says she walked right up to him and asked him to go steady, course he say yeah and now he says he's hitting home runs every night.

Even when I play with myself the only fantasy I have is squeezing Lucy Lipchitz' knockers, course I didn't tell you that when I tripped into her she socked me in the jaw for squeezing her boobs (let me tell you she hits hard for a girl). Just as I am beginning to think, I'll never get laid my whole world changed. I was down at the drugstore sneaking a peek at the latest Marvel Comic hoping Mr. Abernathy the druggist doesn't catch me. As I knelt, down so I would be lower than the counter, I knocked another magazine off the stand, and as I went to pick it up, I saw the ad that changed my life.

"IF YOU DON'T GET LAID WE DON'T GET PAID" the copy screamed out to me. It was as if the ad was written just for me. I put back the comic, scooped up the mag off the floor, and purchased it at the counter. I sat at a bus bench and read the ad word for word top to bottom and then reread it again. This couldn't be, it did everything but call me by name, I read it again,

"Ever wonder why you can't get laid? Why does your brother get it all the time, how about your friend, even he getting some? It's not that you don't try, it just you need some help, maybe be some direction. Wouldn't you just sell your soul to get laid? If this sounds like you, fill out the form below and mail to 'Cherries for Brimstone' at 666 Beelzebub Rd. Devils Playground, NV. Send no money up front because if you don't get laid we don't get paid."

What did I have to lose; I sent the form in that day.

After three weeks with no reply, I realized it was just a fake ad. That I had misunderstood and taken it for the real thing was understandable, I mean who could blame me. It seemed to be crying out to me and although I did feel foolish, at least it didn't cost me anything so I just forgot about it. Then came the knock on the door, I opened it to a tall man in a black suit. The first thing I noticed was his goatee, I thought nobody wore those anymore they are so 2005, then there was that suit, it was a wool suit and on a summer day you would think he would be warm but if anything he looked like he was chilled. The man had a notebook he looked at it then said,

"Mr. Farnsworth, Mr. Rodney Farnsworth?" I nodded.

"Ah, good, Mr. Farnsworth my name is Lucifer Mephistopheles and I am here regarding the form you filled out and sent to us. Sorry it took so long to get back to you but we have a backlog. I understand you are in a hurry to have sex, is this correct? Good I'll take your nod for a yes, well this is something we can help you achieve but at a price. Do you understand? Ah, another nod, Mr. Farnsworth you are able to speak are you not, and yet another nod."

"Ye, ye, yes I can talk, it's just I had given up hope, I thought it was just a gag."

"Well it is good that you have given up hope because that is when we do our best. Ok now to get this ball rolling, so to speak, if you sign the appropriate papers our company can guarantee that you can get laid anytime you want."

That was all it took for me, I didn't even read the papers I just signed, well what I did was sign here and here and here then initialize here, here and here. Then Lucky, he told me I could call him Lucky, told me any girl I touched for the first time would beg me to take her to bed.

Oh boy did I start having sex, I didn't have to say anything, just walk up, and touch a girl on the shoulder, and she would turn around and just throw herself at me. I was driving my Camero all over town, bumping into girls then hopping into the backseat. After the first couple of weeks, I started to notice a few snags in my new talent, like it only worked the first time I touched a girl. It goes like this; I touch a girl and we have sex, I touch her again and she turns around and slaps me. Another problem you have to be careful who you touch, it's bad enough when you have to fight off ol' Clara Dingle and her mother who I just bumped into but the worst was when I touched my own mother, ugh that's just gross.

Then I met Julie, I was out in the Camero and saw her at the bus stop. I parked my car real sneaky like, and then I sat down beside her. Just before I touched her, she turned around and said, Hi and then I just said hi and before I realized it, I found I could talk with Julie. I don't know if it was because I knew all I had to do was touch her and we would have sex or if she was so great, I felt relaxed around her. She told me she hated taking the bus and I go I have my Camero parked around the corner. She goes, why you sitting here then and I go, I saw you and just wanted to meet you. I offered her a ride, she said sure, when she saw the Camero she said she loved my car. I took her to her house and all the way, we talked, it was so nice the way she laughed at my jokes and the way she kept telling me how cool my car was. When we got to her house she looked me in the eyes and said,

"Ya wanna go inside and have sex?"

I hadn't even touched her yet, of course I said sure and that was what we did. Afterwards I just knew the next time I touched her I would get slapped but no, I guess because she touched me first. Julie couldn't get enough of me, not my 'magic touch' just me.

I was in love and now my magic was becoming a problem, I didn't want other girls I just wanted Julie. I started wearing gloves all the time and that seemed to help. So I'm sitting at home one day wondering if I will have to wear gloves the rest of my life when I hear a knock on the door. Guess who's at the door, Mr. Mephistopheles,

"Mr. Farnsworth, we seemed to found a problem with your contract. Did you not read your contract Mr. Farnsworth? Oh, yes, that's right you don't speak you just shake your head no. Never the less the binding contract clearly states that you will give up your soul for the ability to entice women into having sex with you. The problem is your soul is not yours to give; it seems you had already given it up in a previous agreement. I am afraid that makes this contract null and void. Good day Mr. Farnsworth."

As I watched the contract burst into flames, the only thing I could say was,

"Oh yeah the Camero, I forgot I sold my soul to get my Camero."

So everything worked out for the best, I'm with Julie and I don't have to worry about fighting off other girls I accidently touch. As for my soul, I think I might have found a loophole. I was in the drugstore looking at comics the other day and as I bent down to hide from Mr. Abernathy, I knocked a magazine off the rack and on the back was an ad that seemed to be just for me. It said, "Did you sell your soul and now afraid of where you have to go? Come to our church this Sunday and we will show you it really is swell to stay out of hell."