Christmas Blessings

"A little. I saw some paperbacks in your study yesterday. May I borrow one of them?"

He gestured for her to go ahead of him and while she looked through his shelves of books, he sat and picked up the papers he had abandoned the night before. Soon, his eyes strayed from the paper again and roamed to where she stood, her fingers running over the back of the books as if they were pets she were stroking.

He watched her run her fingers over the spines and a small shiver went through him, he wondered what it would be like if she were running those same fingers over his skin instead of paper and ink. He wondered what her skin would feel like under his searching fingers. He knew it was soft, he could still feel her cheek in his palm. He knew she smelled good, felt fantastic, and the sound of her voice was soft and gentle with an inherent sensuality that matched her blonde beauty. But he couldn't help but wonder what she tasted like. He felt a spurt of guilt and his eyes strayed to the picture of his wife.

"Can't find anything you like?" he asked suddenly, needing to break the tension that he was feeling. He looked back at her and saw her bite her bottom lip in indecision and almost groaned.

"That's just opposite of my problem. These are mostly all my favorites. I love John Sanford and JD Robb. I just don't know which one to read now." She looked up suddenly as if just hearing what she said.

"You're remembering." Nathan was pleased for her and watched as a frown came across her face again. "What? What is it?" he asked.

"Why can I remember something as inconsequential as an author that I enjoy reading but I can't remember my own name?" She sank down into the leather chair that was next to the shelves, still holding the two books in her hands. "I could have a family, a husband and kids that don't know where I am and I don't remember them."

Nathan went to her, he took the books out of her hands and crouched in front of her. He let his hands rest gently on her knees feeling the warmth of her skin through the thin fabric of her pants. "You'll remember, Carlie. It'll just take some time. You remembered things today and the rest will come." He looked up into her beautiful features, amazed at the pain he felt inside at the tear that slid slowly down her cheek.

"Oh, don't do that." Ever gentle, he slid his hand to her face, wiping away that tear with the same sweet caress of his thumb. His eyes met hers and held for a moment feeling something magnetic stir between them. He didn't know if she moved first or if he did but suddenly her lips were against his, the kiss soft, gentle, moist. Their lips clung and Nathan felt heat streak through him. And pleasure. And even more disturbing, need and want.

He broke the contact, quickly moving away from the temptation she presented, turning his back on her.

"I...I'm sorry," Carlie said, her voice a quiet murmur.

Nathan waved his hand at her, dismissing her apology. "It's my fault," he said, looking over his shoulder. "I should be the one to apologize. I'm going to...ah check on the furnace. You go ahead and find your book, relax this afternoon." He walked away, his heart heavy, his mind whirling. The guilt of the desire he felt weighed heavily on him.

Carlie sat where he left her, the books on the floor next to her chair, her fingers on the softness of her lips, still feeling his kiss. The confusion of the last two days, waking up in a strange room, with a strange man and not knowing anything about herself, seemed to evaporate under the heat of his lips.

He was kind and thoughtful, wonderful with his children and with her. He was funny and hard working. Handsome didn't begin to cover his dark looks coupled with those riveting blue eyes. She could remember the way he'd looked this morning, skidding into the kitchen in his stocking feet, the tee shirt still around his neck leaving his chest bare. Her fingers had itched to touch him, ached to explore the lean muscles and taut skin.

And when he'd smiled at her, over the heads of his children, he'd drawn her into the warmth and light of his family in a way that had made her heart ache as much as her fingers had. Was she falling for him? Was it a case of hero worship due to the fact that he'd saved her life?

What about her? Was she betraying someone feeling like this? Oh, God. Was she being unfaithful to a husband? She tried so hard to think of someone, to see a face in her mind of the man she could be married to and the only face she saw was his, Nathan's. She looked down at her hands, studying the slender fingers. Were there supposed to be rings there? And where were they if she was married? She didn't feel married, did she?

Her mind rocked and her head ached, making her dizzy. She picked up the books, taking both of them with her and went to the beautiful yellow room to lay on the bed trying to pry away at the wall that blocked her memory until she finally slept, exhausted.

~~~~~~~~~~~

The next days passed slowly, the kids taking up plenty of time. Both adults did what they could to stay out of each other's way. Carlie didn't see the pained glances that Nathan gave her when she wasn't looking. She didn't see the heat in his eyes or the admiration in his gaze as he watched her play with his children, cook and clean up or just walk across the room.

He felt the pull to her and fought it. He couldn't help the guilt he felt, the knee jerk reaction that he had cheated on his wife. It was a year ago today since she had died, a day that he knew would be hard on all of them.

Carlie hurt inside. Her attraction to Nathan was growing with every moment she spent in his presence. He still treated her with the same gentle consideration, making her laugh at his antics even as she felt the wall of guilt he had throw up around himself. She swore she could feel his eyes on her at odd times, but when she turned he was always looking elsewhere or caught up with something that he was doing with the kids.

She was remembering, as he had said she would. Little things were coming to her, her likes and dislikes especially. She would say something and suddenly something would come to her. But never a face, or a name. Never anything that could tell her who she was.

The snow had stopped leaving a world outside that was clean and serene. Ice hung from the eaves and off the trees. The snow was a drifting sea of white, in some places close to three feet deep where the wind had blown it. The road in front of the house was still unplowed, no tracks marked it's pristine surface. They had heard snowmobiles in the distance a few times in the past couple of days. The phones were still out but they had plenty of food, electricity and each other to keep away boredom.

Nathan was determined to be cheerful today. He knew the girls were too young to realize what today was and he hoped that Michael wouldn't remember either. He didn't want them to forget their mother, far from it. He wanted them to remember the happy times, the good and wonderful love they had all shared, and not the months leading up to her death. Those months had been terrible, her illness shattering their lives so quickly. The treatments had left her weak and ill, too tired to play. Her hair had fallen out, those beautiful auburn locks that he had loved to touch.

He shook his head, dismayed at the train of his thoughts.

"Okay, who wants to go get a Christmas tree today?" he asked of the three children who were gathered around the table finishing the breakfast Carlie had made. There was a chorus of "I do's" along with Meggie's tiny voice piping in with her "me me me's".

"But daddy, how are we going to go to buy it? The road hasn't been shoveled yet." Katie, his worrier, asked.

"Well, we aren't going to buy it this year. We're going to go and chop it and then haul it back here and put it up tonight."

"Chop it? Like in the woods?"

Carlie spoke for the first time from where she was standing sipping her coffee. "Maybe Meghan and I should stay here and wait for you guys?"

"Oh no," Nathan said, smiling at her. "You don't get out of the work that easily. We'll take the snowmobile and the sled. Michael can ride with me, and you girls can ride on the sled and guard the tree on the way back. What do you think?"

He saw her indecision and went to her touching her arm, the first time he had voluntarily touched her since he had kissed her. "You can borrow some of my warmer clothes and we'll rustle you up some boots. What do you say?" he asked, feeling guilty but wanting her with him today.

She smiled, her gaze caught in his. When he looked at her like that, like Meghan did when she wanted something and threw everything she had into making those puppy dog eyes, how could she possibly say no? "Okay, but I'll warn you now. I've never chopped down a tree."

He smiled at her with such warmth and she felt her heart lurch. "Nah, you don't chop. That's he man stuff for lumberman Mike and I to do. You girls just pick out the tree. Right Mike?"

Michael, ever the ham, pulled up his shirt sleeves and started making muscles while Katie booed and hissed at him. Meghan walked up to her father and pulled on his pant leg.

"Daddy, I got big muscles too. Can I chop down the tree too?"

Nathan picked her up, propping her on his hip and made a production of feeling her tiny, slender arms. "Wow, you do got big muscles. Maybe we should let you haul the tree home."

She grinned at him, her smile so much like his own, then wiggled down to show off her muscles to the other two.

"Thank you," Nathan told her, watching the kids with worry in his eyes.

"What's wrong?" Carlie touched his arm, feeling the warmth of the bare skin and muscle beneath her fingers. "You look upset today. Is there anything I can do?"

The kids cleared away their dishes then raced from the room to get ready, Meghan skipping along merrily behind them, unnoticed by the two adults.

"It's nothing. I'm fine." Nathan tried to brush her concern away, rubbing his hand over his face. But Carlie wasn't to be denied.

"You look strange today and you haven't slept. I can see the shadows under your eyes." She hesitated a moment and then forged ahead bravely. "If it was that kiss, if that's what's bothering y..."

"My wife died a year ago today," he said, interrupting her, suddenly unable to hold it back anymore. He reached for Carlie, wrapping his arms around her and holding her as tried to control the way he felt. The pain, the guilt of his reactions for another woman, his worries for the children, all rolled up to leave a ball of misery in his stomach.

Carlie held him to her, feeling his big body shake under her hands. She rocked him slowly, not saying anything, just holding him while he needed her. She felt his pain and his need and understood it. She would give just about anything for him to not have to go through what he was dealing with today and would do whatever she had to do to help.

Her hands stroked over his back, her caress light and soothing. How long they stood like that, she didn't know. He finally lifted his head, looking down at her, his eyes shadowed by an expression she'd never seen in them before. He touched her face with his hand, his thumb lifting her chin and his mouth found hers.

His lips were hard and harsh, demanding things she wanted so fiercely to give to him freely. Her mouth opened under his, allowing for his tongue to invade the sweet dark recesses behind her teeth. Her eyelashes fluttered closed as she gave in to him, the heat of his mouth starting a chain reaction of feeling through her body, curling her toes in her thin shoes and her fingers in his dark hair.

He moaned, lost in the taste of her, the honeyed sweetness of her mouth that mixed with the taste of the coffee she had just drank. He moved his head, his mouth sliding slickly over hers to go deeper into the myriad pleasure of her lips. All thoughts but one had flown from his head. He wanted her, wanted to slip naked into her and sate himself in the sweetness of her passion. His mouth slipped from hers, finding her neck and feasting on the soft fragrant skin he found there.

She tipped her head back willingly giving of herself to him. His mouth was so hot, so aggressive against her throat that she felt her knees weaken. His hands went to her waist, finding the soft skin that he knew waited for him just under his sweatshirt that she was wearing. He slid his hands purposefully upwards, lifting the shirt as he went until her cupped her breasts over the thin cotton bra she wore. His fingers kneaded and pulled at the taut nipples that bumped against the fabric, his thumb slipping under the bra to touch the pebbled flesh.

At the first touch of his hands on her skin, she moaned. She felt the counter at her back and leaned against it weakly as he destroyed her thoughts and toppled her barriers with his potent touch. He nipped at her collar bone, his tongue laving at the mark he left before he picked up his head and stared down into her flushed face.

His eyes were half closed in his passion, the blue so dark it was almost black as he gazed down at her. His hips ground against her groin, letting her feel the proof of his need. He opened his mouth to speak but whatever he had been about to say was lost to the sound of the children rushing down the stairs.

They jumped apart, Nathan's hands leaving her soft skin reluctantly, seconds before the kids raced into the kitchen. Carlie turned to face the counter, needing a little time to control herself before facing the kids. Her heart was racing, her skin felt tight and too sensitive. Her mouth felt swollen from his lips. She knew she looked well kissed. She certainly felt it. And she longed for more.

"We're ready, dad," Michael announced, carrying the extra pair of boots he had found in the upstairs closet. "I found these for Carlie."

"Thanks, Mike," Nathan cleared his throat, trying desperately to act normally in front of his children. If they hadn't been there, how far would he have gone with his beautiful house guest. Would he have ripped her clothes off and taken her in his kitchen? God, with the fire running through him now, a fire he was having a hard time controlling, he thought he probably would have.

"Ah...why don't you two go outside while we get Meghan ready and we'll be out shortly." He felt like he could go outside with out his snow suit and be just fine today, the heat running through him was just that fierce. Maybe he should just go jam a snowball in his shorts and get it over with. As he was thinking this, Meghan walked in, she was carrying her coat but had managed to put on her snow pants and her boots, though the latter were on the wrong feet.

"I'm ready to go too, daddy," she chirped.

Carlie laughed and went to the little girl, touching Nathan as she walked past. She heard the hiss of his breath as the back of her hand brushed his groin and almost smiled. Right now, she wasn't going to think of anything or anyone else but him and his family. She was going to make this a fun day for all, and if seducing Nathan helped get his mind off of what had happened, then she'd do it. She wanted him. And the scary part of everything she had just come to determine, she was falling in love with him.

"Come on, baby. Let's fix those boots and get you ready. Did you go potty before getting your snow pants on?"

Nathan took a deep breath, willed the bulge in his pants to go away and went to get himself ready.

The morning went well, they rode out through the gate in the back yard fence and down into a valley full of trees. There were Douglas fir, Norway spruce and Scots Pine trees as far as the eye could see, all growing wild in this back woods paradise. Carlie jumped off the sled as it stopped and helped Meghan down. She turned a circle, breathing in the fresh air and sweet smell of the trees after being stuck in the house for all these days. A light snow started to fall and she was enchanted by the Christmas card picturesque scene. She turned as she felt Nathan's eyes on her and smiled at him. Acting as if she was bending over to tie the boots that were already firmly tied, she scooped up a handful of snow and soft packed it, standing and letting it fly. It hit him firmly in the chest.

She let out a peal of laughter at the look of shock on his face, and then started backing away as that look changed to determination and a plan for retaliation. Holding her hands out in front of her she backed up, accidentally stepping off the path the snowmobile and the sled had made and stepping into soft snow, landing on her butt in a drift. He stood over her, laughing and finally reached down and took her hand to help her up. She took it and jerked hard.

Instead of helping her out, he ended up face first in the snow next to her, as she sat there now laughing at him. He pushed himself up, his snowsuit deflecting the cold and wet as he spit out the face full of snow. "Oh, so you think that's funny do you?"

Carlie screamed and tried scrambling up but the too big clothing she borrowed from Nathan hindered her movements. He grabbed her rolling in the snow with her until she was under him. She had grabbed his arms when he rolled her and now her hands slid up to his shoulders, the big gloves caked with snow. They stared at each other, too aware of the other to pay attention to anything else. Until, with a thump and a giggle, Meghan landed on her father's back, driving them deeper into the snow.

"Hey," Nathan said, trying to catch his breath from the sudden attack.

"Can I make snow angels too, Daddy?" She rolled off his shoulder, pushing his face closer to Carlie's. He took advantage of the movement, stealing a kiss that took her breath away before he got up and pulled her out of the snow.

"That sure doesn't look like an angel," he said, indicating the deep impression they had been in.

He pulled Meggie out and turned hearing Carlie mutter as he walked by, "Maybe an angel being mauled by a bear." He turned and grinned at her, giving her a wink as her face, already red in the cold, turned a brighter shade.

"Daddy! Look at me!" Katie fell backwards, her red hair startling bright against the white of the snow. They trudged back to her, seeing her moving her arms and legs. Nathan picked her up out of the snow.

"Now there's a perfect angel," he kissed her on the cheek. "Hi Angel."

Katie giggled. "I'm not an angel, daddy, that's an angel."

Meghan stood on the back of the sled and jumped into a snowdrift. "My mommy's an angel, Carlie. God's gonna let her come and see me on Christmas."

Carlie looked at Nathan, seeing his eyes close as he watched his youngest. She went to the little girl, picking her up and putting her back on the wagon. "I know, your daddy told me your mommy's an angel. I bet she's the prettiest angel in heaven." She smiled as Meghan nodded her head seriously. "And I bet she's watching over you and your sister and brother all the time, too." She kissed her cheek, feeling the little arms wrap around her neck and squeeze. "So, shall we find a tree before we all look like a bunch of snowmen and are too heavy for your daddy to pull anymore?"

She trudged past Nathan still carrying Meghan, feeling his hand come out and squeeze her arm. She smiled at him. "Lead on, McDuff."

Nathan led the way, breaking a path in the fresh snow for the kids to follow and carrying the chainsaw. Michael was behind him, carrying the rope that they would use to 'tie up the tree so it don't get away'. Katie was next, given the job of final choice of trees once we had it decided down to two. A job which she took quite seriously. Carlie came next, dragging the sled that carried Meghan.

It took a while but they finally had the right tree, chosen by Katie and cut down by Nathan. He helped Michael tie up the branches and then they turned and followed the path back to the snowmobile. After getting the tree tied to the wagon, Nathan stowed the chainsaw in a small trunk.