Dancing Ch. 01

On the Saturday I just had dance practice, and since work was practically empty it was worth me taking my car. As a result I didn't see any of the newspapers on my way to the bus stop, and the first I knew of their contents was when I walked into the rehearsal studio. Matt was already there, sat on a seat at the side of the room, one of the sleazier tabloids spread out in his arms, and my ex staring out from the front cover under some stupid headline. I hoped, I prayed, there was no mention of me in there, and then he dashed my hopes.

"Seems you do kiss better than you dance."

Fuck. I grabbed the paper out of his hands, taking a deep breath and steeling myself. There were two pictures of me on the inner pages, alongside the continuation of his confession. The first was of the kiss, the second of me giving him the finger as I walked away. They'd even blurred it out, although it was obvious from my expression I was not happy. It was even subtitled with some stupid comment about a lovers tiff. I skimmed through the article, and it was all about how difficult this had been for him, and how long he had been hiding it all from the world, and how therapy had helped him deal with his problems instead of the heavy drinking he had done before. Plus, as an added bonus, how that drinking had driven me away. The bastards had even mentioned my new play. I smelt a rat, in the form of our agent. Must have loved the idea of getting us both free publicity out of this.

Matt stayed silent, as per usual, as I read through all the shit for a second time. Strange how he'd not fully explained how his drinking had affected our relationship, or how any of the sneaking about had hurt me. It was all about him, no different to how I remembered things. I was angry, but I couldn't see much point in doing anything about it. This could be where I sold my side of the story, but I had no intention of doing that. He might not respect my privacy, but I wasn't going to destroy it myself. I tried to calm myself, but ended up throwing the paper across the room, not getting any satisfaction from it, but at least getting the smug grin on his face out of my line of sight.

I closed my eyes took a few deep breaths to try and relax a little. It was done now and all over the papers, so there was nothing I could do. Hopefully my part in all this would blow over and I could stay off the radar like I wanted. When I opened my eyes again Matt was actually looking at me for once, and I could see the questions whirling round his mind. He knew nothing about me, but it seemed that now he wanted to. That was my first realisation of how this was going to affect me. Not only would strangers see that article but everyone who knew me, and I'd be kidding myself if I thought no-one was going to ask about it. Ben was a star, and lots of people fancied him. And unlike in the club dancing with Matt, this time I didn't want anyone to be jealous.

Anything he might have asked was interrupted by my phone ringing. I felt myself tense again, and I'm sure my face darkened before I answered it. I felt the need to give him an earful, and his pleasant tone when he spoke just increased my anger.

"So, have you seen the papers? I did it."

"I told you to keep me out of it you fuck. What part of that did you not understand? Then you force yourself on me and make sure there's a photographer there to capture the moment. You are sicker than I thought, despite all that therapy you reckon has turned you around."

He seemed surprised that I was upset. I wondered what planet he had been on when we had spoken that night, because I thought I had made myself quite clear.

"I'm sorry, I thought you'd be okay. And the photo, that was Tim's idea, he thought it would promote the pair of us. I didn't know the guy was there when we kissed."

"You attacked me, we did not kiss. There have to be two people involved for that, and you're lucky I didn't knee you in the balls for touching me. Do that again, or contact me in any way, and you will be hearing from my lawyer. Lose this number."

He started to say something else, but I hung up. I was shaking by now, feeling as though my life was falling apart around me. I believed what I told him last night, he really had ruined me. It had only been in the last few months that I started to feel anything real, and certainly when it came to men or relationships I wasn't convinced I was ready. I might dream of Matt but there was no way I was going there, although it was the first time in a long while I had even thought about someone real in that way. I ignored his presence for the moment, too wrapped up in what I was going to do.

One thing stood out above all others. I'd sorted out the one problem in my life, I hoped. The other was about to feel my wrath. I found the number in my phonebook and dialled Tim, the agent I shared with my ex. The idiot sounded pleased to hear from me.

"Aaron, I was wondering when you would call. We've got some fantastic coverage for you and your play today. I was thinking we could follow that up in the week. It's going pretty well for Ben so I thought you should capitalise on things."

I acted as though I might care. I wanted to know what he was thinking, not that I was going to go along with it.

"What do you have in mind?"

"Good, I knew you'd be interested. We can get a lot of money for your side of the story you know. He's only hinted at his drinking and it driving you away. I think you should tell them what really happened, then he can act all contrite and say how's he dealt with his anger through his therapy. It will end up looking good for both of you."

That made me lose it, and I was no longer able to stay calm. "You are some piece of shit. You want me to tell the world the worst thing that has ever happened to me and put a positive spin on it? You want me to help him look good after what he did? Fuck you. You're fired."

"But..."

"No. You're fired. This was about him, not me. You chose your client, I hope you're happy with what you've done."

Again I hung up, but now I was shaking so hard I couldn't stay standing. I half fell to the floor, barely even noticing that Matt had moved to catch me and stop me hitting my head. Everything span around me, and I thought for a moment I was going to throw up. I didn't shout, I didn't get angry, but suddenly I had no control and I could barely breathe. I curled into a ball and the shaking turned to crying as I let out all the tension in the only way my body knew how right then.

I felt strong arms wrap around me and I grabbed hold and clung to the body beside mine. I guess I knew it was Matt, but it could have been anyone right then, I just needed some human connection. It took a while before I could focus on anything, I'd just fallen apart and I had to pull myself back together. But once I had stopped sobbing I came back to reality fast. I was in Matt's arms and he was in mine. I let go and pulled away as if he was on fire. I didn't want the connection I felt to him, I needed to get free. I put my arms around my own knees and sat there, not wanting to look at him right now. He took the hint and let go of me too, but he stayed close and I could still feel the heat of him. I almost broke down again when I heard the soft tone of his voice.

"I'm going to take you back home now. You need some time to sort this out."

I managed to snuffle out a thank you. I didn't know what I needed, but right now hiding under my duvet and pretending none of this was happening seemed like the best option. I followed him, as I had done before, but this time he kept checking I was still with him. Even in his car, although he didn't speak to me, he kept glancing over. His sudden awareness of me was unnerving, but he was the only person there to show me any concern right now and I did need it. It was just surprising that the person helping me out was Matt, who usually seemed so apart from the world. Right now it felt like I was the one in another world and he was the only one keeping my link to reality.

Matt pulled up outside my flat, and I felt the need to go in there and hide, possibly for some time to come. At least there was no need to get out of there for the rest of the weekend. I didn't know if I wanted to be alone, get pissed, or run away further, and I desperately needed time to get my head straight. He just sat there though, waiting for me to move, and I realised I actually needed to get out of the car. I thanked him again, still wondering where all his kindness had come from.

"Are you going to be okay?"

"I guess so. Bad day."

"I got that. Listen, this is my number. If you need to talk, or if you want some company."

I managed to look at him in surprise. It was at the offer of him helping, but he obviously thought something else.

"I didn't mean that kind of company."

"No, I didn't think that, it's just... Never mind. Thanks again."

I didn't think I could explain that I was shocked at him being nice to me, it seemed wrong after he had made an effort and been there for me, even if he'd had no choice because he'd been the only one there when I had my meltdown. I already felt embarrassed about it, and at showing him my weakness, but I guessed if he had read the paper he would have some idea of what was going on. I wasn't going to let him know just how weak I was.

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