Cuckolding: My AnalysisbyVulcan_in_Ohio©
Note: This is my first submission and for now, I will not shut off comments, as I'm interested in other people's ideas as well as suggestions for improvement in my writing. I felt a need to provide an extended comment rather than saying the same thing over and over again in the comment section after various stories. Maybe this is just a male point of view from an individual who would never want to try any sort of cuckolding lifestyle – it certainly seems a destructive activity with regard to one's marriage. My thoughts follow below.
I am neither a psychiatrist nor any other type of mental health professional. I'm not exactly a moralist, either. But I am formally educated, I have an interest in human sexuality, and I am reasonably well read on the subject. I have seen all sorts of analyses in this section and related ones in Literotica. There are essays about oral sex that describe techniques as well as provide explanations as-to why it is such a turn-on. One can find similar discussions about anal sex, group sex, and just about every category on the Literotica Website.
But I've not seen any recent commentary about cuckolding (other than write-in comments after stories in the "Loving Wives" and perhaps "Interracial" segments of Literotica). There was one essay written in 2002 (Commentary on the Cuckold Husband, by Diane Marie), but it did not seem to address the "why" of cuckolding and I would like to do that. I feel it is time to dissect this subject in more depth, to express myself in ways besides the comment sections and Literotica Forums.
Not all stories in "Loving Wives" are about cuckolding, but these seem to comprise a significant percentage, and they upset a fair portion of the readership. There are also some who are fans of this fantasy and I have wondered why this might be. The following represents my own opinion as regards cuckolding fantasies and/or behavior and I am curious to see whether others agree or not with my conclusions. It's possible that those who pursue this lifestyle will be angry and hateful with respect to my opinions. So be it, but it's what I believe and we all are entitled, so long as we don't hurt one another.
Why does a cuckold story represent a fantasy for certain readers of Literotica? I suspect the reason is unknown to some readers but I can think of at least a few explanations as-to why this fantasy has erotic appeal for some (I'm including the authors of some of the cuckold stories in this group of "turned-on" individuals). Some of the same turn-on "triggers" probably apply to other categories of stories such as BDSM, Fetish, and Non-consent as there seems to be some overlap of various elements across these categories. What are these explanations?
Of course, the readership generally knows what "cuckold" means. According to "Wikipedia," the term is derived from the old French word for the cuckoo, "cocu," with the denigrating suffix "ald" added. The cuckoo is a bird that lays its eggs in the nest of a different species so it is freed from the need to rear the offspring – the nest's owners do that instead. In modern usage, the term refers to a man who, like the birds unknowingly incubating the cuckoo's eggs, is unaware of his victimization. If a man voluntarily permits this activity on the part of his wife, he is known as a "witting cuckold;" otherwise, he is an "unwitting cuckold" or simply, "cuckold."
Historically, a man who was a cuckold was one who was shamed. The implication was that he was not able to control his wife (until modern times, his wife was regarded as his property), or he could not satisfy his wife, but in any event, he was inadequate as a man and thus, shamed by his wife's behavior. If his wife were to give birth to a child recognizably not his own (i.e., an Asian or Black child born to a White couple), then certainly everyone in the community would know that the husband was cuckolded.
Why is the cuckold theme a turn-on for some males? First and foremost, I believe some men get sexually excited as a result of humiliation. This may be just a fantasy and not necessarily something a person really wants to experience. There is no doubt that watching one's wife having sex with another, perhaps receiving more pleasure, more orgasms, or whatever, can be quite humiliating to the husband. There is frustration there as well. It's analogous to watching someone savor an ice cream cone with your favorite flavor; it's something you would really like to have just then but you can't.
It is also frustrating as hell to see your lover get off and yet no one is getting you off sexually (unless you are able to use your own hand to do so). The husband observing this might think his wife prefers the lover to him. Possibly she is doing certain acts with the lover she has denied her husband. There frequently is a fem-dom theme to the situation. The husband is not permitted to experience variety with other women, so he is inherently not equal to his wife, who gets to be with however many other men she wishes.
She might order her hubby to "clean her up" by orally consuming the other man's semen, wherever it may have been placed – a humiliating idea for any man who is not gay. This puts the evidence right in front of his nose, so-to-speak. If the man is a closet homosexual, but he won't admit it to himself, then he can still drink another man's semen while rationalizing that he has not had sex with another man.
Interestingly, strict rules apply to the husband but the wife is free to break the rules (rules of fidelity in a marriage, that is). She might want him in a chastity device, or tied to a chair. This further reinforces his helplessness, his inability to satisfy her, his frustration, his bondage, and his humiliation. He is sub and she is dom and that's that.
Secondly, if humiliation is not the overriding turn-on for the husband, then possibly it is the thought (I believe delusion) that he is giving his wife a gift, something pleasurable, and he is sacrificing himself to do so. Love is, among other things, about self-sacrifice. His wife's pleasure is more important than his own. Perhaps hubby has feelings of inadequacy – we often see the focus in Loving Wives Stories regarding the husband's small, inadequate penis and the larger, much more satisfying penis possessed by the lover.
The husband observes that his wife is not that interested in sex with him, certainly not very interested compared to when they first married. Perhaps his wife just has a low sex drive. Her libido may be low because the kids wear her out, her job tires her by the end of the day, and hubby just sits and watches a football game rather than helping around the house. Or it's low because her husband takes her for granted, fails to romance her, bring her flowers, make her feel special, so she loses self-esteem and also loses interest in love-making.
There can be many reasons but he might simply think it's his fault due to poor performance in the bedroom. Performance anxiety sometimes leads to premature ejaculation, impotence, and other feelings of inadequacy that reinforce the performance pressure and fear of failure. Wanting to be certain that his wife is sexually satisfied, he shows his love by sacrificing his own rights and needs for her. At least she might still stay with him since he is a good provider and he allows her to pursue her own sexual needs.
Sometimes one gets turned on when one's partner is turned on; the performance pressure is gone (i.e., the extra-marital lover is seeing to his wife's sexual needs), and this behavior of the husband is reinforced by the pleasure gained by a climax (masturbation-induced though it may be) which is achieved while the wife is experiencing intense enjoyment – again, one can rationalize this as an arrangement where the two of them are experiencing sexual pleasure together but with the assistance of a surrogate (just a human dildo or other sex toy) since the husband can't provide that pleasure to his wife (at least, that's what he thinks).
A third explanation for one's fascination with cuckolding is the forbidden nature of the act. Any type of group sex involving marital partners with others, though consensual, is a breach of traditional marital vows. In the case of cuckolding her husband, a woman is being slutty, enjoying sex with one or more partners (as one might imagine a whore would do), really letting go of herself and her inhibitions. She has this amazing secret (assuming she does not tell others).
Possibly she feels extra sexy and confident because she knows more than one man wants her. She might even enjoy the idea that she is creating jealousy in her husband, thus insuring extra vigorous loving on his part in order to "reclaim" her or not lose her to another. The man's turn on might be the threat, the danger of it all. Like bungee jumping, he is rolling the dice and betting his wife will still love him despite her getting the extra-marital sex.
Women can orgasm more times per hour than men; their refractory periods are shorter than for men. The fascination (in Literotica stories) with the "hot wife" getting pregnant with another man's sperm pushes the boundary even further as a forbidden act that is outside the accepted norm of society.
A fourth reason for a man enjoying the idea of cuckolding may be that he is a voyeur, and he gets excited at his partner's exhibitionism. Many men enjoy visual stimuli; just look at how many males become aroused while watching x-rated movies. The idea perhaps becomes a fantasy where the observer imagines he is the man performing various sexual feats of wonder (satisfying the insatiable female who can simply consume any ordinary man).
He might think he is the sex stud who provides amazing pleasure for one or more women; he is an expert, he is superbly-endowed, he is more animal . . . You get the picture. It's obvious that many men are voyeurs to some degree. Quite a lot of men openly express a desire to see their women masturbate. There is curiosity, of course, as-to what technique gets women off the best.
Men certainly know that pleasing their partners will result in a greater likelihood of frequent sex in the future, while failing to satisfy their partners becomes a turn-off (especially if it happens repeatedly). It's no wonder that men would like to know the best methods for pleasuring their women. Some men reportedly masturbate while watching their ladies masturbate.
So this type of voyeurism becomes understandable in such context. What is different, of course, is the idea that the wife would have sex with a different man while the husband observes the event. If hubby is not jealous, i.e., he is not worried that his wife will fall in love with the other man, he thinks this is indeed just sex and it does not threaten his wife's love for him or their relationship, then perhaps he can experience voyeuristic pleasure just as if he were watching his wife masturbate in front of him.
There are undoubtedly other reasons why some men are drawn to the idea of being cuckolded. For instance, there may be some men who are not submissive but who embrace cuckolding in order to create an excuse to eventually experience other women; by giving permission for one's wife to have sex with other men, or by talking one's wife into it, whether as an MFM threesome or as a private liaison such that the husband will hear about it at another time, the husband can subsequently ask for an FMF threesome, or possibly a permission slip to date other women.
Another possibility is that the fantasy of being cuckolded serves for some men as a reminder that their wives have their own sexuality and it turns the men on to think so. Just as many men like to masturbate on their own (even when having fairly regular relations with their wives), so, too, they imagine their wives needing some alone-time for sexual stimulation without their hubbies. The concept that it would be with other men, not sex toys, just makes it more real.
Some men like having a fancy Porsche, or a Rolex watch, and some enjoy having trophy women, or women other men lust after and desire. They think it gives them some sort of power such that others envy what they have and want it for themselves. The "hot-wife" scene may reinforce such feelings of superiority compared to what other men may have (i.e., wives other men don't bother to pursue because they are plain-looking and not sexy or desirable).
I have omitted those individuals who want to be the alpha male, the dominant who is helping the hot-wife to cuckold her husband. There was at least one story written about such a man – he was usually such a nice person, it was his way of letting off all of his bottled-up frustrations about being too nice. I would not be surprised if some readers see themselves in this dominant role and it turns them on to imagine this type of scene.
One final musing – why would a woman wish to cuckold her husband? I suppose to be equitable, I should speculate on the wife's motivations in regard to this venue. Possibly a woman sees it as the best of all possible worlds. She has a secure marriage and the outside world sees only that. But she gets to have sex with a variety of men, a free pass if you will, with minimal risk provided she practices some safe sex.
Hubby will not see other women, no threat there. He just has to accept what she does. Better yet, it's all out in the open – no need to sneak around, no worry about getting caught, and certainly no fear he'll divorce her – after all, he gave permission (maybe he even thinks it's his own idea). Women have been sexually repressed in Western Society for a long time – now they can let their hair down without conforming to some prim and proper Victorian behavioral pattern of modesty.
The birth control pill provided some freedom for women; they could have sex and not be worried about unwanted pregnancy. But there was always the caution, the fear of being dumped. What if the guys just loved 'em and left 'em? Well this time, hubby will still be there, so it's OK if lover-boy takes off after he completes the flagrante dilecto with her.
There are probably a few women whose warped idea of a loving relationship means dominating their husbands, and what better way than to humiliate, demean, and really put their men in their places? If men like to be voyeurs, perhaps some women like to be exhibitionists. They like the tease and frustration induced in their husbands. They like the look indicating, "He desires me a lot more now; he no longer takes me for granted." "He took my cherry when I was young and naïve, now I'll get even; I'll make him horny but he can't have my pussy as it's reserved for my bull, my real man and lover."
Maybe this is subconscious in some instances, but to me there cannot be equality in a relationship when one partner gets to swing yet the other must remain faithful. This is a power exchange equal to many such in the BDSM lifestyle. And you know what they say, "Absolute power corrupts absolutely." Once the power is granted, it can be as difficult to take back as it is for the electorate to get a tax surplus back from the government.
Another angle might relate to actual sexual inadequacy on the part of the husband(s). Maybe the male partners are not able to sexually satisfy any longer, perhaps it's the "ED" thing and Viagra is not enough, or there's some heart disease at work, so the wives need surrogates to be sexually fulfilled.
"Hey, just because you can't have sex does not mean I should give it up for the rest of my life, correct?" "You eat pussy really well, but sometimes it's just not enough and a girl wants to feel a nice, warm, hard cock in her, know what I mean?" There was a story by RPSuch ("Clark Kent or Superman") that touched on something akin to this. The wife was totally selfish and she felt it was her right to fuck any guy who was available; her sex drive was much stronger than that of her spouse, so she felt his lack was denying her that which was her due.
Of course, some women play the guilt card. "You want me to be happy, don't you? If you love me, you would not deny me my pleasures." And of course, there are some women who reluctantly cuckold their husbands because their husbands say that's what they want. So they are only trying to make their husbands happy. "It's hubby's fault I'm fucking other men," (that's right, let's blame the victim). They're certainly not forcing their husbands to be in cuckold relationships, but is it a crime to enjoy this when their men insist on trying weird, kinky, unconventional sex practices? We'll show them . . .
I'm sure there will be some comments about these musings and perhaps others will have different ideas regarding the explanation(s) for cuckolding fantasies among a subset of males. I'll wager there will also be some heated comments from ladies about the subject as well; it is difficult for me to imagine that any woman would risk her security, her marriage, by engaging in a lifestyle of cuckolding her husband, never mind if he says that's what he wants.
I personally would never accept this in my own lifestyle, but I can see that some people find this exciting, and they like the variety that cuckolding entails. I believe such behavior, if acted out in reality, will hurt rather than strengthen the majority of marriages, but to each their own so long as all involved are truly consenting adults.