Coming Out by Diving In

"I love you honey," Mildred said with tears in her eyes. Her daughter wrapped her arms around her and held her tightly in her arms.

"I love you too mom," she said and wiped tears out of her own eyes. She walked her mother to the door of her room and then looked at her again. Ruby Costello gave her mother a hug and then closed the door behind her. Finally.

Ruby had not had what anyone would ever consider to be a difficult life. Her parents were still together and loved each other very much. The only thing that they loved more was her. Furthermore, she had grown up in a little rural town of no more than 2000 people. She had lots of friends and had been junior homecoming queen and runner up for prom queen her senior year. She was absolutely gorgeous, with long, flowing jet black hair and very pale skin. Her face was elegant with an aquiline nose, big grey eyes, and thick, light pink lips. Her eye lashes were very long and made her eyes look even bigger. Her body was impressive as well. She was very small at 5'2 and 95lbs. She had small, 32-A breasts and long thin legs. Her stomach was completely flat and her hip bones showed prominently but not too profoundly. Her build made her look slightly more girlish, less womanly than she felt.

Despite all of these advantages in life, Ruby couldn't help but feel absolutely and positively free. She was completely and utterly free! At 18 years old and a college freshman, Ruby was no longer trapped by forces that no one in her life knew about. Finally, at long last (having known for at least four years) Ruby was in a position where she could be an open lesbian and there was nothing anyone could do or say about it. She hoped that maybe she could find the courage by being at school and being open to someday go home and tell her friends and family. But that wasn't her concern now. She was free and wanted to enjoy it.

She looked around her cramped quarters and realized that they were quite small and none too comfortable, but she wanted them anyway. Her room had two beds in it, both looked cramped and together took up more than half the room. Then there were two desks and two dressers. In the end there was less than a square yard of walking space. There was no carpet and the walls were poorly painted concrete block. It looked like prison but felt like parole. She had set up her side the room, putting a pink comforter on her bed, big green pillows and a few posters for bands she liked. She even had her new computer all set up; all she needed was a roommate. It was Sunday night and classes started the next day, so there was no time to waste. The girl must be there soon.

For a while she just sat and waited. But eventually she felt like that was weird and clicked on her TV. She checked her schedule again and again and again because she was nervous about making it to class on time. She read a little bit from one of her books because it was on the syllabus for the next day and she noticed that it was getting dark outside. She sort of wanted to go out and see campus, or even just the other people on her floor. But she was so nervous! Things would get easier when her roommate got here. She felt very strange, she was never shy. It must have been because she was finally being honest with herself about her sexuality.

Finally, just when she was about to give up on it, a flustered girl walked into the room. Ruby could barely breath the girl was so pretty. She had long, straight blonde hair and beautifully tanned skin. Her hair was messy from trying to carry several bags in at the same time. Had an angelic face with big blue eyes, soft skin, thick red lips and a small pixie nose. Her body was like a model's. She was tall at 5'9 and was very thin at 115lbs. She had large (for her frame) 34-B breasts and long, shapely legs. She was bending over setting down her bags and her body just looked so lithe and sexy as it contorted. Ruby was instantly in love. The girl finally dropped all of her bags and looked up at Ruby, smiling.

"Hey!" the girl said, "you must my roommate. I am Holly!" She had a Valley-Girl accent and it was clear from just hearing her and seeing her clothes, bags, and jewelry that she was a wealthy girl.

"I am Ruby!" Ruby replied, finding it strange that she was sort of taking on the girl's accent already. She just found herself drawn to the girl.

"Can you help me with my stuff?" the girl asked politely and Ruby got up and together they set up Holly's side of the room with a white comforter and black pillows and the rest of her room had tasteful paintings and it looked very homey when she was done. As they worked, they talked. Ruby told Holly about her hometown, her friends, and her family. She learned that Holly was from California and that she lived with her father and his second, much younger wife. She learned that she was very popular, very wealthy, and more than a bit self-absorbed. But she was enamored by her anyway. She had such a commanding personality and she was undeniably gorgeous.

She had a way about her. She didn't ask Ruby to do things for her. Well, she did, but she did so in such a way that made it clear that it was not a request, but she wasn't rude. She would act as though she weren't listening when she was told a story, but would go back and reference some of those stories later and for some reason it would make you feel like you were being rewarded. She gave winning smiles when she was pleased and maddening indifference when she wasn't. Furthermore, she was well aware of her own sexiness and wasn't afraid to use it. And Ruby was able to gather all of this, just in the two hours they spent setting up the room.

"So do you want to go out and introduce ourselves to the other girls on our floor?" Holly asked and Ruby readily agreed. They walked around the dorm together, introducing themselves and getting to make contacts. Ruby got the feeling that she was sort of Holly's sidekick and that she was quickly falling into the girl's shadow. Soon they had introduced themselves to all the girls on their floor and even invited some of them back to their room.

They had fun that night. They got to know about five very pretty girls on their floor. Ruby wanted to somehow feel them out about her lesbianism but suddenly felt shy again. She began to wonder if she would be afraid to do it, even here at school. Maybe things would always be like they were back home. She desperately hoped that wouldn't be the case. But, for now, she focused on the fact that she had the nucleus of a group of friends. It was clear that Holly would be the leader. She just had a pull to her, she was gravitational. Not that Ruby disappeared completely. In fact, one mousy but cute girl name Mary seemed to be very fun and they spent several hours that night just sitting on Ruby's bed, talking and getting to know one another. Ruby was still very excited about school.

Eventually the other girls left and Ruby and Holly were left once again alone in their room. Both were nervous about their next day and couldn't sleep. They lay awake looking at the ceiling and eventually, they started to talk to one another.

"Are you nervous," Ruby asked eventually, turning over on her side so that she was looking at her roommate.

"I guess," Holly said nonchalantly, she wouldn't let her cool break.

"I am," Ruby said. She was always a terrible liar. She had never deceived anyone in her life. She had long since given up on trying.

"Yeah," Holly said, uncomfortable with the conversation so she pretended she was bored, "So what do you think about the other girls?"

"They all seemed really nice. I mean we should all go out together next weekend, so we can get to know them better," Ruby said. She was being serious. She rarely met someone she didn't like.

"I think that Kelly girl was a total bitch am I right!" Holly suddenly said and Ruby was taken aback. She was so confused by Holly's unnecessary cruelty that she just sort of agreed with her. She didn't really want to, but then she did. Holly then went on to tear down all of the other girls they had seen that night, pointing out their faults, exaggerating them, and in some instances creating them entirely. Ruby felt terrible but she agreed, she participated, and she even said things on her own. Things she didn't mean but felt like she had to say. She almost enjoyed it as well. Holly brought out the worst in her, but she liked it.

"And that Mary girl," Holly said rolling her eyes and Ruby looked over at her, she felt nervous. She had really connected with Mary. She wanted to be her friend.

"What about Mary?" Ruby said, trying not to sound too emotionally invested in the answer. For the first time she wondered what Holly would say about her when she wasn't around.

"Let's just say, she was all the fuck over you," Holly said, tossing her hair over her shoulders, which looked beautiful when exposed by her tank top.

"What do you mean," Ruby said, feeling her face get red.

"I am saying she is a total dyke. A lesbian," Holly said, raising her eyebrows and staring at Ruby.

"Gross," Ruby said and she felt like she had betrayed her soul. But part of her wondered if the cute Mary really had been looking at her. She didn't know what to think about her first day, but felt like there was still so much potential to just have fun.

* * * * *

School started the next day they both went to their classes and Ruby loved it. It made her forget all about her discomfort with Holly the night before. They even met up together with some of the girls from class and had lunch. Ruby loved her classes and she loved all of the people. She felt like so many people could be her friends. During the days that followed Ruby, Holly, and the other girls started to fall into a routine together. They would go to class and meet up for lunch. They would talk and have fun. More class, and then back to the dorm to watch TV, do homework and hang out.

That weekend, they all went out together. Holly had an older friend who got them all into a frat party together and they drank, danced, and had fun. Ruby felt like she finally doing what she had come to school to do. She had drank a bit in high school, but she really enjoyed going out with her friends and just getting wasted. It just felt like such a college thing. After a couple of weeks their little party group had come to its full size, with some girls leaving and more girls added until there were five of them (Ruby, Holly, Mary, Jessica, and Andrea) who all went out together, met and had lunch, and generally hung out all the time. They were a fun little clique and Ruby liked them all. And they all deferred to Holly, their leader.

In the evenings, Holly an Ruby continued to talk about the other girls behind their backs and Ruby found herself getting meaner and meaner. She didn't really like it and very, very rarely meant what she said. But still there she was, saying horrible things and giggling at what Holly said. The more that she did this, the more that she began to feel uncomfortable about Holly. She still craved her roommates' approval more than anything in the world, but she didn't even know if she liked the girl. She knew that she loved her and wanted her, but that just made things worse.

A few weeks into the school year and she had not even told a soul that she was a lesbian. That had been half the reason she had been excited to go to school and she was still too timid. Perhaps even more timid. She had gone from being a confident, popular high school girl who was a closeted lesbian to being a shy, hanger-on college girl who was still a closet lesbian. Soon her guilt began to overcome her. One night, while Holly and Ruby were laying in their bed, it came to a head.

"Did you see what Mary did last night?" she asked, referring to a party they had gone to at a house the night before.

"No what?" Ruby said, rolling over. She always got more nervous when Mary was brought up. May with her light brown, short hair and her cute, mousy good-looks and tiny, sexy body. Ruby found her to be so pure and so beautiful, but in some ways she lacked Holly's bitchy allure. But regardless, she was her closest friend and didn't like what Holly thought of her.

"She got totally hammered," which was what they all did, "and on a dare she kissed a girl. I told you she is a total dyke slut. But don't tell her I said anything!"

"I won't," Ruby said almost involuntarily. She thought for a minute about all the straight girls she had seen kiss other girls just to entice boys and wondered why Mary was so different for Holly.

"I mean it is just so gross," Holly explained, "I mean she is okay looking. She could get some guy if she wanted to."

"What is wrong with being a lesbian," Ruby asked before wishing that it was not in her mind to say it. Holly snorted.

"Are you serious?"

"I just mean...like if she doesn't come on to you, why does it matter. I mean I don't think I would like it," Ruby lied, "But what if she isn't bothering anyone."

"She doesn't have to come on to me to disgust me," Holly explained, rolling over on her back and looking at the ceiling, "I am starting to think you're a dyke too!"

"Hahaha. No way," Ruby said, a little too uncomfortably for believability. But Holly seemed not to notice.

"I mean I am just being a bitch, but like if anyone I knew ever was a lesbian, I totally just would stop hanging out with them," Holly explained, "Anyway. Goodnight." She then rolled over and went to sleep. Suddenly, Ruby felt crushed. All her worst fears were confirmed. If she wanted to continue to have friends, she would have to pretend she was straight. It was just like high school all over again. A sudden, deep depression fell over her and she rolled over and put her head in her pillow so Holly wouldn't hear her crying herself to sleep.

* * * * *

The next night the party girls were all in Holly and Ruby's dorm room again getting ready to go out for a night out at parties. It was a Saturday night, which meant that they were all going to go all-out. After all, they would have all Sunday to recuperate and no parties that night because there was class the next morning. They were all dressed up in their nicest party clothes and they were all trying to look as sexy as possible. As usual, Holly was clearly the hottest. Only one girl was dressed up and ready to go, Ruby felt too depressed to go out.

"Come on Ruby, just get dressed, let's go!" Holly said.

"No seriously," she said, trying to sound convincing, "I just don't feel good and I have work due on Monday." Holly rolled her eyes.

"I know when you are lying," she said and put her hands on her hips.

"I am not lying!"

"Whatever, I don't have time for this. Come, let's go," she said to the other girls and they started to leave. Only Mary stayed behind for a moment.

"Seriously Ruby, what's wrong," she asked softly and with compassion. For an instant, Ruby desperately wanted to tell her that she was a lesbian. She wanted to tell her that she was in love with all of her friends. But she just couldn't.

"I am fine. Go have fun!" she said, trying to sound excited. May gave her a disbelieving look, but then slowly walked out the door.

"She is such a drama-queen bitch," Holly said, but she was not completely muffled by the door and Ruby felt horrible. Again she threw herself on the bed and started to cry. Why was this happening?

Eventually she was able to get up and she felt rudderless. She had gone out every weekend night since she had gotten to school over a month ago and was so rarely alone she didn't know what to do. For a while she thought about her friends, but it started to make her feel bad and she was compelled to stop. She changed into pajamas (meaning a white tank-top with no bra and a tiny pair of blue boxer shorts). She watched a little television and just tried to feel normal, tried to keep the depressing thoughts out of her mind. It was harder than she thought it would be. Eventually she got back to thinking about lesbianism. She started to think about girls and started to get hot. She wanted to be with one so bad. She didn't want to stay a virgin forever. She didn't want to pretend she was straight anymore.

She started to feel very, very horny. More so than she had ever felt before. She had felt for sure she would at least be on the road to having a girlfriend by now. The deferred hope for sexual contact must have been increasing her sexual desires. After a while, she couldn't wait any longer. She got on her computer and Googled lesbian porn. She didn't know what she was looking for, but she got hotter and hotter as she looked at images on the computer. She didn't try to masturbate as she had never done so before. But eventually, she started to feel embarrassed by her behavior. She lay down on her bed to go to sleep, trying to sleep off her horniness and confusion

*****

A few hours later, there as a knock at the door that awoke her. She could hear giggling and could tell that it was Andrea. She also heard a loud moaning sound and it was a bit wounded in nature. She heard Andrea swear and then start to giggle again. Then there was another knock and it was much louder. Ruby got up out of bed and opened the door. The first thing she saw was Andrea. Her hair was a complete mess and her eyes were red and she was laughing hysterically. Then she looked over at Holly. Her eyes were completely closed, she could barely stand on her own and she was making strange noises.

"What the hell happened?" Ruby asked, looking at her destroyed friends.

"Oh shit. We are so drunk!" Andrea said, stumbling into the room. The two girls collapsed in a pile in the middle of the floor. Andrea started laughing, but Holly looked like she was passed out.

"What the Hell?" Ruby said. She was nervous. They could get in trouble for being this out of control. She could get in trouble for not turning them in.

"They were giving away jello shooters and shots and stuff. We got soo drunk!" Andrea said again, struggling to get to her feet.

"Is she sick?"

"Nah," Andrea said, waving her hand dismissively, "I just didn't want her to get date raped or something, so I brought her home. How long have we been back?" Ruby rolled her eyes. This was more than a little ridiculous.

"Go back to your room, I will take care of this," she said to Andrea who acted like she was going to say something, but just nodded her head and then stumbled out the door. She and Jessica lived in the room across the hall, so she would make it back alright. She closed the door behind her as she went.

"Are you okay?" Ruby asked her roommate, but she was passed out cold on the floor, she was even snoring a little bit. Ruby sighed. She would have to take care of this. Wherever they had been had been hot and it looked like they had also had a bubble machine, because Holly and her clothes were damp and sticky with sweat and soap. Ruby decided that the first thing would be to get Holly out of her disgusting clothes and then get her into bed. She quickly unbuttoned her roommates blouse and threw it onto the floor. Holly was wearing a sexy black bra with bright pink lace. Next she unzipped Holly's little white skirt and slid it off her hips. She was wearing a thong that perfectly matched her bra. Ruby tapped her friend on the face, trying to get her to wake up, but it was to no avail. For a moment Ruby got up and just looked at Holly laying on the floor. Her body looked so amazing, she had her legs crossed and she was curled up a bit and it was easy to see all of her perfect curves and angles and despite her messy state, Ruby found that her mouth was watering. But she bent over and roused her enough so that she could help her friend into bed. Holly didn't really talk, her eyes remained slits and she grumbled nonsense. Ruby had never seen anyone so drunk in her life.