D/s vs. Romance in a MarriagebyS. Stevenson©
To me there is no conflict between Romance and D/s (Domination/submission) in a marriage or relationship. At least there shouldn't be any conflict. In the examples that I am going to give in this article I hope that you will see, and agree, that a D/s marriage is not much different than a Vanilla marriage. I was going to say that the only difference is that in a D/s marriage the roles of the partners are more defined, but that is not really true. In the vanilla marriage the roles become very defined as well.
The foundation of any good marriage is established in this much ignored verse of the bible, "Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God." Eph 5:21 (KJV) When I learned the meaning of this verse, and accepted it, my marriage became good, very fulfilling and satisfying. When I put the needs of my wife first in my life I became happy.
It matters little if this concept comes from the bible or not. The foundation is the same. In the ideal relationship each partner enters into that relationship with the feeling, and need, to meet the needs of the other. Should either partner enter into the relationship thinking that their individual needs are now going to be met, by the other, they are headed for trouble. Most will end up in divorce, and those that stick it out will either learn to accept the above concept or be very unhappy.
Why can I write on this subject? I was in a D/s marriage for 21 years. I married my best friend and we became "soul mates" over the years, until she was taken from me in an accident on July 4, 1995. One month after our youngest graduated from high school. I will also tell you, that our marriage did not start as happy as it was when she passed away. Yes we were best friends when we got married, but neither of us had learned the concept of dedicating our lives to meeting the needs of the other. That took us some time.
On February 2, 1974, my best friend became my wife. She had already been my submissive in the D/s part of our relationship for over a year. This day was special, and a picture of the two of us became my test gage as to the quality of the lover I was. The photographer was in the back of the church and snapped this shot as we walked back past all of our friends and family. Still being in the service, I walked head high, back erect in the fashion I thought was proper for a military man. She had eyes for no one but me. Oh, what eyes in that picture. There is no doubt that she was in love. There was no doubt that she was in love with me.
In time this look in her eyes went away. I thought of many excuses for this loss, like jobs, making a home, children, responsibilities, ....etc. What I found though is it was none of these. It was me. Our sexual play was still great. We progressed in our D/s relationship as well as I think we could have. After all there were no books, or Internet to go by back then, in time, even the sex started to lose its zest.
Slow, though I may be, I did learn. I found that sex/submission was her way of telling me that she loved me. What she looked for was a little different. She wanted my time. My protection for her and the kids. My interest in her day and how the children were growing up. When I learned all of this the solutions to our love, sex and marriage became easy to put into place. I just started to serve her needs. As I did I learned that I was happier. More fulfilled. In general, I felt better about myself and the job I was doing as a husband and father.
The most important thing that I did was to make a rule for myself, "I was to find a way each day to say, 'I love you." I opened an account with the local florist. This allowed me to call while out of town and she would receive flowers from me. There was seldom a reason for the flowers, except that I loved her. These flowers were often delivered to her in a public setting. The concept here is that I may be physically in Cleveland, but to her I was standing on the nearest roof top shouting to the world that I loved her. Then again her gift was often, was just a single rose.
I did other things like that. Some of them cost a little money and some cost nothing at all. I started running a bubble bath for her in the evening. Not every evening. Maybe, as much as 3 times a month. There were times that I would come home from work early and have dinner ready when she got home. I also, made a deal with a dear neighbor and friend that we would take each others children if we ever felt the need to spend a week-end alone with our lover.
I think the most expensive thing I ever did was to take her out for the evening after I had been gone for several weeks. She did not expect me home that week-end. So, it did catch her by surprise. One child was at camp and the other I farmed out to our neighbor for the night. Total cost? One phone call, on the expense account. Then on my drive home I planned it all out. My thoughts did make that 4 hour drive shorter. First, I stopped at a Fredrick's of Hollywood store and bought all new underwear for her. Then, I went across the mall and bought a new dress. Once home, I made my notes. The first was on the door as she came in the house. Telling her to remove all clothing and proceed to the bathroom. There she found another note, a lit candle and a hot bubble bath. After her bath she was to go into our room and wait for me to dress her. I let her have a few minutes to view all the new things laying on our bed. Then I entered with a glass of wine and a single red rose. After a lot of kissing, and some great petting, I started to dress her in her new corset, thigh high stockings and her new dress. I brushed out her hair and then chickened out and allowed her to apply her own make up. Then out to dinner.
The place was nice, but it was also kind of special. In that most of the booths were inside old car bodies. We ate inside a 1961 Mercury. She did have one complaint, though. She was sure that the fact she was without panties would leave a wet spot on the back of her dress. I just told her to lift the back of her skirt and sit with her bare bottom on the seat. She told me that command just made her wetter.
That was how our evening was set up. We did what I could afford to do at the time, but this would have the same effect on your lover if altered to your budget. We did this same setup many times. Each time was a little different, but still the same type of romantic scenario. The love making was always the grandest after we did something like this. My wife always threw herself into pleasing me, because she knew, and felt, she was loved.
As these romantic parts in our life started to become the norm that look returned to her eyes. Not just when she was looking at me, but all the time. Others would notice and comment on how she looked. It was this look that told me I had learned to be a success as her husband and her Master.
The paybacks were wonderful also. The more loved she felt, the more love she wanted to give. Learning to be romantic in our day to day lives was the very best investment that I ever made. A friend once put it this way, "D/s is the romantic side of BDSM." She is right. For in a true D/s relationship both partners are giving to the other.
No matter if your relationship is vanilla or D/s keep the romance in place. Give it a try.