Dancing Ch. 02

I made it through the whole routine, again better than I had ever done it before. Or perhaps it was just that Matt was doing it worse than he ever had before. He even got confused about the next steps at one point and had to watch me for a second to remind himself. I saw this out of the corner of my eye, but didn't comment on it, just wondering why he was so distracted. It wasn't as though he hadn't watched me do this a million times by now.

As the routine drew to a close I had the sudden thought that we had to do the kiss. That meant I had to end up facing him, and somehow I altered my turn at the end to make sure that happened. He was facing me too, and there wasn't much distance between us, so it had worked perfectly. I reached out slowly, looking at his lips although I shouldn't have been because this was only going to be for show. It didn't matter though, because I never got to touch him let alone kiss him. He jumped away from me so fast I had to look up to see where he had gone.

The sight that greeted me nearly made my heart break. He was terrified. It was obvious from the fact his face was white, his body was shaking, and it showed in his eyes. I relaxed my stance, wanting to go hug him to me but thinking that might make matters worse, and took a step back as well to make sure it was clear I wasn't going to push him. But we couldn't do this on stage, we needed to make it work.

"Matt..." I started, not knowing what to say. I heard muttering, and barely heard any words until he repeated himself.

"Sorry. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. But we need to work this out. We don't have to rehearse it now, but we're going to have to do it next week, so if there's a problem we need to sort it," I said softly.

"There's not a problem. I just..."

"Matt, you leapt away from me before I even touched you, and you still look scared. I'm not going to hurt you, I promise."

"I know. I trust you."

I wanted to make a comment about how he obviously didn't else he wouldn't be standing on the other side of the room, but I didn't think that would help. I'd been looking forward to a chance to kiss him innocently, but he'd been worrying about it, and obviously hadn't resolved whatever it was. I'd like to think he was concerned about kissing me because it was something he wanted to do in reality. It just seemed that if that was the case he might be shaking but he wouldn't have jumped away. He had real issues with personal space, and I was beginning to wonder if his problems might stem from something a lot worse than a beating. And I hated the thought that I was bringing something like that back to him.

I backed right off and sat down on the sofa, beckoning him to come join me. He did, but he sat at pretty much the other end of the thing, as far away from me as possible. I'd deliberately gone for an end to give him that option, but it seemed to confirm what I had been thinking. I needed to handle this with care.

"After Ben beat me, I shut myself off for a long time. I still have a lot of trouble trusting people, and as for relationships, I doubted until recently I was ever going to think about that again. The last thing anyone should have to deal with is someone they should be able to love and trust taking that away from them. I don't make friends easily either, but it seems to me that we are starting to build a friendship and what you have done for me in the last few days means the world to me. I'm not going to ask about anything, and I totally understand if you don't want to tell me. Hell, I'd have been happy if no-one had ever known about what Ben did. But we do need to find a way that you can be comfortable enough with me to do this kiss. I'll do whatever I can to help."

I heard sniffing beside me, and glanced up to see that there were tears in Matt's eyes, even if he wasn't shedding them.

"I don't know what will help though. I'm glad you think we are friends and that means a lot to me too, but I guess you know that I really have a problem with trusting people and I keep myself apart from them as much as I can. I don't do physical contact, and this is a step too far right now. It isn't you."

"Perhaps we need to take a leaf from your methods and get drunk."

"Huh?" he said, surprised.

"I danced drunk, and you touched me. Maybe getting a couple of drinks in you and going dancing is the way to sort this out. Might not be the best one, but it did work before."

"It was the dancing, not the drinking. I love dancing and it's the only time I let my guard down."

"I saw. You were incredible dancing on your own. You seemed like a totally different person. It suits you, you know, smiling and talking to people. I can understand if it is hard for you, but you can't live your whole life shut off from the world."

"You sound like my therapist."

"I got the line off my therapist. Doesn't mean it's not the truth."

"It doesn't make it any easier though."

"I know. It takes time, but it can be done, and I will help if I can."

"You already are."

Shit, he looked so sweet and vulnerable right then I felt my heart swell with love for him. Just about the last thing he needs right now. Baby steps was the way to go, and he might never want me the way I wanted him. Still, I could content myself with helping him like I promised. The next thing he did, I really wasn't expecting. He started leaning towards me and I froze. It looked like he was going to kiss me, and I needed to remain passive and let him try if he'd ever get over this. It was the slightest of pecks on my lips, but I felt the warmth for a brief second, and had the realisation that I was falling for him.

I knew I swallowed hard, and I must have looked almost as nervous as he had earlier, but he seemed pleased and was giving me a shy smile. That was a major leap forward for him and I couldn't help returning the smile with one of my own, rather less shy and more overwhelmingly glad that he had willingly touched me. But it was all for the sake of the play, I reminded my twitching dick. I spoke without thinking, coming out with the corniest line ever.

"See, that didn't hurt."

"No, it didn't. I guess because I did it, not you. That sounds odd, doesn't it?"

"I get it. You were in control and I didn't move and try and make it any more than you were ready for."

"Can you hold still again?" he asked shyly.

Fuck. I nodded, but knew I was tensing. This was going to be hard, as was part of me if I didn't concentrate. I couldn't scare him. He moved closer to me on the sofa and I thought I could feel the heat from his body. The seat was shaking slightly, and it seemed to be because we were both trembling, for different reasons. The second kiss was better and worse than the first. This time his lips were on mine for longer, and they moved too. I stopped myself from letting out a moan somehow, and then his touch was gone again. I didn't manage to stop myself from licking my lips, and had to cover.

"If it helps any, I'm a bit nervous too. I don't like doing stage kisses, and this has got to be the weirdest place I've ever had to practice."

"Thanks for doing this. I know I have issues, but I am trying."

"I do understand. It's okay. We've got time to make this look good before Monday."

"Do you mind if we leave it for the moment? I've already pushed my boundaries a bit too much."

I think I breathed a sigh of relief, but thankfully he didn't notice as I shook my head to say I didn't mind. In fact it was far from not minding, I needed to get some control and work this whole thing through in my mind if I had any chance of not taking one of these kisses a lot further.

That night, after a lot more rehearsing, a couple more soft kisses, and an evening spent laughing with him, I lay in bed, hard as a rock again. We'd spent the day trying to bring his defences down, and I really needed to put mine up, because he was really getting to me. I'd fancied him the moment I saw him, but so did practically everyone. It was only his personality that put anyone off, and even that didn't stop him getting offers. Now I knew that was all a front, and had some idea of why it was there, and I almost ached to touch him. He was everything I could possibly want and I knew it was going to be difficult, if not impossible to get. I groaned my displeasure and stopped stroking myself.

I couldn't do this, it wasn't fair to Matt to have him be my fantasy during the nights and my friend during the days, and it was only going to drive me more crazy. It hurt to think it, but if I could never be with him, I was at least going to try and help him get back out into the world. Everyone needed to see how wonderful this man was, and I just hoped that one of these days he could be happy again. I wanted to be the one who made him that way, but he had to make the decision. On top of that, he thought he was helping me through a difficult time, and I felt like I was using him. Why was my life so screwed up? Ben had wrecked me, and the first time in years I had started to think of someone else, he was even more wrecked than I was.

Somehow, I really did hold it together for the rest of that week, and it was a serious test, because each day he became more comfortable around me. He was using me as some kind of practice dummy for his personal contact issues, because now he wasn't just kissing me for work, he was touching me regularly, pushing his issues with personal space so that he was close to me almost all the time, not even shy of asking me when he wanted to try another kiss. It seemed he felt so comfortable around me now he didn't even think of me as a sexual being, I was just some giant teddy bear or something like that.

As much as it drove me crazy, it also made me happy, because I got to see what he could be and I could almost pretend that we were a couple. To an impartial observer it would probably have looked that way. It was the best and closest relationship I had had for years, and even though it wasn't enough I clung to it.

There was no mention of me going home, and I was grateful for that. Leaving his house meant the real world, and I would be kidding myself if I didn't know that was scaring me. Here we were playing happy families and there was nothing else to worry about. And we had such a laugh, either while rehearsing or just watching tv, it helped me forget anything else. Well, anything but him.

There was one major thing on my mind, but I left it until the weekend before I mentioned it, knowing it would be difficult for both of us and not sure how to handle it. I waited until he kissed me, feeling the by now familiar surge of love and desire at his soft touches, before I broached it.

"I know this could be difficult, but you realise I'm going to have to be involved in this kiss? We can't go on stage on Monday and me stand there like a statue."

"Yes, I know. I just figured the more comfortable I got with the idea the less I would worry when we did the proper thing."

"Do you want to try?" I asked cautiously. My heart was thumping so much in my chest with a combination of nerves and anticipation I was sure he would be able to hear it. He nodded, giving me the green light. Keep control, I reminded myself.

He didn't flinch as I moved my face towards his, so major progress had been made. I wanted to touch him, to stroke his face with my hand as I touched our lips, but that was too intimate. I settled for just the lips, keeping them soft but my mouth firmly closed. Without thinking, I put my arms around him and brought him a little closer as I kept the kiss going, moving them slightly and feeling that he was doing the same. That gentle movement against me, and maybe the fact he didn't pull out of my arms, flipped some sort of switch in me and suddenly I couldn't stop.

I pressed my lips harder to his, opening them slightly to try and taste him. My hand went to the back of his head, holding him gently so he wouldn't move away. I took control this time and although I managed not to try pushing my tongue between his lips and making him open to me, I put everything else I could into it. It must have been a minute before any rational thought returned, and I drew back from him quickly, my heart pounding even faster and my dick hard as a rock. Thank god I hadn't pulled his body right up to mine, or he would have felt it.

I looked at him nervously, sure I had just pushed things too far. But he looked... happy? Not flustered like I was sure I did, or scared like I expected. He was calm, and I was the one who was terrified that I had just shown him what I really felt. I didn't know what to say and waited for him to break the silence.

"That will work," he said brightly, moving away and past me while I let out the breath I had been holding.

He was oblivious to what that kiss had done to me. I really was that giant teddy bear with no sex organs as far as he was concerned, and it hurt. Maybe it was just that he didn't fancy me, or perhaps he didn't think about anyone that way. Neither option was better as far as I was concerned, because it meant I had no chance of anything that I wanted. I tried to squash what I was feeling, because this wasn't about me, it was about him and what he needed. If all he ever needed me for was a friend, that was what I was going to be, because I couldn't see my life without him now. It would get easier, I knew that, and I could be happy with whatever he gave me. I wouldn't be lonely except in my bed at night, and I was used to that. Everything was going to be just fine.

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