Church Tales Ch. 6

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Reverend Ronnie ponders the evils of sex.
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Part 6 of the 7 part series

Updated 10/31/2022
Created 07/30/2000
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Chapter VI: Converts

THE FOLLOWING STORY IS TRUE. ALL EVENTS AND BEHAVIOR ARE FAITHFUL ACCOUNTS OF PAST EVENTS, ALTHOUGH NAMES HAVE BEEN ALTERED TO PROTECT MY POSTERIOR AND KEEP ME OUT OF COURT. WRITER'S LICENSE AND HUMBLE DISCRETION HAVE BEEN USED WHERE AND WHEN I FELT IT EXPEDIENT TO AVOID ADVERSITY OR TO ENHANCE EPISODE INTERVALS.

* * * * *

The reverend Ronnie Joe and I sat talking over coffee in my kitchen. Neither of us had any clothing on, as it had just been too much trouble to get dressed after our cooperative gratification of my fiancé's long unfulfilled fantasy. Susie was recuperating in the bedroom from the enjoyment of her two-lover fantasy and his wife had retired to their house after being thoroughly satiated the night before. In the background, we could hear the neighborhood awakening to another Saturday of weekend chores and fun. We knew it wouldn't be long before the pre-holiday reverie would be broken by the demands of our lives and families.

"Ronnie," I said, "Now that we've corrupted you totally, how do you feel?"

He sat quietly for several seconds, obviously deep in thought. Then he answered carefully, "I don't exactly understand my feelings at the moment. You kids did not, as you suggested, corrupt me. Every man is master of his own actions and should never blame anyone but himself if he fails in his own expectations. To say that I feel I've done something wicked would be untrue because I can't feel that anything which brought so much enjoyment to so many of us could really be evil. Sexual gratification between agreeable adults (you'll notice I didn't use the word consenting) I CAN NOT denounce.

"Because I'm a minister, certain factions of society expect me to be above personal enjoyment. Whether or not the members of my congregation would understand and accept my having extramarital sex, even with my wife's permission, is certainly open to debate. I suppose I'm still a bit in the old monogamous fidelity mode, as the thought of them finding out does give me pause."

"Sounds to me like you're trying to convince yourself that you've done no wrong," I speculated. "If it's any help, my opinion is that you've done nothing immoral. How can performing such a vital service, as well as providing so much happiness, for four people be considered sinful?"

"Interesting viewpoint. I like to think I've given something worthwhile to everyone", Ronnie sighed. "It is difficult to just forget my religious education and conservative upbringing though."

"Then don't forget your beliefs. Add to them. If your deity is as loving as I've always heard, then surely sharing that love can not be evil. My personal theology is one of open mindedness," I mused. "As an example, I am totally heterosexual. Yet I'm more than willing to allow someone else to enjoy homosexuality, as long as they don't try to force their beliefs on me. By the same token, I would be untrue to my own beliefs if I either tried to convert that person, or more importantly, if I condemned them for their actions and preferences".

"In other words, anything goes as long as the participants are willing, right?" Ronnie thought for a moment more then asked, "How do you feel about sadism, or bestiality, or sex with children?"

"O.K." I answered. "You've got me. I admit there must be limits. It's difficult to set those limits though, I think you'll have to agree. Let's you and I, for the purpose of this discussion and our own peace of mind, prescribe our boundaries as just plain, normal, heterosexual relationships. That sound O.K. to you?"

"You are a smooth talker, you are! I'm not sure but I think I've just made a pact with the Devil. I don't suppose you believe in him either, do you?"

"Not as a red colored, horned, forked tailed entity", I laughingly replied. "I believe that both the decency and the evil of the world are merely manifestations of human thought. I once heard it said that heaven and hell are merely conditions of the mortal mind. I think I can accept that statement."

Ronnie studied me for several long seconds before he continued, "Have you ever thought about being a minister? I'll bet you could out-talk Beelzebub himself if you put your mind to it".

Grinning at the thought, I ventured, "The closest I've ever come to considering preaching is my fantasy of forming my own church. Yeah! It'd be called The First Church Of Computer Science. Of course, I get to program the computer!"

Ronnie groaned, "Is that all you ever think of? There's more to life than sex, you know. Don't you have any plans for the future?"

"Sir!" I reprimanded. "Stand at attention when you mention sex to me. I'll have you know I have nothing BUT plans for the future! I intend to start on them right after I finish screwing every female on the planet!"

"You're hopeless," he laughed.

We talked about many things, as friends are wont to do when they're getting to know one another. A couple of hours of good-humored joshing and almost three pots of coffee later, Ronnie decided he'd better head home. Before he left though, he asked me if I'd be willing to attend his church sometime. Probably because we'd been enjoying each other's company and stories, I was in a particularly congenial mood and agreed before I thought about it.

Within the hour, Ronnie's wife Dianna came over and asked me what in the world I'd said to him. Oblivious to my nudity she told me he was happier than she'd seen him in years and he couldn't stop talking about me. Somehow or other, according to Ronnie, I'd promised to come to his church and talk to the congregation! I found it difficult to speak with my chin bouncing off my knees while Dianna threw her arms around me and tried to roto-route my tonsils.

"Oh that's so wonderful of you," she gushed. "We've been having trouble keeping our flock coming recently. I just know the people who are there tomorrow will love you and they'll tell others. Before long our little church will be overflowing again!"

The difficulty of biting back a scathing, "and so will the collection plate," was magnificently rewarded when she pinned me against the kitchen counter with her gyrating body, kissed me passionately and exited with an, "Oh thank you, thank you!"

I stood dumfounded, pointing at the door that had just closed behind her. No wonder I jumped three feet straight up without my feet leaving the floor when Susie asked, "What was that all about? Do you always point with that?"

Sheepishly I grinned, "I think I just became a minister".

Susie, still quite nude herself, stared at my naked body for a minute. Then she jeered, "Talk about letting the fox loose in the hen house! Letting you preach in church is about like making Hitler a Rabbi! Are you going to do it? 'Cause if you are, there's no way I'm gonna' miss this!"

I managed to stammer out, "I don't know. Ronnie and I were just shooting the bull, or at least that's what I thought we were doing. I gotta' call him".

As I moved to pick up the phone, Susie pulled my body against hers and said, "Hey, it might be interesting. You're always telling me how sexy churches are".

"Right! I can hear it now! I'm going to say, "Brothers and sisters, take off your clothes and we'll explore the religious temples of our bodies together," I sniggered. "You know that's not a bad idea. Maybe I could do something with that".

Then as Susie pulled me to the floor with her, I mumbled, "I'll think about it later!" Eventually we finished our interruption in the bedroom. When she was finally satisfied and dozing peacefully, I quietly slipped out to call Ronnie.

He confirmed that I was invited to speak from his pulpit the following day. I asked how we had gotten from a friendly suggestion that I attend his church to my being a guest speaker. Ronnie apologized and admitted he might have gotten a bit carried away. A BIT?

Like a dummy I agreed to accompany him to his church and said I would give a short talk. No restrictions were to be placed on my elocution and he promised he would back up anything I said. Talk about pressure! I liked the man and surely didn't want to see him burned at the stake, much less frighten away his source of income.

Throughout the evening and deep into the early hours of Sunday morning I wrote and discarded a multitude of notes, thoughts and foolishness. The ideas that came to me were all within the limits of conventional religious doctrine and platitudes.

Ten o'clock in the morning found me in Ronnie's office with no more idea what I should say than I had envisioned twenty-four hours earlier. He said to relax and I would do just fine. Easy enough to say for a guy who practiced his speaking skills every week. Perhaps, I thought, the audience wouldn't be able to hear me over the noise of my knees knocking together.

The service started with me sitting on the podium like someone who belonged and had at least a vague idea why they were there. After an opening prayer and several welcome (for the delay) songs, Ronnie introduced me simply as a guest speaker. At least this relieved me of having to live up to a title.

I stood, looked out at the small congregation and discovered a hidden gift. I enjoyed the attention of being the star attraction. Within the first few seconds I realized these people were a captive audience and would listen to whatever I said. They also would accept most of it as (no pun intended) gospel and were subject to the power of my voice.

I carefully scanned the dozen or so people before me and took a moment to make eye contact with each one before I spoke. I carefully avoided looking lower as at least a third of the people present were short skirted and attractive. If Susie hadn't had the foresight to bring a tape recorder, I would never have known what I said.

"Sisters and brothers, ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys," I began slowly, allowing myself a few extra moments to think.

"In the interest of truth and honesty I must first tell you I am not a man of God. Actually, I am a man who has questioned the very existence of a supreme deity throughout my life.

Does this make me an atheist?

No! This only makes me a searcher for evidence. For I maintain, that atheism is as dedicated a theological conviction, as is any mainstream religion. A true atheist can declare (with the same conviction as a bible-thumping preacher proclaims his belief in God) that THERE IS NO GOD! I can not do that, but neither can I argue the opposite.

The original concept of a supreme being was mans attempt to explain the unexplainable. I am neither so conceited nor so articulate as to believe that I can improve upon that concept.

Admittedly, I refuse to accept the normal depiction of a white bearded, old man in flowing robes as a manifestation of deity.

My God is nature and the world within which we live.

My God is the goodness and love of humans interacting with each other.

My God is the people of this world who give of themselves unto others so we may all live in peace, harmony and share a bit of happiness one with another.

My God is the nurse who cares enough to give that extra little bit, beyond what's required, to bring comfort to the ailing.

My God is the caregiver who helps an elderly patient through their infirmities and ignores their cantankerous attitude.

My God is the teacher who continues to share their knowledge despite the small pittance our society shares with them.

I pointedly turned to look at Ronnie Joe and his then at his family as I said, My God is the minister who suffers poverty and witnesses his family do without necessities to comfort - and guide - and care for his congregation.

My devil!

My devil is not a red colored demon with a forked tail and an evil leer.

My devil is the hoodlum who wantonly destroys property and feelings of security 'just for the fun of it

My devil is any person who would willfully bring pain to another being!

My devil is the leader who conveys his followers to destruction in the name of power and personal glory.

My devil is any person who says you must believe and act a certain way because that's the way they believe and choose to act.

My devil is any being or concept which deprives me of the license to shape my own future.

My devil is anyone who forcibly separates me from my loved ones.

My devil is anything or anyone who deprives those loved ones of their security.

My devil is anyone who would take away our freedom.

Which brings me to freedom.

Freedom, as defined by the president of Amway and probably badly misquoted by me, is the right to stand in the middle of a room and swing your arms about yourself without restraint.

Freedom ceases when the tips of your fingers begin to hit other people.

After a calculated pause, I continued, Freedom is the right to walk a different road than most of society. As long as you don't trespass on someone's sacred property or personal space I believe it is and should be acceptable to explore alternate, uncharted paths.

This doesn't mean I'm totally immune from prejudices when I encounter someone with a different moral code, or a different political attitude or even a different fashion style than mine.

When I see a man with long hair and an earring, I admit I'm a bit put off by his countenance. Surprisingly, the few individuals of this description I've encountered have turned out to be both pleasant to know and usually are easy to like and become friends with.

Some while back I began to associate with a man who runs a motorcycle shop in town. Through this association, several ladies and gentlemen who are best (carefully) described as bikers have become acquaintances. I admit it was eye opening for me when not only were these people quite nice but both helpful and caring.

My prejudiced attitudes were emphasized for me one night when my car broke down in the rain. It was after two in the morning and I managed to pull into the parking lot at Capital Hill shopping center. Do you have any idea how deserted that lot is at that hour of the morning even though you're on Central?

Had I wanted to burglarize one of the stores I suspect there would have been a multitude of blue clad knights in black and white cruisers there to deter such thoughts.

This particular morning all I had for company was the sound of rain ticking on the roof of my car. Then I heard a low rumble, which quickly became an earsplitting thunder as the noise echoed from the buildings encircling the horseshoe shaped expanse of the parking lot.

Sure enough I had attracted the attention of a group of LEATHER CLAD knights astraddle two wheeled steeds. One fuzzy faced individual with an open vest and no shirt knocked on my window. Fear of reprisal compelled me to open my sanctuary to the wet morning and the equally wet knight.

He smiled and called me by name (much to my surprise as I wasn't aware any of the bikers really knew me that well) and asked if he could help. I told him I had evidently flooded my car on one of the many puddles on Central and the battery was low from trying to start it. Directing me to stay inside my vehicle where it was dry, he told me to pop the hood. Then he asked one of the other bikers for his shirt.

After drying out my wiring and distributor with the shirt, the group put their shoulders to my car and gave me a push start. When I offered to pay, they were almost insulted. Then they followed me most of the way home to make sure I didn't flood out again. All this mind you while they were getting wet and cold themselves.

I would have to say that is my idea of true religion. Helping others and giving of yourself without prejudice or reservation even if it causes you discomfort.

Should I be asked if I believe in God, I would probably immediately answer with an emphatic, "No!"

Yet, I do believe in the sanctimony within each and every person. I believe we form our own theocracies in our minds. What is any religion except mental beliefs and attitudes?

Should I condemn someone because they were brought up to think and believe differently than me?

Is it wrong to believe that there is a white robed individual directing everything on this planet?

Is Allah a lesser deity than God?

Am I so significant that I can judge another person's attitudes and concepts?

I may not agree with someone's moral concepts.

I may not agree with their views on religion.

I may violently disagree with your - or your - or your politics!

But I realize more and more as I grow in experience that this very diversity of ideas is what makes this earth of ours such a wonderful place to live. Personally, I love to experience new theories and learn about different cultures.

Maybe I just love people.

I know I love the bodies we inhabit and I find them quite beautiful. At the risk of raised eyebrows I add to that statement, male as well as female. No, I have no questions about my sexuality and I definitely have no interest in men except as partners for women.

I probably should have been a nudist because I truly enjoy looking at unclothed people. If I seem a bit prejudiced here toward the females in the group, I refuse to apologize.

I also enjoy watching humans procreate. The act of physical love is exciting to most people as evidenced by the fascination to its various aspects we witness everyday from the advertising industry. Were our population not so hung up on sex I sometimes wonder if anything would ever be sold.

Do YOU enjoy looking at the opposite sex unclothed?

Tell me "no!" Then deny your interest the next time a scantily clad model appears on your TV in a commercial. Tell me "no" and I suspect I might find the type of person who will lie about important things also.

Teasing you pastor the other night I told him I have often fantasized about starting my own church. It would be the First Church Of Computer Sex! And I would get to program the computer.

We shared a good laugh, but as I was thinking about my talk this morning, I remembered that conversation. Should such a church be founded, I can guarantee you the congregation would quickly become quite large. Would this be wrong? Would this be evil? My answer would have to be a profound and emphatic, NO!

Is sex ever evil? Now there's a topic for several months of fruitless discussion.

Personally, I would say no, sex is never evil!

Possibly, there is someone in this chapel today who disagrees with me.

We could argue, discuss and cuss each other until we both turned blue from lack of air and neither of us would probably change our opinion. Who would be right and who would be wrong?

Each of us, in this room today, has already answered that question in the last few seconds to ourselves. Based on our upbringing, our attitudes and yes (that nasty word again) our prejudices we have declared our positions to our own minds.

AND YOU ARE RIGHT!

and I am right,

for everyone is always righteous in the privacy of their own mind. Every individual justifies their own attitudes to themselves.

AND BY GOLLY, no one had better say anything differently because we all know that our way is the only right way!

I leave you with the following challenge. Open your minds, you hearts and share your love with one another.

The man upon whom this whole concept of religion is based is purported to have said, "Love yee one another!"

Again, I paused long enough to make eye contact with every member of my captive audience, before I concluded with:

I challenge everyone within the sound of my voice today to think carefully upon those words. Ask yourself if you have truly taken them to your heart! Ask yourself if you have given totally of your body and of your mind to fulfill this simple command."

I sat down to the echo of a multitude of "Amen's". I noticed Ronnie Joe seemed momentarily at a loss for words. He sat for several lengthy seconds before slowly rising and standing silently at the podium. There he said, "Brother Leo told me he was unable to prepare his words in advance, even though he spent many hours trying to plan his talk for this morning. I'm sure he will deny this, even to himself, but if ever I heard an inspired sermon that was it."