Cupid's Big Weekend

He listens again, nodding.

"But I have a new friend who cleared it all up for me. Helped me see what you really meant."

Luckily he doesn't look over to see my furious blushing.

"His name's Josh. I just met him today. Or, actually, yesterday, at the gym."

He looks over, and grins. My cheeks are on fire. Seriously, I think my eyelashes are getting singed.

"Is he what? Cute? Uh, I guess so. Yeah, I'd have to say he is."

His playful eyes twinkle like every star in the sky. I wait for my heart to beat again. It may be a while.

"Look, Reese, I just wanted to tell you that I was a complete shithead that night, and now I know what you were trying to tell me. And I'm okay with it. I mean... I ... uhh..."

He looks at me as if he's forgotten his line and I'm the prompter.

"Tell him that you are secure in your sexuality and you're fine with him being gay," I offer in a stage whisper. That's what I would want to hear if I were Reese. Of course, if I were Reese I would do everything I could to undermine the "security" of Calvin's sexuality.

"What I'm trying to say is," he looks at me, right at me, his eyes drilling into mine, and then he turns and walks over to the window. "What I'm trying to say is that I miss you every single day. What I'm trying to say is I miss you so much it hurts." He breathes, twice, quickly, as if he's trying not to throw up. "What I'm trying to say is that I love you. Not in the youth group way, but really love you. I love you." He sounds surprised, and then more certain. "I love you."

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. It's all I can think to myself. The shock of what he has just said into the phone takes my breath away (and a year off my life, I think). I am stunned. And proud. And happy (for Calvin, for Reese) and sad (for me). This is all too too much.

He is silent. He is listening. Then, all at once, he sinks slowly to the floor, and he comes to rest kneeling in the middle of the room. He turns to face me, and his face is one of stunned hurt.

"But," is all he can muster. He shakes his head slowly.

"Reese, I know I was stupid ... but I'm past that now ... listen to me," he begs. This is suddenly not going well.

"No! You can't do that! Reese, why? I..." he looks completely lost, adrift. I can't even imagine what's going on. His expression twists from one of loss to one of anger. Something else has happened now.

"Well, fuck you too, buddy. Yeah, you try that. See how that works out for you. I'll fucking kill you. I will!" He angrily mashes the End button on his phone, then looks down at it as if it had betrayed him. He is still for a moment, then he throws the phone against the wall. Hard. It shatters.

I just about jump out of my skin. The violence scares the hell out of me.

He remains kneeling in the middle of the room, looking down at his now empty hands. I see his breathing slowly return to normal. I wait.

"Can we take a walk?" he says, dully. "I don't want to be here right now."

"Yeah, of course, whatever," I reply, getting up. He rises, graceful even in his emotional shambles. We stand there. I have to say something.

"Calvin, this is all my fault. I am so sorry. I really thought that calling him would help--would help you both."

He looks at me, hard.

"No," he says, finally. "It was the right thing to do. I just don't know what to do now."

He walks to the door, holds it open for me. We're going for a walk.

CHAPTER NINE

We walk across the quad, heading I don't know where. Calvin's not said a word since we left his room, but he seems to know where he's heading. I hear the clock chime a half hour, but what it's half past I have no idea. Then I remember I'm wearing a watch. It's 2:30. My class is starting. As is Calvin's. I don't mention this to him.

We seem to be heading to the edge of campus, by the lake. I've been on this trail before, but only to run on it; I haven't ever bothered to look at the scenery. It's beautiful, with trees arching over the path and the waves gently lapping the shore. Suddenly, Calvin heads off the trail, through the undergrowth and out of sight. I follow.

When I catch up to him, he's standing on a secluded point overlooking the lake. There's a bench here, one that seems not to get much use. No wonder--there doesn't seem to be a path that leads here. Calvin sits on the bench and stares out at the lake. I sit next to him, and take in the view as well. I wait for him to speak.

I wait for five long minutes, maybe more. Finally, he starts to speak, mostly to the lake.

"You ever have one of those days when everything changes? All at once? Like, when you look back at the person you were in the morning you hardly recognize him? You ever have a day like that?"

I'm kind of having one right now, but I'm not sure that's what he wants to hear. I just nod.

"This morning I knew who I was, what I wanted. Now, everything is different. Nothing is what I thought it was, including me. And Reese. Reese." He snorts, shakes his head. "He's not what I thought he was, and now he's not what I thought he was after that either. Nothing is what I thought it was."

I'm not sure I'm following this. but I keep nodding.

"And you. I just met you and now you've seen the most thrashed day of my life. I feel closer to you than I am to most of the people I've known for years. How does that happen? How did any of this happen?"

"Calvin, sometimes shit happens. It just does. And, if it helps at all, I feel like we've known each other for years already too."

He looks at me and nods. He seems relieved that he's not the only one feeling this way.

"So, what happened with Reese?"

He sighs, turns back to face the lake. I'm not sure he's ready to talk about it, but I feel like he needs to. I wait.

"Well, it didn't go well."

"Yeah, I could kind of tell that."

More silence. Perhaps he needs a nudge.

"What you told him was beautiful. It was about the most heartfelt thing I can imagine. I would love to hear that from you."

He looks at me, raises an eyebrow.

"I mean, if I were Reese, I would love to hear that from you."

The grin plays at the edges of his mouth for the first time since the call.

"I was just kind of surprised to hear you say what you did. I wasn't expecting it."

"Neither was Reese, apparently. God, I feel like such a fucking idiot."

"So, what did he say?"

"Well, first he told me that he blocked my phone calls after leaving that note on my car. He said he decided he couldn't talk to me anymore. I told him I didn't blame him for that, because I was a jerk that night."

"Uh-huh," I intone, encouragingly.

"And then when I told him about the note, and about how you helped me to understand what it meant, he immediately started asking about you, like he thought we were, you know..."

"Lovers?" I suggest, knowing that the word would likely bring a flinch. I am not disappointed.

"Uh, yeah, I guess." It's Calvin's turn to blush. "He sounded so strange--I couldn't tell if he was angry or sad or what, but I knew right then what I needed to say to him. So I did."

"I was pretty stunned when all of that came flowing out. I had no idea you were going to tell him that."

"It surprised the hell out of me, too. But it all just fell into place once I started. Saying it out loud made me realize how I really feel about him."

He turns to face me, and he takes my hand in his. On cue, my heart begins to race.

"That's what I mean about how this day has changed me. You made me see that what Reese felt for me was real. And that what I feel for him is real too."

"How did I do that?" I'm confused by this whole thing, but as long as he's holding my hand I'll go with it.

"By making me see that two guys can be in love. Not the sick stuff that Mr. Peterson talked about, but real love. I had no idea. It never occurred to me that Reese could be gay, because gays were perverts. Reese isn't a pervert." He stops, takes a deep breath. "And neither am I."

Whoa. Dude.

"What are you saying, Calvin? Do you think you might be gay?"

He bites his lip, looks puzzled. And gorgeous, oh god he's gorgeous.

"I don't know. I don't know anything right now. I do know that I love Reese, and I have for a long time. I just didn't have a word for it, or a way to think about it, until today. You gave me that, Josh. You made me see myself in a whole new way. Thank you." He squeezes my hand. I'm going to die.

Stay focused, man.

"Okay, so, you told Reese that you love him. What happened then? It all seemed to go bad after that."

He looks down, at our hands clasped together.

"Yeah. He just went off. He said that he never said anything about being in love with me, and that he has a girlfriend, and that I was making the whole thing up. I thought he was just mad at me, and I tried to apologize and explain that I've changed, and then he started yelling that I was a faggot and that was going to tell everyone back home that I have a boyfriend and am a huge cocksucker."

"Oh, fuck, Calvin, I'm so sorry. Where did all of that come from?"

"I don't know. I don't know. Here I thought that we were finally going to be friends again, and then he does this."

"I'm not sure how to ask this, so I'll just go ahead. Do you really want to be friends with him again? Just friends?"

His hand squeezes mine harder now, and he's tearing up again. This is so hard for him.

"I don't know. I don't know what I want."

He stares out at the lake again, as if there's an answer out there somewhere.

"I think I want more than that," he whispers. "Does that make me a fag?"

He has the anguished look of someone who has just received a cancer diagnosis.

"Calvin, you are the same person right now that you were this morning, and the morning before that, and the year before that. Recognizing that you love Reese makes you a better person, because you're being honest with yourself. Forget about what society calls it. Just take it for what it is, and let it be."

"Josh," he turns back to face me. "How is it possible that you walked into my life right when I needed you? You're kind of a miracle."

"Um, about that. Let's discuss that later. Right now we need to figure out what to do about Reese."

"I don't know that there's anything I can do. Or that I want to do. He was really pissed--I've never heard him like that. He sounded like he wanted to hurt me, bad."

"Well, you had hurt him pretty bad. Maybe he just needed to score some points on you, and he'll calm down now that he's done that."

"Maybe."

"Do you want to try again? Call him, or text him, or something?"

"I don't know, Josh. What would I say?"

"Tell him the truth. Tell him you want to be close to him again. Tell him that you want to be more than friends."

"But what if I don't? I mean, I've never done anything with a dude. Never even thought about it. What if Reese and I are together and the whole thing grosses me out? What if it turns out I'm not really into ... it?"

"This is going to sound cheesy, but what does your heart tell you?"

He chuckles.

"My heart tells me that I miss the hell out of Reese and I want him back in my life. But what if my dick thinks otherwise? It's not really fair to Reese if I say that I'm into him and it turns out I'm not. And anyway, he has a girlfriend. Maybe he's right and I'm wrong about the whole thing."

"There's only one way to find out. You need to see him."

"Okay, that'll solve one problem. But what about the other one, about me? About whether I'm ... you know."

Now there's a question I can help with. But should I? Do I come clean about my crush? I try to weigh the pros and cons of full disclosure, but it's a foregone conclusion--it always is with him. Something about him just inspires honesty. I have to tell him.

"Calvin, you know how you were saying that it's kind of amazing that we met today?"

"Yeah. What about it?"

"Well, um, here's the thing. I've kind of been watching you since orientation."

He thinks about this for a minute.

"What do you mean, watching?"

"I mean, from the moment I saw you I thought you were the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen. I watched you the entire day as we went through orientation, and just about every day since. I know where your classes are, I've seen you at practice, and I was under the bleachers this morning because I've been under the bleachers every Friday morning so that I can see you do stairs."

He is silent, pondering this revelation.

"Why?" he asks, simply.

"Because I have this completely obsessive crush on you. Because I would watch you do anything, anywhere. I'm not like this; I've never done this before. But there is something about you that just makes me do it."

"Wow," he murmurs. "That's kind of strange."

"Yeah, I know. And now that I know you, I feel awful about it"

He's quiet as he looks at me sort of quizzically, like he's trying to figure out whether he's freaked out or flattered.

"So, I'm sorry for perving on you, I hope you don't mind too much."

"Josh, I think it's sweet. How could I be mad at you? You have helped me so much today."

Whew. But there's more.

"I just have a question for you. What did you think would happen? I mean, weren't you hoping that we'd meet at some point? Is there something about me that made you think I was gay?"

"No! No, I never for a minute thought you were gay. I just couldn't stop looking at you. And then the more I saw you, the more I saw what a great guy you are. How you always hold the door open for people, and how you hug people rather than shaking hands, and how you never even seemed aware of the fact that you look like a Greek god. I just liked watching you because you are a nice person. And a gorgeous one."

He's quiet for a moment, but his eyes don't leave mine. I continue.

"But now I see how amazing you are, how sensitive and genuine, and you are so much more than a beautiful body. You are a beautiful person, all the way through."

He blushes. I've not seen him do that, ever--and I've been watching. His eyes dart back and forth between mine, as if he's trying to see something inside me. I have no idea what he's looking for, but that he's looking is deeply thrilling. This is the best day ever.

Then I feel his hands leave mine. The moment is over, apparently. Except that it's not. His hands move up, up, and then I feel them on my jaw, on both sides. He's cradling my face in those strong hands of his. His thumb traces the hollow of my left cheek, brushing the stubble with a whisper-soft touch. Then I feel his weight shift on the bench, feel him leaning into me.

As many times as I've imagined this moment, it's never felt like this. I sense his heat first, the sun radiating from his skin. Then I feel his breath, soft on my face, sweet and warm. And then, with an aching slowness, his hands pull me closer, closer, until my lips touch his. He's tentative at first, and I revel in the simple contact between our mouths. Then all of a sudden, his grip tightens, his lips open, and he's on me, in me, all over me. I close my eyes and try to kiss him back, but all I can really do is hold on and try not to collapse under the force of him on my lips. It's like he's been holding back all his life and now he can't control it.

I reach up and wrap my hands around his neck, that strong tan neck I've yearned for so long to touch, with its close-cropped hair and smooth skin. And now I am touching it, I'm running my fingers over it, feeling the little hairs stand up.

Suddenly, he breaks the kiss.

"Stop that!"

My heart stops beating, as ordered. What the hell does this mean?

"I'm ticklish there!" he giggles, and I laugh too, as relief sweeps over me.

And then he leans in again. This time I feel his tongue as he thrusts it into my mouth. I lash back, which surprises him, I think. Then he pulls back a bit, his hands gripping my neck and mine on his, and looks at me, our noses touching.

"So that's what it's like," he notes, as if he's finally seen a movie people have been talking about and wasn't sure he'd like.

"It's almost never like that," I reply. "That was amazing."

"I just didn't know what to expect, you know, kissing a dude. It's different," he muses, "But nice."

"I've kissed a few 'dudes,' and that was way beyond nice." He blushes again. And then he kisses me again. And I see stars again.

"Thank you," he finally sighs.

"No, thank you," I reply. "This is what I've been dreaming of for three months."

"And this is what I didn't even know I wanted three hours ago." He's so fucking cute.

"What do we do now?" I ask. I have some ideas, but most of them are not appropriate for a bench out by the lake shore.

"Well, let's look at this situation objectively. You've been, as you say, 'perving' on me for months. I, on the other hand, need to find out if I can handle being with a guy. Do you think there's a way we could both get what we want?"

He accompanies this sledgehammer of a sentence with a triple threat: a raised eyebrow, devilishly twinkling eyes, and a smouldering smirk. I'm powerless.

"What are you suggesting?" I need to hear him say it.

"That we go back to my room, and see if we can't both get what we want."

"Calvin, I don't mean to be dense, but I want to be sure that we're talking about the same thing here."

"What I'm talking about is going back to my room and having you show me just what you had in mind all of those months that you spent watching me. And I'll show you what I think two guys might get up to if they 'forget about what society calls it and just let it be.'"

Holy fucking shit. You know how earlier I said that sometimes dreams come true? Turns out that was only the beginning. I try to keep my composure.

"You make a compelling argument. Shall we?"

We rise, and walk back to the trail, shoulders touching. I can barely breathe, and the path is spinning a little. I take deep breaths, and the world smells like soap, and love.

CHAPTER TEN

I float down the lakeside path, trembling inside at what we're doing. We don't talk at all as we walk, though we bump shoulders about every five steps--it's like Calvin doesn't want to be more than 2 inches from me. Which is more than fine with me. Every time someone jogs by we break into giggles, because we have a Secret. Yes, it's kind of eighth grade, but I've always thought that most of what we need to know about love we learn in eighth grade.

The trees are greener now, the breeze fresher. I can hear more sharply--there are ducks at the edge of the water nibbling in the mud. The world is beautiful, and he is beautiful. I could die right now and miss nothing that I need in life.

Instantly, there's a huge clap of thunder, as if the gods themselves are fixing to smite me for my self-satisfaction. The reason we have such a green and lush path to walk together is that it rains here, a lot. And it is starting to rain now, a lot.

Calvin looks at me, and tosses his head in the direction of the dorm. We take off at a run, the brisk raindrops spattering us as we dash. No doubt he could far outpace me, but he doesn't, staying right at my side instead. There's not a hint of impatience as he matches my pace perfectly, and we run in lockstep up to the door of his hall. Swipe, stairs, door, and we're in. Drip drip drip.

I start to shiver; it's a combination of being soaking wet on the outside and flushed with adrenaline on the inside. Suddenly I'm shaking all over, my hair flopping into my eyes.

He takes one look at my doused-rat look and starts to laugh. His laugh fills the room with a music that church bells aspire to.

"You're soaked," he manages to utter between fits of laughter.

"So are you. We're making puddles, and I'm f-f-freezing."

"Then we go warm up. Come on," he calls out as he grabs his shower kit, and two towels, and heads down the hall.