Break-Up Songs

As I was putting together a play list (which for the older reader is the modern equivalent of the mixed tape) recently, I came to the conclusion that most of my favorite 'love songs' are really 'break up' songs. Upon further review, the rest seem to be 'pining for love' songs, 'afraid of love' songs, and 'losing a love' songs. At first, I thought it was maybe my favored genre of music that was the cause of this anomaly, punk rock not being known for producing classic 'love songs'. Alas, my music tastes aren't limited to just punk and the phenomenon of my preference for 'break up' songs spans all genres.

I started wondering what it says about me that a lot of my favorite songs are 'break up' songs. Does it say that I don't know what love is? Does it say I'm more comfortable with the idea of breaking up than of being in love? Does it say that I'm still full of the angst and insecurity that my generation took to new heights in the nineties? Does it merely say that I prefer the kind of music artistry that only emotional pain and longing can produce? I'm really not sure.

The collection of what I thought were love songs runs the gamut from the fleeting fling, Kenny Chesney's 'Anything But Mine', the trials and tribulations of relationships, Caroline's Spine's 'You and Me' and No Doubt's 'Don't Speak', the prospect of losing a love and the pain that involves, Garth Brooks' 'The Dance' and Guns N' Roses' 'November Rain', the horrible things two people in love can do to each other, Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow's 'Picture', fearing the prospect of love, Social Distortion's 'Angel's Wings, and the somewhat disturbing, Misfits' "Saturday Night'. I'm honestly not sure if I know what a love song truly is, or if one actually exists.

The funny thing is, the closest to truly romantic songs on this play list were punk rock songs like 'I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend' by the Ramones, 'Your Name is Tatooed on My Heart', Screeching Weasel and 'Josie' by Blink 182. None of these songs could truly be called love songs however.

I freely admit that most modern rock and roll escapes me. I know very little of pop music, what I have heard may purport to be about love, but I believe its confusing love with lust, as most of the songs seem to be about sex, not that there is anything wrong with that. The same goes for rap/hip hop. My knowledge of country music, especially modern country music is very limited, despite my listing of two country songs earlier. Jazz, R&B...no clue. Now, I do know that eighties heavy, or hair, metal produced a few true love songs, but these were simply not good songs so they're disqualified. I may be wrong, but I think that all genres of music deal with love the same way my preferred punk rock does, that is if love is mentioned at all, its in the context of losing it, fearing it, not knowing how to deal with it, searching for it, etc. I have never heard a song about being wonderfully, happily, gloriously in love, at least not in love with your current partner. If I'm wrong, I'll gladly be corrected.

Even looking back to classic rock, I see more examples of 'not exactly love' love songs than actual love songs. There's the pining for another man's wife in Derek and the Domino's 'Layla' (Okay, Eric Clapton eventually won the heart of George Harrison's wife, but this cannot be considered a love song), how hard love can be in Johnny Cash's 'Ring of Fire' and 'Love Hurts' by Nazareth, quick simple physical gratification with The Rolling Stones' 'Satisfaction', even the Beatles sappy early work was more about searching for love than actually being in love. So, is that the problem, are there no real love songs? I find that hard to believe. I believe its more likely that real love songs escape my attention for one reason or another.

So, is it an affinity for the art created by emotional torment that steers me away from real love songs? Are the 'pain of love' songs really that much better than real love songs? What does it say about me that most of my favorite songs are 'break up' songs?

I think what it says is I am afraid of love. Love is difficult. Love is losing control of your emotions. Love is putting your heart on the line with no guarantee that it won't be torn from your chest and crushed under 6" stilettos. Love is flying blind. Is this wrong? In my opinion, its normal to fear the unknown. Its normal to have trepidation on following a path, the outcome of which you have no idea. Admittedly, being in love is wonderful, but falling in love is scary. Why is it scary? Because true love is so evasive. Since high school, I've thought I was in love a minimum of 4 times. The fact that I'm still searching should tell you how that worked out.

'Happily ever after' is a myth. Ever lasting romance is a rare occurrence, divorce is more prevalent in today's society. Can I be blamed for being jaded? The prospect of starting something, wondrous as that may be, that has a good chance of ending in pain and heartache, takes a great deal of faith and fortitude. Even the toughest person has to go in with a little fear, if they have any sense at all, that they aren't as tough as they need to be.

"I triumphed in the face of adversity and I became the man I never thought I'd be, And now my biggest challenge, a thing called love, I guess I'm not as tough as I thought I was" Angel's Wings, Social Distortion.

I think my preference of songs also says I know love isn't easy. All loving relationships face their trials and tribulations. There will be pain as well as elation. So long as the good times outweigh the bad, love is worth fighting for. Couples often do hurtful things to each other, not necessarily to cause each other pain, just because people are fallible. We make mistakes. Realizing those mistakes and correcting them and working to never repeat them is necessary and vital.

"I remember a time I believed that the words love and pain were both one and the same, I'm gonna trade in my old ways for a new shot at life, I'm gonna change, change my direction, I'm gonna change my ways" Faithless, Social Distortion.

I want to find love, in spite of my fears and anxieties. I am not more comfortable with breaking up, on the contrary, breaking up is why I am afraid of falling in love. I've seen the devastating effects of love gone wrong, most notably in my own family. I strongly desire not to take the same path. I go into relationships with my eyes wide open, yet the heart doesn't always see what my eyes do. My preference of songs is merely a reminder of what I am getting myself into. It is a way for me to insulate myself from the possible pain and heartbreak coming my way.

I listen to the songs I do to remind me of the reward for the heartache I may endure along the way. It reminds me of why I am on this quest. It tells me that no matter what comes up, someone, somewhere has been through it before and I can endure. These songs tell me love is worth it.

"I'm glad I didn't know, the way it all would end, the way it all would go, Our lives are better left to chance, I could've missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance." The Dance, Garth Brooks.

Love blindsides you. You can't search for love, it searches for you. My songs help me remember that maybe. They tell me I can't look for love when it's not there. I can't force love, it comes naturally, when you least expect it.

So what does all this say about me? Does it tell me I'm jaded? Does it tell me that my anxieties and fears are shared? Are these songs there to remind me that in the end love is worth it? Maybe these songs just give me a good feeling, a feeling I most closely associate with the one the play list was intended for. Maybe 'pain' songs are far superior to 'love' songs and I'm just a connoisseur of good music. Maybe my definition of what constitutes a love song is too narrow. Then again, maybe I'm reading way to much into all of this.

I still believe in love. I still think love will find me. I have built a wall around my heart, but there is a key. I still have my 'break up' songs and my 'break up' album, 'Blue Skies, Broken Hearts...Next 12 Exits' by the Ataris. Maybe I am jaded, maybe I've witnessed and experienced enough heartache to have a growing feeling that love is fleeting and illusory. I'm travelling an uncharted road, at least I have a good soundtrack.