Coming Home

Silently, I watch her as she take a few minutes to calm herself. Finally, she turned back to me.

"I. J. did your dad hit you?" she asks almost pleadingly.

"Leave it alone. I don't need you to protect me. I can take care of myself. I have been doing so since you pus..." I started but cut myself off as I notice the look on her face.

"Eliz, trust me, I know what I am doing. I'll be fine." I said. She has such a painful look on her face that I walked over to her and run my hand down her face like she did to me. As my fingers cleared her face, I look deep into her eyes and she calmly returned the gaze. My eyes flicked to her lips and back again. I Stepped away from her before I lose control.

"I have to go." I added in alarm. I almost ran out of the bush. I can't believe I just did that; I just betrayed myself. She'll now know that I still cared, that she still has power over me. I can't believe that I could fall apart like that. All these years, I have convinced myself that I am way over her. It's almost a shock to come and burst open like this. I am almost halfway home when I realized that I called her Eliz. I was the only person that ever calls her that.

"Fuck!" I swear again.

Grudgingly, I turn a corner away from our house and start making my way to the cemetery. I nearly passed the entrance as my mind is wandering on what Eliz must be thinking of me. I found the grave easily because it was one of the newest. I read the tombstone. My grandpa was a great man and wealthy too. Gingerly I kneel beside the grave and run my hand gently on the wet soil. I regret not coming home after my school program, even if for a visit, at least to see him one last time before he died. He was closest to me in my family because he understood. He always tried to keep an open mind. I even feel a lot bad that I hadn't wanted to attend his funeral, and to think that I am here just because Lillian told me about Eliz's wedding -- that had been enough to drag me home but his death hadn't. I know I resented everyone after they sent me away to stay with my aunt, but he had been an old man then, almost 86. I just wish he will forgive me.

As I knelt there pondering, my mind soon switches to Elizabeth and what she is doing to me. She was the only person I have ever felt so much love and passion for. And the love I feel for her obviously, is still powerful. I don't know what she wants from me. If only she'll tell me, then I wouldn't be so scared. If I am to believe what I read in her eyes and her touch, I will say that she wants me too. But, I know I read that same message from her eyes the last time we were together. Maybe, I'll just seduce her and have sex with her with no strings. Is that possible?

Very soon, my legs start hurting from having to kneel for a long time, so I stretched out my legs and sit on the ground. I have on black jean trousers, so I am not worried about stains. I sit there for long hours. I don't want to go home and face my parents because I know that my dad must have definitely told my mom what happened between us. I only wish I had a book. At least, it will help to keep my mind off things. As it starts getting dark, I place a call to editor/manager Amber. I just hope I'll catch her at lunch. I know Nigeria is 5hours or so ahead. She picked the call on the third ring. We talked about my new book which is due out in a month. She urged me to start work on the new ideas I showed her earlier as my reason for coming back to Nigeria. But when she asks when I am returning, I find that I couldn't answer. All my senses wanted to say soon -- a week latest, but my heart refused to allow my lips to open. At last, I told her that I still have a few things to tidy up before coming back.

"Is she there?" she asked suddenly.

"Who?" I respond rather flabbergasted.

Amber chuckled to herself. I remember telling her about Elizabeth once, but I didn't think she'll remember; not after all these long years ago. And to think she even put two and two together.

"Just be sure to tell me all about it later, okay?" she said. "I am going to run, see ya." Amber concluded as she signed off.

I got up off the floor and pocketed my phone. I look around and notice it's getting darker. I know that in a few minutes, it will be pitch black. I didn't waste any time before I break into a run. Within minutes, I cleared the cemetery and was on my way home. I enter the house and greeted my grandma. I notice two of my aunts sitting together; the others must have gone back to their husbands. The remaining ones will surely leave in the morning, along with everyone else. I didn't see my parents anywhere which is just as well.

I entered my room and undressed in front of the mirror. I stood naked staring at my reflection. My huge nipples are standing erect and pointed on my small boobs. I run my hands over them and then down my tight tummy to my hips. I hook my thumbs into the waist band of my panties and pull down. Then my hands return to massage my pussy lips. I notice I am a little moist as I continue touching myself. My finger slide down to my opening and I pushed two of them inside and start fingering myself. Very soon, I slip them out and pushed them into my mouth as I staggered to the bathroom. After my shower, the day's event hit me so hard that I collapsed naked on the bed. Some hours later, I feel someone shaking me awake. I open my eyes to see Lillian leaning over me.

"Your mom sent me to see how you are doing." She started. "Your dad mentioned what happened. I am sorry I wasn't around." She concluded. I could clearly make out her words but somehow I couldn't answer. She looks at me for awhile, and then sighs as she got up to leave. At the door, she turned again.

"You told your dad that you still love her." She started again. I sigh heavily and close my eyes. "Maybe you need to tell her how you still feel about her. I'm sure she has changed. At least, it's still better than you hurting like this... goodnight." She finally whispered as she close the door behind her. I feel the tears gather and run down the corner of my eyes into my hair. I lack the strength to wipe them off, instead, I roll around and buried my face in the pillow and cried myself to sleep again.

The next morning, I watch as everyone got ready and left. I even had to go up and hug my dad as I apologized for disrespecting him once again. As they all left, finally it's just me and my grandma. It feels actually good to be alone in the house with just my grandma. Her sister is coming later in the day or tomorrow to stay with her, in case I decide to leave after all. I go up to my grandma and hug her to myself. Then I release her and enter my room and switch on my laptop. I just have an interesting idea that needs to be put down for my next book before I forget. When the system is ready, I start typing like a maniac but before I could finish the fourth paragraph, the system tripped off. There is no electricity and I lack the energy to go and switch on the generator set. I rummaged in my bag for a pen and a paper. Then, I start putting my ideas down. I always preferred the old system of putting pen to paper to the new mechanical way of writing. The pen strokes are flowing very easily and freely I was relaxed. The fresh breeze and the heavy silence is enough to do that.

I must have dozed somewhere along the line because the next time I opened my eyes, I see the fan turning up in the ceiling. At first, I thought that it was the fan that woke me up. I stretch and look at my wrist watch; it was just a few minutes before 4pm. I must have slept longer than I had earlier thought. Then I heard the clap again. Down here, you don't knock on people's doors; you just stand close to it and clap your hands together while shouting for them. I got up and slowly made my way to the front door. It's probably one of our neighbors looking for my grandma. I wonder why she is not opening the door, if she is at home at all.

I open the door and my breath catch in my throat. Eliz is standing there with her hands ready to clap again. When I recover my voice, I murmured a greeting and she answered. She looks so beautiful and smell so fresh. I want to reach across and hug her to myself. The urge is too strong I had to take a few steps away from her and away from the door way. She entered and start heading towards my room. I know she must have done that out of a learned behavioral condition which started when we were young. Then, we used to hang out in our different rooms and not anywhere else in the house. I reluctantly followed her into my room.

When I entered the room, she is sitting quietly on my bed. I walk past her and sit on the desk chair. I don't want to risk sitting beside her. I openly ogle her body. I don't care anymore if she noticed. But, she didn't because she is silently studying her nails; one after the other. From her countenance, I can see that she is very nervous about starting whatever business that brought her here. I almost felt sorry for her.

"Do you need a drink?" I ask. "I'm sure there are still some left from the funeral."

She raise her head and nod a little, her eyes still averted from mine. I almost start feeling guilty for making her feel like that. For the second time in less than ten minutes, I feel the strong urge to really hold her tight in my arms but instead, I jump up and hurried to the kitchen to get the drink. I find a bottle of scotch and poured a finger to myself. I swallowed and grimaced, then, I pour another finger. I discard the glass and grab a bigger glass. Then, I pour half a glass and take it down in two gulps. I stand by the sink and allow the tears to escape freely. Minutes later, I cleaned my eyes and start towards my room, armed with another half glass of scotch for Elizabeth. As I open the door, I gasp in shock. The glass fell from my hands to the floor and the drink splashed on my feet. But I barely notice as I stood with my mouth hanging open.

Eliz is standing in the middle of my room totally... totally NAKED! I am frozen to the spot. As if from the distance, I hear the room door close behind me. I have never really seen her totally naked before, though I have seen a part here and there, but never the whole thing at once. I watch in trepidation as if I am out of my body as my eyes centered on her chest, then slowly made their way to her navel and then pause for eternity on her crotch. Try as I might, I couldn't tear my eyes away from her. I could hear my breath coming in short gasps and my nipples hardening under my shirt. My whole body is filled with goose bumps which reappear immediately the first set clears up. Finally, my eyes left her crotch and focused steadily on her pink full lips. I could feel myself being drawn to those full lips. Then finally, I look her in the eyes. She has been studying me silently all these while.

"Is this what you want?" she asks as our eyes meet and held together. Silently, I shake my head no.

My heart is beating a mile a minute. She glides over to me sexily. I am frozen to a spot, unable to move. As she got near, she stretches out her hand but I raise mine to stop her.

"Please, don't touch me." I croak at her. My throat is suddenly very dry and my voice shaking real bad.

"Is this not what you want?" she asks again cupping her boobs. "I know you've wanted this since, from the way that you look at me." She continued more firmly as she starts to massage her medium sized boobs. She flicked her thumbs over her nipples and they shoot out immediately. I was hypnotized. I stare at her well shaped breasts with her hard perfect nipples and nearly lost it. I want to devour her. I take a step towards her as I finally raise my eyes to her big brown orbs but she shifted her eyes immediately to the floor. I feel bad for her because I know what this must have taken from her. Reluctantly, I raise my hand to touch her, but she flinched which didn't escape my notice. I withdrew my hand and turn away from her.

"Please Eliz, you don't know what you are doing. Just get dressed and leave, please." I plead.

She shuffle her feet, then take a few steps towards me, then stopped.

"I. J. please, look at me." She said

I ignored her and stood my ground. When she noticed that I have no intention of turning to her, she covered the remaining gap between us and circled my waist and pressed her hot body to mine. I could feel her soft breasts and their hard nipples pressed firmly to my back. I take a shaky breath and try not to enjoy it so much.

"Tell me you don't want this." she whispers in my ear as she press tighter into my back. I remained silent because, I am afraid that I will betray myself if I speak.

"Tell me you don't want to feel my warm body on top of yours or the feel of my arms running all over you? Her fingers raced across my tummy to cup my boobs into her hands. I lean my head on her shoulder as I take a shaky breath. Slowly, she turn me to face her and I put up no resistance.

"Tell me you don't want to feel this," she said as she run her hand down my face. "Or this?" she said. I hold my breath in anticipation as she slowly lean forward and claim my lips. When we touched, her lips melt on my trembling ones. I had forgotten how good she tastes. Her kiss is soft and timid; almost innocent, but her scent is enough to drive me wild. I feel her tongue probe my lips and withdraw again. When I feel her tongue again, I opened my lips to her and she pushed her tongue inside my mouth. I let her dictate the pace of the kiss because I don't want to scare her with the weight of my passion. But In due time, she break away from me which is as well because I am beginning to lose control. She rests her forehead on my lips for a while as she takes a deep breath.

"Don't you want this?" she asks raising her head. I could still feel her sweet breath on my face. I take a deep breath to control my nerves.

"Eliz..." I croak. I cleared my throat and try again.

"Eliz, I think you should leave. This isn't a good idea." I said

"Why? Don't you want this?" she countered.

"It's not that," I replied in lack of something better to say.

"Then, what is it? I remember you were so eager to jump into bed with me the last time."

As she said that, the full force of her betrayal hit me once more. Blindly, I swung my hand and hit her on the left cheek. She held that part of her face as she stares at me steadily. I know she will never hit me back. I am horrified at myself. I know I am hot tempered but I didn't know I could hit someone I love as much as I love Eliz.

"Does this make you happy?" she asks still holding her face.

"Eliz, please just go." I said as my eyes clouded over.

"You are acting as if you are the only one with feelings. I was hurt too." She said as she turns and start picking up her clothes. I followed her and grab her hand, flipping her around to face me.

"You were hurt too? How?" I asked incredulously. I couldn't believe my ears.

"How?" I asked again, my voice rising.

"You left." She screamed at me.

"I left?" I returned and gave a chuckle."I left? You shut yourself away from me, made it obvious that you never cared for me. You left me to bear the consequences of your actions alone!" I screamed at her. I could feel the tears flooding down my face. Eliz is crying also.

"I left..." I continued, but now I sound weak and deflated. "You are the reason I was sent away again. I searched for you, waited for you. You allowed your grandma to humiliate me, she told our neighbors and those boys called me names till I left. I even left my address and phone number for you, but you never bothered to use them and you say I left?" the emotion is too much for me that I thought I will collapse. We both stare at each other as tears silently flow down both our cheeks.

"Now I know how you really felt." She said as she turn from me and start pulling on her clothes. When she is set, she took her cane and without giving me another look, limped out of my room. I rush to the window and stand watching her as she limped out of the compound. Then and only then did I allow my legs to give way and I collapse on the floor, wailing like a baby.

*************** ****************

The next morning, my grandma's sister has finally arrived and she sits with my grandma after our late breakfast and they talk about nothing in particular. I sit with them and marveled at the deep connection between them and once again, I wish I had a sister.

Around noon, I went into town to get some toiletries and refill my allergy prescription. On my way back home, I ran into an old school mate; Cynthia and she insist I must come home with her. I followed her rather reluctantly. We weren't friends at school at all; in fact we hardly talked to each other. I just know she is there and we both acknowledged each other's presence and nothing more. All the way to her house, I was thinking of a polite way to make my exit before things gets too embarrassing, but I needn't have worried because she turns out to be a good company. She made it look like we've been best friends for ever and she wouldn't let me leave until I've told her everything I've been up to for the past 9years. She even introduced me to her husband and her two kids.

Finally, we run out of topics to discuss or rather I did because judging from the way she is looking at me, I know she have something in mind but didn't know how to bring it up. There is an awkward silence in the room and I want to use that opportunity to disappear. Deep down, I feel like I know exactly what she want to say and I know I don't want to hear it if it can be avoided. I place both hands at the armrest of the chair and use that momentum to lift up, but before my butt could clear the seat, she spoke.

"I knew what happened." She said softly. I froze in mid air and gently settle my ass back on the seat.

"Excuse me?" I ask.

"Lillian told me."

"Told you what?" I ask, desperately wishing she is not alluding to what I am thinking.

"About you and Elizabeth."

"It wasn't her place.'' I said shaking my head. Somehow, I feel deflated.

"No. No." she replied raising her hand as if to stop me. "I am not against it, I am all for it. I believe in love and giving it a chance to grow no matter where you find it." She concluded. Silently, I nod my head. I don't know what to say, whether to thank her or not.

"She did love you, you know?" she continued after a small while.

"What makes you say that?" I asked trying to cover the shock of her words.

"I've watched her over the years. You know her dad came back few months after you left for America, but she wouldn't go anywhere with him."

Lillian hadn't told me that. I know that Eliz hated being stuck here in Nigeria that she couldn't wait to go back to London. Sometimes, I've wondered why she stayed back.

"She never really left here. Sure, she travels most of the time but she doesn't stay away for more than a few months. I have seen her entering that small bush on a few occasions and I thought that maybe she needed somewhere private to think; somewhere to be alone."

"Yes..." is all I could reply. To say I am short of words is an understatement. For a while, we are both lost in our own different thoughts.

"You know what I am thinking? She suddenly asks. I jerked up and silently shake my head, no.

"I am thinking that maybe she was scared that if she leaves for a longer period, then, you'll come home. I think maybe she wanted to be here when you return. She was afraid that if she leaves, then you'll come back and she won't be here for you." She stated.

As I listen to her talk, I felt sick to my stomach. I hadn't wanted to hurt Elizabeth, not ever. I know she hurt me and pushed me away, but I had hurt her more; I broke my promise to her. I left and didn't come back, even when she needed me. I know she must have needed me when she had the accident, but I wasn't there for her. It wasn't all my fault. I know I would have been there in a heartbeat if she had bothered to call me, but she hadn't. I gave her my address and phone number but she hadn't used them. Then it occurred to me that she didn't have my contact in the U. S., but as quickly as that thought occurred to me, it was chased by a counter thought. She could easily have gotten my number from Lillian if she had bothered.