Chris and Luke

As they progressed Chris became more and more quiet as he became more and more tired. By the time Luke wheeled him out into the kitchen, where his own mother was making breakfast he was fast asleep again. Luke pushed him into the living room and left him in front of the large patio doors so that when he woke he would be looking out into the garden, which was brilliant in the cold winter sunshine.

He was loath to leave him but he could no longer bear to watch him sleep and he was hungry. His feet dragged and he kept his eyes down as he slid up onto a seat at the breakfast bar. He jumped, startled at the touch on his shoulder and looked up into Amy's gently smiling face.

"Are you alright hun?"

"No. No I'm not alright. How could I possibly be alright? I can't stand it. He's so... so... bright. I feel mean and selfish and weak when I'm with him. Nothing ever gets him down. He's so... resigned to it. Why can't he scream and rage and fight every moment, every inch? Why can't he be...?"

"Because he's himself Luke. He's coping in the only way he knows how; with a smile on his face and love for everyone around him. You know Chris; he's never happy unless he's making others happy. He can't bear sadness and sorrow and he is trying so hard to make things easy for us, to cheer us up. He wants to spend what time he has in a happy environment and we have to try our very best to give it to him. It's the least we can do."

Luke sighed. "I know. It's just hard."

"Yes. It's the hardest thing that any of us ever have or ever will have to do. But we'll do it because he deserves it." Luke slid off the stool and put his arms around her as she dissolved in tears.

Later that day they loaded Chris into the special car that was able to accommodate his chair and drove to the hospital for a scheduled consultation with his neurologist. Having noted Chris' growing fatigue, more frequent lapses in concentration, increasing memory loss and speech deterioration no one expected good news.

"Why do we even have to put ourselves and Chris through this?" Luke grumbled. "It's not as if anyone is going to tell us anything we didn't already know."

"Because they might be able to help us make Chris more comfortable. And... because as long as we keep going we keep... hoping."

"Hoping for what? A miracle?"

"There's always hope Luke. Until the end there's always hope."

"Sorry but I've run right out."

"Be that as it may, as long as there are doctors who will see him and he's capable of seeing them I will keep bringing him."

"That's not going to be much longer."

"Oh Luke..." But she didn't gainsay him because she knew he was right.

Chris slept most of the way. He had always been inclined to fall asleep in cars. He awoke with a start when Luke shook him gently. For a moment Luke panicked when Chris stared at him with empty, dazed eyes, then he shook the sleep out of them and yawned.

"Are we there yet?"

Luke grinned all the more broadly to hide the fear that had taken possession of every atom of his being. "Almost. Just have to haul your arse out of the car and manoeuvre your chariot across all the obstacles." He wasn't entirely joking. Although relatively new the hospital had failed woefully in providing good access to wheelchair users. Well no, that wasn't entirely fair. The hospital itself was okay it was the access routes from all four car parks, and even the disabled parking spots. Everywhere there were high curbs, cobble stones and flower boxes.

Finally the negotiated their way into the light and airy concourse and headed for the neurology department. As usual, once they had checked in and had a brief initial consultation with the doctor they were sent off for a couple of hours while they put Chris through a battery of tests that usually wiped him out for days.

This was the main reason that Luke had challenged Amy about the need for the appointments. As far as he was concerned anything that took energy from Chris and had no positive outcome was not only a waste of time but a criminal waste of the time they had left. He knew full well that Chris would sleep for the rest of the day and most of the next and with every day a precious bonus, that was nothing more than a waste.

The whole thing made him grumpy and he had to admit that he wasn't good company that afternoon. Amy was used to him and merely carried on quietly, secretly smiling at his scowls, knowing that they were caused by nothing but the fact that he loved her son so much.

When they returned to the doctor's office he was alone and he didn't look happy. He motioned them to sit down.

"I wanted to have a word with you before we bring Chris back in on this. It probably won't come as any surprise at all to you that his test results today were not good. The neurological decay is continuing at an accelerated pace and the implant is no longer able to entirely prevent its spread into the brain.

"So far the damage to Chris' brain is minimal but the rate of degeneration there is far faster than in the rest of his body. I would anticipate that once the decline really sets in it will be rapid and catastrophic."

"What does that mean?"

"We want a straight answer in clear English doc. Don't pull the punches. We know the score and want to know what we're facing."

The doctor gave Luke a piercing look then sighed and nodded. "The way things stand at the moment Chris has three or four days, maybe as much as a week, of fairly normal function after which..." He paused and looked at their shocked faces.

"He's not going to see Christmas is he?"

His eyes fixed on the desk the doctor sighed heavily. "As things stand, no, not even close. Within a week he won't know who or where he is. Within two all the automatic functions of the brain will have broken down and will grind to a halt. His organs will stop working, his heart will stop beating and he will simply... stop."

"And there's nothing we can do, nothing at all?"

Again the doctor hesitated. "If there was the smallest chink of hope that any of this could be treated in the normal way I would not even be suggesting this to you, but there isn't. I want you be perfectly and absolutely clear on this point. As things stand at the moment, with conventional medicine or medical techniques there is nothing, absolutely nothing I can to do prevent Chris going into rapid and terminal decline. The very best that I can offer you is palliative care. An attending nurse, pain relief..."

"Wait." The doctor looked up at the tone in Luke's voice. He could see in his eyes that he already understood. "You keep saying things like... 'As things stand' and 'with conventional medicine'. That suggest that there is another way to stand. What exactly are you suggesting to us?"

"I want you to understand and understand very clearly where you are before we consider whether there might be any alternatives."

"We're very clear where we are thank you doctor. I am going to lose my son. Quite frankly once he... once I've lost him mentally I don't want him to linger on being scared and lost. I don't want to see him..." She took a deep breath and looked him in the eye. "We've been seeing doctors just like you for more than three months. In the beginning they promised us the world but as time passed there was less and less hope and we've long since reconciled ourselves to the fact that we were going to lose him. The extent of our hope for weeks has been that he would see Christmas with us. After that..."

"I understand Mrs Baker. You may not believe it but I do. You're far from the only one who has sat in that seat and heard the news they've been dreading but expecting about someone they love." He paused again then nodded. "I've sat on that side of the desk myself."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. If it hadn't been for that there would have been a lot more in that position. I have dedicated myself to making sure about that.

"I have been involved in a project for a number of years which has very recently received a license to be tested on human subjects. Much as I appreciate that last thing you'd want is for your son to be used as a guinea pig at this stage this process may be the only hope he has. Of course it may be no hope at all but..."

"No... no please. Don't... don't offer me hope and then pull it away. I know that hope is no guarantee but please; please tell me truthfully, hand on heart; is there something, anything that can offer hope to my son now?"

"I want you to think carefully about this Mrs Baker. As I have been trying to explain to you this is a highly experimental procedure and the risks are enormous. To be quite frank I have found it very difficult to believe it myself and I couldn't begin to explain to you how it works. I have spoken to the developers, putting Chris forward as an ideal candidate for the first tests and they have agreed to meet with you.

"I have to stress that should you decide to meet with them there is absolutely no obligation to proceed. However, there is only a very small window of opportunity. If you do decide to go ahead you would have to do so immediately."

"How immediately?" Luke asked suspiciously. "I'll arrange a consultation tomorrow morning at the clinic where the process is being developed. If you decide to continue the procedure will be carried out tomorrow afternoon."

"That... that doesn't leave us much time..."

"Mrs Baker, Chris doesn't have much time."

"Then why wasn't this mentioned before?" Luke demanded. "Chris is going to be wiped by the tests today. He isn't going to be in any state to think about this, to make any decisions for himself. Why didn't you raise it as an option before?"

"Honestly? Because the license for testing was only granted three days ago. I was intending to mention it to you today and, in all honesty I had not expected Chris' deterioration to have been this far advanced. I thought that you would have had more time."

"We all thought we would have had more time." She closed her eyes for a minute and then opened them swallowing. "If this... procedure is successful, what will it mean for Chris? How much more time will it buy him?"

"I can't promise you miracles..."

"I appreciate that. I appreciate that you can't promise us anything. But please... if I agree to this what am I agreeing to?"

"I can't tell you that. My colleagues will explain it to you tomorrow if you agree to meet. What I can tell you is that the procedure is dangerous. This is why it can only be tested on imminently terminal patients. There is a very significant chance that Chris will die during the procedure. If not then there is an equally significant chance that he will not only be stabilised but much of the neural damage will be repaired."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that Chris could die tomorrow. That he's likely to die tomorrow. I can't..."

"Luke please... I need to know what might happen if..."

"In the very best case scenario Chris could make a very good recovery."

"Recovery? You mean that he might regain control, that he might walk and go back to school; be strong and well again?"

"Let's not build this up into something unrealistic. Maybe we should look in terms of regaining some function and significantly prolonging life."

"How significantly?"

"Early signs show that once the neurological repairs are made they are very stable and there is every likelihood that if he survives the procedure Chris could look forward to a normal lifespan."

Luke and Amy stared at each other, hope and fear flaring in equal measure. Looks flashed between them and common consent was reached at the same moment. "Make the appointment."

As expected Chris had been exhausted by the tests and was pretty much incoherent for the rest of the day. When he was awake he had difficulty concentrating and it was hard to explain what had gone on during the visit with the doctor. One thing he did understand was that there was a chance, a hope, a flicker of light in the looming darkness. He didn't care about consequences. He wanted to grab that chance with both hands and, whether he understood it or not he felt it and therefore so did everyone else.

That night, when Luke held Chris in his arms, snuggling close as soon as the deep unconsciousness assisted by high doses of muscle relaxant and narcotic, had eased the jerking of his body, he stared at the beautiful, serene face and felt his gut twist. What were they doing? How could they take him to that place and hand him over to strangers who didn't know him, who didn't know how special he was, who might kill him? How could he bear to lie here and hold him in his arms knowing it could be the last time, the last night? But wasn't that how it had been anyway. Last night, and the night before and the night before that.

It was three and a half weeks to Christmas and if they didn't do it Chris would be dead before Santa had begun to pack his sleigh. Of course they had known that. Deep down they had all known that, none more so than Chris. Wasn't that why he had been frantically shopping and packing? Wasn't that why they had decorated the house? Wasn't that why everyone kissed him goodbye whenever they were parted for whatever reason... just in case it really was?

Luke choked on his pain and hugged Chris tighter. He was like a large, bald teddy bear... just as stiff, just as frozen. Oh what he wouldn't give to feel his arms around him just one more time.

It was almost dawn before Luke finally drifted off to sleep, still with tears streaming from his eyes.

The next morning there wasn't time to watch Chris sleep. They all slept in, exhausted by the previous day's events. Amy was calling them before even Luke was awake.

Gently Luke stroked Chris' face and hair calling him back from the banks of Lethe. This time, for the first time the lips were still when the lids rose over eyes that were blank and dull. Luke's heart thudded painfully. No. They said a week. They said they had a week, three days at least.

"Chris?" He whispered hoarsely.

Blinking, his eyes fluttering Chris sighed and then gave a brief smile. "Luke." He breathed and Luke felt dizzy with relief.

Forcing a smile he, brushed the hair out of Chris' face. "How are you feeling today?" He asked his usual question and hoped he would get the usual response but he got none at all. Chris merely sighed and closed his eyes.

"That bad?" Luke asked with an edge to his voice.

"Tired."

"I know. I know you're tired. All that messing about wore you out yesterday didn't it? And now we want more of you. I'm sorry baby. I wish we could just laze around in bed all day and soon we will, I promise. As soon as you are better we'll spend a whole day in bed and not sleep for a minute of it."

Very briefly the corners of Chris' lips twitched upwards. "Luke?"

"What's on your mind?"

Chris opened his eyes. They were clearer but had such a serious and sad expression that Luke almost recoiled. Chris never looked like this. Chris was never this serious, never this sad. The foundations of his world shook.

"Am I going to die today?"

It felt like a blow to the stomach and Luke had to struggle not to be physically sick. What could he say?"

"I hope not."

"But I might."

"Yes, you might."

Chris frowned, considering the information.

"What if I don't?"

"I don't understand."

"If I don't die today where will I be tomorrow morning? What will I be like?"

"I don't know. At the clinic I suppose. I'm sure that if the procedure is that scary they'll want to keep you there for at least a few days. As for what you'll be like... I don't know. Better I hope."

"And what if I don't go?" Now that one really floored him and he had to look away. "I'm going to die anyway aren't I? Soon? Before Christmas?"

Luke forced himself to look at him and nodded. "Very soon."

"I know," he whispered. "I can feel it all sliding away. I thought I wouldn't care. I thought I would be glad to finally see an end to all this but... but I do care. I don't want to die Luke. I love you too much and I want... I want..."

"Ssh. It's alright. I'm here and I am always going to be here. Whatever happens we'll face it together. You won't be alone Chris, no matter what ,you won't be alone."

Chris nodded. "If... if I die today... You do know don't you? You do know how much I love you, how much I want to be with you, to be able to hold you in my arms and make love to you like we used to? You do know that I would give anything to be able to lift my hands and touch your face and... and see joy in your eyes again?"

"I know." Luke whispered through his tears.

"And... and you know that I will try? I will try as hard as I possibly can to hold on to that, to live and come back to you. And if... if I don't, if I don't live I want... I want you to go back to school and get your degree and..."

"No Chris I..."

"Ssh. Listen to me. I want you to make a life for yourself Luke, a good life. You deserve it. I want to be part of that life, I want it so badly but if I can't... If I have to die today I want to do it knowing that you are going to be alright. I want to die in peace knowing that you'll go on and do all the things we were planning to do together. I don't want to feel guilty for ruining your life. I want to know you'll be happy."

"I can't promise you that Chris. I can't think of what life would be like without you. I could never do the things we planned together on my own."

"Then find someone else to do them with."

"No. Please don't ask that of me. Please don't."

"But I do and I want you to promise me. I want you to promise that you will go back to school and make the best life you can for yourself... and I want you to promise to find someone else to share it with. I don't want you to be on your own. Don't you understand Luke... I can bear to leave you on your own."

"I...I..."

"Promise."

"Chris, you don't know what you're asking of me."

"Yes I do. Promise me Luke."

For a moment Luke stared down at him then he shook his head. "I can't Chris. I'm sorry but I can't." And before Chris could say anything else Luke got up and walked out of the room without looking back. He would have walked out of the house if his mother hadn't intercepted him.

"Luke don't you think you had better put some clothes on before you go outside."

"What?" he said dully not having realised until that moment that he hadn't paused to get dressed.

"Oh."

"What's the matter sweetheart? What's happened?"

By now Amy had joined them looking scared. Luke couldn't bear it any more and collapsed into his mother's arms. "He said... he said he loves me and he... he doesn't want me to be alone. He wanted me to promise that if he dies... if he doesn't make it today that I'll find someone else... and I couldn't. I couldn't promise him that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let him down."

"You did no such thing Luke. It's an impossible thing to expect from you. I am sure that if Chris wasn't feeling so ill and scared he would never have asked that of you. And he won't feel that you've let him down. You know him Luke. He's always thinking of others and this is his way of thinking of you. If he knew how upset he'd made you he would he horrified. He won't force you to make this promise. He won't be angry with you. Don't be angry with yourself."

"I can't... I can't face him."

Amy took him by the shoulders and forced him to look at her. "Yes you can. You can do anything you need to do, and do you know why?" Luke shook his head, trying to look away. "Because you would never forgive yourself if you didn't."

His head and eyes shot up then he collapsed inwards and dropped his eyes closing them tightly. "I know." He whispered.

"Alright then. Now you are going to come in there with me and help me get Chris ready. You are going to laugh with him, cry with him, promise him anything and tell him exactly what he wants to hear. If he dies it won't matter and if he lives... it won't matter. So do whatever you have to do to make whatever time is left the best it can be. I will not have my son going through this alone or with pain in his heart."