Butt Dial Breakup

"Where are you going?" she snapped.

"Right now, I just don't want to be around you," I said quietly.

And I left the room. This would give her the impression that I was upset about not sleeping with her. In actuality, I was running late for an appointment I'd set up.

The rest of the weekend, Elaine called me two or three times a day, and I didn't answer the phone or call her back. I had to be very careful not to push it so hard that she just changed her mind and came over to try and fuck me.

Sunday night I got the call I'd been waiting for. I had gone to my appointment after the argument with Elaine; it was with a guy who worked in the personnel dept. at her job. He'd gotten me Brian's phone number. Brian had, if he was on schedule gotten home a couple of hours ago. It was Sunday night and his wife worked the weekends as a nurse. That should leave my old friend Brian all alone with nowhere to go.

I dialed the number and he answered on the third ring.

"Yo Bry," I said.

"Who is this?" he answered in his whiny little voice.

"It's Cal, Calvin Baker," I said, "Elaine told me that you might be interested in attending my bachelor party next weekend."

"Well me and a couple of the guys are having a get together right now to decided where we're going and what we're going to do and we thought we needed a fresh opinion," I said. "Elaine is always talking about how great your taste is, so I thought maybe you could come out and look at a couple of places with us."

"I suppose I could make it," he said.

"Great I'll give you my address," I said.

I gave the doofus my address and told him to come on over right now. I hoped he'd hurry; I wouldn't want him to be late for his own ass kicking. Actually I had more plans for old Brian.

Brian ran right over. He parked in the lot behind my building, as I'd told him to. I liked the lot behind the building even though I would never park there. It was dark back there and there were no security cameras.

Brian got out of his car, and I walked over to him. As soon as he came up to me I punched him in the mouth as hard as I could. As my fist connected with his mouth, his head rocked back and he was spitting out blood and I think; a tooth as well.

"What the fuck is wrong with you," he sputtered out. I had trouble making out what he was saying because of all of the blood and teeth, it sounded like the teacher on the Charlie Brown cartoons.

"Blah bluh blah blah blahbluh bluh," He said as I busted him in the face again. He stumbled backwards and I unloaded one in his gut, and first he whooshed out all of the air in his body then he threw up. He started crying, and trying to crawl away from me.

As he crawled I just ran up and kicked him in his fat ass, sending him sprawling in the dirt of the alley.

"Do you want to know why I'm doing this, Brian?" I asked.

"You already know don't you? I yelled.

He shook his head, no.

"Stop lying, you piece of shit," I snapped and held my iPhone up to his face. As he tried to focus on the phone I touched the screen and the recording started playing.

Finally I got to the part where she mentioned his name, and then you could hear his whiny voice.

"I'm going to sue you for Alienation of affection, Brian," I snapped.

"But unless you help me, that'll be the least of your problems, you fat bitch," I snapped.

"I'm going to play this tape for your wife, and for the personnel director of your company," I told him.

"I'm going to need your help with something," I told him.

"When I call if you don't show up, I make two more calls and you won't have a job or a wife," I said.

And I left him there crying in the alley.

When I got home Elaine was waiting in my apartment.

"Calvin we need to talk" she said.

"Elaine I don't want to talk to you right now," I said.

"Cal, forget about the article, I made a mistake," she said.

I took off my clothes and got into bed. Elaine smiled when she saw me taking my clothes off, and started to undress as well.

"Good night Elaine," I said, "You know the way out,"

She was shocked.

"But Cal honey, I miss you, I wanted to sleep over," she said.

"Elaine, I don't think I could sleep with a woman who doesn't want to have sex with me," I said.

"But Cal I want to," she said. "That's why I'm here."

"It's too late Elaine, I don't want to now," I told her.

She started crying, and telling me it was a mistake.

"No Elaine, you made an even bigger mistake first," I said I had to bite my tongue because I almost gave it away.

"What the fuck are you talking about? Calvin," she asked.

"Look Elaine, you just keep yanking my chain, and I'm tired of it," I said.

Just give me a couple of days to cool off and maybe we'll talk then," I said.

The next day after work, I went and looked at the apartment I found on the internet.

I liked the building and the neighborhood, and of course the apartment itself, but the greatest of the fringe benefits didn't reveal itself until after I'd put down my security deposit.

As I was leaving the managers apartment, I turned and almost knocked down a woman carrying an armful of bags. As I grabbed her to prevent her from falling or dropping her bags I looked into those incredible blue eyes again.

"Thanks Cal," she said.

"No problem, Noelle," I replied.

"Are you and your fiancé, thinking about moving in," she asked.

"We broke up," I said sadly

Was I mistaken or did her smile get a little bigger?

"Oh, that's a shame," she said, "If you need someone to talk to, you can always call me."

"Why don't you come up to my apartment, so I can give you my phone number," she continued.

I was in heaven and hell at the same time. On one hand, the woman I had always fantasized about was clearly putting the moves on me. On the other hand if I did anything to take advantage of it, I'd be just as big a cheater as Elaine was.

"Noelle, I've always, and I do mean always liked you," I said.

"For most of my life, I would have given anything to go out with you," I continued, watching her smile grow larger. "But what I need right now, is a friend. So if you're interested, in that, please call me," I said and I gave her one of my business cards. It only had my work number on it, but if she called me there I could give her my cell number.

I got a call the next day from Brian, of all people.

"She wants to see me, what should I do?" he asked.

"I think you should do it," I said sadly.

"But she's never called me before, usually I'm the one," he started.

"Have her come over to your place, I'm coming over there now," I said.

I went over to Brian's house. It was a small place, but Brian and his wife had put a lot of effort into making it a home. There were nice pictures and other things all over that really added comfort, and cheerfulness and God damn it, love to the place. I felt like the biggest asshole in the world about what I had planned. Originally it was going to be scorched earth. I was going to take Brian and his marriage down with my relationship, but now I was having second thoughts.

"OK Brian," I said, "All I want you to do is just get her to talk about screwing you before now."

"If you get her to do that, we're done, and you're in the clear."

"Really?" he asked.

"Yep," I said, "You get a free pass this time."

"Elaine has had her cake and ate it too, for a long time," I continued.

"The only person who loses here is me," I said.

"But you get...," he started.

"Yeah, I get a measure of revenge, but I'm losing a woman that I really loved and wanted to marry. I somehow don't think that 15 minutes of shocked faces and yucks, is a good trade." He nodded in what I actually believed was sympathy.

"Look I don't want to be here while you guys have your fun so if you'll excuse me, I'm leaving before she gets here," I said.

A couple of hours later Brian called me to come and pick up the tape. As I watched it, I saw that if I wanted to go through with my new plan and keep Brian out of it, it would need to be edited.

I had a friend from work who was always putting videos on You Tube and other places. I knew that he could help me do it, so I called him. Even though Brian and Elaine didn't have sex in the video, because he couldn't get it up, it was very damning on Elaine's part. It gave me everything I needed.

"What a fucking bitch," George said as we took out all of the shots where Brian's face was visible. It's very easy to say things like that when you don't know the whole story, so I let it pass. Did I feel sorry for Elaine? Maybe I did, because I could see what George couldn't. Elaine had, as Brian said never called him for sex before. It was always him calling her, as it had been that time in the hotel room. She had been driven to it this time by the way that I was treating her.

Ever since she got back from her trip, I'd been distant, and scheming. Maybe all she was looking for was a little bit of affection from another human being, while she was in pain. I couldn't and never would, condone her original cheating on me, but this one I could understand; at least I could see the context under which her actions were decided.

On the other hand, I wasn't one of those wimpy guys, who could ever put up with being cheated on. I had never cheated on her, and if we had gotten married, never would have, and I deserve the same kind of respect. So I had to go through with my plan.

The day after her session with Brian, I had just gotten back from moving a lot of my stuff, from my old apartment to the new one, and found Elaine in my apartment waiting for me. She was crying and she really looked bad. As I walked in she just came over to me and wrapped her arms around me bawling her eyes out.

"What happened to us?" she cried.

"I keep going over it over and over again in my mind, but I can't figure it out," she said.

"I know that at least in part, I'm responsible for it," she continued."Because I was the one who read that stupid article. My dad always told me, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it. But I was so sure that the experts couldn't be wrong," she said. "I just wanted to give you the best honeymoon ever."

"I didn't want you to get tired of having sex with me," she said quietly. "Mostly because what we have is so special."

"I haven't had a whole lot of relationships in my life," she said quietly.

"I know I'm pretty but I'm not a raving beauty like your friend Noelle," she said.

"I know my ass is huge, but you seemed to like it," she said.

"So I really thought that we were perfect for each other," she said.

"I love you like nothing else I can even think of," she added, very seriously.

"But now, I'm not even sure we're going to get married," she said with a hitch in her voice.

"And all because I didn't have sex with you, so I need to ask you a question," she said.

"Do you really love me, or do you just love fucking me?" she asked.

"Because I love you, fully, all of you, every little personality quirk, and nasty habit," she said.

"I want to marry you and have your kids, and spend the rest of my life with you," she said as my heart broke again.

"But I need to know, how you feel about it," she said.

I just pulled her to me and hugged her tighter. At that moment, I truly loved her more than I ever had before. And maybe I was becoming more mature, more accepting, but I felt awful, because I realized that there could be no happy ending here. I truly believed that Elaine really did love me, very much, and I loved her too. But there was just a barrier here that we couldn't get through, and it was an important one.

The honesty barrier, Elaine just couldn't stop hiding the truth, which was in a way lying. She couldn't just come out and say,"Cal, I cheated on you, I'm sorry, it'll never happen again,"

I also couldn't tell her that I knew about her cheating, and ask her why it had happened, so we could try to work this out. I also wasn't lying to myself, because no matter what the reason was, it would never be enough. I had too much pride to put up with having a cheater for a wife.

Perhaps in many ways those wimpy guys got it right, maybe they were strong enough, or weak enough to put their love for their wives ahead of their pride. But I just was not made that way.

The day before our wedding, Elaine came over and she really looked beautiful. Maybe not Noelle, unearthly beautiful, but as someone who truly loved her, she took my breath away. As she ran up to me, and hugged me, I felt her small breasts flatten against my chest. I couldn't help it, I let my hands slide down her body and grabbed that ass and just pulled her into me.

"Oh God I've missed that," she said lustily.

"But just you wait baby, in just over twenty four hours you'll be back inside me," she said.

I kissed her and smacked her on her ass for the last time as she walked away from me.

The next day the church was crowded as I walked in, not from the back but through the front doors with all of the other invited guests. Out of respect for the event I wore a suit, and a nice one, but not the tux I was supposed to get married in.

I guess someone must've told Elaine that I was there because I could see her nervously peeking out from behind the curtain, and then smile. I guess maybe she hadn't noticed who I was with, or what I was wearing.

I saw her parents and waved at them, I could tell they were puzzled, by what I was doing and wearing. After all I should be standing up front with the pastor, not sitting in the third row with Noelle.

And Noelle was definitely on. Every guy in the place including my dad had nearly stopped breathing when they saw her. I almost laughed out loud when my mom grabbed dad by his chin and made him stop looking at her.

Then they played the wedding march and Elaine, looking really great proceeded down the aisle to the pastor, who was as puzzled as everyone else.

When she got there, she turned around and looked at me and said,"Honey, get up here."

God, I wanted to go, but I just frowned a little and shook my head. That's when I pointed my remote control towards the front of the church. As everyone watched I pushed the button and the screen we had set up behind the pulpit dropped down.

I pushed another button and a slideshow started. There were pictures of Elaine and me, through out our relationship. Us hugging during our first ski trip together; us kissing at a picnic, and doing all kinds of things together.

As the slides continued the audio kicked in and everyone heard Elaine's phone conversation with Brian at the hotel. There were a lot of shocked faces, including her parents. Then the video of Elaine's meeting with Brian at his house started. Everyone watched as she took off her clothes, and tried to get him aroused, she even sucked his dick but to no avail. And when he told her it was over, that he couldn't cheat on his wife anymore, she had gotten angry and told him, that she controlled, and decided what happened with them and it wasn't over until she, said so.

That part was really important, because it was the part that I had shown the HR coordinator at her job. They were settling out of court with me for failure to enforce the morals clause in her contract. Monday Elaine would also be notified that she was terminated and being sued, by her former employer.

Brian being the one, who appeared to be the victim, was as I promised him, given a pass this time. The ass beating I gave him was his only punishment. He got off really cheaply, all things considered.

Elaine looked at me, she was horrified, "I can explain," she said.

"No need," I replied. I held out my hand and Noelle put hers inside it and we left the church, as Elaine exploded into tears, and everyone else just didn't know how to react.

Noelle and I got into the waiting limo and left the church. We had both packed bags and I had removed Elaine's bags from the limo's trunk earlier. The limo driver took us down to the docks, and we boarded the ship for the cruise that Elaine and I were supposed to go on for our honeymoon.

All that day, Elaine tried to call me. Finally just as the ship was leaving the port, my cell phone rang again.

"It's her again," said Noelle.

"Answer it before she leaves a message," I said.

"Hello," said Noelle, cheerfully, "He's right here."

"Hello," I said after she handed me the phone.

"Cal, can we please talk about this?" asked Elaine.

"What is there to talk about Elaine?" I asked.

"You cheated on me, multiple times," I said.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"No Elaine, you're sorry I found out that's all," I said.

"If you had really been sorry, you would have been honest with me," I said.

"If you had, maybe there's the possibility that we could have worked this out," I continued. Just then the ships horn boomed in the background.

"Where the fuck, are you?" she snapped.

"I'm taking the cruise that you booked for our honeymoon," I said.

"We wouldn't want it to go to waste, but just so there's closure all around, I'll call you when I get back and we can talk about all of this," I said as I hung up the phone.

During the cruise, Noelle and I became an item. We had a lot of sex, and everyman on the ship was jealous of me. I on the other hand couldn't wait for it to be over and for us to get back home.

The cruise was only for two weeks, but during those two weeks I learned a lot of things, about myself, women, love and life in general.

On the surface it seemed like I had it all, I had the hot, beautiful, girl on my arm; I had gotten rid of the cheating girlfriend in a big way. The scene at the wedding caused nearly all of our friends to turn away from Elaine. She also lost her job, and was being sued by her former employer. She was responsible for nearly all of the costs of the elaborate wedding we had, including the cruise that Noelle and I took. So as planned, I got my revenge.

But it was a hollow victory, and to quote Cher, "if I could turn back time," I'd have done everything differently.

As I'd realized before, there really couldn't be a happy ending here.

Noelle really did love me, which was part of the problem, she clamped down on me, and I knew she'd never let me go. I was apparently the first guy in the middle for her. All she'd ever run into were the super confident ass hole guys, who looked at her, saw how beautiful she was and claimed her as if she was a trophy. They fucked her, and then ducked her as they moved on towards their next conquest. On the other hand the nice guys were so intimidated by her that they just never asked her out.

She'd been my fantasy for as long as I could remember, and that was the problem, no flesh and blood woman could ever live up to that fantasy. After a few conversations with her on the ship, I started to notice that she was truly as sweet and loving as I'd always dreamed she'd be, but that she didn't really have a lot to say. I started finding myself bored with her long before the cruise was over.

Sex was also not what I was expecting. I was so intimidated by her presence and her body that I never made a move on her. It was actually her who started us up. One night we'd gone back to our cabin, after another evening of every fucking guy on the ship staring at her, and drooling over her. They also stared at me; half of them thought that I must have a dick like a foot long beer can. The other half of them thought I was a multibillionaire. There was no other explanation, why "She" would be with "Me".

When we got back to the cabin, Noelle gave me what has to be the worst blow job in history. It was so bad that I had trouble not laughing. I know most of us have heard the expression there's no such thing as a bad blow job; take it from me there is.

Then she took her clothes off, and lay down beside me on the bed. She pulled her legs apart and just stared at me. It was like fucking a blow up doll, a cheap one. The ones' without the voice track. She just lay there and smiled. We did one position, missionary, and that was it; after I came she rolled over and told me she loved me.