Competitive Sex Power RankingsbySoul Janitor©
Sex enthusiasts nationwide are bracing this week for eroticism's biggest annual charity event outside of April's Million Masturbator March and October's Cunnilingus Across America. This year's "Olympics of Sex", the Silver Sperm Invitational, promises to draw more than ten thousand people to the OfficeMax Arena in downtown Detroit, each of whom will pay up to two hundred dollars for a ticket to watch the most beautiful and coitally talented couples in the world shnazz in direct competition. Last year's Invitational raised over two million dollars for the Clumpman Fund, an organization dedicated to ensuring that underprivileged citizens in third world countries can gain proper access to nude photos of Helen Hunt.
Each year's competition also launches its winner to sexual prominence. In 2001, Germany's brilliant Ingrid and Ungrid Himmelgraut gadoogled their way to nearly perfect scores and a four-year deal to create their own Amsterdam live sex revue, as well as star in a series of commercials for Burger King's new taco fries. Modern Wangie magazine here offers the following power ranking preview of this year's lucky and ambitious competitors, so you can get the early jump on the inside scoop, buzz-wise:
10. RUSSIA— Ilsa Androvna and Ilyich Varsa
ODDS OF WINNING: 100 to 1
PREVIOUS BEST SHOWING: 41st
Rumor has it that Ilsa and Ilyich, this year's truest underdogs, have been looking to replace iron-fisted coach Boris "The Sickle" Popov, whose vocal criticism of Ilyich's premature ejaculation in last year's qualifying round made unpleasant waves. But three coaches in seven years haven't been able to correct Ilyich's habit of popping too early, and not even his infamously brutal training technique—for up to eight hours each day, he rapidly swaps his eighth wonder between Ilsa's mouth and a bucket of ice-cold Baltic seawater—could stop him from erupting inside Ilsa only eighty-eight seconds into their routine last May. The sight of his sad Soviet sperm leaking down his enraged partner's thigh was one of the year's most disappointing erotic sights, as was Popov's attempt to shoot them both with a crossbow for once again destroying his dream before a crowd of 9,373 at Madison Square Garden.
9. INDIA — Brahda and Narahda Pettalan
ODDS OF WINNING: 90 to 1
PREVIOUS BEST SHOWING: 28th
Critics claim that the Pettalans' insistence on attempting woman-on-top anal intercourse keeps them from making it to the final round year after year. This intricate maneuver has only been completed successfully twice in competitive sex since 1996, and the second success was clouded by accusations that the Norwegian couple involved had used an outside lubricant—the death knell of international rules violations. Brahda and Narahda's usual routine is just that—routine, a nine-minute progression from kissing to fingering to oral sex to slow and rythmic yoidling, all set to Bryan Adams' reliable "Everything I Do (I Do For You)", and it seems the couple can think of no other way to wow the judges at the end than to get Narahda's thing up Brahda's admittedly spectacular pluto. But the triple-axle of sex continues to elude them, resulting in last October's semi-final collapse at The Mercedes-Benz Horizontal Challenge when it seemed Narahda had no clue just where his penis was headed.
8. CANADA — Jessie McDonough and Timmy Gilford
ODDS OF WINNING: 72 to 1
PREVIOUS BEST SHOWING: 3rd
Canada's beloved young couple, who seem to represent all that is wholesome and innocent about British Columbia's majestic heartland, shnazzed each other so beautifully in last year's finals that two judges were seen to have tears in their eyes. It was only the fact that Jessie so obviously did not reach smiley-face that cost them their long-yearned-for crown. Indeed, it seems that in recent competitions, the couple's admittedly stunning grace while shnazzing only results in an orgasm for Jessie about seventy percent of the time. Some believe that it will take more than a feather touch and a caring tongue from Gilford to get the desired highest mountain from Jessie in the future, and she has confided to friends that she wishes "Timmy would just ease up with the delicacy once in a while and shnazz my Canadian brains out". Gilford remains committed, however, to the old school theory that sex should be a poetic display of love, and even when ramming his partner doggie-style to the tune of U2's "Desire"—quite a bold maneuver for the both of them, considering their angelic image—he seems oddly Zen-like. They have an outside shot at the title this year if Jessie can get off convincingly in the judge's eyes.
7. MEXICO — Anna Cruz and Enrique Romo
ODDS OF WINNING: 32 to 1
BEST PREVIOUS SHOWING: 1st
The up-and-down odyssey of Anna Cruz continues to be a hot topic of discussion in the world of competitive sex. This stunning beauty whose breathtakingly flawless choodle and incredible oral technique scored her three championships in the early nineties continues to hook up with one inadequate partner after another. This year her resplendent snuzzer, a neatly-trimmed tableau of vivid, dainty colors usually only seen in the most awesome of Mexican sunsets, was recently immortalized on her home country's third class stamp, but it has been treated most rudely in competition by Enrique Romo's careless, jabbing member. As if former partner Javier Rodrigo's irritating and unprofessional grins and smiles during Anna's oral overture weren't bad enough in 1999, Romo's amateurish, noisy slurps at Anna's gorgeous oats are guaranteed to cost her another championship—if he can even get past the oral smoothly and penetrate that celebrated homewrecker on the first try.
6. ITALY — Donna Monleoni and Marco DonLeone
ODDS OF WINNING: 16 to 1
BEST PREVIOUS SHOWING: 2nd
No matter how beautiful is the sight of DonLeone's nine-inch wicket sending forth a never-ending rainbow stream of zither mix directly into Monleoni's rosy, supple mouth at the conclusion of their thirteen-minute routine, it cannot hide the fact that the couple doesn't quite possess bodies as pretty as what those bodies can do on the professional bed. DonLeone has been struggling with his weight since 1997 (his family runs a chain of four-star Italian restaurants as well as a candy factory and an easy-chair wholesaler), and Monleoni doesn't seem to realize that judges are paid to notice such things as her careless makeup jobs and slightly pudgy thighs. Still, this couple has no equal when it comes to great beginnings and grand finales. Their routine last year opened with Donna swirling Marco's sausage lovingly and frenetically in her raven-black tassles before she slurped it down like a Flintstones vitamin to the haunting strains of the love theme from Children of a Lesser God. It all ended with the crowd gasping at Marco's dead ejaculatory aim, showcased while the music switched inspiringly to Celine Dion's "A New Day". As Donna rubbed what little syrup she didn't swallow over her large vowels, it seemed like the couple might just walk away with their first championship cup—but Marco's inability to hide his growing gut as he got up off the bed simply cost them too many points. If only they spent as much time working out as they did devising new ways for Donna to wear her liquid necklaces, they might have a better chance at shnazzing for the big prize.
5. FRANCE — Lynelle and Yves Monette
ODDS OF WINNING: 1 in 12
BEST PREVIOUS SHOWING: 3rd
The French sure can yoidle, as evidenced by the sweaty hardcore action of the Monettes. Lynelle's mad bouncing dance on her husband's wangie leaves no question that she loves every minute of competition, and few women are as overtly sultry when they Vesuvius. It's a wonder sometimes that her head doesn't fly off with all her bucking and flailing. The Monettes are also famous for perspiring unashamedly and often licking each other's sweat as they go at it, their thirsty oral display accompanied by the best of modern French electronic music. It's great sex, and when they're onstage there's not a single soft member in the audience, but is it art? Last year they literally tore up the bed, and Yves' handlers labored for more than two minutes to dislodge a pillowcase from his left ear after the routine was complete. But the couple only received a third place medal for their efforts, suggesting that ecstatic grunts and throaty screams do not make up for the myriad tiny flaws that plague the Monettes' routine, from Lynelle's tendency to grind her crotch way too hard into hubby's face during their sixty-nining (which resulted in a bizarre near-suffocation during their performance at 2001's Super Bowl halftime show), to Yves' troubling inability to time his outstroke to the throbbing techno beats that blare deafeningly over their feverish shnazzing. Here's hoping this husband and wife are not too exhausted to accept a nice big check this year.
4. IRELAND — Mia O'Leary and Seamus Hearn
ODDS OF WINNING: 1 in 8
BEST PREVIOUS SHOWING: 15th
She's a busty red-haired beauty of nineteen, raised on the windy heath of Glaston-Upon-Glastonshire; he's a rough-hewn fisherman from Shobbler's Cob who's a full foot shorter and ten years older than she. Their routine begins with him serenading her from afar with his lovely accordion-only version of "The Long and Winding Road", and ends with his trout-slicked hands gripping her Irish wetmelon as soups lustily inside of it. In one moment, Mia is a shy virgin princess in a flowing green gown bending over to listen to the blissful song of an imaginary fawn, and fifteen minutes later, she's a writhing wangieslut bending over to take her squeeze's throbbing oscar. Their act celebrates both the delicate eroticism of sexual union and its coarser oh-yeah-shnazz-me-harder-please-Santa aspects, and it's always quite a show, a sort of Riverdance spectacular, and just like Riverdance, the dancers often leave the stage walking funny and toweling choodle juice off their foreheads. Don't be surprised if this year, Mia and Seamus' Irish eyes are smiling as they stand naked, panting, and a little bruised in front of an ecstatic nation.
3. CHINA — Po Deng Xiao and Long Nang
ODDS OF WINNING: 1 in 4
BEST PREVIOUS SHOWING: 7th
Imprisoned for eleven years on a Manchurian labor farm for speaking out against human rights abuses in their homeland, Po Deng Xiao and Long Nang were the first to use their sexual routine to call attention to the continued atrocities committed daily against Chinese citizens by their oppressors, thus removing every bit of the entertainment value in watching attractive people do it.
2. POLAND — Mirsk Kotosk and Jeromisk Walesich
ODDS OF WINNING: 1 in 3
BEST PREVIOUS SHOWING: 2nd
Forgive us for punning on the incredibly obvious, but Warsaw's Jeromisk Walesich sports one serious Pole. The longest member in international competition goes face to face with one of the hottest yum-caves in the world. Watch for Mirsk Kotosk's big, soft, succulent beams to cradle Walesich's slick, almost comically rigid flute for a good three minutes at the beginning of their new routine centered around boob-shnazzing and balletic rear-entry action. The terrifically erotic sounds of this couple's humping have been captured on a new CD which has become the third best-selling album in Poland. No one's golden pony gets as wet and wild as Mirsk's, and you can hear it from the seventh row lapping hungrily at that enormous wangie like a baby koala drinking from a Serengeti tide pool after a six-week drought. Hopefully the noises of pure lust will be enough to distract the fans and judges from noticing that the two competitors so obviously despise each other. Their ever-growing hatred tends to manifest itself in subtle revenge games as they go at it, so watch for Jeromisk to soup in Mirsk's eye for the third straight time in formal competition if Mirsk again hides a thumbtack in her mouth before she fellates him.
1. AMERICA — Judy Shipshank and Rod Mendelbaum
ODDS OF WINNING: 3 to 2
PREVIOUS BEST SHOWING: never competed
This could be America's year if popular porn stars Judy and Rod can come out of nowhere, so to speak, after three grueling years of rehearsing in private. Their routine is said to incorporate everything from a haunting sexual interpretation of Jean-Paul Sartre's No Exit to an emotionally moving silent tribute to the fallen victims of the Loch Ness Monster which involves Judy dribbling Rod's funfoam from her tongue into his ears. Legendary coach Asia Dundee, herself a two-time sex champion whose impeccably timed four-foot leaps onto her partners' shafts are still unrivalled today, emerged from retirement to help craft the work of the American upstarts. Videotapes shot surreptitiously of Judy and Rod in rehearsal at Fenway Park caused many in the media to touch themselves with open glee, and some say Judy's gumdrop has been transformed through constant workouts into a glowing undersea pearl that hypnotizes all mortals who look upon it and which can trigger an orgasm at the slightest change in a room's air conditioning. Exaggeration, perhaps, but few doubt that the red, white and blue will finally place in the top three for the first time since 1977, when Americans took the grand prize thanks to co-winner Lincoln Roosevelt Washington's remarkable recovery from a premature spritz to spill a second time within three minutes, a competitive record tied in 1981 by famous science fiction author Arthur C. Clarke.