Confused Heart

"Anybody serious?" my mother would ask, and I replied, "No. Still playing the field," while thinking of Dannie.

My sophomore and junior years were blissful, especially since Dannie and I talked our parents into letting us attend summer school in between. When our families visited we recruited guys we knew to play our temporary boyfriends. Dannie kept a photo of her high school boyfriend on her desk, while I had a poster of Russell Crowe and displayed numerous snapshots of male buddies.

We made no apologies for not coming out to our families, though the activist lesbians on campus held our cowardice in contempt. As far as I was concerned, my parents would go to their graves thinking I would soon settle down with a nice Chinese boy.

Our idyll finally ended when Dannie graduated with honors and got a job in Chicago. The Windy City was far enough away from school that it was tough to make the drive for a weekend visit. Plus my father found me a great summer internship in San Francisco. I couldn't say no to that, so back I went to the Bay Area. Once again I spent my nights cradling the phone to my ear, listening hungrily to Dannie's voice while desperately tugging on my nipples and rubbing my pussy. Only that summer, family and job obligations kept her from calling as often as before.

I was wildly eager when I flew east for my senior year. Although I loved school, the real reason my heart pounded as the plane landed in Chicago was that Dannie was driving me back to campus. We crushed each other with a hug when we met in the baggage claim area, and I made her kiss me long and deep when we finally got to her car. The ride back to school was one long reunion as we shared stories, touches and our longing for each other. We fucked that weekend until our lips were swollen, our tongues tired and our pussies sore. I was crushed and tearful when Dannie had to leave early Sunday for a family event back in Chicago.

And that was the last time I saw Dannie until Thanksgiving! She was traveling and working long hours for her company and helping her parents deal with an unruly younger brother, so she was rarely free. It was then I realized how spoiled I had been during my first three years of college. Dannie had been my lover, my best friend and my world in those years. The hole left by her absence was huge.

Not that I wasn't busy. I was swamped with school work, and got involved in several campus organizations besides playing on the volleyball team and rehearsing with my chamber group. Still, my emotional life was as barren as the Sahara. I was lonely.

My emotional state did not go unnoticed among my friends and acquaintances. In fact, I was surprised when several girls hit on me during the first few weeks of school, including one who had a boyfriend! All but one took my rejection gracefully and left me alone to dream about Dannie.

The exception was Buffy, although that was not her real name. She got her nickname from a certain television character known for sticking vampires with wooden stakes. Only our Buffy's fame came from sticking girls with her famous strap-on.

Buffy was a fifth-year student and softball player ... a bit heavily built but powerfully muscled. Her firm, D-cup breasts and bubble butt put us all to shame. And her face was attractive too, though on the masculine side.

Buffy propositioned me the day after Dannie left and I told her to get lost in very clear terms. But unlike the others, she kept coming back. At least once a week she showed up at my door, asking to come in and talk. If I let her inside she typically closed the door, to my irritation. Then she would sit or stand as close to me as possible, talking in a low, suggestive voice. She was very candid.

"Listen, Wendy, I know you're in love with Dannie. Who isn't? She's a fine piece of ass. But Dannie is gone and she's not coming back," Buffy said. "Why not give me a chance?"

"I'm not giving you a chance as you call it because even though Dannie is not around, we're still a couple," I said.

"Did Dannie say you're still a couple," Buffy demanded.

"She doesn't have to say anything," I retorted confidently. "We both know what we want, and we want each other."

There was another reason I didn't want anything to do with Buffy. Dannie had never put anything inside me bigger than a few fingers. But a friend had seen Buffy come out of a bedroom late one night at a house party -- drunk, nude and wearing her strap-on. I don't know much about penises, but hers was reported to look big and dangerous -- especially bobbing from the loins of a hardbody like Buffy.

Buffy was peeved at my resistance.

"If she wants you so much, how come she can't find the time to drive down from Chicago," Buffy said. "If you were my girl I'd be driving down here every weekend just to sit on your face."

Uncomfortable, I looked away. It bothered me that Dannie called and came down so rarely, but I knew how much her work and family were taking up her time. Anyway, Buffy continued to proposition me and I continued to say no.

Finally, as Thanksgiving approached I began leaving messages on Dannie's machine, subtly (I thought) hinting I should spend the holiday at her apartment in Chicago. She returned some of those calls, mostly with brief messages left on my answering machine, but she never mentioned Thanksgiving. I began to despair, thinking I would not see her at all during the break. Surely her company would not send her on the road during a holiday?

Then came the call I had been waiting for. I returned from class to find Dannie's voice on my answering machine. She would be driving down to see me the day before Thanksgiving -- she gave no other details, but I happily assumed she would take me back to Chicago for Thanksgiving with her wonderful family and long, breathless romps in her apartment. I called back, but missed her, then began packing and telling everyone of my plans.

The afternoon of Nov. 23 found the campus deserted, with me waiting eagerly in my room, my suitcase ready. Finally I heard those familiar steps coming down the hall and I jumped to open the door.

"Dannie!" I cried, hugging her and kissing her deeply, "I've missed you sooooo much! Why, you're beautiful!"

She smiled and hugged me in return. She looked terrific -- vibrant, healthy and stylishly dressed. She was even wearing makeup, which she never did at school.

"You look great, too!" she exclaimed, indicating the clingy, feminine dress I put on to display my small assets for her benefit. "And I can tell you've been working out like crazy!"

We sat on the bed and chatted non-stop for half an hour, catching up, before the conversation began to slow.

"Well, let's go," I said, eyeing her full breasts, "unless you want to lock the door and have some fun before we head for Chicago."

Her smile faded.

"Did you think you were coming to Chicago with me?" she asked. "I never said that!"

"But we've been talking about it all along," I cried.

"No. You've been talking about it," Dannie said.

"Well if we're not going to Chicago, where are we going," I said impatiently.

"Wendy, you're not coming with me," she said, then added hesitantly, "I'm going to St. Louis with a friend and I thought I should stop by to say hello."

My eyes teared up and something seemed to be crushing my heart in my chest. I was dumbstruck, looking at her in disbelief.

"You're going to St. Louis with a friend for Thanksgiving?" I said in disbelief. I knew Thanksgiving was a big deal in her family, complete with squads of relatives arriving from all over the country.

"Yes, I'm spending Thanksgiving with my friend's family."

Then it hit me. I had been dumped. Replaced by some girl from St. Louis. My world collapsed and soon I was sobbing, face down on my bed. Then I thought, "NO! I'll fight for this woman! The only woman for me!"

So I begged, I threatened, I pleaded and I demanded she come back to me. We were meant for each other. She was the one.

It would have been easier if she had gotten angry, shouted, even hit me. But her face had the same patient, loving expression it always wore when we fought. She talked, explained, and answered questions, but the essential fact remained the same. There was someone else.

Finally my mind was blank, I was out of arguments. But there was one thing -- one last, wild chance. I stood, faced her and slowly unbuttoned the top of my dress. I knew my face was tear-stained and blotchy, but my breasts were not. Dannie always loved my breasts, couldn't get enough of them, sucked and nibbled me until I was sore. I pushed the dress off my shoulders, I wore no bra, and stood before her, arching my back, offering myself. Her eyes were on my chest.

"Please," I said, "let's make love one more time. At least I know you'll remember me."

She hesitated, then reached out. It was working! She was going to touch my breasts! I closed my eyes. I would love her like never before, make her explode with pleasure and tenderness. She would stay!

Then her fingertips brushed my cheek. I opened my eyes and she was looking into them. There was tenderness in her eyes, and distance.

"I could never forget you, Wendy" she said softly. Then she was gone.

I cried for hours on my bed, not even bothering to button my dress. Once there was an insistent knocking on my door and someone calling my name, but I ignored them. They were in the land of the living and I was in the land of the dead -- or somewhere in between. I couldn't hurt this much if I were dead.

I fell asleep in the cold darkness and woke up, groggy and confused with a weak mid-morning light of Thanksgiving Day coming through the curtains. Only I had nothing to give thanks for. I cried again and slept again. The dorm was empty. I couldn't even call my parents. They would realize that I was still at school, and questions would be asked. Questions I couldn't answer.

The sky was dark again when I woke to a knock on my door. They kept knocking, whoever it was. Listlessly I sat up, slowly buttoned my now-wrinkled dress and tottered to the door. It was Buffy, with a pizza in one hand and a pair of Diet Cokes in the other.

"I know you don't want to see anybody, but I hate to think of you crying in the dark. And unless you've got a tin can in there, you have to go pee sometime."

She was right. I desperately needed to pee and thirst made my tongue thick in my mouth. I plodded to the bathroom, peed, then just walked into one of the stalls and turned on the shower. I drank from the spray. I don't know how long I stood there, but it was long enough to get thoroughly chilled. Apathetic, I couldn't be bothered to turn on the hot water. I was shivering uncontrollably.

Then Buffy was there, turning off the water, stripping me out of my sopping dress and panties, toweling me roughly. She said something about the feeble-minded. She led me back to my room, put me in bed and crawled in beside me. She was wearing only a t-shirt and panties, though I barely noticed. She pulled my head into her shoulder, wrapped me in her arms and said, "Cry it out. Get it over with. That's how you get through these things."

So I cried again, and slept again, but not as long this time. When I woke up there was daylight coming through the window and Buffy was gone. But the pizza and Cokes were still there and I was starving. I wolfed down a slice of cold pizza and drank an entire can of Coke in two long draughts. I belched loudly, grimaced and began to think I might live. I pulled on a clean t-shirt, gazed apathetically at my hair in the mirror and went back to bed.

I woke up as Buffy climbed into bed with me. She was nude. Her breasts seemed huge as they briefly hung over me, her nipples big and thick. She wrapped me in her arms and held me for a long time, stroking my back. Her thickly muscled thigh was pushed between mine, hard up against my crotch. I was too apathetic to stop her or protest. I thought about how Dannie used to hold me in bed, cried, then fell asleep.

I woke up later with Buffy kissing my face and shoulders.

"Leave me alone," I muttered weakly. "I don't feel like it."

"I know you don't, sweetie, it's going to take you awhile, but I need a little sugar. Just let me work and I'll take care of you."

She took off my t-shirt and kissed me for a long time; face, neck, shoulders, breasts. She was gentler than I expected. After the longest time my nipples finally began to stiffen and swell. She sucked gently and it felt good. She sucked a long time. My pussy began to get warm and moist. I laid there motionless. She scooted down and began to kiss my belly and thighs. I didn't care. I was surprised that my body was reacting to her when my soul was dead.

Buffy finally settled her face between my legs, kissing gently and teasing with her tongue. I could feel my lips swelling, opening. I spread my legs wide, an automatic gesture. Her tongue parted my labia, stroking up and down, finding the opening of my vagina and circling the edges. I sighed, my brain numb and my pussy burning.

She settled into a pattern, penetrating me deeply with her tongue, mouth pressed hard against my opening, then withdrawing to rim the edges, then slowly sliding her tongue up my slit to circle my clit -- not touching -- before descending again to penetrate me with her long tongue. I found myself panting. She teased and teased me that way until my hands reached down to grip her short hair and I pushed my hips up while pushing her head down, aching for contact.

She gave in, fastened her open mouth over the top of my slit and began lightly flicking my clit with her tongue-tip. I felt her penetrate me with two fingers, then pull out and spear me again and again. Her fingers raked the walls of my vagina. I groaned. Her tongue was soft, slick, relentless and my back was arched and my hips thrusting up, down, up, down, and then I came, screaming for once a full-throated cum-scream because for once there was nobody in the dorm to hear.

"WaaAAAAAAAeeeeEEEEeeeeAAAAAAAAUUUGH!" I wailed, keening a strange, powerful mixture of ecstasy and sadness. I drew a huge breath and screamed again, even louder, screaming to be heard in St. Louis.

"Aaaaaaauuuuggghhh! Aaaugh! AAAUUGGHHH! DANNIE! DANNIE! DANNIE! OH DANNIE FUCK ME, FUCK ME, FUCK ME DANNIE!!! PLEASE FUCK ME DANNIE!!!

And with my nipples hard as rocks and my pussy gushing into another woman's mouth, I screamed my lover's name again and again and again until I was hoarse and exhausted. I was half-asleep again, spent, before Buffy even lifted her face from my crotch.

I regained consciousness not long afterward to find Buffy standing beside the bed, strapping on her dildo.

"I can't take that thing," I said listlessly. She chuckled.

"You're as hot and wet as the Amazon," Buffy said, "you'll take it just fine."

She climbed on top of me and lifted my legs.

"Here, it'll be easier if you pull your knees up to your chest."

Apathetically I did as I was told. I felt her fingers exploring, looking for my opening, then the bulbous head of her dildo was there, pressing firmly. It was impossibly big, like someone trying to push an apple into my crotch. I knew it wouldn't work.

"Relax," Buffy said, "breathe. Let it in."

I realized I was holding my breath, so I consciously started breathing again.

"The hard part is over," she soothed, a big hand planted between my breasts. "Stay relaxed and you'll get the best fucking of your life!"

I opened my mouth to explain that I was technically a virgin who had never taken anything larger than a few fingers. But I lost the power of speech when I felt that monster head sliding deeper, inexorably and slowly deeper. Thank God I was dripping wet from being eaten. Then I felt the head of the dildo press hard against my cervix and Buffy's hips were flat against my crotch.

I couldn't speak. It hurt. It hurt a lot. But the pain gradually faded as Buffy stayed motionless for a long time, the giant dick inside me, connecting us. I was panting, quick, shallow breaths and beads of sweat covered my face and chest. Buffy was sweating, too, her face glistening in the dim light from the window.

"Beautiful," she said, smiling down at me. "You were MADE to fuck!"

I said nothing. I couldn't. I was completely overwhelmed by a sense of being opened, entered and filled. All my senses were focused on the unnaturally big, hard THING that had invaded and taken over my body.

Buffy hung over me for a long time as my pussy grew accustomed to the dildo -- as much as it could. Then without warning she was pulling it out -- slowly, slowly, slowly. It hurt again. It hurt a lot as my overstretched and abused sheath closed slowly behind the withdrawing head of the monster. She stopped. Then she was pushing back into me. I pulled my legs back to my chest and remembered to breathe. It hurt. But then she was buried in me again, motionless, and the incredibly full sensation replaced the pain.

Again. Again. Again. She slowly withdrew and slowly reentered me. The minutes ticked by. Sweat ran and dripped from Buffy's powerful body, mingled with the sweat on my body and dripped down my flanks to soak the sheets beneath. Juices oozed from my pussy down my asscrack to make a wet spot under my butt. Gradually she moved faster, in and out.

"Why do you LIKE this!" I demanded hoarsely. She grinned down in the semi-darkness.

"Why do YOU?" she challenged.

And I knew she was right. At first she had given me pain with a little pleasure. Now she plunged into me and I felt pleasure with a little pain.

"If that's what you want, let's get it ON!" I growled angrily, tugging hard on her nipples and shoving my hips up at her. She cried out and doubled the speed of her thrusts. Soon the flat pad that held the base of the dildo was slapping wetly against my widespread crotch, covered with both our juices. Buffy went faster and faster, breathing heavily, beginning to curse and say horrible things.

"Take it you little slut! Take my fat dick in your cunt! You know you want to be fucked and fucked hard! Sweet little slut! You won't be able to walk when I'm through with you! I can feel that cunt of yours sucking my dick!"

Dannie and I enjoyed whispering dirty things, but that was nothing like the string of obscenities pouring from Buffy's mouth. She said she wanted to make me bleed, wanted to tongue-fuck my ass, wanted to pour her pussy juice down my throat, wanted her fist in my cunt and a dozen other foul, forbidden wants. Hearing her made me go WILD! I shouted obscenities back at her, bucked violently, pinched her nipples until she screamed and raked her ass with my nails.

She came. Oh, how she came! I was awed by the uncontrolled fury of the climax unleashed within the big, powerful body that had so completely ruled me a minute before. Buffy convulsed and shuddered as wave after wave of bliss swept over her. She rocked her hips rapidly against mine, threw her head back and howled a deep cry of triumph and pleasure. Tears ran freely down her cheeks from her tightly closed eyes, and her mouth was stretched into a huge 'O.'

She collapsed, her weight crushing me. I don't suppose she weighed over 160, but it felt like a ton compared with my lanky 135 pounds. She lay on me for a long time, panting while I crooned softly and stroked her hair. My fingernails had left long, red scratches across her back and buttocks.

In the end she levered herself up far enough to unbuckle the dildo's harness then tumbled onto her back beside me. She was muttering "Ohmygod,ohmygod," repeated over and over. I reached between my legs and gingerly worked the dildo out, wondering if my pussy would ever return to the size where inserting a tampon was a struggle.

Then I discovered the secret of Buffy's dildo. The pad that held the dildo against Buffy's crotch was two-sided. The long, thick shaft that had been inside me protruded from one side, but the other side had two smaller dildoes. One was short, but as thick as my wrist and clearly designed to stimulate her opening. The other dildo was little more than a springy bump, placed to rub her clit. No wonder she loved using the fake phallus. Every time she plunged the long shaft into me she was stretching her own pussy and rubbing her joy button.