By the Numbers

Hooray for numbers, and more than just 69. Give me eleven other bitches in one room, mix in three bottles of wine, a couple of snorts of straight rye and I can put the U.S. Census Bureau to shame when it comes to collecting data. All it took was a little buzz, a little encouragement and the ladies would tell everything they knew. Give me a pad and pencil and the next thing you know I've got a scientific study of the good times that are our lives. Baby doll, pop the cork on another bottle, it's sex by the numbers.

Make no mistake, this is not how the evening was supposed to go. It was the monthly Ladies Book Club that sort of got hijacked. That's what happens when Ashley decides to saunter in twenty minutes late, blouse mis-buttoned and a sucker bite just barely showing. It was just natural Holly, our senior member who has no inhibitions whatsoever, would rag on the poor little thing. Only natural, I the Literotica scribe would run with it. I mean a girl could always leave. Leave or make it laundry night. By the time these bitches got done, it wasn't just airing out dirty laundry, there was nothing left in the hamper.

Actually a couple of the ladies didn't know I record laundry on line, at least not when this erotic jam fest began. They quickly learned, logging on Jen's computer and brining up the past for me and a few others. Yes, ladies, I am such a bitch. Indeed, my dear female consorts, I have done of that which I write. Most definitely this was all going to be fair game and all are so advised. I really expected a duck and cover, the room soon to empty. Jesus, the bitches passed the bottle around one more time and told me to get to it.

Having been appointed Recorder, I jotted down a few basic facts. Twelve women, age 30 to 67. Eight married, two divorced, two never involved for more than six months at a time. Of the married eight, four had been married twice, two three times and two of us still with Number One. With that the first question just seemed so obvious. How many of the ten who had said "I do," gave it up to the husband?

Gasps, shrieks and beet reds play so well, even if Holly required clarification. Indeed, we are talking hymen, ladies. Gave up between the legs to the guy we married. I was surprised, six out of ten. Definitely not on the wedding night, only Wendy did that, but husband got the grand prize most of the time. The rye was working well, I just had to know bed or backseat?

They went crazy on that one but at least all could be a part of the survey. Not surprised was I to find out ten of twelve between the sheets, eight of them in our bed, the other two in his. Not a single motel at all, despite what the films say. Even preacher's kid Ashley had given it up in a bed, that really surprised me. Of course Lisa doing it in a cabana on the Jersey shore for firsts got all kinds of hoots, almost as much as Jill across a library table. Real class, that guy but since we're talking guys and Holly had wanted that clarification, who gave hubby her first piece of ass?

What can I say, I'm honest, I write for Literotica when the mood hits me. Mine got it though he had to wait until he turned fifty. He still does but he's got to get me drunk to tolerate it. Sue, she enjoys it, Ashley too but she didn't count in the survey, not being married. Of all the rest, only Holly and Lisa said they'd even tried it and then it was only once. Most of them never will, good for them but I know they had to feel different about something else. Come on ladies, be honest. Who's husband got her first blowjob?

Talk about turning the tables, it was my turn to be the stunned one. Sue and Lisa never had? To anybody? Wow, I had to think on that one, the art of the blow something I thought every woman wanted to give to her true love. That was kind of a loaded statement there, me implying to the girls I gave them but not to husband. I guess I didn't need to feel bad, Holly and Jill the only two who actually lost the mouth cherry to the husband. Maybe I wasn't that great of an interviewer, missing an obvious question as we worked our way to getting toasted. I never would have even thought of it until Ashley let it slip and I had to backtrack. No other way to put it, my dear ladies, first pecker was between the legs, wasn't it?

The majority rules it was but only by the thinnest of margins, let me tell you. Jill, Wendy, Becky, Anne, Marsha, Betsey and me are traditional, I guess. For Sue it was through the back door but the rest, on the knees was first. I was stunned, not as open as I thought apparently, but Ashley did make a small point of correction, she wasn't on her knees, she actually crawled up on his bed and got it that way. That drove the ladies wild, the little animal. Might as well go with the flow, dear hearts, as we speak of animals. Back to first night, who got it more than once?

A perfect score, twelve out of twelve. Not one of us and I am totally serious, even if I needed another shot to digest all this. I honestly I thought I was unique, Denny busting me up and splitting but not so. Every single one, back door, knees, on our back, got one time and that was it, leaving us to wonder what we were doing wrong. Men are men, don't get us wrong, but somewhere there had to be a stallion in the mix. Please, my literary consorts, we have been done by a stallion, haven't we?

More squeals, more blushes and a call for definition. The stallion, the man who does us more than once in a session, simple to me. Further definition was required, time frame please. One night? 24 hours? One weekend? Ladies, please, I am only the reporter, let the group decide. Hooray for numbers, hooray for alcohol, the bitches wanted all three. Jesus, and I thought only men bragged.

Our champion, winner of the overnight award, my best friend Wendy, her first multiple a long lost love who pleased her five times. Close seconds to Holly and Betsey, one more to have matched the record. In one complete rotation of the clock, let us all applaud Anne, informing her husband of their first child by being rewarded with ten enjoyments until he couldn't walk any more. The weekend, Wendy repeats but I was ready to let it go with just the number knowing how it came to pass. She nodded me on though, if I wrote about it, she was ready to talk about it. Sorry, ladies, do not mean to make you cringe but...... But.... Well, anybody else have a brother involved?

I'm the writer, I'm the one who admits all my secrets on the web and I'm pretty open minded but I'm still uncomfortable with some issues, that's a fact. There were a couple of others as well, Betsey and Jill, but everybody else seemed to accept some things happen, some things don't. Out of the twelve of us, indeed two had been banged by a brother, two others giving a blowjob. What really surprised me was seven, more than half, had been felt up by a sibling, hand on bare boob, Jen actually letting him suckle her. I was ready to let it go but poor Marsha just had to put an idea in my head when she wondered if it had to be a brother, wouldn't a sister count too? The alcohol was working was all I can figure. I had to wonder if anybody else ever did this...... and I kissed Wendy on the lips.

We're not lesbians, please. We're best friends plus, that's the best way I can say it all. She and I have never "done it" with each other or any other woman. I guess I wasn't real surprised Ashley had kissed another woman. Marsha, I guess I wasn't surprised either. I will admit I was a little taken back Holly has in fact gone all the way with another woman but biggest shock of all, she was the only one. Despite what a lot, and all of our, guys want, we really don't run around waiting to do girl on girl action. Where we get action, now that did about flip my wig.

Not a single one of the ladies admits to belonging to the mile high club but four of us have been to Davy Jones locker. The other eight really went wild on that, us screwing on a boat but facts are facts. Come on, you bitches, I even put out in a cemetery one time, top that. No problem not among this bunch. The back room of a burger joint, Holly and Lisa both while it was open for business. In a bank, Marsha, back in the vault. Jen, stark naked on a washing machine at a laundry. Ashley got done in a hay mow and Sue, on a church pew, for Christ's sake. I said that, the ladies going berserk laughing at the slip. Laughing so hard I just had to wave surrender. No more, let's get back to Steinbeck, please. Forget that, the floodgates had opened and everything became fair game.

OK, who's done it without taking off a single piece of clothing? My God, four of them and they all laughed. Who got knocked up by accident? Six of us, me under the Christmas tree. Give me another shot, Betsey had her accident at the drive-in. Jesus, some do go at it in cars after all. What the hell am I thinking? Marsha put out in the back of a pickup. Ashley too, several times. Holly gave a blowjob as he drove down the road. Oh hell, that's nothing, Jill gave one with their daughter in the kid seat behind them. Who had to get married? Two, less than I thought. Who's had a monster? Time for definition.

Monster, that male appendage that makes a woman blush and tell him from her heart that he's huge, not just stroking the ego huge. Well, what do you know, I'm a lucky girl, yes ladies, I have indeed had a true nine. Nine inches, fact, 'cause I measured it. Yes, I'm a bitch but God, he is huge. Ashley's "bigger than a king size Snickers" was nothing compared to that. Big things do come in little, little packages. Right about then I realized what I'd said.

Well ladies, there it is, you all know my husband Denny. You know, the one who is 6'2." Yes ladies, I've got one on the side and I have had for eleven years. He's the one who got my first blowjob. He's the one who took me to the locker. I almost started to feel the first pang of guilt and the expressions around me made me stop. Jesus Christ on the cross, they all do. Every.... Single.......One of us.

I laughed until my ribs hurt and thought I was going to hurl. Us, the gray hairs and the fluffy young things, every single one of us have something on the side from our beloved. Hell, even the single girls, even Wendy who's doing my brother, will still go back to a past lover with a single phone call. Yeah, we've got morality, no we're not sluts, but God, for one night we were all so real. Quite a bit to think about, once I sobered up.

It was well into the next afternoon before the headache had gone and I sat down to make sense of the babble I had for notes. If this was some kind of scientific survey of random polling, certain truths would be beyond belief. It would be like saying of the next ten women who walk down the street, every one of them is sexually experienced and has a man on the side. Can't be, there must be virgins out there and every woman I see doesn't grin, obviously nothing on the side. Not one of them has ever been done more than once her first time, too difficult to believe. Only two have ever had a monster? No way. Five of the next ten have had some sort of interaction with a brother and one has with another woman? No, not true. Only four have gone back door, maybe. More than half done in public? Wishful thinking. Can't be, obviously my survey is flawed, this was just a bunch of drunken women babbling.

Then again............. I have read a lot of Literotica............. Me, the gray haired granny who got naked in a cemetery with my lover......... Nah, all women aren't like that...........

The hell we're not.