But Love Is Blind....

*********************

Since the divorce was uncontested, it went through relatively quickly. Fellows had kept his word (like he had a choice?) He was gone in less than a month, his practice sold to a new physician.

Jenny had made no attempt to contact me which was a relief. I wanted to put this whole sorry mess behind me as quickly as possible. Did I grieve? Of course I did - it's not easy to move on after being in love with and married to a woman for almost 25 years. Did I have doubts about the action I had taken? No, I knew that I had no other option. So there were many nights that I just stared, unthinking, at television images until the boredom drove me to a sleeping pill and bed.

Then, on a Sunday afternoon, a few weeks after the final decree, my son showed up on my doorstep. "Hi Dad," he said as he put his arms around me and gave me a hug.

"Teddy, it's good to see you. Where's your wife? Is everyting ok?" I asked worriedly.

"No, Dad, everything is not okay, in fact it stinks and I need to talk to you. Diane wanted to come, but I convinced her to let me do this. I didn't want you to think that we were ganging up on you."

"Oh, oh," I thought. "Here it comes." I led my son into the living room and asked if he wanted something to drink. He shook his head and took a breath.

"Dad, Mom is a mess. We're really afraid for her health. She has lost too much weight and she has become a virtual hermit in the house. She told us all about her affair and has accepted the fact that the divorce is totally her fault, but you've got to do something. She's killing herself."

This is not the first time I had heard of Jenny's deterioration. Cheryl had forced me to listen to her a couple of weeks earlier. I pulled my chair closer to Ted and tried to explain my predicament. "Teddy," I began. "I could go and see your mother, but it would be futile. She would be able to tell in a second the reason why I had come. She would see that I was there not because I wanted a reconciliation, but because of the pressure exerted upon me. I could actually make the situation worse. "

"But why is that impossible, why can't a reconciliation take place? Teddy interrupted. "Dad, Mom is truly sorry. She is ashamed of what she has done. Why can't you at least try to get over this. Why can't you even accept counseling? Why are you being so intransigent."

"Son," I began. "I'll try to explain, but please, just listen and try to understand. I have given that subject a lot of thought and I'll attempt to explain to you why I feel as I do.

"First of all your mother's infidelity was not a one time event, a temporary loss of judgement, a tipsy, unfortunate mistake that she hadn't planned or anticipated. Her affair was a cold, calculated affair that had been going on for months. She knew what she was doing and the possible consequences. She also knew what the discovery of her adultery would do to me, her loving husband - how it would totally devastate me.

"There is a very good reason why a certain phrase is inserted in almost all wedding vows. It was in mine and it was in yours as well. That phrase is 'forsaking all others.' I know that it sounds trite and old fashioned, but I now understand how important those words are - how critical they are to a marriage.

"Teddy, a marriage is built on love, commitment and trust. I really don't think that anything is as sacred as the physical union between two loving, committed adults and I truly believe that that cannot be shared because sharing it minimizes that love, that bond. That which is shared becomes less valuable and less significant. When a man and a wife join they become one, a union more significant that any partnership. When a spouse breaks those vows and shares himself or herself with another, they in effect are saying that they really do not value their union with their partner. He or she is saying that the physical intimacy in a marriage is not all that important or significant, it can be shared. I cannot accept that.

"Also, it isn't just the adultery, the infidelity that is difficult to overcome. It's also the lying, the cheating, the betrayal, the humiliation that is heaped upon the unsuspecting partner, the total lack of respect shown for the unsuspecting spouse. The cheater is, in effect, saying that the spouse is stupid, deserves to be betrayed, and that their union really does not have all that much value. The cheater may not recognize this motive, but it's there just the same. I truly believe that once the trust is destroyed, the union is over. If a partner cannot be trusted, then the foundation upon which any partnership is based, is doomed.

"I know that many may view my stubbornness as bullheaded and intolerant - the bitterness of a fool who refuses to give his wife an opportunity to prove her love and loyalty. They may be right, but I can't help how I feel. I deeply feel the betrayal, the humiliation, the lessening of a sense of myself as a man and a husband. I just can't get over that, Ted. I just can't."

"God, Dad. Don't you love Mom anymore?" he asked tearfully.

I couldn't help it, tears started streaming down my face. "I still love your mother, Teddy. That's the hell that I have to live with every day for the rest of my life." I choked out.

********************

Cheryl made attempts to speak with me about my divorce. She had remained close to Jenny and was giving her whatever support she could. I quite calmly but emphatically told her that it was a topic that I didn't want to talk about. She got the message and dropped her attempts to get me to open up. Until, one day in my office........

"Jake, please don't say one word. There's something that you should know and I don't want you to interrupt me." Cheryl then took a deep breath. "Jake, Jenny is pregnant!"

I sat there with my mouth open, totally shocked. Then it hit me, I had completely forgotten about how I screwed around with her birth control pills. I hadn't really thought that what I did would prove so effective. Conflicting feelings zipped through my head. The first was regret, I really didn't want to wish this on Jenny. This news only made our separation even more inevitable. I just shook my head and sat back in my chair.

Cheryl had kept her eyes on me as I reacted to her news. She saw the shock and surprise. "Jake, you know Jenny. She absolutely refuses to even consider an abortion. She has decided to have the child and then give it up for adoption."

"Well, Cheryl. Perhaps she should contact Brian Fellows and inform him that he's going to be a father again," I replied bitterly. I was immediately sorry for that remark and told Cheryl that.

"In any event, Cheryl. There's nothing that I can do. As you know, money is not a problem - Jenny has plenty and is perfectly able to take the time off to have the baby. I wish her well."

"Damn, Jake. You have really turned into one cold, heartless bastard." she snapped at me and turned and walked out of my office.

I sat there, stunned. I'm the cold, heartless bastard? I'm the one who screwed around for months behind my wife's back? I'm the one that cut out all sex because of a made-up disease? I realized then that I'll never understand women. When push comes to shove, they band together. Well, that's good in a way. Jenny has someone upon which to lean. Good for them both, they deserve each other.

Well, over the next few months Cheryl and I managed to regain at least a semblance of a working relationship, and eventually we regained our friendship. She began to understand how dramatically Jenny's unfaithfulness affected me, how devastated I was. She had been so wrapped up in trying to get Jenny out of her depression that she had lost sight of her part in our breakup.

It was one day in my office that Cheryl told me that she finally saw my point of view. "I'm truly sorry, Jake. I had been so concerned about Jenny and what was happening to her that I completely minimized how you must have felt and are feeling. There's no question that you have been treated badly. Jenny finally got through to me how horribly she had acted. Please forgive me?"

"Of course, Cheryl. I'm just happy that Jenny has such a good friend in you. I'm sure that you're a tremendous help to her. I hope that she is coping better?" The question in my voice was obvious.

Cheryl nodded. "Yes, it seems that her pregnancy woke her up and made her realize that there was a life to lead. She is far from happy, but she's coping. I think that she'll be ok. She's considering two couples as possible potential parents for the baby. She's trying to keep busy.

I smiled, a bit relieved to hear that my ex-wife was managing, but I really didn't want to hear any more news from that direction.

Despite my feeble protests in that direction Cheryl managed, now and then, here and there, to let me know what was happening with Jenny. She was managing, but was dreadfully unhappy. She was getting through one day at a time. She was doing ok because of the baby - she wanted to be healthy so as not to harm the baby, etc., etc., etc.

I was doing the same, getting through life one day at a time. What no one knew what that I was terribly unhappy also. I missed Jenny, missed her with every fibre of my being. I actually, a time or two, thought about trying to reconcile, but I knew, deep down, that that wouldn't work. I just couldn't forget the cheating, the adultery. I knew that I wouldn't be able to get over that. That probably says more about me as a person than Jenny. Was I really a cold, heartless asshole? Doesn't everyone deserve another chance? Questions like these buffeted me - drove me nuts. Yet, when the day was done, I knew that I wouldn't be able to forget or forgive. Maybe I was a bad person after all, or just a weak one.

Everyday ended the same. I would leave work and rush home to my apartment. I would have a sandwich or something else that was moldering in the fridge. Then I would sit down with my first scotch of the day. I would watch the news on the TV and nurse that scotch. When the glass was empty I would refill it with fresh ice cubes and nurse the second scotch. Many times there was a third and occasionally a fourth. I knew that this was not a good thing. Was I turning into an alcoholic? I didn't think so, but really didn't care all that much. It wasn't affecting my work, so fuck it. It made me feel better.

I was now 50 years old and my future looked bleak. I know, I know. I have a profession, I make a lot of money, I can buy almost anything, within reason, I want. So I lost my wife, so what. It happens every day to someone, somewhere. I knew I had better stop feeling sorry for myself and make some decisions. One thing I did know, I was bored, really bored with corporate law. I went into work with my ass dragging and left the same way. I thought about shifting into criminal law. I knew that I would need some retraining. I started to really think about it. I also started to think about chucking it all and retiring. Maybe I'd take a cruise around the world. Shit, I didn't know what I wanted to do.

Chery and I continued our friendship. No, there was nothing romantic - she was just a very dear friend, to both Jenny and myself. She also remained a link between the two of us. A link I wasn't sure that I wanted, but was now reluctant to break. Cheryl continued seeing Jenny regularly, for lunch, some shopping, etc. - whatever women do.

One early afternoon, I was walking past a small eatery near my office, when I decided to stop in and get a cappuccino to go. As I waited at the counter, I glanced into the dining room and there sat Cheryl and a very pregnant Jenny. They didn't see me, but this was the first sight I had of my ex-wife since the confrontation in the hotel room. I suddenly couldn't breathe, it was as if a giant iron fist had grabbed hold of my chest. I stumbled out of the door and, as quickly as I could, made my way back to my office.

I sat behind my desk and tried to regain control of my breathing. Goddamn it, it wasn't fair. Why should I have to suffer like this? Jenny's betrayal should have extinguished any love I had for her. Why did the very sight of her cause me such pain? Shit, I was a complete mess. Was this the way my life was going to go?

For the first time since my break-up, I thought about seeing a shrink. Everyone had recommended that I do so, but I had ignored any such suggestion. I didn't think I had a problem - now I wasn't so sure. Was it actually possible that I could forget and forgive? I really didn't think so, but I also knew that I was miserable. I had to do something.

I don't know how long I sat there, ruminating. It could have been ten minutes or two hours. I looked up and saw Cheryl standing in the doorway, leaning against the jamb.

"I saw you, you know," she said quietly. "I saw how you staggered out of the place. No, I didn't say anything to Jenny, I saw no need to. Jake, you've got to do something, you're going to drive yourself crazy."

I knew that she was right. I had to do something, but I wasn't yet sure what to do. I looked up at Cheryl and she could see that I wasn't a happy camper.

"Cheryl, do me a really big favor and just let me be for awhile. I know that I have to make some decisions, and I will, but right now I need to be alone, ok?"

Cheryl nodded and left, shutting the door behind her. I just sat and stared at the closed door. I didn't know what the fuck to do. Then it came to me, I suddenly knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to get the hell away. Away from Jenny, away from Cheryl, away from the office. I needed a goddamn vacation. I know, not a huge epiphany, but real just the same.

I called the senior partner and told him that I was taking some time off. I had nothing pressing anyway and he asked when I would be back. I told him I had no idea. He chuckled and told me to have a good time. I went down, got into my BMW and drove to the nearest Lincoln dealer. Two hours later I drove out in a Town Car. It was like driving a fucking living room sofa down the highway, but damn, it was comfortable and it suited my needs at the time.

I drove home, packed a couple of suitcases, a garment bag and my toiletries. I was on the road by 5 p.m, headed south. I stopped around 10, south of Richmond, Va., got a room and went to sleep. I hadn't eaten anything since lunch but wasn't really hungry. I was up early, walked over to a Waffle House and had a hearty breakfast. Shit, I was feeling better already.

I crossed the Florida state line sometime that night, I really didn't feel much driving fatigue so I continued south and got a room off the Interstate around St. Augustine. I had a light dinner, took a quick shower and hit the sack. I was asleep in around 5 minutes.

The next day I drove into St. Augustine and was impressed. It's a pretty, little town. I went into a real estate office, asked about accommodations and rented a very nice, furnished one bedroom condo with a wrap around balcony right on the ocean. I paid for two weeks up front and was moved in by the afternoon. I went out and bought some basic groceries. I thought about getting a couple of bottles of good scotch but decided against it. I wanted my head to be clear.

I enjoyed myself, I really did. I went out to dinner every night and had breakfast and lunch on the balcony of the condo. I started jogging on the beach during the early morning and then swam in the ocean. And I thought and fought with myself. I was lucky I was able to do that silently, someone would have called the men in the white coats otherwise.

So, for about a week I sat and argued with myself, I jogged and argued with myself, I walked and argued with myself. I was miserable without Jenny, that was a given. If I somehow managed an attempt to reconcile with her, I strongly suspected I would still be miserable. I seriously doubted that I would be able to forget and forgive.

What were my alternatives? I could try to get on with my life, try to forget Jenny and how she fucked her lover in the bed of that hotel. Shit, I tried that, I was even more miserable.

Another option would be to move, move away from that region of the country. Perhaps move down here in Florida. That option looked very attractive to me. I had plenty of money, perhaps I would even get a license to practice here and open a small office. It would be easier to move on and forget.

But weren't the years together with my wife worth at least an attempt to get over her infidelity? I knew that I loved her, so why not at least give in and seek counseling, perhaps even see a shrink. Could I do that? Was it possible that I could get over her adultery? Or perhaps the easiest answer would be to just chuck it all and move.

I cursed, I swore, I sweated. I was on the horns of a dilemma, and I was tired of riding that bull. It took almost a week before I calmed down and become rational and that was when I came to a tentative conclusion about when I should do.

It was in the early afternoon when I picked up my cell phone and turned it on - it had been off since I left the office for my "vacation." I called Cheryl at the office.

"Hi Sweetie, it's me, Jake," I tried to keep it light and sweet.

There was dead silence for a couple of seconds, then she erupted. "You rotten son-of-a-bitch," she screamed. "How dare you scare the shit out of me that way. How dare you disappear without a word to anyone."

I tried to tell her that I had cleared my absence, but she just keep yelling at me. I waited until she finally ran out of breath and interrupted.

"Shut the fuck up, Cheryl. I had to get away, don't you understand that. You yourself told me I was going nuts. I just wanted to get away to think, to try to come to some conclusions. Shit, I needed to get away," I said plaintively.

Cheryl was quiet then she answered softly. "Ok, Jake, I guess I understand. We can't talk now, I have someone waiting to see me."

I quickly told her that I would call her that evening. She interrupted and said, "I'm going out for dinner with Jenny tonight, Jake. How about I give you a call after I get home, and keep your fucking cell phone on."

I received a call from Cheryl at exactly 7:16 p.m that evening. "Jake, Jake," Cheryl was breathless. "Jake, Jenny hemorrhaged at the restaurant. God, there was blood everywhere. The paramedics just put her in the ambulance. I'm following to the hospital. I'll call you as soon as I know anything. Keep your phone near you."

"Cheryl, what hospital? What did the medics say? .............." But I received no answer, Cheryl was already gone.

I paced, I sat, I went out on the balcony. At exactly 8:36 p.m., my cell phone rang. It was Cheryl and she was sobbing.

"Jake, there were complications," she managed to get out. The last words I heard, before dropping the phone, was Cheryl wailing "Jake, she's dead, Jenny's dead."