tagHumor & SatireD&D Breakfast Club Ch. 02

D&D Breakfast Club Ch. 02

byGratefulFred©

(c) GratefulFred

The King begins to speak to our rag tag group of randomly picked adventurers.

"Dear brave noble warriors..." Suddenly the king stops speaking as an advisor whispers something in his ear.

The king lets out a weak cough and continues. "Dear randomly picked adventurers whom have the misfortune of being drafted to tackle the menace of the arch-lich Lord Vexna, while we wait the arrival of another band of 20th level adventurers to replace the last party of 20th level adventurers who apparently have been defeated. You are so charged with occupying the evil demigod's time, taking on whatever torturous fate awaits you, putting on as best a show as possible in the name of King Mortimous J Leonardous. It is our sincere hope that Vexna will waste a few 9th level spells on you and we may be able to attack him before he has a chance to reload with them. Before we send you out do you have any questions?"

"Since we are going on a suicide mission, do you think we could get a few magic items to help us?" Carney the dwarf asks.

"Silence you filthy dwarf dog. How dare you speak to the king in such a manner?" one of the guards says.

"Dearest omnipotent god of banging babes, who could slice open an enemy with a swing of his doubled bladed cock, since we are going on a suicide mission, do you think you could part with some low level magic items to help us on our quest?" Freddy the thief asks.

The King himself decides to answer himself "Excellently worded question. I can tell from your attire that you are a thief who no doubt has such a high dexterity that any armor would be a detriment to your dodging prowess. And with you is a stout dwarf whose night vision is a feat even a King like myself cannot replicate. And I see before a Cleric, a true healer, is in your ranks, whose tender hands can bandage an injured soldier like none other. And if I were to put together a party of four, would I not pick an Elfish wizard, who cannot only cast spells but also perhaps find that secret door, whereupon you may strike at Vexna when he least expects it? Lead these steadfast warriors to the dungeon now."

"Yes my lord", says one of the guards as the party of adventurers is given back their own weapons and armor (nothing magical) and lead off.

It's a one-day march as the party is placed to between guards on horseback to insure that no one makes a dash for it. The party gets to talking.

"Hey Carney, no offense but you like kind of weak for a dwarf" Ema infers.

"Well you know before they begin fighter school, they want to see how many pounds you can bench press over your head. They give you a score of between 3 and 18 sort of like rolling dice. I did manage to score a 6, which is sort of bellow par but when no one was looking I put a 1 in front of it. This got me placed in some dwarvan defender program and due to a mishap I had whereupon my hammer slipped out of my hands and broke my foot in the first hour of school I was placed in jewelry design school against my will. I would've been a kick ass defender though" Carney responds.

"That reminds me of a story" Freddy tells "I remember one day in thieves guides school when you have to run this obstacle course and avoid getting hit by these swords. Turns out the night before I was having some wild sex with a few sorority pickpockets and I was in no condition to even walk. I forged my name on one of the students' sheet and finished top of the class. The guild masters were so impressed with my score that they entered me into the dodge ball competition. I can collect on a few silver pieces if I can get out of here as I bet against myself."

Babygee comes along side Freddy. "Tell us about your wild sex night Freddy. I could use a good story as I just recently broke up with some Elf wizard teacher recently."

"So how long were you and your teacher together? Freddy asks.

"We were just fucking for like 30 years or so. I figured he wasn't going to break up with his wife and plus his wood was starting to grow soft. I only did him because I was into this teacher/student thing. Now I am totally over it. I want younger guys now" Babygee tells.

Ema jumps in "I agree 100% with you Babygee. All those old clerical nuns and priests kept casting "Kneel" command spells on us students all day long. After a while all that old cock and pussy gets to you. I say only young cocks and pussies for us gals.

Freddy looks puzzled as eyes look at him waiting for his story. "Uh...where was I? Oh yes...I was with a few GIRL pick pockets and when you got such a great dexterity like us thieves you can try all types of sexual positions. So here I was penetrating them both at the same time..."

"Wait a second Freddy...there's no way your cock can be in two girls at the same time." Ema responds.

"That's Bullshit" Babygee adds in, as everyone looks suspicious.

Ema jumps back in "And didn't you say you were tired the next day?"

Carney rushes to my defense. "Dude. Did their breasts feel like bags of broken up stone?"

To which everyone looks over at Carney. Fortunately for the guys in the party one of the guards pulls a sword out menacingly like and informs the party that they are making camp and don't try to escape.

That night after dinner the four adventurers are placed in a tent whereupon Freddy breaks out another joint.

"I hear this Vexna dude is like a 20th level Wizard/Cleric." Freddy says "How about we get Ema here to turn his undead ass or Carney to chop off his remaining arm with his dwarvan great axe..."

"Light axe" Carney interrupts.

Freddy continues. "Yeah dude. Or we can get sexy Babygee to bombard him with like a thousand magic missiles. Man I wish I had a video camera to video tape that machine gun action."

Ema notices Carney playing with his beard. She watches as his hands go lower from the corner of her eye. She closes her eyes and imagines having sex with the dwarf, bringing him home to meet her Elf mom and Human dad, seeing the hatred brewing in her mom's eyes, imagining the dwarf sleeping in the guest room, imagines herself sneaking to the guest room in the middle of the night and seeing the dwarf getting a blowjob under the covers, and as she pulls up the covers she's sees her mom! "Wo!"

"Hey Ema are you ok?" Carney says as he passes her the joint.

Ema takes the joint and gives Carney a piece of her mind "Thanks you cheater."

Freddy jumps in "Yeah dwarf dude take only your share. Pass the joint around. Hey I just got a thought. Since we are going for this real high level adventure what if we find some Wish ring. What would you wish for?"

Ema passing the joint says, "I would like to be like the most awesome like Cleric. I'd be able to like heal people with my toes."

"I still have regrets about not making it through defenders school. Once you graduate you get hired like right away and get dental insurance and a pension plan" Carney responds.

Freddy adds a bit. "I'd like to play some kick ass guitar like this Half-Orc guy "Slash". The dude rocks. Besides that I think I'd like to be ahead of some thieves guild, but instead of stealing stuff, we'd just have parties all night long."

Babygee feeling totally ripped tries not paying attention that her robe is open revealing her breasts. "I'd like to visit Key West and walk on Duval Street and get wild at Sloppy Joes."

Suddenly a long sword comes through the opening as a guard gives the party a mean look. "Will you guys shut the fuck up? We've already fought off an invading force of 50 goblins riding on their Worgs and about a dozen bugbears while you guys have been chatting away. The men in our party really would like to hang you now for ignoring our calls for assistance, but since you are taking on Vexna we decided to let you live for now. However, if you make one peep before dawn, we are going to hang you. Understand? Now, lights out."

That night Freddy and Babygee huddle up closely as does Carney and Ema. Every time they think about sex, they hear "Can we hang them. Come on Captain they are making noise."

Unfortunately the morning arrives and the party is fed rather quickly and brought to the entrance to "The Tomb of Vexna"

Before leaving Freddy asks, "Hey does anyone have a torch?"

One of the guards hands the thief a torch as he puts it. "To visually see the horror that awaits."

And with that the party heads into the dungeon.

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