Brotherly Love

My parents stand over the coffin and sob in each other’s arms. I feel truly and deeply sorry for them. I wish I could make things right for them, but of course, it’s too late now. I want to give my mum a hug and stop her tears but I can’t reach her. Her desperate sobbing is painful to listen to. But it’s what you’d expect. Her only son, lying cold and lifeless in front of her. Her only daughter, gone just two months before. I’m sorry Mum. I’d come back if I could.

********

I’d always loved my sister. We’d always had a special connection that most siblings seemed to lack. Of course we had minor squabbles while growing up, over things like whose turn it was to do the washing up. We always made up though, it was never serious.

I remember when she was born. I was two years old, sitting on the end of the hospital bed, looking at my mum’s red, tear stained face and wondering what was screaming in her arms. Katherine fascinated me. I would sit by her cot for hours watching her sleep. When she cried, I cried too. I didn’t understand why I was doing it, it just seemed right. As we grew up, we played together because there was no one else around. When you live in the countryside, games mostly consist of imaginary games or hide and seek.

One day we were playing hide and seek on our neighbours farm and Katherine wandered off. I searched the fields for hours and hours, before returning home, exhausted, to find her sitting in the kitchen, eating supper. I didn’t feel angry with her. I just felt relieved that she was OK. I ran to her and hugged her tightly, refusing to let her go. She looked at me like I was crazy and pushed me away so she could continue eating. My mum had been worried about me but when I told her where I had been she said that I was a very devoted brother and Kat should be proud to be my sister. I liked hearing that, it made me feel important.

When we went to school I’d always stick up for her if she got into trouble. If anyone gave her a hard time I’d make sure they regretted it and didn’t do it again. Sometimes I’d pause from a game of football to watch her playing with her friends, and seeing her laugh would make me happy. I’d give her the chocolate from my lunchbox because I felt she deserved it more than me.

As we got older and puberty set in, we’d sit and talk for ages. We told each other secrets and gave insights to each other into the opposite sex. I learnt a lot from her about how girls thought and why they behaved the way they did. She was the reason I was always quite popular with the girls in my class, they all wanted to be my friends. When she had arguments with friends I’d comfort her and if a boy she liked had asked out someone else, I’d do something special to cheer her up. People always told us we were a very unusual pair.

And then things changed. We were both growing up. I was well into puberty and enjoyed looking at pictures of half naked girls in soft porn magazines. She was just starting to develop. Soft curves began forming on the previously boyish figure. Her cheeks became rosier and her face took on a more feminine charm. She started wearing her silky blonde hair in different styles from the normal ponytail and seemed to take hours in the bathroom every morning. She had always been a pretty child but she grew more beautiful with every day that passed and I was proud to call her my sister.

We’d both had boyfriends and girlfriends before but nothing serious. The kinds of childish friendships where you hold hands and kiss each other on the cheek before blushing and running away. Being older, I’d had a few more serious girlfriends, but nothing long term. I always preferred Katherine’s company and as soon as a girl appeared to be interfering in our relationship, I would let her go.

Then Josh appeared. I knew she liked him a lot because she was always really happy after seeing him or talking to him on the phone. When he came to the house they would be constantly touching and kissing. She saw him nearly every day and started staying out later and later just to spend more time with him. I wanted her to be happy, I didn’t want to have a problem with it, but I couldn’t help feeling like something wasn’t right. I’d always been quite protective over her and if I didn’t like one of her boyfriends I would tell her. She’d always taken my advice and found someone else. She’d just turned 18 and I was 20, but having grown up in the country, we’d both led quite sheltered lives, so this new relationship was a big leap of maturity for her.

I didn’t say anything until her behaviour towards me started changing quite dramatically. She had always had a calm, quiet persona but she was getting increasingly impatient and would get mad at me for no reason. I wanted to put it down to hormones but it just didn’t seem like my Katherine. Eventually she stopped sharing things with me. She wouldn’t tell me anything about what she did while she was out or how her relationship with Josh was going. On top of that, there was something I didn’t like about Josh. While being very attractive, there was something suspicious in his eyes. Whenever I spoke to him I always felt like he was keeping something from me. And whenever he, Katherine and I were together, he would brush me off like I was in the way. The worse part was, Katherine didn’t seem to mind.

One evening, a rare occasion when Josh was somewhere else, I confronted Katherine while we were watching TV. I told her everything that had been on my mind and asked her to seriously consider if Josh was good for her. She sat in silence while I spoke and regarded the space on the wall in front of her for a while after I’d finished. I watched her expressionless face and waited, my heart beating loudly in my ears. Eventually, she turned to me and said coldly,

“In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m not a little child anymore. I don’t need you to look after me. I am capable of making my own decisions and what I do with my spare time is absolutely none of your business. I appreciate the concern but I would also appreciate it if in future you would STAY OUT OF MY LIFE!” and with that, she ran upstairs into her bedroom and slammed the door.

I sat, stunned. Not quite comprehending what had just happened. I felt alone and rejected. Suddenly, the one person who I’d always relied on to be there for me and make me feel whole, was gone. It felt like losing a part of myself, an organ that was crucial for my survival. For the first time in about eight years, I cried. Katherine was right. She was an adult now and I had no place in her life anymore. She ignored me over the next week and I moped around the house, not really eating, not really sleeping, just feeling desolate and miserable. It was a couple of weeks after that that the dreams started. But I’m getting ahead of myself. I suppose the beginning of it all was the day I needed some money.

********

It was raining. The ground was sodden and everything was saturated from three days of more or less consistent rain. My best friend rang me and asked if I would like to go and see and movie in town. I decided to go because I needed something to get me out of the house and make me feel better. It was a 40 minute walk into town, manageable on a sunny day but unthinkable on a day like this. There was a bus coming in 10 minutes and I needed to catch it if I was going to make the movie. The problem with living in the middle of nowhere is that if you don’t have something, there’s no easy way of getting it. On this occasion I didn’t have any money. I knew that once I was in town I could get money out of my bank for the movie but I needed 80p to get there.

Katherine was upstairs in her bedroom with Josh. Both my parents were out for the day visiting friends. I frantically searched through the house, in drawers, under the sofa, in coats, in as many trouser pockets as I could lay my hands on. But no money. I was getting desperate. I shouted for Katherine. She didn’t answer. I couldn’t wait for her to come out of her room, I needed the money right then. Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t have dreamed of barging in on her, but when she had blatantly ignored five of my pleas for her to come out, I felt I had no choice.

I knocked politely and opened her bedroom door. I quickly wished I hadn’t. There she was, lying on her bed with Josh on top of her. They were kissing frantically and his hand was caressing her exposed breast. As soon as I entered they stopped and looked up, expressions of horror on their faces. Katherine screamed and pulled her top up as quickly as she could. Josh got off her and stood up, looking angry and affronted. I was so shocked, I just froze. It was all I could do to stay standing.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing??” Katherine yelled. “How dare you come marching into my room uninvited!” Josh had sat down and was now looking distinctly embarrassed. Katherine also looked very uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry!” I stuttered. “I called and knocked first. I, I just needed some money.” My voice trailed away as Katherine’s look of revulsion wounded me to my soul. “I’m sorry.” I repeated before leaving the room and closing the door behind me. I went and lay down on my bed feeling disorientated and horrified. That was something I was not ready to see. The image of her lying on the bed kept flashing in front of my eyes, vivid and horrifying. Emotions raged inside me drowning out all common sense: anger, disgust, sorrow… and something else. Something I couldn’t put my finger on until later.

I just lay on my bed staring at the ceiling until I had calmed down. I had no idea how long I’d been there but the shadows in my bedroom had grown long and the light was fading. I walked downstairs, feeling like a zombie. Katherine was sitting at the kitchen table. She had been crying. I sat down with her and she looked at me with hatred in her eyes. “Josh left,” she spat bitterly. “He was so embarrassed.” I couldn’t say anything. Sorry seemed meaningless and after all, I had given her warning. I just looked at her beautiful face, hardened in anger, until she got up and walked upstairs.

That night I lay awake for hours, tossing and turning. Eventually I drifted into a restless slumber and that was when they started. The dreams. The beginning of the end.

********

Two bodies entwined, sticky with sweat. Can’t make out who they are yet. A beautiful girl, blonde hair, pert breasts. A sigh of ecstasy escapes her full red lips. Now I recognise her. Katherine, my sister. I feel a surge of hatred and… jealousy? Yes, jealousy towards the guy with her. Is it Josh? No. Its… its me. Fuck. Why am I doing this to my sister?? I run my hand over her supple breast and feel intensely aroused. I want to feel what she’s like inside. I imagine it, soft, warm, wet. Oh God.

I wake up with a start, sweating and breathless. I have a massive hard-on, which remains until I give in and do something about it. I feel dirty and perverted. The worst part is, I’m still aroused by my dream, and suddenly extremely jealous of Josh. How could I? My own sister. My little sister who I’ve loved and protected for so many years. I don’t go back to sleep again that night.

********

The next morning at breakfast Katherine isn’t speaking to me. That’s fine by me; I can’t look at her anyway. Images from my dream flash up inside my head making me feel sick. I try to force down some cereal but there’s a huge lump in my throat that refuses to let anything past. I leave the house for school feeling confused and hungry. All day I can’t concentrate on lessons. I have to figure out a way to stop myself thinking of Katherine like… that. I think of all the times we shared together as children. As brother and sister. It helps a little, but the feeling I had in the dream still lingers on. Maybe I should talk to her. Apologise again for what happened and spend some time with her. Maybe then I’d relax and this feeling would go away.

In the evening I go and sit with her while she watches TV. There’s an electric tension in the air. Or maybe it’s just my imagination. My throat is dry and the TV’s incessant babble is driving me crazy. Eventually I gather enough strength to speak.

“Kat,” I say hoarsely, “We need to talk.” She looks at me expectantly. This better be good. “Umm… look, I just wanted to say…” I hesitate. She raises an eyebrow and cocks her head. Her eyes look beautiful when they glint with anger. Stop it! “Umm… I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to walk in on you and Josh yesterday. I did call a few times first but I guess you didn’t hear me. I wouldn’t normally have come in I just needed some money and…” I was babbling. I stopped and took a deep breath. A smile crept across her face.

“Its OK, Dan,” she replied. “Josh and I have made up now anyway, but he was really embarrassed. I was just waiting for you to apologise.” Oh. Right.

“So you’re not angry with me any more?” She laughs. She has a beautiful smile.

“Of course not. I’m glad we’ve made up, I hate fighting with you.”

“Yeah, me too. I hated it too.” I suppose I should feel some sort of relief but nothing changes. She and Josh made up? I was subconsciously hoping that they’d realise they were too young for all that and would break up. How dumb am I! Katherine returns to watching TV. She could be a model if she wanted. I wish I could touch her hair. Agh! Stop!!

That night she comes into my rooms after I’m asleep. She’s cold. She asks if she can come into my bed to warm up. I pull back the sheets and she slides down next to me. She snuggles into me and runs her hand over my back. She’s smiling as she brings her mouth towards mine and kisses me gently. Her lips are soft and sweet and her tongue is warm as it flickers in and out of my mouth. I pull her towards me and our kiss becomes deeper and more passionate. She looks intensely into my eyes and tells me she’s wanted me for months. I slide my hand under her top. Her skin is silky underneath. She strokes my penis through my boxers and it becomes rock hard. I close my eyes and sigh.

I wake up. Sweating again. Fuck! I feel nauseous. I go into the bathroom and make myself throw up. I still have a hard-on. I get rid of it and go back to bed. 2am. I lay staring at the wall for the rest of the night.

********

Two days later Katherine asks me if I want to go into town with her. She needs to buy some shoes and all her friends are busy. Not many brothers would want to go shopping with their little sister but a couple of weeks ago I would have been more than happy to go along. Things are different now. She looks a little disappointed at my hesitation. I try desperately to think of an excuse and feel beads of sweat form on my brow. She looks into my eyes for a moment that seems to stretch on into eternity and finally speaks.

“Dan?” She has a look of concern on her face. “Is everything OK with you? You’ve been acting a bit strangely lately and you’re not looking at all well. Kinda pale.” Thank God! She came up with an excuse for me!

“Well, to be honest Kat, I haven’t been feeling all that great. In fact, I don’t think I’m really up to a shopping trip right now. Sorry.”

“Oh that’s OK. Why don’t you go to bed and I’ll bring you something to eat later on.” She smiles and touches my arm. My skin tingles under her hand and I can feel blood rushing into my lap. I have to get out of there.

“Yeah. Sure. That’s probably a good idea.” I spend the rest of the day reading in my room. I’m bored but I can’t face going downstairs and seeing her again. That night I don’t sleep at all. I don’t want any more dreams.

The insomnia makes everything distant. My head is floating six feet above my body and every sound is muffled by cotton wool. I’m living in a dream and I can’t wake up. I’m not really here. I’m a shadow, a shell, a reflection of Dan. I drink coffee constantly to stay awake. I can’t let myself go to sleep because as soon as I close my eyes the dreams come. In school I can barely keep my eyes open. One day Katherine appears in my maths lesson.

She walks into the classroom in knee high boots, a short skirt and a strappy top. I wonder why she’s not in uniform. The whole class stops and stares. She walks over to my desk and tells me that she can’t wait any longer. She wants me now. I push my chair back and she climbs on top of me. She’s not wearing any underwear under her skirt and I can feel her warmth through my thin school trousers. She unzips my flies and I slide my hand under her skirt. She’s so wet. I slide myself into her. The whole class is watching but I don’t care. I can’t stop. It feels so good. She’s kissing me and rubbing her breasts against my chest. I can barely contain my orgasm. She slides upwards on my penis and I come inside her immediately. She moans my name…

“Daniel! Daniel! What’s the matter with you? I asked you a question!” I open my eyes to see Mr Hayes standing over my desk, his face a picture of annoyance. “Were you asleep Daniel? Do you have the nerve to fall asleep in my class??” I can’t think straight. Katherine isn’t there but there is a sticky mess inside my pants. Oh holy fuck. Mr Hayes is still shouting. Please don’t send me out. Please don’t make me stand up. “Go and see the headmaster NOW!” Shit. “Can you hear me Daniel? I said NOW!” I pick up my books and hold them in front of me as I leave the classroom. I hear sniggers from the other students. I make a detour to the toilets on the way to the headmaster’s office.

I arrive home to find my parents sitting at the kitchen table talking in hushed tones. They stop when I walk in and ask me to join them. I already know what this is about. The school called, Daniel. We’re very worried about you, Daniel. Are you ill, Daniel? Are you taking drugs, Daniel? What the fuck am I supposed to tell them?

“No, I’m not on drugs and I’m not ill. I haven’t been sleeping. I don’t know why. I just can’t sleep.” My parents exchange a look. They ask if I’d like to see a counsellor? No thank you. Would I like to try anti-depressants? No thank you. They eventually decide to send me to the doctor to get some sleeping tablets. I don’t want to sleep but I can’t stay awake forever. A few pills later I’m crashed out on my bed. No dreams. Just silent, peaceful sleep.

I wake up the next morning feeling a hundred times better. I eat breakfast with Katherine who seems pleased that there’s nothing seriously wrong with me. She tells me she was very worried about me and I feel pleased that she still cares even after what I’ve been doing to her. Although, of course she doesn’t know what I’ve been doing to her. Anyway, things improve over the next few weeks and even though I still catch myself admiring Katherine’s beauty, the dreams stop. That is, until the pills run out.

********

I managed to cope pretty well with the help of the pills. If I started thinking about Katherine, I’d force myself to do something else. My grades improved a bit because I found that schoolwork was a good distraction since it required concentration. I didn’t feel so awkward around Katherine anymore and although I still loathed the sight of Josh, I just avoided them when they were together. I spent lots of time out with my friends. I had a lot of fun really. Katherine seemed to be having fun too. She had a new glow to her. I tried not to think about what that might mean.

Then, the week before Katherine’s birthday, they ran out. My sleeping pills. My lifeline. I went back to the doctor and asked for some more but he told me it wasn’t healthy to stay on them for long. I had to try and get some good natural sleep. I begged and pleaded but he refused to be swayed. He suggested that if I was having bad dreams I should talk to a psychiatrist. Fuck that. I already know I’m going crazy. They’d probably put me in jail for incest or something.