Crystal Clear Ch. 31

She went on, "Your little orgy in Oklahoma is NOT a mitigating factor in what Crystal did, and don't make it one. She got into drugs and fucked lots of guys outside our circle without any of us knowing. We had a tacit agreement not to venture outside those bounds without the permission of the others in some way, and when we did the person we were with had to be acceptable to the rest of the group whether they were there or not."

I ventured, "But with Crystal, the booze and drugs that removed all her inhibitions. She admitted she didn't know the names of most of the people she fucked that Friday night in that honky-tonk bar. Well, isn't that the same – except for the booze and the drugs?"

Ellen shook her head, "You're making up excuses to let her off the hook. She did drugs. She got drunk. She had unprotected indiscriminate sex with a dozen different guys she didn't know – and she'd done it all before that night she got arrested. In my book, and it should be your book too, she was a three-time loser."

We'd each gotten tested after Crystal left, but fortunately we came up sexually clean. Claire guessed that Friday night might have been the first time Crystal took on the 'whole bar' – something she'd seen some of her friends in the porn industry do when Claire had been in that line of work. Claire assured us she'd never indulged that way. That said, Crystal had admitted to the women after I'd left on her last day to prior group sex sessions with people we didn't know and whom she didn't know well.

I struggled in my debate with Ellen, "But if I don't give Crystal a little slack, I'll never be able to forgive Crystal, and I want to try to go back to the way things were – maybe, if she'll let us go back. If she even comes back to us."

I thought for a minute. "Look, I know your sister had a couple of lovers before I arrived on the scene, but since then, up until this shit storm, I'd known about every one of her lovers. Heck, I'd even encouraged her to take on some of them even when I didn't know them, for instance, George Rinard when she did her movie in Europe."

Ellen shook her head again, "Didn't Crystal tell you that YOU made her feel like no one else in the world – emotionally and physically? She told us all that we turned her on and made her feel more loved than anyone in the world. If that's the case, then why did she go and fuck around on you? On all of us?"

"But, am I not being a hypocrite if I get mad at her for those months she did this, but I gave her these permissions at other times. I even orchestrated some of them because I thought they'd be 'fun' just the way she talked about it. I knew it would turn her on and excite her; that those sessions would make her happy."

Ellen came and sat in my lap, planting a kiss on my forehead. She said, "Nope, dramatically different. She shattered all the expectations we had about her, and what her relationships with us were supposed to be like. She knew how we thought about her, and knew what we expected of her. She broke faith with us."

I had to admit a good part of life is all about managing the expectations of the people around you. When I went off with Claire to take the Galapagos vacation with the Mansards, Crystal expected there would be some indiscriminate screwing on the trip; she'd even mentioned 'deck hands' as she pushed me out the door with a smile and lecherous laugh. Luba and Renata appeared almost as if ordered up by Crystal, and they would have fit well with the circle if all of us had been there. I wasn't so sure that some horny dudes out for a quick piece of tail in the backroom at a county line bar would fit the circle; that had been Crystal's choice alone, and she DID know that we wouldn't have approved. Crystal hadn't managed the expectations of any of us – not about her drugs or drinking or fucking strangers. She knew we would have chastised her and asked her to stop; hell, before the 'DUI night,' I'd already had asked her several times to stop the drugs – to go back to our 'No Drugs' life style. We were all let down by her performance.

I nodded in agreement with Ellen, "You're right. Each of our relationships is based on a set of expectations. What's right in one situation and time, isn't right even a day later even in duplicate circumstance. Expectations are fragile and easily broken. With our polyamorous group, we've been so careful about sharing and getting opinions from each other before we lock in some new behavior or change a relationship in some way. I think of how we've all supported Claire in her relationship with the Mansards."

Ellen said with some sense of finality to our brief talk, "I think I know why Crystal left that morning."

"Tell me."

"Crystal had to face reality that morning, particularly when Claire and I raged at her and you stood there with a look of supreme disappointment and disillusionment on your face that I hope I never see directed at me. Crystal had expectations about HERSELF, and suddenly she realized she'd failed not only you, me, Claire, and the others, but also herself. She'd failed to meet her own expectations, and that might have been the worst of any situation for her."

Ellen went on, "Suddenly, Crystal realized she'd become a person dependent on recreational drugs like ecstasy and cocaine, and for all her life she'd been adamant that she'd never touch the stuff. She never wanted to drink to the point she'd lose control, and she'd apparently started binging – at least that one night. She'd always pledged her love in terms of mind, body, and spirit to the people she adored, and going out for raw fucking didn't come close to that image of herself. The word 'Fun' for her had become shorthand for violating what she'd held as core values."

"So she ran?"

Ellen shook her head, "Yeah, she tried to run away from herself."

I ventured, "But, you can't run away from yourself."

Ellen replied, "She had to get outside help to get her back on track; that's why the rehab facility. I don't know what they're like, but they have doctors, psychiatrists, and other people who work with you – who help you get back to where you want to be."

"Do you think Crystal will come back and be the way she was before all this started?"

"I doubt it. She's been through hell – a hell of her own making, and she knows it."

Ellen thought a minute and added, "She'll come back with scars and damage that'll take a long time to get over. If she comes back, she'll be carrying a lot of guilt about what she did to you – to all of us. She may not be able to handle that guilt and be in our presence. I just don't know."

Tears came to my eyes. "Ellen, I don't want her to feel guilty with us. I just want her to come back a whole person, even if we never get together again, I just want her well. I hope she comes back, even if just to allow us to talk to her – to tell her we love her."

Ellen gave me a big hug and a kiss. "Jim, whatever you decide will be the 'right' answer in this mess. There are no expectations about how this will end for any of us. Crystal's left that all up in the air by not talking to us. Sure, we'd all like to put Humpty-Dumpty back together again, but we can't. The world has turned many times since the damage, and we've all had to think about it, digest it, cope with it, and try to come to some resolution about it. But there's no right answer here. If you don't want her back, that's OK. If you want her back, even with a lot of conditions, that's OK too. We will still love you, and we'll still love her."

I just whispered back, "Thanks." I think I stared off into space for another five minutes after Ellen left the room.

When I came out of my reverie, I stared at the photograph and letter from London. Margo and Caroline had decided to stick together creating a civil partnership under U.K. law that gave the two the same rights as a legal marriage. They lived together. Margo wrote that they would marry officially as soon as the laws permitted, stating that they might go to Holland or France if they ever felt the need for the next step sooner than UK law makers allowed. Caroline had finished her degree and taken a job doing detective work with Margo. The photograph of the pair showed two happy, good looking, and scantily clad women sitting in Margo's bed surrounded by an array of sex toys that could keep them busy for a solid month. They both inquired when I would be stopping by and put lots of little hearts, X's, and O's after their signatures. Margo had written on the back of the photo, "Don't forget about us. Cum by. Bring your friends of either sex too – we're broad minded." There were imprints from two sets of lips. I stuck the photo on the wall behind my desk with a few others.

In late August, we got a card from Jed and Sally in Iowa announcing their nuptials, along with a photograph of the pair with Janice, Lea, and Samantha in bridesmaid dresses. Jed penned that while Sam would be leaving at the end of the academic year, Lea and Janice had decided to stay on with Sally and him 'forever.' They'd gotten jobs at the university. This validated some of the emotions I'd seen between Jed and the women when they visited with us in Switzerland when we were finishing the movieDownslope and during the following week they stayed with us in Nashville.

In the accompanying letter, Jed said his new extended family had decided to get out of the 'finishing school' business. He reminded me that he had about thirty alumni from his private enterprise, and told me that each of them often visited just to 'stay in touch.' I could only guess at what 'visiting to stay in touch' probably meant. I gave one of my rare smiles to Jed and his own entourage of women. In a way, we were birds of a feather as the core of a polyamorous group.

Lea, Sally, and Janice had slipped a second note into the envelope urging me to return to Iowa, even if just for a weekend visit. They also put the welcome mat out for any of our extended family to come by as well.

My sister-in-law – Karen's sister – Lauren flew down to Nashville from Burlington, Vermont several times over the summer and early autumn for long weekends. A look-alike for my late wife – her sister Karen, I marveled at how I'd healed from the devastating grief I'd felt when her sister had suddenly died at only age thirty-two. Through Lauren, I felt a connection back to the joyful decade that I'd had with Karen, and to the pleasant times past I'd now shared with Lauren. We had a comfortable and intimate relationship that I doubted would ever end.

When we were together face-to-face for the first time after Crystal left, Lauren held me tightly and whispered a quote from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. to me: "He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power of love." Those words set the stage for what would eventually happen, although I often had doubts about whether Crystal would come back.

Lauren had some blunt talks with Ellen, Claire, and me about Crystal. Unlike some of the others that merely commiserated with us about the situation or joined us in a good cry occasionally, Lauren opened up our thinking about what we would ever do if and when Crystal came back, how we would feel, whether we would welcome her with open arms or remain distant, how she'd upset the balance with the others that remained in our circle of friends, and so forth. We talked about any conditions we would put on her about her return: the most obvious being, no drugs and no indiscriminate screwing around.

Lauren was inclusive, and our deep discussions opened up to include any of the others beyond Ellen, Claire, and me when they were around. Lauren loved us all, yet had sufficient distance and clarity about our situation that she remained objective about it. As wound opening as some of the discussions were, we ended up feeling better about the options and what would happen after the thoughtful sessions she led us through.

It wasn't that Lauren forced answers on each of us. Instead, she forced the questions on us, making us write them down and getting us to think about each of them to some kind of personal conclusion or decision. We'd talk about the various options and answers for each one. She'd allow us to home in on an answer that each of us felt comfortable with, instead of force her own opinion or will on any of us. Lauren's love showed through in every interaction we had. After she'd gone home to Vermont, we had continued our dialog with frequent telephone calls and emails.

Lauren made each of us feel that for the first time since Crystal left there might be a future beyond tomorrow. Despite Lauren's deep and soul searching questions and conversations, Crystal remained totally out of touch with everyone except her mother, and even Kim didn't hear from her that much. Although I sometimes wanted to in the worst way, I didn't reach out to Crystal nor did Ellen or the others. Crystal didn't reach out to us. We each healed slowly in our own way.

Six months to the day Crystal had left my cell phone rang one Saturday afternoon with the unique ring tone for only one person in my life; it was the theme song from the movie and hit record we'd recorded,The Naked Truth.

I looked at the caller ID and froze when I saw 'CRYSTAL' in capital letters across the caller ID screen of my iPhone. Lauren had helped me prepare for this moment. Ellen was on my side regardless of what would be said in this call.

I answered tentatively in a neutral tone, "Hello."

I heard someone – Crystal – at the other end of the call take a deep breath.

In a voice that was measured and took time on every word, I heard, "Jim. This is Crystal. Please don't say anything for a minute; just let me talk ... and please don't hang up until I'm through. I just need you to hear me out for a minute."

My heart had leapt into my throat; my soul soared upon hearing her voice. I briefly thought, if Crystal is reaching out to me, there might be hope for us. But then, my dark angel clouded my thoughts, and I wondered if this call was 'goodbye forever.'

Ellen came to the doorway to the living room; she'd heard the distinctive ring tone and knew right away who had called. She watched my face for signs of what was being said.

I heard a little catch in Crystal's voice, and even a choked off sob. Crystal stuttered, "I have been at a rehab center outside Tucson since I left Nashville. I've had six months of the whole 'tough love' treatment, complete with my seeing a psychiatrist daily and a physical trainer five days a week, and many others that helped me from ... from the dark place I'd gotten to before I left."

There was another catch in her voice. She haltingly asked, "Are you there? Are you listening?"

I choked out, "Yes, I am. Very. Much. Here."

"Jim, I think I'm a much different person than the one than left. For one, I'm drug free; and I can promise I'll never go down that avenue again. For another, I may never take another drink of alcohol as long as I live; I've been in an 'AA' program here since I arrived. I may even be back to 'normal,' whatever that is. I haven't had any sex since I left either – none at all. In case you're wondering, I did contract a STD – Chlamydia – on my ... my bad night, but that's been medically addressed with antibiotics and is long gone; I just got checked again last week. I also settled the DUI by being in rehab and AA, losing my license, and paying a stiff fine; I've still got community service to do when I get back to Tennessee, but the court agreed to be forgiving about when I do that since I was in rehab ."

I heard Crystal take another deep breath, and she tried to laugh as though to lighten the mood of the call; "My shrink thinks that I should go home for the Thanksgiving holiday ... if you'll have me. She wants me to interact with each of you, and to see whether I can even think about rebuilding that part of my life ... the part with each you, and whether you might accept me back on some kind of basis."

I heard a puffing sound like someone catching their breath. Crystal went on, "I have no real agenda ... for a visit ... other than to interact with each of you – it may help me heal, and I could explain more about that ... if you're interested. My psychiatrist thinks it might help us all heal; I know from my Mom that I hurt all of you badly. I can't say I'm sorry enough, but I am." I heard a choked sob get stifled. "She thinks we could all make a more intelligent decision about me returning there after a short visit. If this was to work, I could maybe ... if you want me ... come back ... for a visit at Christmas."

I heard another loud sigh, a choke, and a sob on the end of the wireless call. Crystal was barely holding it together. I wasn't doing much better. Tears were running down my cheeks and dripping on my shirt. Ellen came and hugged me. I held the phone so Ellen could hear Crystal's words about visiting. Tears had started to run down her cheeks as well.

Crystal awkwardly continued in a weak voice, "If you don't want me ... don't ever want to see me again, I understand completely. I won't bore you now with more 'I'm sorry' statements, other than to say that's what I feel in the deepest part of my heart. I can only hope for your forgiveness and tolerance, if not now, then maybe sometime in the future after the wounds I left you heal. We could talk about that too if you want."

Crystal took another deep breath and choked out another couple of sentences. I think because I hadn't said anything, she took heart that she might be welcome back in her home; "Thank you for listening. What I hope is ... well, maybe ... I'd arrive there the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and leave that Sunday – five nights, if you will, but I can stay elsewhere and just come by a time or two to visit. If I can stay there, I'd gladly take a guest room and stay out of the way; however, you want me to be. I expect nothing other than to occasionally talk and interact with you. I ... I ... I..."

I interrupted Crystal before she could form her next thought or choke up again. I swallowed hard to recapture the voice I'd lost when I first heard the sound of her voice; "Crystal, come home. We want you back – all of us. Come home! Come home now. Come home when you're ready – but soon."

Ellen started crying loudly right next to me, about the same time I broke into a choked off sob. I knew Crystal could hear my sudden sob and no doubt her sister's. From the other end of the cellular call, I heard Crystal break into uncontrollable wailing. I laughed through my tears at how pathetic we three sounded. Crystal kept saying, "Oh, God. Oh, God."

Ellen took the phone from me to speak with her sister. Through her own choked keening, she said, "This is Ellen. Jim can't talk right now, he's so glad to hear from you. We want you back. Come home, Sis. We love you. We want you back. Please. Please, come home."

The crying on the other end of the call intensified for a couple of minutes, not that we weren't matching her sob for sob on our end as well.

Finally, Crystal gathered her wits enough to say, "I love all of you so much. You can't know how much my heart has ached for all of you ... about what I did. I have hurt so badly I could barely live. I'll never forgive myself for what happened ... Oh, God."

After a few more gasps, Crystal squeaked out, "I'll email you my travel arrangements, but please just let me come home and don't meet me at the airport ... or else I'll never get home in one piece without crying a million tears. I don't want to make a scene at the airport." With that she broke up again.

After another couple of minutes of crying without any other communication, I gasped out, "You go and be safe now, Crystal. We love you. I'll look for your email about your arrival. If you need to talk again, please call us back – maybe we won't cry so much on each end of the call the next time. We love you. We really love you. Goodbye for now. See you soon."