Christian College Sex Comedy Ch. 24

*Running into a wall is bad, having it fall on you is worse but not being missed is the worst*

(Much talking; not too much sex)

(Yes, this tale is supposed to be somewhat humorous and outrageous too. While not always comedic I'd like to think it is mostly a good-natured romp.)

BEYOND BED AND BREAKFAST

Iona gave me a precious, sleepy smile as I climbed out of bed in the morning. I looked at her heavy eyes, questioning her intent, when she pulled my pillow into her chest and drifted off into slumber once more. Paige was dead to the world, undoubtedly wrapped up in the remorseless rest of the Damned.

I was able to dress uninterrupted and glide downstairs to find Jill already up and puttering around. I was about to find out what she had heard last night.

"Good morning, Zane. Are you feeling better?" Jill asked.

"Feeling better?" I questioned.

"Your...you know, down there...are you feeling better?" she clarified somewhat. I imagine my jaw dropped because she looked at me with an obvious amusement.

"How did you know?" I finally responded.

"Oh, Iona came to my room last night and explained the situation as well as apologizing for the disruption," Aunt Jill explained. "She's a very forthright and honest young lady...and she doesn't currently have a fiancé either."

"What...whoa...wait a second, Jill," I stammered. Things were going way too fast for me. "How is it you are okay with two girls sleeping in my bedroom and three more coming over when three months ago we couldn't even discuss sex at all and its only place was in the marriage bed? What happened that I missed?"

"Zane," Jill sighed patiently, "when God closes one door he opens another. I had to accept that my life with Tim was over and I had to move forward with my life with you. That means I am going to get more mileage out of counseling you as opposed to dictating abstinence."

"And you have this epiphany AFTER you burn all the stuff I brought back from Thailand," I groaned.

"We both did things we probably regret," she reasoned.

"You've been talking to Iona...or more likely, Iona's been calling you," I began piecing it together.

"After you told me about what those girls were making you do -- like crawl around on your knees -- I tried to get some of your classmates to tell me what was really going on," Jill related.

"Iona was the only one who would talk to me and she and I have communicated pretty regularly since then," Jill finished. "She's a truly sweet girl and I think you two make a cute couple."

In case you are wondering, there is no good response to that statement.

"She tells me you are interested in that 'Christina' girl. She's...elegant," which was Jill's way of saying Christina wasn't a 'humble Christian girl' like Iona.

Something in that train of thought made me put a few other faces to the descriptor 'elegant'.

"Is that why you didn't like Mom, Dad...and, well, was Uncle Tim snobby as well -- elegant?" I mused. Jill stopped looking in the fridge were she was figuring out what we'd be having for breakfast.

"Yes," Jill said quietly. Tim hadn't wanted to marry Jill; he'd wanted to marry Jill's older sister, Kathryn. Jill matched herself against Mom, the free spirit, and Dad, the joker, who were both sophisticated Devil-May-Care people born of wealth and privilege. In a way, Tim was from the same background, except that he ended up arrogant and emotionally distant.

Of course, Tim had to grow up with Granddad, who was a real peach, and my Dad, who was always larger than life, always doing whatever task their father put before him and always going one step beyond. Worse, Dad always had the courage to be himself. Dad was the brilliant rebel, the Prodigal Son who was always welcomed back home; Tim was the plodding workhorse.

The best example of this was the first time each of them ran away from home. Tim ran away to the tree house in the backyard at the house in Wyoming. The first time Dad ran away, he ended up in Hawaii. When the FBI caught him, he was working in a Japanese restaurant, stock-piling Australian dollars, and had a map of the Great Barrier Reef. Now that I think of it, I must get my nuttiness from Dad.

"Jill, I'm sorry Tim wasn't the husband you deserved," I told her softly. I rested a hand on her shoulder and she backed into me. I wrapped my arms around her from behind.

"Thank you, Zane," she told me in a soft voice. She looked out of the window over the sink for a few seconds.

"Do you think we should get a pool?" Jill broke the silence. Huh?

"Who are you and what have you done with my Aunt Jill?" I teased her. It took a second for Jill to get it but when she did, she laughed.

"Wait," she teased back, "would I be a clone, an alien, or...what were those things I heard about...oh, pod-people?"

"I think you are the Pink Power Ranger," Paige snickered from my elbow where she had materialized mysteriously from the ether. Jill squeaked and spun around while I was busy putting my heart back in my chest. Jill struggled out of my arms, blushed, and went back to the fridge. "Did I interrupt something?"

"Yes; my desire to live a longer life," I coughed.

"Now that we have the useless pleasantries out of the way, what I really want to know is if all the equipment is in working order," Paige smirked. I thought of a smarmy reply, an angry reply, and even ignoring her, but another idea won out.

"Hey, Babe," I whispered in a husky voice to Paige as I stepped into body contact with her, "it hurts a little right now but thanks for asking. I'm glad you are watching out for me." I drew a line with right hand along her collarbone and shoulder to her neck and finally circling her ear.

"Oh," Paige gulped. Her eyes grew wide. "Of course, Zane. I want to watch out for you -- I care."

I let my arms drape around her and linked them up at the small of her back, pulling her tight to me. Paige slipped her arms beneath me and did likewise, with the added gesture of placing her ear to my chest. Iona slipped into the kitchen as she did so. She gave me a cute wave, side-stepped us, and went to help Jill.

I figured from Iona's actions that she was going to keep Jill busy getting the four of us breakfast, so I took Paige's right hand in my left and led her out into the hall. As I headed for the porch in the back, someone came through the front door, attempting to be stealthy. It was Leigh; I'd clearly caught her doing something wrong.

"Yes?" I questioned. She looked to Paige then back to me.

"I forgot to return your keys," Leigh evaded.

"What are you doing with my keys?" I sounded a bit cross. Paige squeezed my hand tightly, expressing her own tension.

"Paige gave them to me to use last night," Leigh gulped.

"You are hopeless as a conspirator," Paige growled at Leigh. I took a deep breath instead. I was going to have as little stress in my morning as possible.

"Please give them to Iona in the kitchen, Leigh," I sighed. A quick look to Paige showed her that I wasn't angry so she didn't resist as I resumed our journey.

Out on the porch I took a large, cushioned, low-swung wooden chair and sat down.

"It's cold out here," Paige shivered. I responded by pulling her into my lap. It took her a moment to figure out what to do with herself. She settled on sitting sideways with her left arm over my shoulder and her head laying on top of it.

It took twenty-five minutes for Iona to come out and get us.

"Breakfast," Iona said. I looked at her curiously, trying to judge how she was taking the loss of the time promised to her this weekend. She winked and went back inside so I guessed everything was okay and our weekend postponed.

"Do you want to go inside?" I gently inquired of Paige.

"Two more minutes," she whispered. I kissed her on the head and listened to the breeze in the leaves, the birds chatting in the trees, and her breath on my neck. Slowly her head rose after the two minutes had passed and she was staring at me, or rather at the side of my head.

"Yes?" I asked, as I turned and looked into her eyes.

"You are so dumb," she whispered. Paige kissed me with a tenderness that bespoke a depth of passion that I had not fully realized.

"I wouldn't trade this moment for anything in the world," I breathed back.

"I would have been better off if I had turned away that very first day I saw you," she got around to responding. I knew she was saying that she could come up with no quick strategy for getting Christina out of the way and that perplexed her. I had to do something.

"Don't forget to get that seat cushion," I joked. She seemed a bit cross, then grinned.

"If I let you do something else to my bottom will you forgive me?" she teased me with a sensual butt wiggle.

"Really?" I perked up. Paige wouldn't consider anal sex before now, though I was all for it.

"No!" she giggled. Paige leapt off my lap and raced inside. I made a grab for Paige with no intent of ensnaring her -- she was having too much fun being pursued, and pursue I did.

"Help me!" Paige squealed. "Help me; he's trying to get my bottom!" So much for any sense of decorum, I sighed. Paige made it to the dining room and quickly was using Leigh as a shield. Jill looked at me quizzically while Iona gave a weary sigh and looked heavenward for guidance.

"So, Leigh, are you joining us for breakfast?" I obfuscated the crisis.

"Yes," Leigh hesitated. "Your Aunt Jill is thanking me for finding your keys."

"If that is okay with you, Zane?" Jill demurred. Huh...and by that I mean, since when has my opinion in this household been sought or even obeyed?

"If it pleases you, Jill, I wouldn't mind eating Leigh" -- I had a slip of the tongue -- "I mean eating with Leigh."

Leigh's eyes sparkled and Jill totally missed the implication (I assumed because 'eat' a girl made no sense to her sexually repressed mind.) Iona gave my arm a light slap.

"Have a seat, Leigh," Jill smiled in a way I wasn't familiar with; it was almost like she was content. The resulting meal of country ham, grits, and cantaloupe was simple but satisfying.

We were all hot, sweaty, and laboring for breath. Had we been in bed and undressed, the situation would have been perfect. Instead, we were in my workout room...working out. I had allowed an hour to digest our meal but now we were finishing my daily physical regimen. Paige and Leigh were on their backs, staring at the ceiling and cursing the fact that I was finishing up my final exercise.

Iona was on her stomach on the mat next to me, moaning softly. I seriously considered insisting that Paige and Iona take up a sport. Leigh was another story, but I'm sure I could get Tawny, her sorority president, to get her to do something strenuous...that didn't involve me and sex.

"I have given up any hope of ever fucking you to death..." Leigh panted as she looked my way.

"Thanks," I grinned back.

"...without the help of several sisters..." Leigh gasped as Paige lazily smacked her on the stomach, "...to wear you down first. I don't know how Barbie Lynn can walk after those marathon sessions with you."

"It usually involves screaming out to God multiple times and a long nap afterwards," Iona groaned.

"So," Leigh sat up, "have either of you..."

"Hammered me through the sheets, and I swear I blacked out as I came," Paige boasted wearily.

"Mmmm," Leigh purred, "good memories." Have I left the room? Should I hand out customer satisfaction surveys?

"That night was fantastic, wasn't it?" Iona sighed.

"Three damn orgasms I'll never forget, and then there was Rio and her devilish fingers," Leigh murmured happily.

"Wait! Iona, you and Zane...Rio too?" Paige propped herself up.

"He was a very gentle gentleman," Iona declared.

"Oh," taunted Leigh to Iona, "I recall you doing quite a savage dance on the tip of his tongue." Iona blushed and Paige gawked.

"So that three-way with you and Barbie Lynn wasn't your first time...well, what do you know?" Paige mused.

"All this physical stress has me thirsty," Leigh stated.

"Yes, I think a protein drink is in order," Paige agreed, and winked at me.

"Oh, hell no!" I defended myself. "Me -- no sex weekend -- remember?"

"But, Zane," Iona rolled over and batted her eyelashes at me, "it was so sweet and salty."

"Iona..." I nearly wept.

"I apologize, Zane," Iona pouted. "I was only teasing."

"I can always hope to soak up some of that sexual energy at 12:01 Sunday night," Paige sighed.

"Nope -- sorry -- going out with Heaven Sunday night," I informed them.

"Oh, pooh," Iona grumped. "She'll drain him alright."

"Is Heaven really that good?" Leigh seemed curious.

"Let's not have this discussion," I stood up. I was ignored of course.

"Oh, he goes at her five, six, seven times a night," Iona stated. "She walks funny the next day too."

"How come there is never any footage of them together?" Leigh persisted. "You would think with that much sexuality and the howling she made from our towel closet at the party that there would be something on his site."

"I am not going to be part of this discussion," I repeated as I made for the door. "Now I'm taking a shower." For a group of girls who couldn't stand a minute ago, they clearly were capable of nearly killing me as they stampeded for the shower -- women.

Before Iona and I got in, I held her back by the arm.

"Five, six, seven times...walks funny the next morning...I'm sure Heaven will like that," I whispered.

"I thought a little embellishment couldn't hurt," Iona smiled with an earnestly pure face. She knew Heaven's nature and would help conceal it until Heaven decided it was no longer necessary; Iona was that kind of best friend.

"Do you ever get tired picking up after my shipwrecks?" I had to ask.

"Come on, Zane," Paige called from inside the shower as the water cascaded down on her and Leigh. I decided that keeping them occupied was my best bet to keep the volume down. As I pulled the curtain aside, I caught a glimpse of Iona behind me, shaking her head 'No'.

UNDERCOVER AND UNDERAGE

Willa was waiting for Valarie and I when we arrived. She had strategically placed her bike at a break between the groups of hotel units so she could quickly duck out of sight. I had no desire to do anything stupid like get in a fight. She rested on the seat of her ride. I was following Val's advice so I pulled up some distance away and kept to the middle of the parking lot because you never knew what could come popping out a door.

I approached alone -- again, I didn't want to freak Willa out any more than she already was.

"I've got a line on those IDs," she greeted me. I'd asked her for some fake IDs so me and some of the girls could get into clubs.

"Yeah," I said deadpan, "I'm sure you did."

She keyed on my mood but didn't outwardly react. How should I handle this?

"Willa, you are an undercover cop," I sighed. "I don't know who you are with and I don't care. I don't want to cause you trouble, I simply want a favor." Willa rocked off her ride and took a few steps toward me.

"Asshole," she growled, "that isn't funny. I ought to fucking slap you like the punk-ass bitch you are."

"You won't -- you are a cop and that's still assault because I'm not threatening you or threatening to blow your cover so that your life would be at risk," I related. Seeing Willa's consternation, I explained. "Valarie has been through this a time or two."

"Zane, I'm not a cop and I'm not kicking your ass because you are a cute guy, but stop screwing with me," Willa changed up her defense.

"Fine," I shrugged. "I'm going to have a talk with Belle. I'm sure she will believe me. I felt I owed you a chance because you are a law enforcement officer and you are risking your life for me, the general public."

"Don't go to Belle," Willa reached out and put an arm on my bicep. "It doesn't matter that your idea is a load of crap; Belle will tell Deacon and then I'm screwed."

"Willa, you can walk away from this situation whenever you want," I told her. "Belle can't. This is her life and I'd prefer she not die living it."

"Zane, you hadn't even met her before Thursday night." she groused.

"That's pretty much what I said," Valarie finally chimed in. "I'm only here because Zane doesn't know anyone else who could be relied on to keep their mouth shut."

"You don't believe this crap about me being a Fed, do you?" Willa joked.

"Absolutely," Valarie said without hesitation. "Zane is crazy but he's spot-on when dealing with women. Case in point: Zane took that little fluff with him to the bathroom while peeling off Rio's girlfriend, a black belt in Karate, to guard me. He knew he would get you bitches to give Rio up, though he didn't have a plan going in. If he tells me you are a cop, you are a cop."

I clearly had Willa flummoxed. After a minute in silence I shook off Willa's hand and turned for my car. I stopped when I had the door open.

"I'm going to see Belle at the Fallout Shelter tonight," I said. "If you do something to stop me, I'll make sure Tara knows, and while she and Belle have problems, they are twins and she won't let her sister do serious time."

"I'm not confessing to anything but I think there is something you should know. Deacon Baker served with Belle's husband and brother-in-law. Her brother-in-law ran the Warlords chapter but he and his brother got caught up in an ATF sting. They wrapped up Belle's husband but before they could grab the brother -- who could tie up the whole criminal enterprise -- he vanished. He was last seen with Deacon," Willa explained.

"Deacon didn't wait around to see if the guy would stay loyal; he removed the threat," Willa added. "If he thinks I'm a threat, he'll have me removed too."

"Cry me a river," Valarie rolled her eyes. "You are sticking your nose where it doesn't belong."

"I'm not a damn cop," Willa snarled.

"Where are you from?" I asked Willa. I caught her off-guard but she snapped back soon enough.

"Tampa Bay, Florida," she shot off.

"Nope. I think you are from Wisconsin or Minnesota -- it's your skin complexion and the way you roll some of your consonants off your tongue and lips," I said. Willa's eyes narrowed. Now she was pissed.

"Are you going to shoot us with the 9mm at your back or help Zane out'?" Valarie sounded bored.

"This is totally wrong," Willa persisted. She tried to stare me down but I could see something inside give way. "I'm not saying I am an undercover cop but if I was, what would you want?"

"Give Belle as much shelter as you can. Hopefully she ends up with probation," I offered.

"What is in it for me?" Willa sighed.

"What can I do for you?" I answered.

"Do you know who took out Deacon?" Willa inquired.

"Yes," I replied. I could feel Valarie's head snap behind me and her eyes bore into the back of my head.

"Who was it?" Willa increased her intensity.

"I would tell you but I like living without the benefit of life support," I joked.

"I'd cry bullshit, damn you, except I saw the beating they took and that scares the crap out of me," Willa grumbled. "Okay, Zane, if you ever get the chance to tell me, do so."

"Deal," I agreed.

"Great; we are all friends," Valarie stated sarcastically. "Now fuck his face, suck his dick, and we can get going; I have to eat dinner with my sister, Dad, and the cunt he married."

"What?" I glared at Valarie.

"No way!" Willa declared.

"Listen, bitch, you are going to need to describe what it feels like on your tongue from the ball-sack to the tip of his cock," Valarie lectured.

"I've seen a video," Willa countered.

"And you are such a bang-up storyteller that the 18-year old boy genius ID'd you in two minutes, or have you missed the last ten minutes of your life?" Valarie mocked her.

"He seems to be the exception," Willa noted.

"The average girl that attracts Zane's attention can do calculus in her head, and the one who can't is his family," Valarie responded.