Coming Out with the Truth Ch. 05

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"Thank you." He said softly, seriously.

I shrugged. It wasn't a big deal. But I still smiled.

Keith sighed and looked at it again, touching the keys and the sides. "It's really lovely." He said. It was. It was one of those ancient elegant looking ones. I didn't dare tell him my grandma's was nicer.

"Think on it." I told him firmly. "Thanks, Rose. Mind putting it away again while Keith makes up his mind?"

"Of course, love!" Rose called back.

I grinned at Keith and started leaving the shop.

"Hey, I like this." Keith said suddenly from behind me. I turned around and found him examining a green banker's lamp. "This would go with my desk!"

I looked at it. "They sell those down the street." I told him.

"Yeah, but this one's not some mass produced junky plastic thing. This is an old one. This is great!"

I had to hide a smile. Keith was like a kid in a candy shop. "Come on, you." I told him.

"But..." he looked at the lamp, looking really torn.

I sighed. To me, a lamp was a lamp. "Rose, hold the lamp too, would you?"

"Put it on the counter, love!" She called back.

Keith looked at me with a half smile as I shifted the lamp and shook his head, but this time he followed me out into the street.

We stood about a meter apart, just kind of eyeing each other off. Keith stuck his hands in his pockets, looked at me with my hands in mine, and quickly removed them again.

"See you after training tonight?" I asked him softly. And hoped I didn't sound stupid.

This time Keith really smiled. "Yeah. Anytime."

August 2009:

Keith:

John knew how to take care of a man. The thought ran through my head like a mantra as I sat in the bath, my back against his calves while his fingers massaged my scalp.

He was washing my hair and I loved every minute of it.

I loved Sundays full stop. They'd always been good days, but now, getting to spend the whole Sunday every Sunday with John was just idyllic. My favourite part of the week. He'd kept up his ritual of breaking in (although he did have a key now, and 'breaking in' just consisted of unlocking the back door) and making breakfast, and then we tended to just chat or watch movies or hang out. And I cooked dinner and then just to top it off, as if things weren't idyllic enough, there was lots of sex, too.

"So you're not going for as long, this time?" John asked. I had been back to the city twice since Em's birthday, and the second trip had ended up turning into two weeks since I'd had to make a couple of trips back to see Em's friend. The one in publishing. The one who had got me an agent. I still grinned just thinking about it.

"No. Just a few days." I said sleepily. "No publishers this time. Just family."

"And you're going to call me again to let me know when you'll be home? Promise?"

"Mm hm. Promise." I agreed. He could have asked for pretty much anything in that moment.

"Good." He said. I smiled and looked at him over my shoulder.

"You're wearing too many clothes." I told him. "Why don't you join me?"

John grinned and shucked his boxers and his shirt.

Didn't have to ask him twice.

John:

It was Friday afternoon and I was out of the office early.

Keith was coming home, and my plan was to go to his place and have dinner ready for when he walked in the door. Even though I'd expected to miss him, I'd only expected to have to miss him for a few days. Not ten.

I went to the supermarket to pick up a few things. So maybe I couldn't cook like Keith could, but I could hold my own.

I was looking at the meat and wondering whether to go all out and try something like a roast, or just buy lamb chops or chicken kievs and make salad or something when my phone rang.

"Hi Sarah." I answered.

"You're not at work?"

"No. Just doing the grocery shopping."

"Ok. Well I was just ringing to see if you thought it would be alright for me to invite Keith and his friend to dinner."

"What?" I asked, slightly puzzled.

"He's just got home from the city and-"

"Wait, he's back?" But he'd been going to call me first... damn. My plans for dinner were all ruined. Although I guessed I could still go over and cook for him; it was just the surprise element that was gone.

"Yes, he just got in with his friend and I wondered if you thought it would be alright if I invited them around. Do you think that would be awkward?"

"What friend?" I asked, her words suddenly registering and I was no longer thinking about dinner at all.

"I don't know who he is, but he's a he. Obviously. I think he's gay. You know. Just from looking out the window. Do you think they might be- you know? John, that would be so great for him after what happened before!"

I blinked at the trays of meat in front of me and found I'd lost my voice.

"So do you think that would be ok?"

"Well... yeah." I swallowed hard. Shit. I couldn't exactly say 'no'.


"Great. I'll ring him now. You'll come too? Tomorrow night?"

"Sure." I answered heavily. If Keith had a visitor then I doubted I'd be heading to his place. Which left me with my evenings very, very free again all of a sudden.

I didn't like it one bit.

Sarah rang me back moments later. "Ok, so Keith's going to have a barbecue tomorrow, so no dinner."

"Ok." I answered. I was still standing frozen in the meat section.

"And his friend's name is Zack. I asked him if they were together but he didn't answer, so I'm going to have to watch them carefully tomorrow! And Keith invited you, too, so one o'clock at Keith's, ok?"

"Ok." I responded slowly. He hadn't answered? That was... odd...

Sarah laughed. "Don't be too enthusiastic. Pick up some beer or something?"

"Yeah, sure." I agreed reluctantly. "I'll see you there."

I arrived at one on Saturday, like Sarah had said, but it seemed like everyone else had arrived earlier.

It was Gordon that answered the door, not Keith. I carried the beer through to the back veranda and set to putting the cans in the esky filled with ice and water. Chris was already lighting up the barbecue and the soccer kids were already ruining Keith's garden with a couple of balls.

I said hello to a couple of people and then headed inside.

Keith was in the kitchen with a man who looked younger than us. I'd never seen him before, so I felt pretty safe in guessing he was the friend from the city. They were standing by the table with vegetables, salad, rolls and butter in front of them, but they weren't buttering bread or making salad when I walked in.

"Hi, John." Keith said brightly, but he hastily removed his hand from his 'friend's' back.

"Hi." I said. Strangely I didn't feel angry. A leaden weight had settled in my stomach, sure, but no anger. I wasn't sure I could blame Keith if he decided that I wasn't good for him.

"John, this is Zack. We used to work together." His tone was too chirpy. Far too chirpy, compared to the low tone he'd been using before I'd come in.

"Hi." Zack said softly. He seemed shyer than I'd expected he would be, just from knowing Keith. He had curly brown hair cropped short and was of a smallish build.

"Nice to meet you." I said politely. Keith was giving me a look. Shit. What was that look? 'Please forgive me'?

"John!" Sarah suddenly appeared and grabbed my arm. She shot a wink at Keith and Zack. "John, come help me. You two keep out of mischief." She told Keith and Zack, both of whom looked slightly awkward, and dragged me out of the room.

"Give them space!" She hissed at me as she dragged me back outside. "God, John! You idiot!"

"What?" I demanded. All I'd done was say hi.

"They obviously really like each other and I'm just trying to give them some space. They don't need people intruding-"

"Sarah." I interrupted. "Did he or didn't he stay the night last night? And didn't Keith ask people around for this? Because I'm pretty sure he didn't have to."

"Oh." Sarah sounded crestfallen. "I just... I really want something good for Keith, you know? He's so lovely and he must be lonely here on his own. Wouldn't it be nice...?"

"Sarah." I said firmly. "Stop trying to set people up. If they're going to be together, then it will happen in its own sweet time."

Sarah frowned at me but I ignored her and went towards the barbecue down the other end of the porch. I chatted to Gordon and Chris, chanced a look through the kitchen window.

My blood ran cold.

Keith and Zach were cuddling. Fucking cuddling.

Well, fuck.

I marched back inside. This was not going to work.

As I passed through the kitchen Zack looked up at me with a sort of surprised expression and hastily left the room. Was it me, or did he look very red?

"John, I'm really sorry." Keith said in a hushed tone. He looked pink and really worried. Worried I'd yell at him? Worried I'd make a scene? Worried I'd tell Zack? What the hell did he have to be worried about?

"It's fine." I said woodenly. Now I was starting to feel angry. A shaky sort of hurt fuelled rage.

"Hello, Keith!" A voice interrupted and a couple of women from the cooking group came in bearing containers of lamingtons and cupcakes and slices. Keith had good connections, obviously.

"Hi!" Keith said, looking slightly panicked. "One sec- wait, John-"

"I'll speak to you later." I said. This was not the time or the place. I couldn't keep the harsh note out of my voice.

I left the room and wandered towards the front door.

It felt too early to leave, but I was not going to have a good time and I couldn't see any point in staying.

I let myself out the front door and headed down the steps.

Zack was on the phone on the veranda but I ignored him and kept walking. He was saying something about Keith and I did not want to hear a single word he said.

-----------------------

Two days passed. I went to work, heard from Sarah all about how she'd seen Keith and Zack in town and at Jim's together and tried to act like this was just another conversation and then generally tried to distract myself from the thought of them.

It wasn't working.

Keith was home with another man. A man who wasn't me. And I had no idea what the hell to do about it.

It was late at night on the second day when my doorbell rang.

I went to answer the door and found Keith on my step. I couldn't believe he'd had the guts to show himself.

"John," He said. He looked really worried.

I looked back at him flatly.

"I'm really sorry I didn't call..." he went on.

Shit. We were not doing this on my front step. I beckoned him inside and shut the door.

"I'm sorry I didn't call," Keith went on. "But this whole thing with Zack was a bit of a shock, it was so sudden and I just didn't have the opportunity to call..."

"Right." I said vaguely, trying to think of something to say. All at once I wanted to yell at him and punch the wall and to pull him into my arms and just hold him and demand to know what the fuck he thought he was doing... and instead I found myself stuck in the middle, frozen.

"I'm sorry, I meant to warn you on Friday morning, but I couldn't get a moment and then by the time we were driving I'd run out of batteries and it just happened so fast..." Keith was looking at me warily, as if he didn't quite know how I was going to react.

"So that makes it ok?" I spat the words out.

"What?" Keith sounded mystified.

"After what Graeme did to you. Didn't think you'd be one to do the same." His mouth opened and shut again. Then he carefully cleared his throat. "It's the last thing I expected from you." I finished coldly. I couldn't believe this had happened. I'd never expected to feel angry at Keith before, and I was just about angrier than I'd ever been that I could ever remember.

"John." He said slowly, warningly. His eyebrows had risen. "Zack is just a friend."

"Who you were hugging in public. Who's staying over at your house." I ground out.

Keith's face darkened. "Are you not listening to me? He's a friend. His boyfriend just left him for some barely legal model and he's not coping so I brought him here because I kind of understand what he's going through. That's why I stayed so long in the city and why I didn't get a chance to call, because he's such a mess. And you're going to accuse me of cheating on you?"

I drew a breath slowly, my teeth clenched tight. A long moment passed.

"And you know what the solution is, don't you?" Keith went on. He didn't sound angry any more. He sounded unsteady. I didn't know how to fight unsteady. "Ask me out, John. Hug me in public. Stay the night. Give me some sort of sign..."

He stopped and looked at my feet.

My heart was sinking. Fast. Shit. Shit shit shit. Wrong. Totally wrong, John. Idiot. I needed to apologise, but I was still feeling far too jealous, far too angry and rattled and far too stupid to say anything.

"I'm driving Zack home on Monday." Keith said softly. His voice wavered just a bit. "That should give you some time to figure out what the hell it is that you want."

He turned, opened the door and vanished outside in a flash.

I didn't go after him.

--------------

I saw them again during the week.

They were in Jim's when I walked past. Keith had an arm around Zack, but this time I could see that Zack was in tears.

I hated the fact that I couldn't go in there and sit with Keith like I normally did. Hated the fact that Keith was angry at me.

And I hated the fact that if I did go in there Keith would probably smile and be happy to see me, would introduce me to Zack and be happy to do it.

I hated the fact that I really had no reason to be this jealous or angry when Keith was the one that was in the right.

But most of all I hated the fact that I just couldn't make myself go in there.

Keith:

I saw John walked past Jim's, and I wanted to bang on the glass and make him come in. Unfortunately Zack had just broken down again and it wasn't the time.

"God," Zack said, wiping his eyes. "I feel like such an idiot. How did I not see this?"

I squeezed his hand. "We're blind about the people we love." He looked away. I didn't think he believed me. I sighed. "You know... I felt the same, after Graeme and I..."

"Why?" Zack asked sharply. "What happened with that, anyway? One week you're there and the next the phone number's been changed and no one sees you again for months and Sal saw Graeme in the street and he pretended not to know her..."

"Grae left me."

"What? You never said!" Zack accused. Just like the rest of my friends would.

"No. Because... I felt like an idiot, just like you said. Because I couldn't believe he'd do it. But he did."

"We all... we all thought it must have been- I don't know, mutual, I guess."

"I had no idea, Zack. He cheated on me, left me and now he's married."

Zack's mouth fell open and I had to laugh at his expression. Graeme hadn't moved in the same circles of friends that I had. All the same, I'd thought most of them would know by now. Apparently not.

"How can you laugh?" He demanded. "Are you not just devastated?"

"I was." I said slowly, "but not so much anymore. Things get better, Zack. Pricks like that don't deserve people like us anyway."

"Is that because of that guy who walked past?" Zack asked. Apparently he'd ignored the last part of my sentence.

I nearly choked on my coffee. "What? Who?"

"That guy you followed with your eyes." Zack gave me a solemn look. "Blonde-ish. Tall. Just your type, Keith." I couldn't lie to him. Not good.

"He's... We've been seeing each other. Secretly."

"What?" Zack sounded confused.

"He's not out yet."

"What the hell?" Zack said far too loudly, staring at me with wide eyes and leaning forward. "Keith, honey..."

"Zack. You don't have to tell me it wasn't a good idea." I spoke quietly, trying to give him the hint to keep it down a little. People had looked around when he'd first raised his voice and John would probably die if the town found out like this. And after that he'd probably never speak to me again.

"Wasn't?" Oh, he was too quick.

"We fought. Not really. Something along those lines. It was nothing. And it's not over, we just... we really just need to talk."

"Honey, you can't do this to yourself." His voice had dropped but his eyes had lit up like he'd just won the lottery, like he'd just heard the juiciest news ever.

"I'm not doing anything to myself. Most of the time, it doesn't even feel like we're hiding. It just feels normal."

"Are you hearing what you're saying?" Zack said dryly.

Shouldn't have said anything. Had to explain. How? "I know how it sounds -- but every time I start to have doubts... he does something or says something... and I just... I just have to give him a chance, you know?"

"You are so not thinking with your head." Zack's tone was amused and concerned all at once.

I didn't answer. I seemed to just be making things worse when I tried to explain. I couldn't very well tell Zack that I was in love with John though. Not when I hadn't told John.

He sighed and smiled at me over the rim of his cup. "Does he at the very least know how lucky he is?"

I shrugged. "Well. He was jealous that I brought someone back from the city with me, so... that's good. I mean, if he's jealous that means he cares, right?"

Zack shot me a look that was far more his old self than I'd seen him for days. There was colour in his cheeks and a wicked gleam in his eye. It made me glad to have told him.

Not for long.

"Honey," he said, shaking his head at me with a massive knowing smirk. "You got it bad."

Keith:

I slowly made my way to answer the door. I had only half expected to have anyone arrive.

My head throbbed so hard I felt like it was going to pop and my throat was on fire. I hadn't felt this bad in forever. The slight headache of two days ago had suddenly just exploded this morning and a whole host of other symptoms had sprung into being. I'd let Zack borrow my car to get home, in the end, since I was not going anywhere. Apart from back to bed.

"Keith." John said softly. He was dressed really nicely. I couldn't remember ever seeing him dressed up like this before.

"Hi." I answered, letting him in. I was so relieved he was here. Even if things didn't happen the way I wanted them to... he was here. And we could talk. I'd been so afraid he just wouldn't come at all.

"You're sick." John said, immediately putting his hand on my forehead. He sounded surprised. I guess I looked sicker than I'd thought.

"Yeah." I agreed. My voice was rough and I was feeling really really hot all of a sudden.

I went to hug John, but he stepped away, frowning at me.

I blinked. I was sick, sure, but he didn't have to back away like that.

The first thing that came to mind was that maybe he wasn't here to apologise at all. I felt cold all over, and it wasn't from the flu. I looked away.

"You should be in bed." He said sternly.

Relief. I forced myself to breathe again.

"If you come with me." I grumbled. My back and neck hurt and I was afraid this was going to turn into the mother of all flu's before I got any better.

He looked slightly amused, but not enough to smile. "Bed." He repeated.

"Bed's boring." I grouched. My eyes stung. I just wanted him to hug me.

He sighed. "What have you been doing today?" I was in some blue pyjamas and an old dressing gown and socks. I certainly hadn't been out anywhere.

"Watching tv. Sleeping." I shrugged.

"Alright." John said. "Couch, then." I nodded and he steered me into the lounge room. It was fairly easy to tell where I'd been. There were rugs and another jumper on my couch and empty glasses and bowls on the table from where I'd been too tired to clean up, a couple of books I hadn't been able to concentrate on dumped on the floor. "What a mess." He said, giving me a surprised look. "That's not like you."