Collateral Damage Pt. 01

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War is hell, even office wars.
8.1k words
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Part 1 of the 2 part series

Updated 10/28/2022
Created 11/12/2014
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I hated Teri Lee. I hated her because she was a smug bitch who said horrible things behind your back. I hated her because she was the company brown-noser who climbed past others more qualified than her using flattery and obsequiousness rather than skill and determination. I hated her because she was more than willing to dump on someone else if it made her look better. And, I hated her because she hated me.

And she hated me, mostly I suppose, because rather than falling in line with the other office lackeys in their sickening efforts to ingratiate themselves with her, I was more than willing to call her on her shit. I didn't go out of my way to cause a problem, but more than a few times I put her in her place. Of course, as a fellow manager, I was in a better position to push back than some of the other guys, and so I did.

We argued about office policy. We disagreed on hirings and firings and promotions. She accused me of favoring my friends and I returned the favor. And, we had completely different styles of management. She was an anal retentive perfectionist, endlessly evaluating and correcting the staff, always looking for a problem even if there wasn't one. She was more than willing to belittle or marginalize anyone that, somehow, didn't make it into her little circle of sycophantic friends. I believed in a more relaxed environment and had a tendency to ignore rules that I didn't think mattered and while I didn't particularly like some of the people in the office, I think I made a good faith effort to be fair.

And so, there'd been a sort of cold war between us for a long time, endless little disagreements, snide remarks and, at least on her part, low level backstabbing. But this was all pretty small stuff before the real war finally erupted between us.

The whole thing started when I got an e-mail that had also gone to HR about an unfortunate joke that Gabriel Prince, one of the actuaries, had told during office hours. It was a crude little story about a woman who became more interested in a man when she found out he was 'half donkey', and of course, Gabe, who had a history of relating ribald stories, foolishly elected to tell it to a large audience at lunch-time. Naturally a couple of the more uptight women, protégé's of Teri, saw an opportunity to get upset, and immediately informed Teri of the incident.

Right away, Teri demanded a formal reprimand, at least, and possible reassignment. I was pretty sure he wouldn't get reassigned, but knowing how a reprimand would cause issues for him when his yearly review came up, I strongly argued against it. E-mails were shot back and forth and then phone calls and, finally, some face to face conversations and group meetings, some of which became fairly heated. But I thought reason would eventually prevail and I was pretty sure I had control of the situation.

All that changed at a monthly divisional review meeting that all the various managers and some of the higher level associates, including Gabriel Prince, attended. We were reviewing practices and policies and, as usual, Teri had essentially commandeered the meeting to endlessly critique behavior and to point out how we were technically in violation of corporate policy when the strictest interpretation of the rules was taken into account. Her goal, it seemed, was to make everything we did subject to company rules, with her playing the role of a sort of Orwellian enforcer. But, this was nothing new and we listened to her drone on in relative boredom until she dropped a bomb.

As part of her 'concern' for the loose way we'd been following policy, she brought up and described, in general terms, the 'joke incident' and then, actually used the Gabe's name, at which time several people in attendance made furtive glances over to a now bright red Gabriel Prince. She went on to talk about how that sort of thing compromised the 'working environment' and that every person's emotional comfort must be valued and respected. She finished her little diatribe with an explosive statement.

"This sort of violation of corporate policy must be taken seriously and I'm bringing this issue up now, so that we can act as soon as possible. I believe we should hold an emergency meeting of the personnel committee and ask for a suspension without pay until HR's review is finished and when HR's review is out, consider any disciplinary action they suggest to be the minimal punishment we apply."

Her last statement sucked all the air out of the room leaving a dead silence. I was so taken aback that I found myself simply replaying her last statement, and its implications, over and over again in my mind, too stunned to offer any kind of an immediate rebuttal. Finally, though, when it became clear no one else was going to speak, I cleared my throat and began to talk as carefully as possible.

"Look I'm pretty familiar with the situation and I think this is an easily correctable issue and I'm pretty sure it can be handled without going nuclear here. I think we can wait for HR to gather all the facts and act after they've got some sort of a recommendation."

She rolled her eyes, shook her head and with a disgusted, pinched look, spit out her venom.

"Mr. Prince's actions were way over the line and what he said amounts to de facto sexual harassment and makes it a very uncomfortable working environment for the rest of the women here."

A few of her closest allies grunted in support, nodding their heads together like life sized bobble dolls in business dress. I grit my teeth in response and glanced over to Gabe, raising my eyebrows. I'd told him before the meeting to apologize publically and he recognized my signal, swallowed hard and started to speak.

"Look, Teri, I'm sorry, it was just a joke-a bad joke- that I admit was inappropriate..."

Teri's face clouded immediately. "That's Ms. Lee to you Mr. Prince..."

Gabe's face turned even redder and he stammered out another apology.

"L...L...look...Te...Ms. Lee, I'm sorry about the joke but I guess I thought..."

"That's the problem Mr. Prince. You didn't think. You simply added to an uncomfortable working environment. I'm not going to allow the women in this department to be subjected to this kind of abuse."

I was trying to look neutral, stay above the bickering and maintain a dispassionate demeanor, but I'd had enough, more than enough, and broke in with a little more force than I'd intended.

"Abuse? Really? He told a joke, and, as far as I was informed, most everyone there, the men and the women, thought it was funny enough to laugh at even though it was crude. They couldn't have been too offended."

Teri turned quickly and gave me a furious look. "I don't care who thought it was funny Grant..."

I held a hand up to stop her, trying as hard as possible to keep a serious look on my face without smirking. "That's Mr. Simmons to you..."

She took a deep breath in, her nostrils flaring with poorly concealed anger as her face turned a fiery shade of pink.

"Well...Mr. Simmons," she said using a clipped tone, spitting out my last name as though it was an epithet. "The problem isn't whether it's funny to some people or not. The problem is that some...many...of the women I work with did find it offensive and debasing. I personally talked to every woman in my division after the incident and they were nearly unanimous in their objection."

I sighed loudly. "Of course they were. They're all afraid to cross you and so they gave you the answer you wanted to hear. Let's face it, some of those very women laughed at that joke and probably repeated it, but none of them want to get on your bad side so now they claim it upset them."

Teri was still shaking her head. "Your...reluctance...to face up to the situation here is disturbing, Mr. Simmons. The women in this company deserve..."

"The women in this company," I interrupted forcefully, "are about as likely to tell an off colored joke or make some sexualized observation about the men as the men are about the women."

Teri laughed derisively. "Don't be ridiculous. The problem here, and everywhere with regard to sexual harassment, is men. Women simply don't contribute to this problem here or any other workplace, for that matter."

I was utterly flabbergasted that she'd make that kind of an assertion and found myself unable to speak for a moment.

"Are you saying that men are the only ones that ever create these kinds of issues? That they are the only ones that violate corporate behavioral standards?"

"The facts speak for themselves." She said grandly as she motioned toward Gabriel and then let the gesture carry over to all the other men seated at the table, implying, to me at least, that she held us all in contempt.

----@----

I went home that night in a sour mood. Rosie, my wife, sensed it immediately and tried to smooth things out. We had a nice dinner and she let me play with our two boys while she cleaned up. After they were in bed, we watched TV for a while until she snuggled up to me, licked my ear and asked if I wanted to talk about what was bothering me.

I denied anything was wrong, but she laughed at my obvious evasion and I eventually explained about the tension at the office and how Teri had turned a relatively harmless joke into a major problem.

She made me tell her the joke and she groaned and laughed and then shook her head.

"Well, that certainly leaves me with an interesting...visual. I guess I can see how someone who is a little conservative might find that pretty offensive, but..."

I felt a surge of frustration and interrupted her petulantly. "Great, now my wife's signing up with my worst enemy."

Rosie's face took on an expression of disappointed surprise. "Come on Grant..."

I took in a deep breath and raised my hand to stop her. "Sorry, I guess this thing's got me on edge. I didn't mean that."

She cocked her head and looked me over, like a doctor musing on what could be bothering a patient.

"Why do you let that up-tight bitch get to you? What difference does it make?"

"I know...I know, I shouldn't care, and usually I don't. But, now, her issues are starting to really hurt morale. Honestly, I think this might become a major problem for Gabe."

"Well, Gabe's not here right now, so I can't help with that, but maybe I can do something for you."

She bit her lip, raised her eyebrows suggestively and then leaned over and kissed me, letting her hand slip down to my crotch.

"Just so you know," she whispered breathily, "I'm glad you're half donkey. It may be socially embarrassing when you start braying and kicking in public, but it makes it a lot more interesting in the bedroom."

I laughed and she smiled at me, unzipped my pants and used her lips, her tongue and her hands to make me feel a whole lot better.

----@----

At work, over the next few weeks, a running battle between Teri and I continued, fought with quips and smirks and wry observations, both sides quick to point out any little inconsistency in standards, any behavior toward the opposite sex that might cross, or even approach the line of good taste and appropriate behavior.

Memos were sent, stories were told, and exaggerated. Everyone was on edge and morale was reaching a new low. The entire staff seemed to be walking on eggshells and nobody was happy.

Not surprisingly, our productivity faded and some questions were asked. I got a couple of e-mails from Jim Gompers, the Vice-President who was in charge of our division asking what was going on. I tried to downplay the interpersonal issues and predicted that the division would pick up again shortly, but he wasn't convinced and ended up sending over couple of the guys who check on efficiency and someone from HR to sort things out.

As can be expected, getting a checkup from the big bosses didn't help the atmosphere at all and, when questions were asked, the staff didn't exactly exude a feeling of kum-ba-yah teamwork. People started pointing fingers and taking potshots at each other, tensions increased and by the end of the month, one fairly important staff member resigned and two others hinted, very strongly, that they were looking for employment elsewhere.

After a fair amount of soul-searching, I faced the fact that I was, to some degree at least, part of the problem and I arranged for a couple of sit down talks with Teri to try and get some sort of a truce that would allow the office to function on a reasonable level. Not unexpectedly, though, her interpretation of what the issues were and what to do about them was radically different than mine. Her stance was that the office lacked discipline and that we needed to get tough, maybe even fire some people, rather than to try and make it a more relaxed place to work. I tried to see things her way, politely at first and then with a little less diplomacy. We ended up arguing heatedly and our positions ended up hardening, rather than softening. By our final meeting, she had become insistent that we lay down the law to the associates and that we move to terminate, rather than reprimand Gabe. I made it clear in no uncertain terms, that I wouldn't tolerate any kind of a purge and that I'd block her in any way possible.

Shortly after our last sit-down, Teri fired the next shot in her 'get tough' policy, sending out a general e-mail detailing her intention to get HR involved for even the smallest infraction of the corporate rules and to evaluate, more thoroughly, workplace efficiency, with an eye toward disciplining anyone who seemed to be lagging. She also sent e-mails to me and the other managers reiterating her intention to clobber Gabe and a couple of other employees that she thought were slacking.

Productivity picked up some, but the work atmosphere continued to tank, and another staff member resigned. The philosophical gap between Teri and I had become an unbridgeable chasm and I was convinced something had to be done.

----@----

Around this time, some of the guys invited me out to shoot some pool one night. Normally, I didn't do much socializing, but given the circumstances at work, I was more than a little interested in any activity that would boost morale and I figured I could use a little bit of fun myself so I called Rosie to make sure it was ok if I came home late and to let her know I'd be eating out.

We went to a local place that had 3 tables and a pretty good bar and grill, so in between games, we sat around to eat and drink. I was having a pretty good time, shooting the shit with the guys, talking football and golf and the stock market when the subject of women, inevitably, came up. Guys started talking about who they thought looked good and then shifted over to who they'd like to bed and then, in low, whispering voices, started mentioning who had actually gotten into the sack with whom.

Now, there was this young kid by the name of Devin Tinian that worked in shipping who had a reputation for being very popular with the ladies. He listened to some of the other stories for a while, but then started to brag himself. He talked about the women he'd bagged and how easy it was and, egged on by the nodding, smiling guys surrounding him, eventually started to spout off about how he was sure that he could get just about any girl in the sack given enough time. He wasn't shy about it or particularly discreet either. He named places, named times, named techniques and named names, and some of his spiel became more than a little hard to believe.

After a while of listening to this, I gave him some shit back, telling him that he though way too much of himself. He snorted back at me in annoyance and, continued on, every now and then glancing at me to see if I'd heard his latest claim. He seemed intent on making sure I knew about all of his exploits. After a while, I didn't want to listen any more, but didn't feel like challenging him to stop, so I slipped away to a corner table, ordered some French fries and started to munch away by myself.

The group started to break up and play some more pool and Devin, uninvited, plopped into the seat next to me.

"Hey, it sounded like you thought I was bullshitting back there."

I took him in for a minute. "Seriously, kid, I'm sure you've tapped a lot of pussy, but I'm just not buying the idea that you've never struck out or that you can seduce any woman you want. It's just pure crap, ok? So don't try and feed me that kind of a line. I'm just not buying."

"Look, man, just because you can't imagine it, doesn't mean I can't do it."

His confidence and arrogance was galling. I folded my arms and contemplated him a minute, eyeing him dubiously.

"So, you're saying that you can get any woman...any woman at all...into bed?"

"Yep."

"So, if I pointed out a woman...not some hag or some grandma...someone you'd be able to bed without having to shut your eyes, you're absolutely sure you could fuck her? Not make out or get handsy, but actually fuck her?"

"Yep, given enough time." He looked thoughtful for a second. "And she has to like guys. Dykes don't count."

Keeping my arms crossed, I continued to look at him skeptically, pursing my lips as I considered what he'd said and the confidence with which he'd said it. I decided to challenge him.

"Would you be willing to lay some money on that?"

"Like a bet?"

"Yea, exactly. A bet. We pick out some girl. You win if you bed her. I win if you strike out after a reasonable amount of time."

"How much time?"

"Say, a month or so."

"Are you good for the money? I don't want to go through a lot of time and trouble to get some girl into bed and then have you pretend it was some sort of a joke or something...""

"Of course I am. Ask around if you want. But you'd have to furnish some sort of proof. I'd have to see a cell phone picture or something. I'd have to be sure it wasn't photo shopped. But...I'll lay 5 bills that you can't within a month."

He leaned back and thought about the wager and I studied him again for a few more moments, trying to decide if he might be able to pull it off. He seemed like the kind of guy that women would like. Tall with an athletic build and the mandatory 3 day growth a facial hair, he had the kind of a look that got men parts in movies and on TV. His appearance, coupled with his obvious confidence and the gift of gab made it easy to believe that he'd been a successful Romeo. But, I still had my doubts he could get any woman, especially the one I had in mind.

Maybe he was thinking the same thing, because his face showed a trace of doubt, that dissolved quickly back to his overly confident baseline.

"Ok...you're on. I'm up for it. But...who's the chick?"

I leaned back and looked at the ceiling, pretending to think. After a couple of minutes I leaned forward and looked at him with a smirk.

"You know who Teri Lee is?"

He wrinkled his brow and shook his head a little.

"She's in accounting. Wavy brown hair, maybe five and a half feet. A few freckles. Sort of bitchy..."

A look of recognition flashed across his face. "Kind of big tits, ok butt, wears pants mostly, kind of uptight?"

"Yeah, that's more or less right..."

"Oh, yeah. I know her. She's pretty good looking really. Isn't she the one that's busting everyone's balls about workplace sensitivity and shit?"

"Yeah, is that a problem? I mean if she sounds too hard and you want to back out..." I raised my eyebrows, daring him to say no.

"No way man...no way. She's probably different away from work and tough chicks are a hell of a lot more fun to crack than sluts."

I laughed at his arrogance. "OK then. We're on?

He gave me an insufferably confident grin, held out his hand and we shook. "We're on."

"Teri Lee it is. You've got a month."

So, there I had it, the classic win-win situation for me. If he failed, he'd have to eat crow and pay me 500 bucks. If he succeeded...well...then I'd have something to counter Teri's ongoing argument that all men were pigs and that any violation of workplace rules had to be dealt with as forcefully as possible. I'd have something incontrovertible. And personal.