Confessions of a Rust Belt Swinger 13

Not one thing.

Because I'm an idiot?

That, my friends, is a very good working theory. So there we were. Me and Anne. Standing in the room with all these other folks, my wife proudly displaying her beads along with the rest of the ladies.

And me with my dick in my hands.

Well, figuratively. Because me standing there with my dick in my hands would be a bit weird. Which is in itself kind of weird seeing as how we were at a goddamned swinger's house party where every guy should have his dick in his hand. Or some woman's hand. Or pussy.

Or something.

Instead, we stood in the room as Cindy and Greg talked about how they were going to give out prizes to the three women that had collected the most beads in the past few hours. Past few hours??? God, this was like the longest party in the entire fucking universe!! I think I've been to dental appointments that had more excitement than this.

Well, with less boob flashing.

And more novocaine.

And drilling.

Ok, maybe the dental appointments weren't more fun, but it still seemed like this party felt like it was fucking dragging on forever.

Cindy then pulled these giant baskets of stuff out from under the couch. Or magically from the air. Or perhaps from Greg's ass. I have no idea. I mean, one minute it was an empty coffee table, then next minute these giant freakin cellophane wrapped door prize baskets of stuff were sitting on it.

What was in the baskets?

How the fuck should I know?

Could have been a pressed ham.

Or 17 giant dildoes.

Or maybe a frozen cat. I really wasn't paying much attention.

What I noticed more was the energy. The vibe. It was like I imagined how people would be right before the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain. You know, the event where hundreds of people run down the street in front of a shitload of angry bulls? People run, screaming as the bulls chase them. They can be seriously injured or killed, yet year after year people do it.

Why?

The excitement?

The thrill?

The love of bovines?

I have no idea why.

Where was I going with this?

Oh yeah, that feeling of nervous energy. I mean, it filled this tiny room in this average house in the middle of suburbia. The knowledge that something was coming next. Something that all of these average, everyday people were waiting for. Something, I don't know, dangerous? Wrong? Taboo?

Cindy gave a basket to Pirate Patty. As she started her acceptance speech, I noticed that I wasn't the only one that wasn't listening. The party, as well as the nervous energy was moving.

That's right.

Moving.

Where?

"The bedrooms are now open," said Greg, with a huge shit eating grin on his face.

And, like the crowds in Pamplona, all of these average, everyday green covered people RAN, not walked, RAN into the bedrooms. Clothes were shed so fast that I think I saw a shirt actually burst into flame.

"And I want to thank the members of the academy," droned on Pirate Patty as the fucking commenced. I mean, it was instantaneous.

I looked over at Anne. She had that look on her face. The one that I've grown to see and understand immediately.

'WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU GOTTEN US INTO NOW DUM DUM?'

I smiled. I mean, what could I say? This was just plain weird. I know that I was looking forward to naked women and perhaps some action, but these people were acting like it was the last fuck they would ever have.

Ever.

Anne and I looked into the bedroom. There were roughly eight couples on the bed and another half dozen or so standing around them. Watching. The couples on the bed? All I could see were these pale while bony asses pumping up and down. Every once in a while you could hear a moan or gasp, but for the most part it just all seemed, I don't know, robotic? It wasn't so much pleasure going on as opposed to just mechanical thrusting. Fast. Mostly silent. Thrusting.

Ew.

This wasn't sexy.

This wasn't hot.

These were soulless automatons trying to get their rocks off as fast as they could.

Anne was right.

What the fuck did I get us into?

I smiled weakly at Anne. On the inside I groaned. Because I knew.

Like you know about a ripe melon.

Time to start planning the exit strategy.

No passing go. No collecting two hundred dollars. No getting some hot bimbo to sit on my face and wiggle.

"W-why," I said to Anne, "don't we check out the other, um bedroom?" She looked at me. What I thought at first was a glare was actually a look of understanding. Compassion. She knew that I was just trying to show her a good time. Spice up our lives. She knew that I didn't know what we would find when we got here in fucked up house party-land

She knew.

Whew.

Of course, that look quickly morphed into one that screamed, 'Yes I do love you but I still think you're an idiot.'

Whatever. I'll take what I can get!

"Fine," she answered. So we left the first bedroom.

And almost ran smack dab into the little naked dude with a hard-on walking around the living room.

I'm sorry. What?

You know, what party doesn't need a small naked man with an erect penis?

I can't think of one.

Oh, and he had a HUGE shit-eating grin on his face.

'I'm getting so much big person pussy that I think I'm gonna fucking explode!'

At least that's what I believe he was thinking.

Seriously, he was like five feet tall. Naked. Erect. Oh and hairy.

Anne hurled.

No. She didn't hurl for real. Mentally hurled.

God, some women don't know how to handle a tiny hairy horny hombre.

Which actually works because he did look slightly Hispanic.

His little grin actually got a bit bigger as he proceeded to run back into the first room, his cock bouncing all the way.

Back to the fucking my small yet aroused friend! God bless and good luck!

Anne and I stood for a few seconds. Just taking that moment in for a few. We looked to see if there were anymore small naked people lurking about. Seeing none, we wandered into the second room. It was smaller, darker and had less bony asses sticking in the air.

Oh, and Pirate Patty was in here.

Putting on a show.

Of course.

"OH JUST LIKE THAT! YES, HARDER! HARDER! FUCK ME! YES, NOW RUB MY PUSSY! UH HUH, JUST LIKE THAT! YES, OH YES! NOW MOVE A LITTLE TO THE LEFT! UH HUH. NOW BACK TO THE RIGHT! GOD, OH I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT! I'M SO GOOD!!!"

I thought the director was gonna yell cut at any moment. Holy shit was she annoying. Seriously, how could you fuck someone like that? There were a few other people in the room, but they were completely overwhelmed by her stage presence. She was like a bad TV reality show. 'Suburban fucker moms and their desperate partners.'

I think its on right after Horders.

I looked around the dark room and noticed that there was an empty single bed.

The thing was, even after all of this - the hot kitchen, the door prizes, the bony asses, tiny naked hairy men, I was still thinking - 'yeah. I could fuck.'

Sue me.

I'm a guy.

So, I looked over at Anne and then at the bed. She looked at me. Then at the bed. I smiled. Looked back the bed.

"OH GOD FASTER. RAM YOUR COCK INTO ME FASTER! NOW SLOWER! SLOWER! LET ME FEEL IT! FASTER! GODDAMN YOU FASTER!"

"Yeah," said Anne. "Not gonna happen."

He shoots!

Misses.

We left second bedroom and Patty directing her first orgasm. And ended up back in the living room. Where Greg and Cindy were now sitting on the couch. Cindy's tits were still managing to stay in her tiny green satin top. I have no idea how. Tape? Springs? A little luck o' the Irish? We sat with them and chatted. I wondered why they weren't in one of the rooms enjoying the fun.

"How come you guys aren't having fun with the others?" asked Anne. She obviously didn't have the conversation just going on in her head. She talked to people.

God bless that woman.

"Oh, well Cindy isn't feeling too well right now," said Greg as he leered at Anne, "but I was planning on having some fun later." He now smiled and leered at Anne.

He smeered.

"Hopefully you'll join me."

Smeer.

Have you ever seen a woman's skin literally try to crawl off the rest of her body and then run out of a room. Because I swear that's what Anne's did as Greg smeered at her.

"Uhhhh,"" was all Anne's skinless jaw could utter.

Cindy coughed and smiled. Her giant balloon tits wobbled precariously, but the shirt held. Man, those little leprechauns were doing an amazing job holding those pontoons in there.

"I'm sure that Cindy is gonna rally and perhaps you two can get together as well," said Greg, his smeer turning to me. I looked over at Cindy. She wheezed. Smiled again. Coughed hard. What the fuck did she have? The flu? Pneumonia? Bubonic plague?

And Greg wants me to try and fuck her while he eats my wife?

No, not lick her pussy.

I really think he wanted to eat her.

"Wow," I said, "well, um, we'll see." What do I do? What do I do?

I felt my own skin begin to tingle, ready to make a fast break.

And then the twelve year olds walked in.

Seriously. This couple walked into the living room, obviously just arriving at this house of fucking horrors.

And they were twelve.

Ok, maybe thirteen.

Greg and Cindy said there hellos. And by hellos I mean Greg smeered at the girl and Cindy coughed up a lung. They sat on the other couch. I gawked. I'm sure I gawked. Anne asked them how old they were. I mean, flat out asked. Why the fuck not? She had no skin, the dude next to her wanted to feast on her with a nice chianti and some fava beans and Typhoid Mary was slowly infecting us all with her deadly strain of malaria.

A perfect time to find out about the kids.

Turns out they were in their twenties.

Really? Cause I know when I was sixteen I had a fake ID that said I was in my twenties as well.

Fine. Whatever. They were in their twenties. That still didn't explain what they were doing at a party in the middle of the suburbs with a bunch of horny forty year olds.

"We just have trouble relating to people our own age," the boy said.

Yeah, cause they're into video games, ice cream and passing notes in class. Not fucking old people with fake tits and sagging bellies.

But a connection was made. Greg was smeering at the girl and Cindy sneezed on the boy.

A match made in heaven.

I grabbed Anne's skin, pulled the rest of her body to her feet and headed towards the door.

The party went on into the wee hours of the morning. Fucking and sucking all night long.

Anne and I didn't fuck anyone that night.

Not even each other.

But, after a good long hot shower using lots of antiseptic soap, we decided that perhaps the whole house party thing wasn't for us.

Well, maybe not.

Thanksgiving is coming.

You never know.

Gobble Gobble!