Choices Ch. 03

{Some question, criticize what I have to say. There are so many different points of view. I would like to say the unkind comments don't bother me, but that would be a lie.

I am just doing the best I can. I know I struggled to decide on a catagory for this story, I think this one is right.

The only thing I know for sure is I do have just three choices.

I can be just me, and live the way I want to.

I can be with the one man I completely love, and do all I can to please him.

Or I can be alone.

I chose to try and please him.

I suspect there are others out there that are in a position similar to mine. But every act has a consequence, this is the story of mine.}

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I carried the empty coffee cups into the kitchen and must have washed them a dozen times. My face was flaming in embarrassment.

I had just shamelessly thrown myself at my husband's friend Brad, expecting him to reach for me. That was the fantasy in my head, it took a lot of effort for me to manage enough courage to do that.

Brad had rejected me. Oh, sure, he made an attempt to be kind about it but I wanted to run, hide somewhere.

My Tom was always hinting around that I have experiences, as he called it. He acted excited when I told him about anything at all that I did that was slightly sexy, and it was obvious.

The truth is I really did like to tease him, get him going. I was at that point in my life where I wanted sex and cuddling, in fact I wanted it all the time. In Tom's arms, I was safe and warm and loved.

It was the only time I really felt in control, other than at work, or sitting here at this keyboard. It has taken me a long time to begin to understand how putting it all down in words makes my life easier.

I have done a few things at my office that are best described as over the top. I knew I could get away with some of that, doctors have less limits on them than most people. Nudity and things like that are accepted as a requirement, anything considered sexual in nature is not accepted.

They call that abuse of our authority. Most of the time I have no problems of any kind, it is just sometimes, with certain clients. I cannot explain the why of it, but I feel myself dampen, the struggle begins. I know that struggle very well, on one side is that conservative background, good girls just don't. On the other side is that demon, filling me with powerful urges.

Shameful, I know, but a weakness in myself I have come to accept. In the last few months I have come to accept a lot of things.

Still, if a male has concerns in the sexual area, I can do almost anything I feel is necessary. Plus there are a few that come in and it's pretense, I am well aware of that. Hardly a week goes by without getting at least one or two male clients complaining of an ache in their testicles or a lump of some kind, or suggesting impotence. Rarely do I ever find anything of concern, although impotence is fairly frequent. Those with real concerns get referred to urology.

But a man standing there with a massive erection complaining of impotence is silly. I understand though, so I tease them a little bit, look them over and that makes them happy. Actually manipulating a male client to orgasm in my office is very rare though, there are risks. The last man I touched like that was Ben, he actually did have Coital Cephalgia, just headaches during sex. It is a fairly common condition that typically goes away with time, or is eased by a common painkiller.

So there was no real need for a test, but I took his blood pressure before and after, and I helped him with my hands.

Just to try and help him, my rationalization of the situation. The truth? That feeling of power, excitement, his erection in my hands, my control. I very nearly orgasmed doing that.

I think he knew.

Somehow I ended up on a date with him, somehow we ended up in his bed. How he managed to manipulate me into that situation I don't really know, but he was good at it. Either that or deep inside I wanted it to happen. Ben was also a strong and considerate lover, and I liked him. But I think I liked him more than he did me, he never called me after that.

Why do I ramble on about things like this? Just so you can understand. I am a woman, there are things I just am not supposed to do, to think about.

But I do.

Tom really liked it when I told him stories, I used that one incident with Ben to excite him, making the description as erotic as I could. Tom never once ever showed me any real signs of jealousy, rather the opposite.

I also often did strip teases for him, delighting in watching him become erect and flushed with excitement. But it was the stories I told him that really excited him more than anything.

Some of them were true, but some of them were made up. Even when I slipped, said something that didn't make sense, Tom never seemed to notice. One other thing about him, he could not be accused of being very smart. But Tom was always gentle, kind, and oh so handsome.

Early on in our first marriage, Tom encouraged me to dress sexily for him. I soon realized he wanted me to dress that way for others, do things that got attention. That wasn't an easy thing for me at the time since I was a bit heavy, but I managed some of it to please him. My sheltered upbringing combined with my not being completely sure of myself got in the way usually.

Our relationship became rocky and we broke up. But the truth is I loved Tom, so much that when we were apart there was a hole that couldn't be filled in my life. The big empty bed became monstrous, the not knowing where he was or what he was doing caused many miserable nights.

I had turned to medicines, pills. That is like putting a lid on a pan of overheated grease on the stove but not turning it down. It covers up the problem for a little while. I stopped that, then turned to risky sex. All of that was just a search for happiness. I finally realized there was just one place where I felt happy, and that was with Tom, flaws and all.

Seperation was a misery.

One day the phone rang, it was Tom. We had a simple dinner. It was just like a date, I was excited. I really tried to not let that show, I think I failed miserably.

I woke up the next morning with Tom sleeping by my side, his face pressed against my bare breast, softly snoring. I felt happy again.

When we got back together after our first breakup we moved to a huge ranch at the coast. Tom thought I would like it, the change would be good for us.

I didn't like it, and it wasn't good for us. I lasted about a year. Then when Tom started up with wanting me once again to do things like show myself off, even suggesting sex with others, I left again. But it was more than just that, it was the being all alone for days on end, the sounds of what was actually wilderness all around.

Tom had undone the buttons on my blouse right in front of his friend Brad while I dozed one evening. I told myself that was the reason I left the next morning, but it wasn't really. It was just..everything, I didn't fit into a farming lifestyle.

That huge hole was there again. I managed to purchase back the house I live in now, just a stroke of luck and timing. At least I was home again, in familiar surroundings. But I was still miserable.

After several months, in a moment of weakness, I called him on the phone. Tom was right back in my life, just like that.

During this last time we were apart I searched for someone, something. I ended up with Terry, the man who was the real estate broker I used. I actually had to finally seduce him. It was less than I had hoped for by far. I even tried a second time with him, Terry wanted to dress and leave as soon as it was over. I needed to be held and cuddled, to feel that everything was all right, if just for a little while.

Then I met Ben at my office. He was there simply to see a doctor. It became more than that. Ben was an amazing experience, so much so that I admit to wanting more, but he just did not call again.

This time when Tom made some suggestions, hints, I thought what is the difference? I could and did sleep with men when we were apart, why couldn't I do that if we were together?

I began to change, I wore less clothing around the house. I often took bike rides, I would slip on a tube top and shorts, Tom seemed to get a kick out of the way I looked. I seldom wore a bra, even when I did it was just a sports bra, sheer and little more than a sling. It seemed to be enough, Tom's hands were on me a lot.

When Tom moved Brad in with us, I thought I knew what was in the back of his mind. But Brad was with Cindy, and I have to say I didn't like Cindy all that much. For one thing she was a pretty but rather beat up looking bleached blonde, for another thing she was always running around half naked. The woman had almost no modesty at all.

I know now that my irritation was probably just jealousy, she was competition.

Add in that I knew that she had some threesomes with both Tom and Brad during our period apart, the whole situation did just irritate me. But Cindy was with Brad now, at least that seemed to be the way it was. Yet Tom was always looking at her, I can understand that. If a woman is sitting with her pubes hanging out, men will look.

It still got to me. Silly, considering everything else, but it did.

Tom and I had our first argument about that, if it can be called one. Cindy had been sitting there in just a T-shirt, Tom kept looking at her fanny. She had her legs tucked under her, one hip raised so Tom sat in the chair where he could look right at her naked crotch.

"Oh, well, these guys have seen it before." She dismissed my comment that she was showing a bit much.

So I deliberately flashed Brad, more in a bit of a snit than to excite anyone, then went to bed upset. We almost never raised our voices at each other, my Tom is normally very mellow. But he slept on the couch that night while I slept alone again.

I just do not like sleeping alone.

I made up my mind, if Tom wanted me to have an experience, fulfill his fantasy, I would!

It was a quite a bit later before the first opportunity arrived. Tom was off working on his project, Brad came in early in the day and went to his room to work on some designs. I had taken the day off, I was still the extra at the health clinic anyway so I got a lot of time off whenever I wanted.

I took him a cup of coffee, my robe carelessly tied. I knew he would be able to see my bare breasts when I leaned over to set it on the table.

Brad didn't even look up, completely lost in the sketches he was doing. I sighed and went back out into the living room, sat down at my keyboard and wrote. What I wrote was in my last post, a fantasy, it came out almost like I was describing it to Tom to tease and excite him.

But I had decided in my mind to make it real.

When Brad called out asking if there was more coffee, I made some, took him a cup. This was it, I thought. I mustered up my courage and untied the robe, letting it hang open the full length of my body. The sensation of the robe brushing my legs as I walked, the cool air on my loins made me shudder. I felt an exquisite excitement knowing Brad would see me like this, look at me.

Brad turned and looked my way as I walked in and sat down a cup. His eyes got big as he realized, looking me up and down. I sat in the chair nearby, facing him, the robe hanging down both sides of the chair. Brad just stared at me, surprise on his face.

"Well, what do you think?" I asked with a smile.

"I think you need to cover up." He was flushed now.

"You don't like me?"

"I like you fine. God, you are beautiful. But I just can't."

"Why not?" I asked, suddenly feeling bashful. I reached down and tugged my robe closed.

"I have to work with your...with Tom every day. I don't think this is a good idea."

"Tom wants me to." I blurted out. That was almost a protest.

"Yes, I know. Some men are that way, I know how Tom is. But this contract is a big deal, a chance to make a lot of money. We can't have conflicts."

"I see. OK, I will leave you alone." I jumped up, I wanted to be out of there. I grabbed the empty coffee cups and went into the kitchen, running scalding hot water, scrubbing them furiously.

Then I sat down at my keyboard and started to type. I had no idea what I wanted to type, it just comes out.

Brad came in about a half hour later, I clicked the screen closed.

"Are you OK, Sally?"

"Yes, I am fine. I'm sorry, I just thought...."

"It's nothing to do with you, Sally. I really do like you, I like the way...you look. Remember, I even called once to ask you for a date, but you told me no."

"I have never had a man turn me down when I shamelessly threw myself at them."

"I don't think you have ever really done that much anyway, have you?"

Brad caught me there, the one time I remembered was way back when I was out with my friend Lee. We had actually picked up a couple of guys when we were out partying. I was drunk, my only excuse.

"I won't do anything like that again."

"Well, I hope you won't turn into a nun around here." He grinned at me.

"What do you mean?"

"I like looking at you, and Tom gets a kick out of that. You can do that much..if you want to but Tom should be here. Hell, it will tickle me and get Tom worked up."

I laughed, Brad was so open and forward sometimes.

"Oh, you like me teasing too, huh?" I was starting to feel better.

"Yes, I sure do. Besides, maybe after this big job is done..." He left that hanging.

I felt myself flood with dampness, I just looked at him. I giggled, I couldn't help myself.

"Well, I need to get down to the job site."

"Wait. Tell me about Cindy."

"Cindy? There isn't much to tell. She is ok, and..handy?"

"Handy? Tom told me about her, and...."

"Cindy messes around a lot, she goes out with a lot of the guys."

"Oh. Isn't that...unsafe?" I put that as nicely as I could.

"I always use protection, of course. I don't really like to but.."

"It's a good idea."

"Tom did too." He looked at me pointedly.

"I am glad to hear that."

"A man usually doesn't want to when he is with a woman..that matters." Brad smiled at me.

"I know how to get some things checked." I teased. I was over being embarrassed, and I was starting to get turned on again.

Brad grinned. "Maybe we should do that." He said, then he picked up his briefcase and left.

I sat there thinking for a long time, then I typed some more. Finally I got up and went in to take a long shower. I came out with a towel, then turned and looked at myself in the full length mirror.

I was pleased with the reflection, I turned this way and that, inspecting. My body was as good as it was ever going to get. The bulges at my hips were long gone and I wasn't about to let that come back. My breasts sag some but not much, plus losing nearly 20 pounds had made them smaller and firmer looking. I faced the mirror and flexed my arms, that lifted my breasts. With makeup I could pass for being 35, I thought to myself.

It flashed in my mind that Brad had looked me up and down and still said no. Somehow the idea of him looking at me made me tingle. Brad hadn't said no because he didn't want to be with me, it was because he thought he had to.

I understood about business, and while there probably wouldn't be any concerns if we did make love, he just wasn't taking any chances.

Feeling more sure of myself, I pulled on a pair of tight shorts and my thin white tube top, went out and hopped on my bike. I let it roll down the hill the six miles to the little cafe in town. There were two older men sitting there playing cards, they both turned and looked me up and down, grinning. They were actually fixtures in the place, they had seen me there before but not dressed quite like this. I smiled at them, that made me feel good.

I ordered a piece of apple pie and ice cream, the tiny cafe is run by a large woman that makes pies that are a delight. She served the pie, grinned at me.

"You sure look good, Sally." She told me. That also gave me a warm feeling, I smiled back and took a bite. Later, I labored back up the hill, knowing the effects of the pie and ice cream would be long gone when I got back to the house. I was rounding the bend towards the last steep uphill stretch when a car went by. The man on the passenger side leaned out and yelled, "Great ass!"

I just laughed, knowing they had been treated to me up on the pegs with my bare legs working to climb the hill. It had been a crazy day. I had gone from feeling down to being excited to embarrassed to feeling fine again. I knew Tom would be home soon, so I took another quick shower.

I was watching a soap opera feeling extremely horny when I heard Tom's truck coming up the driveway. I knew it was him from the sound, one muffler had a leak in it. I jumped up and peeled off my tube top, stripped the shorts down my legs.

I ran to meet him at the door. It swung open. Tom, Cindy, Brad and Jonathan stood there with surprised looks on their faces.

"Oops!" I said, giggling. I ran back to the couch and tugged on the tube top, pulled my shorts up.

"Nice greeting hon!" Tom said as he came in laughing. He reached down and rubbed my fanny, touched his lips to the back of my neck.

"Sorry, I should have looked out, I thought it was just you." I looked over at Brad, he was grinning. Cindy headed directly for the kitchen to find the wine bottle. Jonathan had a sheepish look on his face.

I was surprised to see Jonathan, he was Cindy's roommate and I had met him just the one time at our party to celibrate Tom and Brad getting the big contract. Jonathan had been overly attentive, but now he seemed to be a bit bashful.

"So what's going on?" I asked Tom.

"I was giving Cindy and Jon a ride home, his car won't start. We left Brad's truck at the job, the damned diesel is getting out of sight here on price. Then we decided to come out here, I can barbeque some chicken out on the deck if you heat up some veggies and make a salad."

"Oh. Ok. I was just in the mood is all, sorry."

"Don't lose the mood, I have plans for you..later. And don't be sorry." He grinned at me. Then he wrapped his arms around me and kissed me. He ran his hands over the outside of my tubetop.

"I really do like this outfit!"

"Go start the grill, I will thaw out some chicken." I told him laughing, pushing his hands away.

"I like the other one even better!" He said over his shoulder.

Tom finally got the grill going, it hadn't been used at all that I knew of. I was beginning to think I was going to have to use the stove, Tom had flames going six feet in the air for awhile there, but finally he got it settled down.

Cindy was sitting on the deck watching, in her ever present T-shirt and blue jeans. She had found one of our wine bottles and was drinking straight out of it. Jonathan had noticed our hot tub and was filling it. I made a salad, came out just in time to see him slide into the water wearing just his briefs.

"Hey, no clothes in the hot tub!" I said as a joke.

"Oh, sorry." Jonathan reached down and peeled down his briefs under the water, tossed them on the deck. That surprised me a little.

"Neat!" Cindy said, hopping up and pulling her T-shirt over her head. She had the blue jeans down and off before I could open my mouth, slipped into the tub with Jonathan.

"Oh, it's cold!" She said.

"Give it a few minutes, it will heat right up." I told her. Her nipples had snugged up into tiny little buttons. I walked over and looked at the monitoring panel, set it on high. I knew it only took about 15 minutes to bring it all the way up to temperature. I flipped the switch that started the water jets, that got a giggle out of Cindy as she felt the water begin to move.