Castaway Ch. 01

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Black med student gets shipwrecked.
1k words
3.93
62.6k
37

Part 1 of the 7 part series

Updated 09/22/2022
Created 06/11/2013
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jaz479
jaz479
101 Followers

Hey everyone, this is just the edited version of the series that I have been writing. There is a name change, if this is your first time reading, don't worry about it, if not, the new name is Ali. If you have been following along, I'm just reposting the edited versions, then I will post the newest installment, chapter 6.

Thanks!

*

"Finally, I am officially on vacation!!!!

Jasmine squealed as she boarded the luxury cruise with her tickets and luggage. At 5'7", Jasmine was a slim yet curvy 26 year old med school graduate. With long wavy natural hair and toffee colored skin, full lips and expressive almond shaped eyes, Jasmine though she was attractive, but not enough to realize the hungry stares that followed her where she went. Even now she didn't realize the stares she garnered as she walked onto the mostly Caucasian ship. In her mind, she went to school with white people, college and medical school, so to be the only black girl was not a surprise.

"Here are my tickets" She said, handing them over to the check in station.

"OK Miss Jasmine you're on the second floor, room 8001."

"Thank you" She replied and made her way to her room.

After exiting the elevator, she walked down the hall, scanning the doors for her room. Having found it, she pulled her key out and tried to open the door.

"Hey! Who's in there! This is my room that I paid for.."

The door was yanked open and a man in a towel stood, looking just as pissed. His abs heaved as though he had run from the shower... which he had, and his short military cut still gleamed with water. His dark brown eyes glared at her.

"I paid for this room, Lady, go back to the front desk!"

Momentarily stunned by this gorgeous, half naked and wet man, Jasmine stuttered a reply.

"I..I paid for this room, 8001,"

"Sorry lady, this is room 8002, your room is right there!"

He pointed at her room across the hall.

"Oh, my bad I'm sorry" She sheepishly replied and smiled.

Ali's mind went blank as he processed that she was actually quite beautiful when she wasn't trying to break his door down. Then he realized he was half naked.

"It's no problem, I have to go" He said unintentionally slamming the door.

Well sorrrry! She thought walking to her room. Sitting on her bed she decided to take a nap before unpacking her stuff.

By the time I wake up we should be in Cancun!!! She thought and slowly drifted off to sleep.

********************

Captain's deck 23:00 Hours

"Hey captain, are you sure you can take the night shift?" The first mate asked.

"Boy! This is my ship and I've been running this cruise for 18 years. Go be with your wife since it's your honey moon. I'll be fine. And lock the door on the way out too."

"Ok Captain, call me if you need me" he said as he left, locking the door with an audible click.

Captain's deck 00:00 hours

The captain sat, watching the course the ship was set on, listening to a steady stream of information through his headset. The inside of the captain's ear began to itch, so the captain took off his headset and reached to scratch it.

"AAAAAGH!" He yelled as a sharp pain ran through his chest.

Clutching his heart, the captain fell to the floor, accidently hitting the mast and setting the cruise off course and altitude.

*************************

Oh this margarita is beautiful. Jasmine thought in the midst of her dream, sitting in cancun on the beach. Why do my feet feel wet, I'm at the bar not the water. Jolting awake, Jasmine realized water was rising in her bedroom up to her waist. She struggled to leave the room with furniture blocking the door.

"HELP! HELP ME!" She screamed.

In the hall, Ali struggled to push through the people rushing towards the stairwell. He distantly heard someone screaming for help, and realized it was coming from room 8002.

"FUCK! This girl will be the death of me" He mused as he went to go help. He tried to push the door open, yet was unable to.

"Hold on, I have to break the handle. Move as much stuff out the way!"

Jasmine complied moving as much as she could, then seeing the problem, and errant towel jammed under the door, she removed it and open the door, just as Ali rushed towards it, and instead hit the desk.

"AAAAGRGH!" He groaned as his felt the pain from his dislocated shoulder.

"Sorry, I'm so sorry, but we have to go now!"

She helped him up and they ran into the hall to find it empty. As they ran upstairs to the main deck they realized that everyone had already left on the safety boats. She grabbed a life jacket and put one on him then tied them together.

"Can you swim!!!" he yelled over the creaking of the sinking ship"

"Yes, but my shoulder is broken"

"Ok, well just hold on to me!" She yelled as the water rushed up to meet them. The frigid water engulfed them, momentarily covering their heads.

"Wrap you hurt arm around me and help me paddle with your good arm. " He groaned in response.

They swam like that for hours until the sun rose.

"Hey I see a beach over there!" She yelled.

Ali bobbed his head, his eyes glazed over and his body shaking. Jasmine swam them towards the shore and removed their jackets. Ali was shivering and his arm was at a weird angle.

"I'm sorry, but this is going to hurt!" She warned before she brutally jerked his arm into the socket. He screamed in his sleep thrashing around until the pain subsided. Jasmine looked around, realizing she was alone with a sick man on a deserted island. She quickly built a covering with palm tree leaves, and after removing their clothes to dry, she fell asleep with him in her arms.

jaz479
jaz479
101 Followers
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AnonymousAnonymousalmost 11 years ago
don't stop

I like your plot very much though you could explain how jasmine knows Amar and work on your character's to make them more interesting. so besides details I loving your story and can't wait for the rest you should try doing it from your character point of view so us readers can connect with them. *0* till next chapter

jaz479jaz479almost 11 years agoAuthor
To my readers

Once again, thanks for the feedback. With the second and third chapters i am trying to clear the air on some of the confusion and slow down the pace. I appreciate the constructive criticism, and have incorporated it into my second chapter which i just submitted. Also please remember that this is a fictional story, so to be extremely rude is ridiculous seeing as this story is an extension of my imagination and not me lol.

Hope you enjoy reading!

ladiebrowneyezladiebrowneyezalmost 11 years ago
Maybe

I like where you're going with this, BUT i don't know how she knew his name and you mixed up hers and his lines a bit. but..I like this castaway thing it happened so fast but eh.. keep it up, maybe the second chapter would be better. and please describe this Amar person a bit more the only think you said was he has short cut military hair and dark brown eyes. come on i need more details, but yeah great start now ima go look for some castaway stories since you only have 1 chapter

CoCoNiy101CoCoNiy101almost 11 years ago
Good start!

Not really liking Jasmine, she comes off a little self centered, but maybe I'm hating lol. So I'm going to suggest you focus of developing your characters. I think you lacked in that area because everything was so rushed. It seemed like within two paragraphs she met Amar and then they were suddenly on an island. The errors aren't too bad, an editor or triple read through would fix that. But, I can't wait to see where you take this.

Another thing,

I am so tired of people being so rude on here! There are other ways to make suggestions rather than insulting someone's intelligence in one sentence. Please don't let them get to you.

ThatSavageLadyThatSavageLadyalmost 11 years ago
Um....

So I think your story has a hell of a lot of potential but you need to find yourself an editor. Also you have to do some research in order to make your story understandable and clear. The way it is now leaves a lot to be desired but I don't think you should let bad reviews stop you. Just be willing to make Google your best friend while you're writing. And if you can't find an editor proofread the crap out of it before you try to post.

This needs abit of work but I think you can do it.

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