Child of Adultery

It was five years later that disaster struck. First, my father got sick and died after a short illness. The doctors told us it was cancer and that he had known about it but never told us; not even mom. She was devastated by the loss and soon after that she fell ill. I watched her die slowly, not even trying to get better, not being able to take the loss of my father. While they had never regained the loving relationship they had before I got sick, she did everything she could to show him that she loved him and he tried to love her back. She stayed and fought for their marriage and he understood what she was doing, but it was difficult for him, a deeply proud man, to forgive her. She talked to me once when she knew she didn't have much longer to live. We were talking about dad and she told me about his moving back.

"Your father moved back home with us because of you Mike. He told me what you said about thinking it was your fault. That almost killed him and he said it was selfish of him to take the easy path of running away. He said we had to try for you and the others. He wanted to forgive me but he was a proud man and I had hurt him deeply. After a while, he slowly started to forgive me, but he never forgot. I knew it but I took what he was able to give. At the end, we were actually happy again."

She had a smile on her face and tears in her eyes as she told me these things. I remember the last thing she said to me.

"He tried so hard Mike, but it was years before I could look in his eyes and not see my failure reflected back at me. The day he died, his eyes were filled only with love and I knew some it was for me. Your father loved me in the end."

She died soon after that and we buried her next to him where she wanted to be. I hoped that they could start over in heaven; they both deserved a fresh start.

I hoped that things would return to normal after two tragedies in a period of less than fourteen months, but as they say, bad things come in threes so I waited for the last shoe to drop.

Marilyn was at home with all three of our kids and they were doing fine. Our lives seemed to be on track when the last of the three bad things happened: my son Larry developed leukemia. It was slow and we had little warning that anything was wrong. He was diagnosed when he had a bleeding spell that couldn't be stopped. He was too far along for much to be done but the doctors did start chemo and he did improve slightly, but it was clear that a bone marrow transplant was all that could save him. With a brother and sister, it was a good chance that one or both of them would be compatible. We had them tested and held our breath.

Now you may see where this is going Reverend. I told you I had a secret and that secret is now coming back to haunt me. I survived with a kidney from a donor not of my family since I had a different father than my siblings. That made a kidney donation from one of them an unlikely choice. The secret remains with me to this day, but now my son is in trouble for the same reason: I am not his biological father! As Rodney Dangerfield once said, "it's like déjà vu all over again."

The doctor who would do the transplant on my son called me in after the tests to tell me that Larry was a biological match to Paula. He said that it was required by law that he tell me that Larry and Paula were full siblings to each other but not to William. All three had the same mother but only William had me as a father. He was very clear about it and told me in no uncertain terms that all he cared about was finding a match for my son. Paula could be used, and while he was satisfied with the match, he wished he could have had another possibility. I left his office in shock.

I went home where Marilyn and the kids were eating dinner and told them that the tests hadn't come back yet. Marilyn was a little angry at the delay but I told her that we could discuss it later. She agreed but wasn't happy. Neither was I but the delay wasn't the reason. We finished out the evening, sent the kids off to bed and then I asked Marilyn to come into the den with me to talk. She grumbled about the time between sampling and testing but did follow me in. I shut the door just to be sure we weren't overheard by the kids.

"Why are you shutting the door? Is it bad news? Oh God Mike, don't tell me it's bad news about Larry. Please God, not bad news." She was upset but so was I. We just had different reasons.

"The news is bad Mari, but it's not about Larry. I got the results of the testing on Paula and Bill. Larry is a perfect match to Paula so Doc Rice is pleased with that and plans to use her. William wasn't a match." I waited for her response.

"What do you mean, he's not a match? Aren't either the brother or sister the best possible match? Why would Paula be a match but not William?"

I looked at her and saw that she didn't have the first clue. She carried another man's child and never knew it? How could that be? I shook my head and continued.

"I am Bill's biological father, but Paula and Larry have a different father." There! I said it without screaming or yelling or crying.

"What the hell are you talking about? Of course you're their father. That makes no. . . ."

Her words just faded away and she got the strangest look on her face. She just stared at me for a second as what I said to her sank in. Her face was confused at first, then when she understood what I said, the blood seemed to drain away leaving her skin a pale, translucent white. She began to shiver and her arms went around her body like she was freezing. She began to rock forward and back, her head moving from side to side, trying in vain to deny my words.

I waited for her to say something but instead she ran out of the room and up the stairs, the slamming of the bedroom door announcing where she went. I remained where I was, my own feelings finally coming home to roost. Her reaction was the catalyst that fueled my anger. Up to this point I had been functioning on instinct and fear for my son. Now I had the luxury of time to feel the anger that had been suppressed. Now it burned within me and I let it go, relaxing as it took hold. I needed to feel this now, tonight, here in the privacy of my home because I would have no time later as I tried to support my son. His life was important to me and only his life: mine and Marilyn's of little consequence now. Maybe later I could submit to the other emotions that were waiting for me, but now I only felt the anger.

I went upstairs to the spare room and closed and locked the door. I stripped and lay on top of the covers, sleep coming slowly. I was still feeling the remnants of the anger that I felt after telling her but it had subsided and now all I had left were the embers, with just enough heat to keep me from sleeping. Just as I was finally drifting off to sleep, I heard a soft knocking on the door and Marilyn's voice asking me to open the door. I ignored her request and let sleep claim me.

The following morning, I waited until I heard the kids awake and downstairs. Marilyn would be fixing breakfast for them and I used the time to wash up and get dressed. I went down and saw her standing beside Paula's chair, buttering her toast. She looked terrible and for some reason, that cheered me. I said nothing to her and watched as the kids got ready for school. The bus would pick them up in front in five minutes. I used that time to pour a cup of coffee and pop in a couple of slices of toast. Marilyn watched me but remained silent as well. Finally the kids were gone and the bus left.

"Michael, we have to talk. You have to let me explain what happened and how this could be."

"No Marilyn. First you and I have to decide how we tell Paula and Bill that Paula will be the donor. As soon as you're dressed, I'll take you in to see Doctor Rice for the instructions. So, please hurry." I sat down with my dry toast and coffee.

"But Mike, won't you please let me tell you how it happened? Please, I know you're angry with me and I have to explain." She was looking at me, her face twisted in pain and her eyes leaking tears.

"No Marilyn. All I care about now is our son and daughter. Right now they are what's important! And so you know: they are all my children! They are all mine even if I wasn't the sperm donor for them and I don't give a fuck what you say or do or who the biological father is! Just get your ass upstairs and get dressed! I want to get to the hospital as soon as possible. Please! Go!"

She did leave, and with a sob she ran upstairs. I went out to the car and started it, letting it run to make my point. I walked back inside to wait by the door for her. When she came downstairs a few minutes later, I turned and walked out to the car and got in, waiting for her to do the same. The trip to the hospital was silent, every time she started to talk I would tell her "shut the fuck up!" Not polite but effective.

We stopped in to see Larry and tell him that Paula was going to be his donor. He was pleased and we talked with him for a few minutes before going in to see Doctor Rice. There was no mention of William and he gave no indication that he disapproved of Marilyn as he explained the procedure to us and began setting everything up. Larry would undergo radiation to destroy all of the malignant marrow making way for the healthy marrow from Paula. Her marrow would be withdrawn the day of the transplant. She listened carefully, asked good questions and seemed to be pleased at the prognosis. I understood that as a mother she would do anything for her child. As would I, even if I wasn't his natural father.

The day of the transplant brought us both to this waiting room and now we sit, the room separating us, but not nearly as much as the paternity of my children. One brother was near death and only the skill and knowledge of the doctors could save him. His sister was lying on a bed in the next room, donating part of her body to save his. The other brother was home waiting to hear of his ailing brother. While only one was my own flesh and blood, I truly saw all as my own and I was proud of them. So I shared this room with their mother.

So now you know my secret Reverend, and what I have to decide once my son is made better is how I choose to live my life from here on. The question I have to answer for myself is: am I as strong a man as my father? He walked away but in the end came back for his son. He seemed to learn forgiveness with time but I never knew whether he really forgave her. He died without me having the courage to ask him. He wouldn't have told me anyway. He would have said it wasn't my business.

The Reverend said a prayer with me, prayed that I learn the power of forgiveness, then told me that my son was in God's hands now. He rose, walked over to Marilyn and whispered something to her. She nodded, bowed her head and then he left. She sat with bowed head a few more seconds then raised her head to meet my eyes. I looked back at her then looked away. Not now. Not now. Her shoulders slumped and she started to cry again. As if that could help Larry. If she hadn't been off fucking another man and getting pregnant, my sons and daughter would all be mine and they both could have been perfect donors for him! Damn her! Damn her to hell! The fury inside me burned bright for a few minutes but then died, my anxiety snuffing it out.

Time passed before Doctor Rice came out to tell us everything went as well as could be expected. He said Larry would be in isolation for a week or two until the marrow took and began to grow on its own. Until then, he had no natural protection against any type of infection. He left then, telling us we could talk to him in a few hours. I relaxed; now that it was over I could begin to think of my life and the chaos that it was in now. I glanced at Marilyn to see her watching me. I guess it had to be done sooner or later but I really didn't have the energy to do it now.

"I think we should get some rest and then take turns with Larry. He'll be out of it for a while so we should do it now. I'll call home and tell Bill that everything is OK."

"Good, he'll want to know right away. Mike, we have to talk. This is killing me and I know you must hate me right now but please let me talk to you and tell you what happened."

"I can't deal with you right now Marilyn. I just can't. You take the car home and get some rest and talk to Bill. I'll stay here until Paula is ready to go home and then you come back to relieve me. It's best if you just go. This would be a bad time to try to force me to listen to you so please, go home."

Marilyn was crying but her tears had no effect on me. I just wanted her gone, out of my sight. It was too much for me right now with my emotions ragged and raw. Just to see her face was hurting me so much that I couldn't think straight. I didn't wait for her response: I turned and walked out of the room and went down the steps toward the cafeteria. I needed something strong right now but the best they had was coffee. I took a cup and sat down in the corner with my thoughts.

As the energy generated by my concern for my son began to wane, I started to think more clearly. For the immediate situation, I had to stay at home until my son was out of danger. According to Doctor Rice, that would be three to five months. He could be out of isolation in three weeks and home in less than four. After that, it was just time for the marrow to grow and replace his destroyed damaged marrow. If I were to leave, then would be the time. And William. What could I say to William, or even Paula for that matter.

My parents had waited until I was fully grown and on my own to tell me I was the child of adultery. Should I do the same for Larry and Paula? It seemed best to me. In my case, I was old enough to understand the words and the concept, but not too old to be immune to it. Much younger and it would have been worse; I believed that sincerely. So, I would recommend to Marilyn that we wait.

Next, my dad moved back home and to my mother to minimize the damage to me, thinking that I had caused their problems. In time, he began to forgive mom and finally loved her again. When he died, they were almost back to where they started. So his actions were there for me to study and emulate if I chose. After all, of all the people I had known in my life, my father was the only one I would choose as my role model.

But there was a difference and I knew that immediately. That difference was the thing that made up my mind. I knew then what I was going to do and I think dad heard my decision and approved. At least I felt something as I made my decision. It was a feeling of being enveloped in a warm embrace from someone who loved and trusted me. I had difficulty swallowing my coffee through the lump in my throat.

I moved back home while my son healed and I stayed until he was out of danger. After telling Marilyn of the story of my parents, she understood the parallel and now knew why I took it so hard. I stayed in the spare room in spite of the pleas of my wife. I answered questions from my kids by saying that since one of us was always up, it was easier on us to sleep in separate rooms. I don't know if they bought it. It was almost four months and all that time, Marilyn tried to prove that she loved me and wanted to convince me that whatever she had done in the past was forever gone. I listened, night after night as she told me her story and night after night I returned to the spare room to sleep. I never made love to her again but I promised her that I was trying to learn to trust her again. She kept telling me she loved me and I assured her I loved her as well, which I did. I never stopped. But that wasn't going to be enough.

The day came when Doctor Rice told us that Larry was going to be fine. The donor marrow had taken hold and was doing its duty, manufacturing red and white blood cells and his immune system was fully functional. He was on his way to a full recovery. Paula was fine as well with no effects from the donation of her marrow to her brother. We celebrated that evening with pizza and ice cream. It was a glorious evening. Marilyn was looking forward to an evening alone with me since I told her that I had made my decision.

Once the kids were in bed, I sat with her in the living room, she happy and smiling with anticipation, I more subdued and sad. She never noticed, happy as she was with the news and her fantasy. But it was time.

"Marilyn, it's time for me to end this charade. I know that you understand my story and that I was a child of adultery just as my children are. You know that my dad came home and lived with mom until he died. He did learn to love her again and he forgave her as much as he could. She died knowing he loved and forgave her."

"I know Mike and I'm just happy that you came back to give me a second chance, just as your father did. And like your mother, I'll do everything I can to prove to you how much I love you and I'll never make the same mistake again, You have to believe that."

"But Marilyn, you are nothing like my mother. She made a mistake; she and my Uncle made a mistake once and I was the result of that. She knew immediately that she was wrong and she never repeated it. You, on the other hand, have been having an affair with Chad Harper for years. We had only been married for four years when Larry was conceived and Paula was conceived almost a year later. Your affair lasted at least that long and probably longer. That wasn't a mistake Marilyn, that was a planned and lasting affair. You betrayed me not once but many times over and you never regretted it; not until you got caught. As far as I know, it's still continuing."

"No, it wasn't like that. I told you we only did it sometimes when we traveled together. It began before we were married and it wasn't often and I never knew that I got pregnant by him. Honest, but now it's over and I regret it ever happened. It will never happen again. I promise and if you can forgive me like your father forgave your mother, we can be happy again. I promise I'll make you happy."

"I'm sorry Marilyn. I've thought about this and I can't forgive you. I still love you and probably always will, but I intend on divorcing you. I'm moving out tomorrow and I'll contact an attorney to begin the process. You should get one as well and from now on, any contact will be through them."

Marilyn looked as if I had struck her. Not unlike my mother the first time I asked her to tell me why. But again there was a difference: Marilyn was a woman who betrayed me over and over and never once thought of the consequences of her actions. Mom made a mistake and regretted it for the rest of her life. She loved my father and us more than her own life. Marilyn loved whoever happened to be with her at the time.

The divorce went through with little resistance from Marilyn. We talked a lot during the discussion of terms and she continued to beg me to forgive her and give her another chance, but she never convinced me of her love after I found out how often the two of them got together. And Marilyn soon came to realize how much she hurt me after learning of my own background and the differences between her and my mother were too great for me to follow my father's path.

I never remarried, preferring to visit with my children whenever the mood took me. I dated and lived with a couple of women for a while but after my experience with my own mother and later my wife, I chose to remain single and unattached. Life was good however and I never regretted my choice. I stayed in touch with Marilyn as our kids grew. She went back to work at GE and became engaged soon after we divorced, but dumped him two years later. Seems he was unfaithful to her. Justice? You decide. She too has decided to remain single and free. Our positions at work kept us in frequent touch and I heard from her boss that she traveled only with other women or alone but that her travel was only sporadic, like mine.