Confused Heart

Dear Dr. Carroll,

I know this letter will be way too long, but my situation is so confused I'm afraid to leave anything out. If you print this in your column, please feel free to cut all the meaningless babble. I've also enclosed a stamped, self-addressed envelope in case you want to reply directly. But I desperately need your advice.

I grew up in San Francisco, a third-generation Chinese American with very traditional parents. I have two brothers who are both much older. In fact, my second brother left for college while I was still in grade school. Since both brothers attended college and grad school on the East Coast, I felt like an only child.

My parents were very strict, very Chinese, so I was pushed to excel in school and music. Luckily, my mother believed in physical fitness or I would have spent my whole life playing violin and studying. Volleyball was my sport and I always loved the teamwork and the intensity of a close game. By now you may have guessed that I'm tall. In fact, I'm freakishly tall for a Chinese girl ... 5-feet-9.

My looks are not much to brag about. When they're being kind, people call me "cute." Objectively I think I'm attractive when I smile, plain otherwise.

Physically there's not much to say once you get past "tall." I do have long, athletic legs that I've caught people checking out. And my butt is hard from years of competitive volleyball. Up top, well, I've heard descriptions like "slender," and "long-waisted," but nobody ever looks at my chest because I don't have one. Thirty-two, B-cup, that's me. The only reason I bother with a bra is my nipples are very dark against fairly pale skin.

My problem is sexual, obviously, since I'm writing to sex columnist. Please bear with me.

Thanks to my protective parents, I went to an all-girls school and never had a date until I was 17. Even then the occasion was arranged by my parents and their old friends the Changs.

Eddie Chang was okay at first, despite the thick glasses and the fact that I was taller. We ate pizza and went to a movie, but Dr. Jekyll turned into Mr. Hyde on the way home. He parked on the street in full view of anybody passing by and suddenly his hands and mouth were all over me.

I had rarely been alone with a boy before and I was shocked as only the truly naive can be. I barely even touched my OWN breasts and there I was being mauled by a semi-stranger. My first kiss was anything but romantic. I was totally disgusted when Eddie tried to push his tongue in my mouth. When he shoved a hand up my skirt and tried to poke a finger into my panties, I jumped from the car and ran. Luckily I was only a mile from home. I refused to answer my mother's questions about my date, and made sure I was never alone with Eddie again.

No biggie, of course. Lots of girls have lousy first dates. Unfortunately my second date followed the same lines. The only difference was Robert Fong made his play while we were still at the movies. And I bailed out before he got around to lifting my skirt. It turned out that Eddie had told a bunch of guys I was "loose," which is the only reason Robert asked me out.

Where was the romance I was reading about in books? What was it about boys that was supposed to set me on fire? As far as I could tell, they were more animal than human, and not very appealing animals at that!

I DID have one more date in high school, for the big annual cotillion when I was a senior. My mother insisted on me going and arranged for my escort. He was another friend of the family ... three years older ... clearly bored with me AND attending a high school cotillion. I suspect he was humoring his parents like I was, and he never laid a finger on me aside from a couple of slow dances. I was home in bed by midnight.

So (you're thinking) she had a lousy time dating in high school ... just like 90 percent of the girls in America. What's the big deal?

The big deal was college ... and that's were things got REALLY confusing!

I had four scholarship offers, so naturally I took the one farthest from my parents. I knew instinctively that I had to get far, far away from them if I ever wanted to be my own person. That's how I landed at a small, but well-known liberal arts college in the upper Midwest.

On my first day of college I was unpacking in my dorm room when I heard a quick knock on the door. I opened it and met the 100-watt smile of Dannielle "Dannie" Bales, a sophomore with personality enough for 10 people.

Dannie was a resident assistant in my dorm, notifying freshmen about orientation activities. To my delight, she stayed and talked for half an hour. By the time she left, I was glowing with pleasure at her attention. She has the knack of making you feel you're special with a smile and a few words.

Dannie told me later that she fell for me during those first 30 minutes in my room. The feeling was completely mutual, though I really had no idea WHAT I was feeling. I just know I was flushed from head to toe by the time she breezed out with a wave and a promise to come back soon.

Well, Dannie and I were inseparable after that, though it was a long time before our relationship became physical. You won't believe this, but I honestly had the vague idea that lesbians lived only in San Francisco because I had seen them there all my life. It never occurred to me that lesbians could also be feminine little extroverts from Chicago.

I was in the middle of my first relationship and I didn't even know it!

It also never occurred to me that I was a lesbian. I had never been sexually aroused by man or woman, though I was familiar with a warm feeling that spread through my body during certain movies and while reading certain books. I was quite familiar with my inadequate breasts, and once I had taken the advice of a book and squatted naked over a mirror to look between my legs.

"Eeewwh!" I thought, "I'm obviously deformed."

I decided nobody could ever be aroused by the sparse black hair and dark, crinkly lips of my vagina, though it was interesting to see such a vibrant shade of pink when I pulled myself open. At least my asshole was not as ugly as I expected, considering its function. Actually, it was kind of cute.

Dannie was very touchy, which was completely outside my experience. She was always touching my hands and arms, and occasionally my face and legs. And she began giving me neck and shoulder rubs that left me flushed and shaking. I had no idea, but she was prepping me for something much more intimate.

Finally she started giving me back rubs after we finished studying each night that left me in a state of total -- but uncomprehending -- arousal. You wanna know how naive I was? I was wishing I could find a guy who made me feel the way Dannie did!

Despite many offers, Dannie never let me give her more than a token neck rub in return for the hour-long sessions she spent taking the kinks out of my back. But she finally relented one night in her room after a grueling study session.

"Rub my back, Wendy, before I turn into one giant cramp!"

So I finally got to give Dannie a real back rub. I made her lie down on her bed and started by sitting next to her. But I soon realized I could apply some real pressure by getting on the bed and straddling her hips. That felt interesting, her solid butt warm between my thighs. Then I gave her a world class massage. I realize now that I was pouring all my unspoken feelings into that passionate but tender back rub.

I started where her neck met the base of her skull, gently squeezing and stroking until she sighed. Then I moved on to the rest of her neck, her shoulders and down her back. It thrilled me when she moaned her pleasure. But I had barely gotten started when she said, "Wait," and rose up to whip off her top. Then she laid back down, looked over her shoulder and said simply, "Undo my bra."

A strange wave of heat swept through my body as I unhooked her bra and felt her bare skin beneath my fingers. The warmth seemed to gather between my legs and for the first time I felt myself becoming wet. Suddenly I could feel every slight motion of my swollen nipples inside by bra. I was lightheaded and breathing like I had run up three flights of stairs. I knew I was on the threshhold of something powerful and scary, but what?

I think I might still be rubbing Dannie's back if she hadn't finally sighed and turned over, tossing her bra aside. I had seen glimpses of her breasts before, but now they were laid out below me like a banquet in front of a starving woman. I couldn't take my eyes off her milky white skin, her dusky pink areolae and her thick nubs. Dannie rubbed the marks the underwires had left below her breasts.

"God it feels good to get that thing off," she whispered. Then I did the boldest thing I've ever done. I pushed her hands aside and started rubbing the marks below her breasts.

"Hey," I said hoarsely, my mouth dry, "who's giving the massage here?"

I was terrified that Dannie would slap my hands away from her breasts and tear herself away from me, but no. Her eyes stayed closed and her delicious mouth (did I say that?) curved up into a smile.

"Hmmm," she said. "That feels woooonderful!"

I worked under her breasts for awhile, then followed her bra marks around her sides, all the time moving my eyes back and forth from her beautiful mounds to her lovely face. I couldn't look at her enough. I knew without even thinking that I wanted to feel her warm breasts fill my hands and so -- scared to death -- I did it. I took her breasts in my hands and squeezed them gently. My pulse was pounding in my head. There was no reaction, so I continued rubbing them gently.

"Do my nipples," Dannie whispered, her eyes still closed. Did I hear that right? She wanted me to touch her nipples? I wasn't sure, but my fingers moved on their own, sliding over her thick, fleshy bumps. I stroked and tugged gently and lightly pinched them between my fingers. The room was very hot.

Dannie's eyes were open, finally, looking up at me, into my eyes and into my soul. She put one hand on the back of my neck and pulled me down to her, pulling my lips to hers.

"Kiss me," she whispered, and I did. That kiss was everything romantic and exciting I had ever read about or imagined. The sensation of her lips on mine was thrilling, then her tongue pressed between my lips into my mouth. Heavenly! Was that ME groaning? She tasted warm and sweet like a melon fresh out of the field.

That kiss went on forever. Long enough for her to thoroughly explore my mouth and for me, finally, to explore hers. Long enough for me to notice her hands roughly gripping my hair and her breasts pressing up against mine and her hips humping upwards ever so slightly. Finally we came up for air, our faces an inch apart, and Dannie was smiling broadly.

"Shall I show you what to do?" she asked. Speechless, I could only nod my eager agreement. She rolled me over onto my back and got off the bed. My eyes followed her like radar while she lit some candles, turned off the lights and double-locked the door. Then she stood only inches away from the bed and unbuttoned her jeans, pushing them slowly down her smoothly muscled legs while her breasts hung swaying in front of her. Dannie's panties were a blinding, pure white in the dim light, bulging where her pubic hair filled the crotch. I think I whimpered.

"You are soooo beautiful," she whispered, looking down at me, which is exactly what I was thinking about her at that moment. "I'm going to make love to you." And another wave of heat rushed through my body, powered equally by eagerness and a hint of the forbidden. There was so much juice between my legs I could feel it wetting me.

Gently, she undressed me, starting with my shoes and socks and a short but pleasant foot massage. Then she straddled my waist and began unbuttoning my shirt slowly. So slowly! I was on fire wanting to feel her fingers on my bare skin. Finally she spread my shirt open and saw my bra had the clasp in front.

"This is handy," she grinned and flipped it open. She pulled the cups off my small breasts, made even smaller by me lying on my back. Now she was serious again, looking down at my chest then up at my eyes.

"They're beautiful," she whispered, and I melted again. She covered my breasts with her warm hands and squeezed gently. "I have been wanting to touch you for weeks."

Then she put both hands on one breast, pushing it gently into a cone shape with my prominent nipple at the very top. With one motion she leaned down and took me into her mouth and I gasped, strained and reflexively pushed my chest up to meet her glorious, wet sucking. My nipple was a point of slippery, aching pleasure that somehow went stabbing along my nerves to my other nipple and down to my hips. I distinctly felt the muscles of my vagina tighten, and I didn't even know I HAD any muscles there!

THEN! Then she started using her tongue on me and before long the whole universe had shrunk to my hard, sensitive nipple in her sucking, licking mouth and the jets of pleasure zinging to every corner of my brain. I thought I would pass out.

She stopped, and kissed me again. Long. Hard. Powerful. My pussy muscles spasmed again.

Then my other nipple got the same treatment and at some point I noticed a steady moaning sound in the room. Was somebody dying? No, it was me. I was in a half-conscious fog of pleasure when she opened the front of my jeans and hurriedly tugged them off. My panties went next and then, gloriously, she was lying on top of me ... acres of soft, sensitive skin touching me everywhere!

"Fuck me," the thought became words so soft I was sure she wouldn't hear. But she did. She stopped.

"Say it again!" she demanded.

"Fuck me," I whispered hoarsely.

"Beg for it!" she ordered.

"Please fuck me. Please, oh PLEASE, fuck me!" I never used that word! I couldn't believe the words were coming from my mouth, or that my hips were humping upwards, lifting her weight.

"Oh darling I am going to fuck you soooo good," she whispered, harsh and tender. "And it makes me so WET to hear you beg!" My only reply was to moan and wrap my legs around her. But she was pushing my legs open, sliding herself down, down. Where was she going?

I looked down past my wet, painfully erect nipples, across my concave belly and my pubic mound to where Dannie's lovely face hovered over my V. Our eyes locked.

"I want your first to be wonderful," she said, and lowered her mouth to my pussy. A moment later my mouth flew open, my head slammed back on the pillow and my back arched, pressing my hips up against her mouth. The pleasure before was a ripple compared to this powerful wave.

"AAAAAAAHHHH!" I cried, then again. "AAAAAAHHHH! AAAAAAHHHH! AAAAAAHHHH!"

It was impossible, obscene, dirty, but Dannie was licking me, down THERE, her tongue sliding from my gaping, dripping, wide open lower mouth up my slit to brush against my hooded clit. My hips were pumping convulsively, my hands death-gripping the comforter, my quivering mouth trying not to scream. I was moaning, humping, pounding the bed with my fists and wanting nothing more than her mouth and my pussy, together, neverending.

The waves quickly grew more powerful, but I was only partly aware, my head full of pink-orange fog so the final crest caught me by surprise. The pleasure overwhelmed any remaining thought and I became just an animal. A shaking, begging, convulsing, dripping, glorious animal.

"OOOOoooooooh, Dannie! My God! My God! Oh MY GOD! AAAAUUGGH! AAAAUUGGH! AAAAUUGGH! OH FUCK! FUCK! FUCK ME SWEETHEART! FUCK MEEEEeeeeeeee!!!

Finally my thrashing, moaning and babbling subsided and I felt my pussy squeezing and squeezing. Completely spent by my first cum, I already knew I had to have more. And more. And more.

Finally I got the strength to raise my head and look down at Dannie. I found her looking at me with a big grin, her chin resting on my pubic mound and her face glistening with my juices. I thought she was beautiful.

"Good?" she asked.

"Good doesn't even begin to describe this feeling," I said weakly, and her grin got even bigger.

"I was hoping you'd like that, because I plan to do it a lot," Dannie said. My throat tightened, thinking of her licking me again. Then she wiped her mouth on her arm and crawled up until we were face to face, gazing into each other's eyes. She straddled one of my legs and I felt the rasp of her coarse pubes and the kiss of her wet lower lips on top of my thigh. She squeezed my leg between hers and pressed her crotch against me, then she pulled her hips up and pressed down again.

Soon Dannie had a slow rhythm going, her hands gripping my arms while she ground her sex against my leg. Her breathing started to labor and she kissed my nipple, then briefly sucked it into her mouth. I was in heaven, watching her arousal build. Her face became flushed, her eyes closed and her sweet mouth became slack and fell open slightly. I wanted to kiss those lips, but they were just out of reach, so I watched.

She kept rhythmically humping my thigh and she gasped when I instinctively raised my leg to put more pressure on her crotch. Dannie increased her tempo and now her whole body was moving up and down on top of mine, her erect nipples brushing my skin. It seemed to go on for a long time. The top of my thigh was completely wet and I could feel droplets sliding down to wet the sheets.

Then her eyes were wide open, staring wildly into mine, while her mouth tightened and became a wide 'O' of arousal.

"Wendy! Wendy! I'm ... almost ... THERE! Uh! Uh! Unh! Uh! Uh! Unh! Unnnhhmmmm! Unnhmm! Mmmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mm! Mmmph!

Then her whole weight was on me, her face buried against a breast, her tits flattened between us and she was cumming, cumming as she humped me faster and faster! Her first scream was short and high, but muffled against my small breast, then her mouth found my nipple and she bit down sending an icy stab of pain/pleasure searing through my body.

"Mmmph! Mmph!" she moaned, and then raised her face to mine, her features distorted with pleasure.

"I'm FUCKING you sweetheart! Fucking! Fucking! So FUCKING GOOD! My sweet FUCK! My lover! My sweet FUCKING LOVER!"

And so it went for what seemed like an hour until she was completely spent, flat on top of me, motionless but for her ragged breathing. I was so happy she came making love to me, and never felt more tender as I stroked her sweaty hair and smiled at the ceiling.

"So this is who I am," I thought at last. "A girl who loves girls."

It was awhile before I could call myself a lesbian, but I was content. The puzzle was solved and the last piece fitted into place.

And that's how I discovered I was a lesbian. A couple from that day forward, Dannie and I became roommates in second semester and made love every chance we got. She made me come in dozens of ways and taught me how to make her come. I became an expert lover with my mouth, fingers, my whole body. My proudest moments came when we lay cuddling after making love and I saw the deep satisfaction in her eyes. We were both insatiable that first year , exploring each other.

She also introduced me to our school's close-knit lesbian community. I found that our dorm had a reputation as the lesbian dorm even though most of the girls who lived there were straight. That's what my conservative parents got for insisting that I live in an all-girl dorm. I made a point of getting along with both hetero and gay girls, even though some of the straight girls wouldn't have anything to do with the lesbians and vice-versa.

I went home to San Francisco for the summer between freshman and sophomore years, and missed Dannie horribly the whole time. We would talk long distance and finger ourselves to orgasm while urging each other on.

My mother eagerly questioned me about dates and boys at college, so I made up dates and boyfriends and showed her snapshots of my male friends as evidence.